Several things happened today that I fell I should share with the world. I'm not quite sure how this'll end up sounding, but my headache is killing me and I'm itching to get it out of my system.

First off, I forgot to wear the necklace. This necklace has great sentimental value to me; it was hand picked out of many different selections, perfumed and wrapped, and was first put on me by my first boyfriend. I refused to take it off even when I had to take a bath or go swimming. After two years since he gave it to me, I've worn away the silver coating on the inside of the wire string, having rubbed off the rust every week or so. Lately I haven't been wearing it during showers and swims and what not. After stepping out of the shower, I completely neglected it and went about beautifying myself for the masses at school (which didn't turn out too well since I couldn't completely wash out the orange hair color I used the previous day) and forgot to wrap the steel and wire around my neck, snapping the little clasp in the back. Halfway through the day, I noticed that I felt the absence of a familiar weight, and was shocked to feel that I forgot it at home. At first, I panicked. I didn't want to betray the memory of my first boyfriend, and here I broke the promise to always wear it. But then, I realized that the necklace had no significance anymore. As long as I kept that precious summer's memory in my mind, it would be okay. Of course, I'll keep the necklace for, like what Chris has discovered, memories fade. That's why people take pictures and keep memorabilia. So, in the near future, I'll go shop for a new one.

Second, on this note of revelations, I had a pecular dream. It wasn't that reoccuring dream I've been speaking of, but instead it was almost the opposite. I'm standing infront of a great glass pane of a stage mirror. No other cosmetics lay out on the counter except for thousands of lipsticks, half opened and brittle, and a compact of white facial powder. Those large bulbs lining the top of the dresser lit my face in this pale, almost mustard yellow glow. It made my reflection more defined, leaving the background completely black. Standing a few feet away, peering into the same mirror was him, my friend. He wore a red tootoo that flayed out straight at his waist, and a blue sweater two sizes too big for him. We talked, standing in this awkward position. He took the compact and began powdering his face while I stared straight at my reflection; our conversation continued. I ask him what I should do (about what I don't remember) and he tells me to me more true to myself, all the while picking out the only stick of crimson lipstick not yet dried out. He moves the cosmetic slowly across his lower lip, then presses his lips together hard. The color spreads to the rest of his top lip. Now, he looked like one of those beautiful chinese dolls. He kisses the mirror infront of him, leaving an imprint on the glass. I told him that that wouldn't last. He replied "Not if no one comes and wipes it off." Then, the stage lights turn on, and he walks to exit stage right. I watch him go, beautiful and ridiculous in his outfit. Then, when I turn to my reflection again, the kiss is gone from his side, and is on my cheek.

The dream itself is highly unusual, confusing, and almost scary at times. But I think I'm suppose to find it's meaning. Otherwise, why would I have remembered it so clearly? I consulted my many dream dictionaries, but none had an entree in cosmetics, costumes, and such. I want to find the meaning of this dream, and it's making me very uneasy.

Lastly, I'm utterly jealous. Kevin, I've learned, is my friend's current crush. I have him for two of my classes, and I wonder what he sees in him. Sure, he's cute, witty, and a sweety... well, I can't really say anything bad about the boy, but his friendlyness and sincerity somehow doesn't make him seem like boyfriend material. I have yet to hear him be intuitive and "deep" in his thoughts and expressions. Maybe he only shows that side to people he really trusts, maybe not. Regardless, I'm jealous that he likes him and not me. It's the bane of a teenager in a semi-love triangle.

... Why am I so dependent on others? Not in the sense of friendship or family or whatnot... but why do I feel like I must have a boyfriend in order to be happy. I'm guessing that I'm just searching for someone who I can be completely honest with, but I don't know. I can find satisfaction without a significant other, right? After all, how have priests, nuns, and monks survived like that for so long (minus the altar-boy factor, that is).

I need to lose weight but I lack the conviction. I want to be thin instantly and have all the glam and glory of being the beautiful martyr in a gay highschool romance. And I've done it, fallen into the same trap my sister is in and one which I swore I will never be lured by. No one wants to hear the growing up story of a gay, over-weight kid, huh? Even just the mention of a fat person sends chills down the spines of the "normal" crowd. Even those who fancy themselves as above the status quo when it comes to modern thinking search for beautiful partners to match theirs. Use leftovers have to scavage the wasteland left by those people in hopes of finding one glimmer, one hope of something called "physical beauty". Perhaps it's this mindset which I've discovered in my searchings for sensuality that has led me down this path. My quest has led me to meet people beautiful and lean, and surrounding myself with these "adoni" has warped my concept of what I want to find in someone I want to be with. Indeed, a family that eggs you on about how much fat there is in food when all you're trying to do is forget your troubles... the stress is mounting and soon the straw will be layed which will break my back. One day I shall be contented again, but many rough roads I'll have to travel before that can happen.

In art we're painting busts and plaster casts. I plan to sit by the one of Michelangelo's David. Till next time.