5.24.2001
 
Always the one to ponder about life, eh?

Yes, I believe I've found a reason for living. I want to experience, to create, to connect. It's perhaps a bit early to speculate about my "childhood" ideals since I still cling to so many of them. Sure, I gave up the notion of the black and white world of heroes and mad scientist villians way back when. Those have now been replaced with thoughts of bohemia, love, sophistication, and elegance. Since I abandoned my older beliefs on life (specifically the strict dogma of my native catholic church), I have been striving for elegance. Sure, it started as just an excuse to dismiss my slightly feminine attitudes towards existance (and we all know why), but gradually I began looking outside the suburbs I spent the majority of my life in and I saw that the world was ugly. Ever since then I've searched for something more upper-crust.

But now that I look at it, that's rather self-decieving. Now it seems that I want to escape into a make believe world of finesse whenever I can't face the harsh realities of life. At the risk of sounding too high and mighty, I believe that humans differentiate themselves from other animals in our pursuit of things besides physical and genetic survival. It's enough in our instincts that we pursue self preservation, but if we can ignore or, more over, conquer our instincts like so many of our other inborn behaviors, we can become more... Actually, now I'm lost in my thoughts. Can't quite specify what I want to say... But this whole question was asked time and time again in the Japanimation series of Shoujo Kakumei Utena, where the whole series takes place not in a physical world but within the minds of the students set to the backdrop of an academy. Confused yes?

.. I guess I should just say why I want to go on living. I want to experience everything in life; the pains, the heartbreaks, the epiphanies, the first loves, the wonder, awe, and majesty that's woven through the linked atoms around us. Most of all I want to understand why and how music is such a potent agent in our psyche.

I want to create. To leave something in this world before I become worm-fodder. If I can't find the beauty I seek, I will create it. Mold it from the very scraps of reality if I have to, or conjure it out of the recesses of my mind. And it scares me how capable I am at doing this sometimes.

I want to love. Another childish ideal, a love that transcends every barrier, obstacle, and reality; the love formed from hollywood sets and sound stages. True, it's most likely that I won't be one of the very few who do find someone so compatable. I doubt I'll ever find someone again at that. But that doesn't mean I'll try.

I want to connect. I want to communicate with people, to help break down the barriers of our minds so we can fully understand eachother. A world of pure sympathy... I can't even imagine how warm that would be. So I start the process one person at a time.

... Damn, I write too much.

. . . . . posted:||12:52 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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