Been doing some more thinking today. Outside, in the shade of the 80% finished patio roof, I was working on carving my wooden sculpture. My screw-driver-posing-as-a-chisel slowly chipped away at the weathered board of wood I was working on. And as I hammered away, I thought back to the book I'm reading.

First, I noticed that the book's only 158 pages and I've been reading it for about three weeks... it seems that my pace has slowed a bit. But I quickly got off that thought.

Second one that came to mind was the spiritual questioning of the main character Sinclair. Currently, he's been talking to his friend whose an organ-playing theologian at the nearby chapel. After a rather unusual first introduction when he found Sinclair sitting on the steps of the chapel listening to him play, they set out for a drink where Sinclair mentions the god Abraxas. Their friendship consists of the theologian being a sort of mentor and teacher to Sinclair; opening his student's mind to himself through using the god Abraxas who is both heaven and hell, angel and devil, light and darkness, etc y etc. He tells Sinclair that he must listen to his dreams and follow them; make them the mysteries and rituals of his own personal religion. Even killing a person is justified if it is in your own mind, even though most of the time it's part of that person that disgusts you (because it is a part of you) which you want to kill.

Later, Sinclair befriends another man seeking the truth of higher beings. At first, he accuses Sinclair of being "just another pig like the rest of them!" but later he's taken in by the air of difference around the man. At this point, Sinclair decides to help the man a little bit, but states that you can't be taught the truth; one must turn inward to find their own personal truth.

This whole section got me thinking (sorry for being redundant). I guess I've replaced a god in my life with aestheticism and art. Thinking about it now, belief in a god is mainly about becoming as pure as that god and in understanding it right? Well, that's what I seek to do with art. I want to become art incarnate, to live a life less ordinary and far more freaky/creative/original/non-hollywood.

As for the subject of an actual god... I believe in two separate explanations. First, god is just an image, a standard which we made to set an example and to make us feel less lonely... some people even use god to create a fanatical militia. Personal explanation: god is a focal point where the will of the world is sent to. I do believe that people have more potential than just tone physical body can manifest... then again, I don't believe that everyone has a purpose since there's too effing many of us now. Anyways, when people pray/chant/wish/whatever for the generally same things, that's when miracles happen. When enough people want something to happen, it does because everyone's influence is centered on one purpose. (watch Lain or Evangelion if you want a clearer idea of what I'm trying to explain)... this reminds me of the RichieRich movie where the washing-machine-looking wishmachine used leftover wish power to make a wish come true... but in a more mature and less selfish sense.

... Then I realized that I wasn't paying attention, and I had split my 5 ft carving with my chisel. Dammit! I spent a lot of time on that thing!.. at least my "box" now looks better with the wire mesh on it. Didn't make much sense, right?