Leave it to Lizzy to slap some sense into me (even though her intentions were probably far from it).

Art was an interesting haze thanks to all the strong fumes in the room. I spent my time bouncing from station to station working with instant-rust ("lovely beyond belief"), decals, reposee, and the use of acetone to transfer images to paper and to remove the last of my nailpolish.

I still have four or more stations to visit before I can stop: plaster casting, plaster molding, resin casting, working with I-Movie.

Plaster casting promises to be interesting. Today, before we had our conversation, Lizzy's face was being covered in plaster-strips. Funny since she got called up to the office while she was more or less immobilized and blind. I'm thinking of casting something remotely interesting besides the baby doll heads and my hands; perhaps some sort of animal figurine? Ha, then I'll have to search for one. Definetly gonna try to cast one of the roses from the backyard garden in resin.

But, now to the meat of the day. Justin was passing around the GSA sign-up sheet to those who think there should be a GSA club at school. Afterall, it's amazing the level of tolerance for about 10 years without that vehicle of change.

Eventually the sheet is passed to Lizzy and I. She signs with three different pens since there were a lot of dry ones in her general vicinity. I forget to mention that I had a perfectly good one in my pocket, which I used to sign. I look at the list generated so-far, and sure enough I see Danny's name on there. My finger points to the spot where he signed his name rather clumsily and tell Liz about my feelings towards him. At about that point she scoffs a bit and tells me that she knew of at least 10 other guys who found him attractive.

Also, while working on my decal I was talking with Justin and N about which was worse: falling for someone who doesn't know you exist, or someone who has never thought of you in that sense. Justin kept talking about how his motto "all the cute ones are straight" to "all the cute ones are straight or gay and taken", and I mentioned something to the extent of "it's even harder if you know they'll never think of you that way."

Earlier that day, I was speaking with Lauren about her whisperings getting to me last night thus accounting for my sleepless unrest. We get to the subject of the whole Danny thing becoming into another Eric thing, which at that point she draws to my attention the stupidity in my method of adoration. At that point I said something towards "But with this one, it's not lust." She shoots that one down with a laugh and a "yeah right". I felt like beating myself up at that point. That wasn't what I wanted to say. My feelings of companionship and friendship are separate from those which I associate with love. Give I was in love only once... still. I know better than trying to find the great Ganymede in a dear friend of mine because, yes, I'm growing increasingly desperate. It's been almost two or three years since Topher, and I'm forgetting/ longing for the feelings and actions involved in "boyfriend-ing".

So, I have two sets of ideals now: one for the perfect man, and one for the most favorable match. In my fantasizing, I often fuse my Adonis with the face of a close friend; strange to say that I have a hard time imagining myself with any famous celebrity. As for a favorable match... I have yet to find one. I think Lauren's trying to steer me in the right direction... but my self esteem is lowering and confidence is next to nothing. Especially after I ran into the curb while trying to make a turn while driving the van.

Normally, most people would attempt to forget all their troubles and live life. I must admit I enjoy the self-sado/masochistic feel of harboring and magnifying emotions. When it comes to love and infatuation I often over do it and do so to losing control. But it's that moment of darkest hour which sparks the light of creativity. And when that zenith of euphoria and counterpoint of depression has been tasted, I can come back to those times and draw from them.

Still, I'm in one of those descending periods so all my work suffers.

During the ride home, what Liz said to me finally hit home. Sure, I can tell myself over and over not to obsess over Danny yet secretly I enjoy the self-lashing... but I'm not the only one to pine over what I can't have. So, it's stupid to fill my heart with empty dreams. Otherwise I'll just be another member in that particular boy's fanclub. Take a number, sit down in the hall, and wait to be called to recieve a glance from your object of interest.

So, this is the final time I shall write about boyfriend angst concerning Danny. And if I do go back on that promise, I'll just slash my arm a little bit for every time.

But it'll take some time to get back to thinking of him in a pure platonic sense. To be perfectly honest, I'd still do anything for him and go anywhere just to be in his presence for a bit.

Too often now people intimidate me. I just don't let it show.