Anyone care to notice that things go so fucking wrong around Thanksgiving time?

Losing inspiration/motivation/confidence again in my own artwork (big surprise there). Half of my friends are having a really shitty time (which gets me depressed) while the other half have so much good stuff going for them (which gets me depressed because I envy their luck).

Today started bad enough. First off, Japanese class. Always the boring experience, coupled with my being oh so sleepy, and getting chosen to play "Helga, the Dutch Maid" for the little exercise we did. Blech. Caught myself sneaking glances at Will today... and that's not good.

In photo, I've gotten most of my prints done (just need two more + spotting) but I got a bit pissy because there were scratches on my negatives. I left one of my photos with a page from my little book of poems lying around, so Natalie and friends started reading it. Ironic that the subject of that entry (Matt) was lying next to it on a different picture. Also, printing those pictures of Matt didn't exactly help an awful lot... God, I'm such a perfectionist.

Afterwards, Algebra 2. Just more boring notes and going over homework. Claire and I made suggestive hand motions (her with her corn on a cob, me with the leg of my desk) back at eachother when we got extremely bored.

During lunch DJ was back. For the most part of lunch we hung around eachother, talking and joking. He kept on teasing me and it wasn't fun at all... to the tune of Ms. Aguilera's "I Turn to You" no less ("for a Chuck, to-o s*ck, and to f*ck" "gawd! shut up already!"). Then he started telling me of his plans to go back to his regular highschool because choir isn't fun. In a way, it's a good thing if he did, but I'd still rather not have that happen. I guess he just doesn't want to deal with some people from the school.

Second half of Algebra. More mundane-ness. Zack said hi in a really friendly tone and that helped to raise my spirits a bit.

In Art we had presentations of people's pieces... the thing is, we're suppose to critique each presentation and decide whether that person's piece should enter the gallery show. I felt really bad about being honestly brutal to the people who really didn't have a lot to offer.

. . .

I guess the only reason that taking driving lessons again (besides the obvious inconveniences of having them during the weekend) sickens me is that my dad doesn't think that I can drive. Hell, I can drive! Better than he can at that! But no... I have to suffer quietly since I still have some filial piety within me. I'm just not given enough chances to prove myself.

. . .

In other news, I feel extreme sympathy for Jacob. In a fit of emotion, he came out to his mother last sunday who, after being told explicitly not to, shared this information with his father. So now his fundamental Lutheran parents are having him take a physical to correct the hormonal imbalances which are causing his attraction to men... ::extremely tight hug:: Wish I could be there more for you besides just being a voice over the telephone.

. . .

I'm lonely. Normally I'd be talking to Matt at about this time of the day (or later at night) but he's out on his cruise stuck with his family. And I doubt his cell phone will work that far away from the U.S.

Not to mention that I'm completely sick with envy because he's working out a lot which'll add more to his already delectable figure. Whereas here I am, stuck in my old shell. To be honest, I think one of the reasons that he doesn't want to be my boyfriend (or atleast hasn't explicitly said it) is because I'm not a perfect Adonis.

So I'm risking anorexia/bulemia, exhaustion from exercise, starvation, and general superficiality to give myself a better chance.

... or I could try my old tactic with Eric, since I know for a fact that Matt can appreciate poetry. But I don't want to risk it...

Which is why Jacob's becoming more of my confidant because he's pining for two of his friends as I do with Matt. So he can sympathize with the longing and the small moments that we steal for ourselves.

I remember when Matt and I told eachother everything... but lately our phone conversations basically consist of him playing FFTactics and me guiding him along while attempting to make conversation. When I manage to call him while he's not doing anything, I try to talk more as well but he's often tired. And when I push for information about his latest crush (and his two stalkers) he gives the vaguest answer.

. . .

Ugh. Forgive me.

I think I've just turned into a stereotypical Emo boy.

Which is funny because I can like Emo and Heavy Metal/ Speed Metal (Megadeth!) at the same time...

But I digress...

(on a side note: sympathy goes out to all those I know who needs it. it's not pity because I'm not saying it in a condescending manner.)