It seems that, given a moment's rest, I get screwed. Case in point: recent dieting triumphs and troubles. Ever since grandma pulled her crying bit about no one appreciating her (and an extra emphasis on her cooking as well) I've been forced by some sort of genetic obligation to completely consume whatever she cooks. Regardless of the obvious rancor. So, needless to say that I've been literally maintaining my 210 at the moment. I haven't been exercising as much as I did due to the sprained ankle during winter break (which has yet to fully heal) and the cluttered state of the garage. For almost an entire month there was no room to stretch out the equipment if I could even get to it in the first place. Just when I'm seriously losing the conviction I used to have, my friends start commenting on how much weight I lost (as in the "oh, I noticed before but I'm saying it right now" type). Not only that, some are even following my lead with a diet regime that's even more rigorous than mine.

In everything I do, the moment I lose conviction everyone surpasses me. In the end, no matter what I do I'm always left behind. In all things, art seems to be my only constant strongpoint while other areas like math and literature come in short bursts. I just wish that my critical eye could not be turned onto myself, that I could go through life without knowing all the flaws I have like others out there. Given, they're probably putting up a front as well, but still... I hate it.

Feeling completely inadequate at the moment. I'm impatient for results.

So I've resorted to drastic and albeit unhealthy means to cope.

Doesn't help that today I couldn't speak as well as I wished I could/ normally could yet I attempted conversation anyways.

Someone give me something to distract myself with? I cannot afford to think too much. Especially at this time.

And why the fuck is my grandma oblivious to all the hints I've dropped asking her to stop harassing me about fitness? She thinks that constant imposition of a thought or opinion upon a person will change their views... when really the exact opposite occurs. It's even been proven in several psychiatric studies that denying a child of something will make them yearn for it with more fevor.

I would sleep at the moment just to get away from my family. But I know that harboring these emotions will not do. Mere conversation, analytical reasoning through writing, and general ranting will not help my mood. I want to tell this to someone who hasn't heard all of it before. "A friend is someone who asks how your day was and waits for an answer." Sis' heard all this and now views it as a natural occurance. Mom would be sympathetic to an extent, but the fact that she's biased against her mother in law doesn't help my conscience. Dad would just think that I'm illogically placing blame upon my grandmother again and proceed to get pissed. Everyone who has read this blog for a while will jot it down as another occurance of misplaced and hyperbole anger. Even Matt I believe has grown accustom to these outbursts and takes them with a grain of salt.

I wish the computer had a headphone jack so I could blast the music and drown out the family without elliciting quams about the volume of "that noise." Fuck you all.

Yes, that was an exagerration.

... if you say anything, fuck you too. I'm pissed.