So, let's trace the path to my current (and extreme) mood.

First, got stood up. Nothing really too much to be pissy 'bout, but I drew that picture with all the blood in it. Definite sign.

Later, church. Lee shows his frustration with my inconstant singing quality through his facial expressions. And I know that each dagger stare he threw was at me. During mass I tried singing but was too flustered to let myself go. Halfway through I started belting notes again, but apparently they still weren't loud enough to be heard.

You want loud? ::screams::

On the drive to 5-n-Diner, dad throws a comment to his two children's braking abilities. Naturally I'm ticked that he would generalize since he knows that I can break better than sis. He retorts with a comment on my inability to brake, bringing up the time I tried a right-hand turn at 45mph. Then he makes a point to say all the steps to a "proper" turn when he turns into the parking lot despite the fact that I practically yelled that I knew how to do it properly. Whose fault is it that I haven't had ample time to practice/prove myself again?

Just now people've been trying to "help" me with my situation with Zack. For fuck's sake people, I'M SHY!

Sure, I'd like a boyfriend at the moment. However, it's been so long that I've forgotten how to do everything.

And far-away crushes are easier to handle because I wouldn't know what to do if I ever landed any of them.

See Matt? This is why you go after people you can never have.

I like my safe distance from people.

Fuck, I like distance period.

Heh, look at me. Growing more hypocritical every moment. Full of bullshit that I'm exploding out the sides.

Where's that hopeless romantic who would welcome affection with open arms? Who would experience and feel love? Where's that need to make a deeper connection?

This is just like yesterday. Every word I speak seems to piss off some people. FUCK.

I can't say what I mean, nor do I truly know what I mean in the first place.

And then there's that large lie looming above my head like some incessant and dooming pendulum. I can almost taste the rust on it's jagged scythe.

.... fuck....

...

help?