Just when you think life's slowing down, the merry-go-round picks up speed and turns into something resembling the "Inverter" ride over at Circus Circus. In other words, the moment I start to figure things out, my mind short circuits and I lose all footing.

The worst part is that I haven't been able to do what I usually do and synthesize all this chaos into something worthwhile. Like my whole half-year stint as a poet, or my ongoing attempt at becoming a serious artist. I am in search of a muse... not necessarily someone that I'm interested in pursuing, but someone that can spark my need to express.

No, I won't label it "teen angst." I know I have problems, specifically those of trust. (although my suspicions are more or less confirmed whenever I witness the commenting system that OpenDiary operates on; half of my friends all have one, mainly the theatre majors) So I don't speak up when something upsets me. I just get quiet or laugh louder.

But I'll say this much, I'm afraid that I've separated myself from Matt so much so that I can't even tell him about whatever is troubling me. The last phone conversation we've had... which was about a month or two ago... still consisted of these steps: I hint at something which has upsetted me in an attempt to be subtle, he blatanly asks me about it, I shut up or start mumbling my answer, he urges me on, I try to explain but am affronted by further mumbling, he drops the subject eventually. So nothing is ever really said. And it's almost been a month since we've had any correspondence at all.

Score:33

At least the numbers are going down... that still makes me feel like utter shit though.

To avoid being overly melodramatic, I'm keeping this small. Yesterday I figured that I should just down poison and kill myself faster than I'm able with what I do now. Today, while the rest of the family went shoping at Michaels, I took out the household firearm and contemplated the trigger sound against my temple. Funny enough, I contemplate suicide because I'm curious... don't worry, the chances of anything coming to fruitition are very slim indeed.