It always seems that whenever I try to dress up for an occasion, the said event always ends up being some sort of disappointment.

I decided to go "Brit Posh-Punk" as sis called it. On went the white shirt I got from her, a black tie, black pants with black socks and shoes, black nailpolish, that bracelet that looks like my necklace, and eyeliner. I wanted Egyptian-esque outlining but sis said that it looked horrible on my small asian eyes. Poo.

The whole entire night started off pretty well. Sis and I were the last ones to arrive so when we got there Matt, Karen, Sarah, Christy, Jaron, and Nicole were already waiting out in front of the Cheesecake Factory. Don't really want to go too much into detail about the actual dinner itself (unless you want to read a lengthy report) so I'll just say that we harassed another waiter (who, at 20-something, had a kid to take care of), made Jaron do the whole Stuart thing, had Matt open the presents... and, ironically enough, he wasn't getting much attention during the dinner. I tried constantly to initiate a conversation, but sis or Christy would always draw my attention away. Likewise, Sarah and Jaron occasionally kept the birthday boy occupied.

After dinner a stop over at Virgin Megastore to peruse the books, music, and dvds.

The night turned sour when Sarah wanted everyone to head over to FAO Schwartz so we could frolick all three stories of toyland fun. Karen and Matt, off of a whim, decided to dodge the group for a bit so that she could buy something to cover herself up at Emporio Armani (she had accidently sat on some of sis' powder-cake after it fell onto the floor). I was the first in the group to realize that the two were gone, so I opted to go look for them.

Well... let's just say that mistakes and misunderstandings were made. By almost everyone.

But, in retrospect, I made the biggest mistake of all: I didn't simmer down and forgive Karen and Matt for worrying me so. Instead I let the irritation and frustration I had trying to find them fester into something ugly that, ultimately, put a damper on the entire night.

I want to apologize profusely for that. I was such an unforgiving ass.

And, in the grand tradition of past transgressions, I put the brunt of the blame on Matt. Even though Karen confessed that she was more at fault, I still let my claws go wild on the poor boy. It was his birthday outing as well.

Just one of my defense mechanisms. I keep on forgetting almost all the reasons for avoiding social interaction with the boy until I'm actually physically there with him.

Yes, I could say that the insane and often immature decisions he makes irritates me, but I make too much of a big deal about it.

Yes, I could say that his ego (bordering on megalomaniac) and stubborness make him difficult to deal with, but I'm able to handle those traits in others.

Yes, I could say that he's the center of much of my life's current drama, but any person can fill that role.

The truth is, I don't want to risk another relapse. There, I finally said it.

There's a reason for my recent disillusionment with concepts of romantic and adult love as well as my lack of serious attraction to other people. I've been trying to desensitize and numb the damned organ beating in my chest.

Because, like many who meet Matt, if I'm not careful I could fall for him again. But that just goes to show that I never got over him completely.

Which is really quite strange; it's a sense of attraction more or less founded on adoration and an instinct to level out the choices and pick the most sensible one... yet I know so many of his faults that I find unforgivable or at least so redundant that they become annoying to ever let myself...

Damned language. It's nothing more than a barrier between minds which we shape and mold to show others what we mean. And right now it's prohibiting me from describing my thoughts.

But yes, everyone. I am steeped in deepest regret.

... This is why I shy away from human interaction. There really is only one person who can adapt to my mood swings effectively and that's sis... but only because she's had 16 years to get used to them. Everyone else... they're not so flexible of my actions.

But speaking to others is only asking for drama. I've had enough drama brewing in my head from the past six months that I want nothing more of this aspect of living. I want calm waters to relax in, friends I can confide in utterly without worrying about their opinions, and anything else to escape the tossing and churning that goes on in my head.

People + Interaction = Drama

I can't have that. I can't...

.... shit...