You said that you were concerned for me because I'm one of the select few people you actual give a damn about. I say you're a fool.

If you could see things from my side, you would see where this friendship is going, how I've travelled that path before, and how I don't have the strength to resist my nature so the best way to keep me sane is to cut things off right now.

I am a deceptively dependent person. With most people, I am generally apathetic and care less whether I have their approval or not. With people I care about, I become one clingy motherfucker.

You don't understand how dangerous it is when I cling to people. Especially people who I think I still have some sort of chance with.

Another reason for all of this: I honestly think that, given persistance, time, and enough experience at being friends platonically, I could win over your affections. And yet, I know full well that constant support is only a garnish to any sort of relationship, and I don't have the right features to match you well. I understand that, but yet the feeling remains.

I won't say love, because that emotion is so rare that I doubt I will ever encounter it.

I'm sorry. My pragmatic nature is what's drawing me to you in that way. I think "oh, he's bi, I'm one half of his preference, PLUS I'm asian so it should work out right? besides, you need someone to be with because that's what society calls for, and no one can live well and alone." The other side of me that wants to keep things platonic, more often than not, takes the backburner to this trouble maker.

Yet, I do want us to stay friends. After spending 15 years without a real, true friend I'm still figuring out how to make friends without crushing at the same time. That's because, ever since I was a kid, I believed that the only person I could have a deep connection with is the other cosmic lover destined to be mine... and even now, when I don't believe that there's only one person out there that's right for me, I...

My dream is to become an autonymous couple that really needs no other friends besides eachother. It's impossible, I know. There is no such thing, and the couples that begin that way quickly change or fall apart.

And now I've lost focus on what I was going to say.

All I can do is apologize for my passive-aggressive behavior and warn you about how I truly am.

. . . . .

To those who used to read this page, this is a warning that this blog is going to turn extremely private (translation: angst-filled), so don't mind the blurring and burning emotions I'll be tossing around.

But, I hate that the impetus to revive this page came from boy issues.

Why is it so hard to find a self-confident human these days?