Maybe it's a reaction to the slight emotional breakdown I had a few nights ago, but tonight I've been searching Google for:

• "I don't want to be an architect."
• "Asians who don't want to be doctors."
• "Asians who don't want to go to med school."

I think I'm searching for someone or something to connect to. I think that and my recent lack of purpose or drive have caused me to...

That's a load of bull. My emotional breakdown came about from obsessing over my self image. The incompetence and loneliness were just fuel for the pyre.

But, I want to learn the stories of other Filipinos and Asian Americans who shirked their familial duties and obligations to become doctors, lawyers, and engineers. Maybe I need reassurance that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way.

... And, I guess, I really am lonely in this house full of people. (Very full at the moment; we have aunt and maternal grandma staying for another two weeks so I get to sleep downstairs in the family room.) The only person I can relate to at all is my sister... but it's hard to do that when you're trying to not let your pity show.

I remember a time when I did make amazing connections with others. When I took down the bricks and barracades to peer out and see who else was in this world besides me. And I found them, and we got along famously.

But now it seems that every single relation I have is strained. The once innocent quips my father and I fling at eachother are becoming more personal and damaging. My mother is reacting to her mother's presence by increasing her need for perfection. Both grandmas (including the one I actually like) have conspired against the rest of the family because no one will eat their cooking; what they don't understand is that their food really does taste like shit. I've caught sis staring at the mirror and I find myself gauging how much longer it will be before she's bent over the toilet like I do.

Friendships are becoming even more strained. Rocky and I have short, usually stinted conversations about everything. Even the hour of rabid discussion about the qualities of different Final Fantasy games compared to other RPGs had trickled down to mere droplets. Communication with Matt has been almost nil for quite some time. When I feel like talking or sharing bits of entertainment info, Mike's never on. Karen seldom talks for four lines now, a stark contrast when I read the conversations we had when she still attended Gorman. Then, Tyler's grown quite well at ignoring the signs I let slip when I really NEED to talk to someone.

Fuck, even Sarah, who I seldom talk to save once or twice every few months, can tell instantly when something is bothering me.

It came to a head today during the farewell dinner I had at Buca with my cousin Joe. A lot time ago, we used to be really close friends, even best friends. But now... the topics don't come so easily anymore and really, this might be the last time that I see him for a few years.

I...

.....

The cabin fever is getting to me. Both the one caused by this household, and the need to discard this current body.

....

I've progressed past wanting to kill myself.

...

I want to kill the world.