"Being Alive"

Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
And ruin your sleep
And make you aware of being alive

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell
And give you support for being alive - being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody hold me too close
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I'll always be there
As frightened as you of being alive
Being alive, being alive

Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not
Will want you to share a little, a lot of being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive

Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I'll always be there
As frightened as you to help us survive
Being alive, being alive,
Being alive, being alive.

On a brighter note, it's always entertaining to see people you know on the XY Personals section.

Flame on, laddies.

It's almost 3am on a Monday (ungodly early) morning, and I feel as if my head is about to fall off. Y'see, for almost a year or so I've had the uncanny ability to crack/pop my neck bones (usually with multiple pops so it sounds like someone walking on gravel/packing bubbles). So, in the midst of working on some homework, I crack my neck as usual... and then I get dizzy fairly quickly. Still dizzy at the moment actually.

If this continues till school starts, then AP History will be one rather long and painful ordeal. To make matters worse, we're taking notes on prolific airbrush artists in Art today. Normally I don't mind so much, but there's an assignment that I'm just itching to finish. And I'll be damned if I don't have class time to work on it (since my afterschool activities take up most-to-all of that time).

“You’re sending me after the Metatron alone?”

/ No, I’m sending you to Hell, to find Crawly, who will assist you in overthrowing the Metatron, and redeem himself, and you two can make happy angel babies while I rearrange the plazas of Heaven in an aesthetically pleasing manner. How does that strike you?/ asked God.

Aziraphale choked on his tea.

Bad habits are starting to make their severely unwanted presence known. I also have a premonition that sis is picking up on these evil habits as well. Thing is, she cannot afford the time I waste while procrastinating. Eh.

Looking back, I realize now that it really was mostly my fault. Hindsight is a bitch... a bitch with constant 20/20 vision.

And it's a pity that not too many people know of Holcombe Waller. His music is really befitting of my mood at the given hour.

Which reminds me of all the numerous times sis has chewed me out for not sympathizing with characters in movies. That's just it, I don't sympathize with characters. Stories are nice, but most of the time it's all just fiction. And besides, as a movie watcher I cannot make a personal connection with what I see.

I make plenty of connections through music. It's really the best substitute for emotion there is. Even the visual arts cannot compare with the amazing range of emotions music can communicate.

...but music cannot be meditated beyond what is heard and/or read. The visual arts, more so than the performing arts, can be studied and examined and so much more lasting than the fleeting movements of a ballet or the actors upon a stage.

Crap. I'm rambling on again. Time to stop.

I. Don't. Want. To. Touch. That. Canvas.

In the midst of reading several Good Omens slash fics (namely one excellently written one which places Crowley and Aziraphale just before the French Revolution) I suddenly remembered a book sis and I read during middleschool... in the seventh grade, I believe.

In the book The Heavenward Path, a young daughter of the Heian-Japanese nobility is attacked and stranded with her older sister in a place far from their home. Then, in order to return to their home, they have to rely on the help of a tengu (a half-raven demon who taught monks the martial arts).

During their journey, the girl and the tengu fall in love. At the end of the second book (which I've forgotten the title to) the tengu resolves to join a Buddhist monastery and recite prayers for the remainder of his life, even though those prayers would eventually kill him. He does this because he wants to be reincarnated as a human so he and the girl can fall in love and be together forever.

Loverly story. Draws much from The Tale of Genji, both stylistically and historically.

Just thought you ought to know.

Whoa... Broadway overload at the moment. Listening to the (actual, not 1996 cast recording) "Cell Block Tango" while searching for some Steven Sondheim lyrics/mp3s. You can blame this Sondheim collection production that was playing on HBO today: Putting It Together. It was actually quite good... despite Sondheim's penache for refrain-less songwriting.

Can anyone still hum the tune to Into the Woods?

And along that same note, Karen deary, I saw this one coming...."Not just idol talk" (my gaydar never fails... well, when I'm not distracted anyways).

Did some serious researching followed by a buffet dinner and discussions about going to Rhode Island for summer... among other things. No good fortune cookies this time 'round.

Last night I spent a good two hours letting my hair get acquainted with the scissors. Yes, I've attempted to cut my own hair so it doesn't look like a dyke-cut (as Nick would say) and it came out rather well. I can wear my hair down if I choose, but I've grown accustom to the faux-50's style I've been sporting the past couple of weeks.

Then again, being able to run my fingers through my hair without feeling any gunky palmnade would be wonderful.

Chicago is great and wonderful. Lauren, Cassandra, and I were singing it in the backroom during art (and C was doing practically all the juicy moves from the Cell Block Tango) as we finished up some of our art history work. At some point Michaels yelled at us to turn off the music, but not before half of the class saw us (lip)singing and dancing. Good times, good times.

Electric skillets are beautiful and wonderful. Made a hibachi-esque dinner on the coffee table while watching Stargate SG-1 last night.

Continuing on those lines, wrote an insane amount of japanese for an essay. Most of the kanji looks rather pretty, so I plan to buy some sumi-e paper and more inksticks.

Still need to finish that gigantic canvas.

Grandma's being evil again. A relative, who has a history of borrowing much money from said grandma, is asking for even more money so he can marry in the Philippines. And he doesn't have a job. Heh, idiot.

Well, finally over at my new host (yay!).

The only thing that's giving me grief at the moment are the archives (missing ten months from 2002) but other than that things have been running relatively smoothly.

Ish.

Currently finishing up the final touches to the new layout for this site. Expect everything to be moved over to http://outlines.pylduck.com before I post again.

Thanks again to my most gracious host Paul for letting me use some of his webspace! Doumo arigatou.

I want to go to that RISD summer program. They're offering six-hour days of a selected major (go architecture, graphic design, and fashion!) with foundation art history and more drawing/observational skills classes. I know I can get in if I applied. Plus, I can check out the Eastern Seaboard's climate and see if living there isn't all that bad.

Just... one little problem. Um... tuition: $2,990, room and boarding: $1,390 (+$185 for a single), class supplies: up to $700... plus living expenses. So, it's at least $5,080. Scholarships could help with some of the expenses, but I'm not sure if I could pass the screening process. Shite.

Wish someone would feel up to giving me a rather large graduating present. Anyone?

Ahem... Guess that Paul has recently discovered the wonder that was pre-broadway Jekyll & Hyde. Before they sacrificed the emotionally defeated characters and pragmatic story for some sentimental crap about ill fathers and Eponine-esque prostitutes. Really.

And yes, "Bring On the Men" is quite an amazing song. I can sing it and dance Lucy's table-top number to it at the same time.

In other musical news, several more people have now seen Chicago. So... during NHS Lauren, Cassandra, and I were dishing out the punchlines from "The Cell Block Tango." Wonder how many weird stares we got.

Scratch that, I don't think I care. ^_^

Watching Chicago again was great. The actual experience itself... was a let down. Again, my theory about dressing to kill holds firm: everytime I feel like doing something out of the ordinary (in this case, wearing a shirt I made myself and pants I haven't touched in almost a year) whatever event I attend becomes a let down.

This time, hardly anyone showed up for the movie. Karen and Justin seemed to like the movie a lot, sis and I were our usual estatic selves, but Christy didn't seem to like the Richard Gere-stripping number. And I don't think she likes musicals all that much. Pity.

That only means... that I'll be planning another big'ol' group outing to watch Chicago (again) when it gets released to the Suncoast theaters.

Hrm... and my humanistic sentiments may or may not have withered away at the moment. It's not that often that I'm openly willing to admit my faults.

Oh well. I should try something that Jyl does (semi)frequently: give everyone a 24 hour period where I have to answer all questions truthfully. But... I won't.

Like I said, rare moments and all.

Gah... dammit. Remind me NEVER to wear just sleeveless shirts when it's still winter.

Currently reading through the Lucifer messageboard at DCComics.com and... well, the debates are very interesting.

(For those who don't know, Lucifer is a series based off of the storyline that Neil Gaiman had written in his Sandman series. In continuing this story, the angel Morningstar has quit his post as ruler of hell to open up a piano bar in LA. This leads him to enduring some interesting situations and, from where I am at the moment, allows him to create another... erm, Creation. A very interesting read for those who aren't too disgusted by anything remotely apocryphal. Anyways...)

It seems that the Deists and Theists are going at it at the messageboard. One person condemns YHWH for being a selfish god, then another counters that point with flawed human perspective, followed by a counterpoint about appropriate wording, etc.

I'd voice my opinions, but I don't feel like going through the trouble of setting up a posting ID for getting involved in (what appears to be quickly turning into) a bloddy debate.

Still, if you don't mind your religions devoid of the metaphysical, it's fascinating stuff.

Ahem.... CHICAGO!

Now a proud winner of... erm, several Golden Globe awards (I only saw them win the best Comedy/Drama Movie).

You all should come watch it with me tomorrow at 2:00pm! Oh, it'll be at the Village Square theaters.

Yay! Hopefully musical-movies will now catch on once again.

Again, stop me before I cook myself to death.

I need to get $100 or so to buy Jamie Oliver's three books. (Still debating whether or not to get the DVD).

Reminds me of a character from Norwegian Wood (that Japanese-translated-to-English book I had half my friends reading last year), Midori, who saved up her highschool allowances to buy decent cooking ware.

Tch. I still possess no actual talent for cooking, though. No where near patient enough for that.

All the coffee in the world is worthless when, while attempting a ten-hour painting marathon, your eyes get extremely dry.

I need to seriously invest in some eye drops.

Stop me before I cook myself into an early grave. This morning I made some apple/pear cobbler flambe (which was only semi-successful since the champagne had been sitting in the refridgerator for two days) and candied it with a Merlot-caramel glaze. Second-degree burned my hand, and nicked my finger with the pairing knife.

At lunch I made reuben sandwiches for sis, mom, and myself. They actually came out quite good despite the lack of swiss cheese. Sliced open my thumb while cutting onions.

Thankfully, my injuries aren't as bad as sis' when she severely scraped up her knees on friday. Profuse bleeding on both her knees, but oddly enough her pants did not tear. Hm.

On another surprising note, grandma is acting a bit hostile towards me. It's about time. But I'm still not ready to forgive her for ruining my science fair experiment.

Took an hour-long shower to wash off all that damn palmade that I used for the past two weeks. Unless you go through your hair with shampoo and a fine-toothed comb, there's no chance that you'll get all those damned clumps out.

But now my head feels like soft, shaggy bunny hair. And for the record, I wasn't the one to say that.

Technically I haven't done much homework this weekend. I've almost gotten through the first section of my history homework (and began reading my damned Am.Lit. novel)(I plan to get that done on tuesday) and I plan to finish half of the big painting tonight.

Elton John and Billy Joel are playing together? Damn... if only the tickets weren't so expensive.

Okee. Time to stop rambling.

"I know the happiest day in my life is the day that I die."

I don't care what anyone else says, Good Charlotte did NOT sell out, are NOT posers, and (at the moment) are NOT rich beyond belief.

Thank you.

Friday's excursion to Buffet @ Asia (a really cheap but almost uncanningly excellent buffet) with friends was great. And the comic store (almost) next door was wonderful too. It's been a while since I've been in one... almost two years, I think. The guy who used to be behind the counter (but instead was now walking around) was eyeing the group and mumbled something to the extent of: "this ain't a library, kiddies."

I think I was the only to buy stuff. But now I'm down almost $30. And my pleather pants felt uncomfortably hot thanks to the heating weather.

Got a pleasant congrats email from the Duck, a plus to the minus of the noisy construction above my head. Thank yee!

Parents are getting their bathroom remodeled (since it was in severe need of a face/surface lift) so, for the past four days, we've had strange men walking about the upper levels of the house. Hopefully they'll be done and gone by today. I don't particularly like sharing one shower with the entire family.

And unlike the last time we had stuff built onto the house, there was no cute younger assistant to eye-flirt with. Tch.

I should open up a chocolatre. Last night I used up the rest of the baking chocolate and made a semi-abstract chocolate lily the size of a bowl. There was a lot of chocolate to work wit. It was all three-dimensional and hard and wonderful. And, given the lack-luster ingredients, the champagne-chocolate didn't taste too bad at all.

Iron-on transfers are wonderful things. I've resolved myself to make any and all punk-esque clothing which I own. I refuse to wear the faded sweaters and shirts from Hot Topic!

It seems like, next to sis, I'm the only person in the entire group that's ready to forgive and (for the most part) forget. It's old and over and I'm tired of pretense.

I figure that most people out there are inheritly corrupt, manipulative, hypocritic, exploitative, and flawed. No need to hate someone just because they act upon their nature.

Hell, I know that I'm far worse than most of my friends in all aspects. I just keep it all restrained for our sake.

Heh... grandma's eyeing the left-over chocolate with disgust. That's hilarious.

From: www.abante-tonite.com
Ang twin brother ni Mike Villegas na si Angelo Villegas, kasama si Allan Feliciano, ang nag-develop ng lighthearted at gay-themed na This Guy’s In Love with You, Pare.

Translated: The twni brother of Mike Villegas, Angelo Villegas, with Allan Feliciano, developed the lighthearted and gay-themed "This Guy's In Love with You, Pare (Buddy)."

Erm, yeah. That's disturbing. It's not just the theme itself, nor the fact that it's filipino... it's actually watching the comic music video on ABS-CBN. Imagine a faux-ghetto pinoy acting cool around his friend, then retreats to his bedroom where he writes love notes (with a furry pink pen) in an album of his best friend's photos while daydreaming about being Marilyn Monroe.

And the satire really is more lighthearted than it is mockery.
. . .
Finals have been hell, but I'll survive with my GPA intact.
. . .
Everyone should watch Chicago with me during the upcoming four-day weekend.

It's a great movie.

It felt like a RENT kind of night. A prance - up - and - down - the - stairs - singing - "Take Me Out Tonight" kind of night.

Tried condensing three weeks worth of practice on the piano to one day's work. Didn't happen. Crap.

Finals are tomorrow. I don't know whether to be happy or disappointed that I'll only have to study for two of them.

"Everywhere I turn, there's a little bit that is still there."

I hate fantasizing with a passion. It serves my needs no more.

Well, that was interesting.

Today I was unusally chipper despite the mounds of stress I recently (and all too suddenly) accumulated. Enough so to play around with the lil kitty plushie Karen got from Haley as a Christmas present. Squwee.

At home I was watching, of all things, Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss with the grandma present. That got very uncomfortable... but compared to her watching Kissing Jessica Stein (since she has a death wish out for my... three?... lesbian grandaunts), this was a cakewalk in Manhattan.

Then again, a movie starring Sean Hayes has that effect on 10% of the population (or more, depending on where you live).

"Contrary to popular belief, not all gay guys get laid frequently."

Eventually sis changed the channel since it was going to play again later that night. In fact, it's on right now.

Last-minute slap job on my Asimov biography presentation. It was really quite easy; all I have to do now is construct the "talking robot" which will be dishing out the answers.

People like my online comic at school. I'm elated.

At the risk of sounding too gay (ha, too late for that sweetie) lemme just say... HolySusieFatherOfTodd the movie Chicago is amazing!

Albeit the butchering of several songs irked me, I got over it eventually. Then I completely forgot about it.

It's great. It's great! I'd sing, but that involves uploading a badly recorded mp3 and that's a no-go at the moment.

And Catherine Z. Jones really did steal the spotlight frequently.

I can't wait for the movie-musical to come back in full stride.

On a nice sidenote: went to Nordstrom to do some fashion spying. In other words, I got into the fitting rooms with my digital camera to take photos of clothes to study them. But that's not the story.

The story was the cute piece of man-meat who "assisted" me to the fitting rooms. Dear lordy the guy was (said with a Jew-from-Scaresdale accent) like butter!

That's all I have to say.

Aw hell. Shoot me, I'm eating healthy/regularly again.

I was suppose to finish two chapters from my history book, but I could only get through one. Why, one may ask.

Finally got the good version of the Dahmer movie. It actually was quite good and was able to accomplish something most movies (sans Silence of the Lambs) was able to do: represent the killer-character as a mere human who chose an unhealthy way to cope.

There really wasn't much gore in the movie except for one convincing prosthetic arm, a drill, and the gel-wax-esque gore on the kitchen floor at the end. It wasn't even that scary either. Suspenseful, yes; terrifying, not really.

The director/actor commentary said that they wanted people to come away from the movie feeling a bit dirty for sympathizing with a "monster." Sis was, but I was fine.

Also got Kissing Jessica Stein. Dear lordy I wouldn't have been able to watch that thing on the big silver screen... and that's not because it was a bad movie. Noo, far from it.

Damn, I should get back to my work then. Tch.

Alright, I give in. Here's something to commemorate this drab New Year's with: a palm reading!

You have a good imagination, and often exhibit sensitivity to others.

You may have trouble concentrating or focusing your attention, especially under stress.

There is a tremendous amount of intensity in your mental processes.

At times, you may tend to be overly sensitive to criticism. You can be excessively cautious or narrow in your outlook unless you receive the right kind of encouragement.

The general flexibility of your character is a useful attribute. At certain times in your life, you may have romantic conflicts and difficulty maintaining friendships. You will overcome these problems after a little introspection.

There may be times in your life when you give in to feelings of sadness or depression.

One possible character flaw is a tendency to be inconsistent or untrustworthy. You may have to work to develop more consideration and cooperation.

At certain times in your life, you may have romantic conflicts and difficulty maintaining friendships. These problems are not likely to last long.

There are inconsistencies in your energy level, possibly triggered by external factors or emotional changes.

Your high energy level draws people to you.

You have a basically strong constitution, and should enjoy good health most of the time.

You were probably given a good start in life by your parents. This could be based on your general upbringing, or on physical characteristics you inherited.

A major illness or setback is predicted near mid-life. However, you can expect a speedy recovery.

So. It's finally 2003.

Call in all those debts because after today no one will claim to remember them.

This year wasn't eventful in the least bit. The family (sans grandma with pink-eye) played ten rounds of mah jongg, then everyone broke to work/do whatever.

I even missed the countdown while in my room reading. Dad came in mid-chapter and handed me a glass of champagne.

If today is any indication of how the rest of they year will be like, someone slap me. Hard.

I miss last year already.