... stupid effing horny-ass monkeys.

::sings:: You can't get my spirits down when I'm singin' and dancin' to Broadway!

But I couldn't keep singing all day. So the clouds came a-rollin' again.

Drums keep pounding a rhythm to my brain.

La di la di dii, la di la di da.

Help me, I've pulled apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell.

What good is sitting alone in your room? Come here the music play!

So... new layout. I felt it needed something... new. Nuevo. Neo. Atarashii.

Nyah.

I wish everyone wasn't in such a fine, chipper mood. Otherwise I wouldn't feel too bad 'bout telling them something which has been happening the past couple of months. And only now I'm seeking serious help about it.

Only Matt knows for sure what I'm talking about. And Christen can relate.

I feel guilty for not going to church choir practice. Not my fault, however; I had no ride this week. Parents went to Lord of the Dance, thusly depriving me of one more practice. Hopefully Patty won't be too pissed with me when I come back next week.

And tomorrow will be hell on earth.

Hmm... today. Today was okay. Not spectacular in any kind of way, but no reason for me to delay.

Most notable things which happened today:
- lil bit of ear nibbling from someone
- finished my multicultral photo assignment
- had the Todaro-devil for math... shudder
- got extra-long glimpses at Steven
- gave Claire a semi-lapdance to help cheer her up... apparently she didn't need it

And stuff... which I won't mention here. Well, maybe. But in code exclusively.

Okee, it's been a while since I've tried this.. but I shall attempt a stream-of-consciousness for five minutes. Ahem. And the topic shall be... "Clothing." Ready? Go.

I'm really ticked off at the moment because apparently I had forgotten that I was wearing one of my better shirts during art today. How the hell was I suppose to know that we were going to be painting today? So, I got some venetian red onto my kick ass red dragon shirt and that pissed the hell out of me.. especially since it's acrylic and, given my shirt's complete lack of stamina, repeated washing will only hurt the color more. Another gripe I have is the fact that nothing bought black stays black! I seriously have to buy a new collared black shirt every two months or so because repeated washing turns the gorgeous blackness into shades of dark blue and purple. Hell, even my shoes can't stay black for more than five minutes till they're covered in a whitening sheen of dust and/or dirt. Really it's quite annoying. If I was a bit more OCD I would be cleaning incessantly... but thankfully it hasn't come to that... yet. And once more, I'm finding that I'm wearing more and more black these days. Funny thing to note since last year I was still semi-closeted and this year I'm more out and open and blah di blah di blah. Really it's ironic. Actually, I do severely enjoy black.. I just couldn't wear it half of the time last year because I had ceramics first thing in the morning for even-period days. And ceramics does prove to render every shirt and garment, despite the color, a chalky, porcelain white. Grr! A week ago I went to the Kiln club afterschool just to hang out. While trying to teach Michelle how to use the potter's wheel, I got some familiar dust on my black shirt and pants. URGH!

... oh hey, perfect timing.

Ahem.

And lemme just say that Alanis Morissette's new cd is effing awesome!

Sis' sketching my ear at the moment for art... Well, she has yet to actually start. So now, after chastising her a bit, she's off to fetch a chair for her to sit in.
. . .
I feel the urge to be a beatnick again. Well, not so much the whole snap-applause and poetry reading. More like the cafe-connoseiur... don't blame me for my horrendous french spelling, I don't take that language... who goes to a smokey cafe, drinks his java, sits back contented and contemplates.

Problem is... the scale doesn't like me. Apparently I've gained back five pounds o'er the past two days... so I'm more or less fasting to help boost my self-esteem a bit. Kinda hard to do at the moment, especially after dad made lasagna for dinner... Well, "made" in the sense that he followed the directions for baking on the packet. Grr... I hate being so weight-conscious. But I know that in order for me to feel sensuality, this body will not do. So, the things we do for love/sex/everything. :|

And I ate an abundance of Roman food during english (first class of the day no less!) so I felt really bad after all that food was consumed. Waai!

"I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful, so unloved for someone so fine. I can feel so boring for someone so interesting, so in your arms for someone of sound mind."
-Alanis' "So Unsexy"

Nyah.

Erm... I should check up on the apples I'm cooking at the moment. And yes, I am a nocturnal creature! Bwahahaha!

For once, when I say I'm numb, I'm not talking emotional-wise. This time it's genuine, eskimo-quality numb! The house at this moment is completely effing cold and, given the positioning of my legs at this moment, all circulation has been more or less cut off. Not to mention my frozen digits struggling to type this up... Actually, except for the backs of my hands, everything's starting to warm up.

In other news, I sympathize with Karen. At the moment I cannot stand people who wallow in their own self pity and grief. Being genuinely depressed and forcing yourself to be depressed are two different things... Although I'm leaning more towards the genuinely depressed for this situation, but the guy is still pushing himself to act thusly.

Currently wondering if that guy's catching on that I've been stalking him for the past two point five weeks. I mean really Steven, when I'm staring at you across the cafeteria... Well, usually it's at a safe distance. Today however... I relocated to another table and he happened to sit down at the table right next to us. And we were facing eachother completely. Oh. My. Lordy.

As always, feelin' happy for Duck-san and his near-boyfriend status. You'd make R a happy man, m'friend.

"You have really loud pants today, Chuck." -Joey

"Oh my god?! Wait, lemme see.... OH MY GOD?! You're a fan too?! Wait, lemme go get something!" -Zack

"Would you shut that off! You five are the only people in this entire table who can stand Alanis Morisette!" -Taylor

"You're three to our five." -Lauren

And I was called pretty today. Ne'er gotten that one before.

Whee! No longer numb!... scratch that, my left leg's still going.

Well... I managed to skip church for the past two weeks. A feat rendered possible now that grandma's gone for a few months. ^_^

In place of church, I went to the Projekt Revolution concert with: Adema, Cyprus Hill, and Linkin Park.

My group of eight got split up since half of us got our tickets a bit late and were stuck with balcony seats. So, I had Matt, Adrian, and Crystal with me.

Adema was fine enough. The crowd was plenty warmed up, but didn't really show any energy. Matt and I were energetic enough since we were both familiar with Adema. At the end, Crystal decided to try getting down to the general admission section by sneaking behind the security at the stairwell. She was successful and urged us to follow suite. We, however, were completely content where we sat.

Cyprus Hill was boing, so the remaining three of us just chatted the entire time. Matt started this ear-blowing thing which resulted in Adrian giggling madly whenever she got done, Matt getting a big-ass grin when it was his turn, and me keeling over in ecstacy. Also, we tried to teach Adrian to dance, but she wasn't very reciprocative. From her vantage, Crystal thought we were trying to toss her over the railing.

Linkin Park... effing amazing. Crystal rejoined us mid-set, and other than that I paid no other attention except towards the band. There was one point where everyone had a lighter up and, from where I was, the crowd looked like a sea of stars. Afterwards, Chester sang a slow song... definitely a rare treat for any LP fan.

Afterwards, waited for the other half of the group to show up in front. While waiting, ran into Missi, guy-Lauren, mushroom-Matt, Krista, and lil-gay-theatre-Sean.

Walking to the van in the parking lot proved one thing; all the weed everyone was smoking had gotten to all of us, and we were suspiciously euphoric. More evidence while in the car that we got a lil high from the concert:
- everyone was laughing at the slightest incident
- Matt was talking openly 'bout his boyfriend
- Christine's reflex to hit me whenever we made body contact didn't register
- Emily was docile
- Cat was laughing profusely
- I was using Matt as a pillow and successfully managed to... erm
- Christine started laughing really hard and ended up face first into my crotch... more laughter

And... yeah. So I had fun tonight! ^_^

And I soo do not want to go to school tomorrow! ;_;

Don't ask me why... but I have the strangest feeling that I could've found/fallen in love today had I ventured outside. A bit bizarre, I know. But imagine how things can be changed by just a chance encounter?

Would I have run into someone fitting had to gone to the baptism at Saint Joe's? Shadowing the back aisles and trancepts, away from the center of the "celebrations," would I have bumped into someone and started a conversation? At first to distract ourselves from the droning priest, then to get to know the other person?

If I did manage to attend Hello Dolly tonight, would I have been able to go backstage not only to greet my friends, but to strike up a conversation with Steve? If I had walked 'round the theater area, would I have bumped into someone in the cast whom I hadn't known? Would I be in the alley between the theater and the dance rooms, cornered and underneath a streetlight, kissing someone?

... Sorry, I'm a bit maudlin at the moment... again.

This proves to be interesting... although the melodrama inspired by the background music is a bit much.

And I so wish I could go to Hello Dolly! tonight! It's closing night afterall! Oh well, my fondest thoughts, wishes, and hopes go out to all my friends in the cast... which would comprise about half the entire production. -_-;;

That Steve guy (one of the principle dancers) does look an awful lot like a Matt with an anorexic-stick build...

I wish the age of the musical's domination of the silver screen! Right now watching to "That's Entertainment!", a documentary of MGM's decade of musicals.

...

On another note, how the hell did Michael Crawford get from Cornelius Hackle to the Phantom in the span of about ten-twenty years?! o.0;;

Hmm... I should probably write down the recipes for some of the things I've been cooking. Just now I made a drink from must (condensed white wine) and apples... and it is quite exquisite. Tastes like rum or mead but not quite as bitter. And far sweeter. ^_^

... My mother's tendency to OCD every second has majorly ticked me off.

And since the family's watching the olympics in the same room, I can't cool down.

Not to mention my nail polish drying.

... grrr.

Today... exhausting. I'd go to bed right now but...

a) I need to get my homework done

b) I need to call people

c) I have the urge to lather myself in Victoria's Secret strawberry lotion

d) I just got home an hour ago.

So I shall muster all my strength to stay up.

Oh... and never ever will I look at one of those KitKat BigKat the same way again...

Whee! I'm an elephant!

And still need to confirm confirm confirm plans for tomorrow.

Mwah.

Yes, all these love poems have made me succeptible to feeling maudlin.

And thank you Jacob. You've re-affirmed my views on love.

And I cannot express my appreciation enough.

"The Passionate Shepherd to His Love"
by Christopher Marlowe

"Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove,
That hills and valleys, dales and fields,
And all the craggy mountains yields.

There we will sit upon the rocks,
And see the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

And will I make thee beds of roses
With a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kittle
Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle;

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold;

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs:
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me and be my love.

The shepherds' swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love."

It's interesting to note that Marlowe's poems are more often than not ambiguous to the reciever's gender. In case you're wondering, I'm typing up some poems for Barto to use for his english assignment... seeing how he has no access to literature at his house.

So... today was filled with spurts of energy.

In English we had to relocate to the cafeteria since the japanese room is now encased in a cocoon of paper for Culturama. Regular boring-ness.

World History was okay... I did a lot of sitting in different seats that day. Still boredom. Got a bit energized while talking 'bout my QaF DVD's though.

Chemistry was more boredom. Lauren and I passed notes across the table. Then Taylor and Gerard had a discussion on penial girth... and that got interesting. Taylor's amazingly nice, but some people don't realize that his semi-asshole-ness is an act. He is quite sweet... And no, I have no feelings towards him. I just marvel at how well-rounded that boy is.

Art was spent trying to organize my group for our presentation on friday. Not much to note there.

APC was spent trying to organize again. Didi discussed things within the constitution of the club which we needed to revise, and now we're doing a current/historical discussion at our next meeting. We might actually get things accomplished this year.

Afterwards, didn't eat a bite o'er at Pinoy Pinay, and dropped of sis at orchestra. Then my piano lessons and home, since I don't have to go sing this weekend. Linkin Park concert and all.

And now, freshly showered and broadway-bound, I'm feeling quite refreshed.

The funniest thing in the entire world right now... es Queer As Folk en espanol! The voices are semi to extremely off for the characters... except for Emmett's. He sounds several octaves higher and now resembles Angel from RENT. Oi. o.0

... I'm beginning to think that my concern for those two star-crossed boys isn't completely selfless. Yes I do care deeply for those two since they're both some of my closest friends, but I'm playing their Eros/Cupid/Guardian-of-Love to escape my own problems.

And right now, I know of one major problem.

Self-mutilation's a bitch. But no one notices when they can't see it.

There's still one more question I have to ask Juliet about the entire situation though...

I've been out of it the entire day. Even having irregular sleeping patterns (i.e. sleeping from 5pm to 1am) and waking up in a completely different room.

And my dad doesn't understand several things:

1) When I ask him once not to comment on my weight, be it good or bad, I expect him to be kind enough to oblige.

2) The constant spitting, grunting, mumbling, hacking, coughing, and wheezing, all without covering his mouth or any other move to do me the kindest curtiousy is utterly disgusting.

3) Making comments about Michelle Kwan's skating and expecting me to agree with every single one of his opinions is quite tedious, especially while I'm trying to finish my homework.

4) This damned blog is personal. If I ask you, pop, to stop reading, I would be forever greatful if you did.

And accents of any kind are annoying me at the moment.

At 3am in the morning I'm stuck working on a mountain of homework (I hyperbolize not, especially with the sanding and preparation of my self-portrait piece), beating myself up for eating too much today (and something even worse), psyching myself up to act happy at school, and wondering how Romeo and Juliet are at this hour.

To top it off, I'm cold.

And incessantly whining. Like most of my friends, I tend to whine a lot.

But that's because I don't whine openly, and this is the only place I am able to do so. So nyah.

::mwah::

I need more coffee.

Jenny sent me this email about a list of things someone would know/do if they grew up in the 80's. I just kept all the parts that applied to me.
You know you grew up in the '80s if....
1.You ever ended your sentence with "psych"
2.You solved the Rubics cube.....by peeling off the sticker
3. You watched the Pound Puppies
4. You can sing the rap to "the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
6. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a
club of your own.
7. You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls
8. You know who Six is from Blossom
9. Three words: M.C. Hammer
10. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales"!
11. If you played the chipmunks Christmas album all year long!
12. The crypt keeper really freaked you out
14. You ever watched Fraggle Rock
15. You had plastic streamers on the handle bars of your bike
16. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch
cartoons
18. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen.
19.You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at
school.
22.You played the game "Mash" with friends at school.
26.You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
27.You wanted to be a Goonie.
28.You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will,clothing.
29.You wanted to be on StarSearch.
31. You took Lunch boxes to school.
32.You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
33.You remember the craze, and then the banning of slap bracelets.
34.You still get the urge to use "NOT" at the end of every statement you.
37.You remember Punky Brewster.
38.You loved Howard the duck.
39.You thought Sheera and He-man should hook up.
40.You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged
"friendship bracelets".
42.After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you couldn't stop saying"I know you
are but what am I?".
43.You remember "I've fallen...and I can't get up!" When you watched Family
Matters .
46.You know not to mix poprocks and soda.
47.You have played with a 'skip-it'.
48.You had or went to a birthday party at McDonald's.
51.You learned oldies songs by watching Alvin and the Chipmunks.
53.You remember dancing along with the Bangles in "Walk Like An Egyptian".
54.If you remember Heathcliff the orange cat.
55.You saw the California Raisins Christmas claymation special.
56.You've gone through this list occasionally saying "That wasn't from the
80's".
60.MISS MARY MACK MACK MACK ALL DRESSED IN BLACK BLACK BLACK......
62.You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
64.You remember the Transformers.
65.You had to buy a pair of overalls when everyone started wearing them.
66.You knew what it meant to say: "Care bear stare!!" and you had a favorite.
67.You remember Rainbow Bright and MY Little Pony Tails.
68.You remember watching TV thinking Doogie Howser was hot!.
69.You remember Alf, the little furry brown alien from Malmac.
70.You remember the large amounts of hairspray used.
71.You remember those very stylish headbands.
74.You remember the beginning of New Kids on the Block.
75.You remember watching The Cosby show.
77.You remember Michael J. Fox in Family Ties and Back to the Future

Scary. o.0

Things have ended better than expected, to say the least.

Plans today were for a mall excursion with "Romeo." Before leaving we were constantly calling "Juliet" to see if he could come or not. No answer from him until 10:00am, when we were at the mall.

Got there an hour before the mall actually opened. They have a window-shopping thing where people can walk 'round the mall an hour before it opens both to browse and to exercise. We passed by the DeBeers which was emitting some strange white gases. Didn't smell like smoke though.

Ate McDonalds, and Romeo was doing very well to mask his concern. After a breakfast of Egg McMuffin and piss-water coffee, I called Juliet, who gave an affirmative on the mall. Karen was even coming too.

Went to Hot Topics with mom and sis, then after half an hour parted ways and waited outside the entrance with Romeo. Juliet came 'round after a couple of minutes along with Karen, and we started scouring the mall again. Basically in search of fuzzy slippers, a pair of pants, stuff for Veronica, and bday stuff for Tina. Didn't get any of the above. Instead, Romeo got a rotating ying-yang ring and a Gackt-esque jacket that I believe Kristen has. -_-;; Juliet got two posters of Linkin Park and GC. Karen and I didn't have much money so we just browsed most of the time.

Ran into Nick and Justin at Suncoast and chatted a bit while we were there. At that point I mentioned my most recent acquisition: the first season of QaF on DVD! ^_^ Justin and Nick wanna borrow it now.

Juliet was constantly complaining about his aching back, so Romeo was always there to give him a back massage.

Around 1:30pm got picked up by dad and went to the Suncoast. Went to reserve a bowling lane and then ate at the buffet. These three babies were having a yelling contest and it was quite cute! On the way out of the buffet some sort of alarm was triggered and the whole place looked like the cruise ship from the Fifth Element. Well, just the flashing lights and the announcer on the speaker. Most people didn't heed much of the warning, and neither did we.

Afterwards Karen had to leave so there was much hugging and farewelling. We walked her outside to the valet where her mom would pick her up. I'm schedueled to help her with her auditioning portfolio next saturday.

Bowling afterwards, and in the tradition of all bowling excursions, Juliet was heavily making out with Romeo... behind mom's back of course. It's kinda hard to miss the chemistry between those two. I had to prevent myself from looking at them because the sheer cuteness of that couple would've made me squeal in delight and adoration.

Bowling done, drove to Juliet's home and dropped him off. On the ride, Romeo gave him his Vday present and they were sneaking kisses behind the parent's backs.

Off to the airport where Romeo had to catch his flight home. Before he had to leave, I called Juliet on my cellphone and the two talked for a good hour or so. Ate at the mini-Raceway Cafe, and I went with Romeo to see him off to the metal detectors... since that's as far as I could go. Much hugging and farewells, and then we parted with smiles on our faces.

Went back to the table to mom arguing with dad about the accuracy of the foodbill. Sis and I just left since we knew things wouldn't get pretty if mom complained to the waitress.

And now I'm home. Now it's time to return to reality.

I didn't want this weekend to end.

I want them to be together and happy.

But fate has other plans apparently.

And it hurts so much that I can't do anything too major to help them.

Because I care about those two so much.

Really, I'm the one with the least reason to lament.

But I do sympathize.

And again, I hate feeling powerless.

Well, these past couple of days have proven to be very very interesting.

Dashed hopes.

But sometime the schemeing stopped.

And in the end...

Well, we'll have to wait and see what happens in the end.

Um...

Puppies go beep.

And Mice go moo.

That's all I have to say.

And once again the fates conspire to screw up my plans. Damned parents. Why is LVA such a volatile subject?

Parents suck.

Holy shit. A good day with a bad ending.

Oh holy shit!

Today was very very very fun!

I can't even remember what happened during the school day.

Afterschool, dad was a bit late in picking us up, so I started singing broadway medley's and punktifying different songs.

Then, went to airport to pick up Barto. Missed him at the gate's exit so I had to fetch him at the luggage retrieval.

Afterwards, dinner at Mainstreet Station buffet, then off to LVA for Hello Dolly!

Lovely lovely show. Beforehand we had a half hour to waste so we just went walking 'round. The play itself was astoundingly entertaining! And it's not fair that Taylor's so damned multi-talented!

Another thing to note: the guy I've been gawking at for about the past week was one of the dancers! Imagine my surprise when I saw him up on stage. Now I think I may be able to pin a name on that boy.

Freemont Street came next, complete with Starbucks, Mardi Gras beads, and Brit Spears/ Janet Jackson booty dancin'.

Came home, and 9 messages greeted us. Several from people attending tomorrow's festivities, several from Barto's mom, and several more from Matt.

Tomorrow's proving to be an interesting day! ^_^

Post #1000!

::party poppers fired, sparklers lit, people feel the urge to sing Auld Lang Syne::

And I've reread everysingle one of those fuckers!

It's amazing to see exactly how much I've changed just over the course of a year. Take for instance, my writing style. A tad bit more sophistication than the days of old... although I'm still trying to work out the ackwardness of some of the things I say. But it's better than the near "hey gurlfriend!" one I had, when I thought that blogs were nothing more than shout-out pages. So, here's a general overview of my life through this forum:

Starts off just fine... well, except for my near idiocy 'bout using ftps. Half of my initial entries were test ones for the new layout which I hadn't erased yet. I actually start posting with some frequency come the holiday season of 2000. Mainly me regurgitating whatever happened that day, followed by an observation of something 'round me... Okay, so nothing's changed all that much. I just don't go into as much detail about my day as I used to. With good reason too; writing verbosely is fun, but rereading what you've written at that point is HELL! Ahem... Several interesting posts during winterbreak, including one where I was near a breakdown. The Eric infatuation started sometime then or during January (it's hard to pinpoint the day of recognition) and I can trace my poetry writing throughout till April or so when I decided to back off.

Reading all the happenings of the last semester of my freshman year brought back some memories. For instance, my entire ordeal with the 'manchine' project, my cursed colored oil painting, and the love-web I was caught in... or, erm thought that I was caught in. Lunches back then were far more interesting, along with the Japanese classes.

Summertime was tentative at best... in the beginning anyways. Sure, I was excited to see my old friends from BMS/PV during summerschool. And if you told me that Matt would've ended up being my best friend half a year later I would've thought you mad. When we first knew eachother, we had more layers than a cake made of phylo dough. Must've been all the conditioning from day-school. Funny thing to look back and think that I was so completely goofy for him. When we finally let eachother see a bit of our true selves, all facades stripped down, I realized exactly how much alike we were. That fact still stands today as something that serves both as a strong bond and something very very disturbing.

From summerschool to the new school year I saw friends part ways, find eachother again, cliques disband, etc. etc. Sometimes it yielded great results... othertimes, it was quite heartbreaking. I grew far closer to several people whom I hardly associated with in the past school year (Flavey after I helped her with her Cody crisis, Will after being in his Japanese and English classes, Wendy because we finally had classes together, Marcy and Adrian due to our Chemistry class, Taylor and Gerard for the same reasons, etc.) while becoming slightly distant or not-as-close to others (Rica-san since we didn't share too many classes, Bunny since we had NOTHING at the same time, Leah because she didn't ever fit into my lunch group completely, Christen since we had no classes again, Sarah and Jen because they found better, more attentative friends, etc.).

Last year I was very very closeted compared to this year. Even Lizzy said so: "I remember when last year you being gay was this BIG secret thingy, and now everyone knows!" ^_^ I've grown more confident in my own skin now that I've dropped some weight (although some days I still manage to get pissy at myself) and I've become far more involved in school organizations and clubs... 'course, no where near as involved as monsieur presidente Kevin. No one can beat that boy at anything... how he maintains a 4.0gpa is beyond me.

My artwork's substantially improved.

I know which colleges I want to apply for.

I've learned to take life in a semi-carefree attitude.

Oh, and I'm flirting more now.

Yep, life's much better compared to last year at 'bout this time.

So, how was your Valentine's/singles awareness day? Mine was fine enough.

In the morning I went to the usual table to greet everyone. Rica had a big ol' bear to give to one of the Mikes, and it seems like Jen was in tears (again). I started giving people my Valentine's blessing/greeting (tracing a heart on their forehead with my finger while wishing them a happy valentine's) at that time.

Japanese: Usual boredom stuff. Later into the period Toru and Mona came up to the front of the room to sing some Jpop songs. Mona was a good singer... if she ever managed to project her voice. Toru's just loud... but slightly off key when he yelled. The people in the spanish class nextdoor applauded with us after they finished singing "Overdrive." More Valentine's greetings given, most notably to Will... Oh yeah, and Will kept on accusing Von of tickling his ass.

Photo: Forgot my prints for that day so I was printing like mad. Lauren got me a Skittles heart and I gave her my greeting. Ruined my shirt a bit thanks to the chemicals though.

Algebra: Mr. M's back so we actually took notes today as opposed to busy work from the subs. Claire and I exchanged grievances 'bout the day. Gave my greeting to several more people, including Mikey.

Lunch: I have a new crush!... too bad I have no idea what his name is. I sat with Claire and Kristen for half of the lunch just so I could glance at him now and then. Also hung out with Wendy, then went to my usual spot outside. Mika gave me some candy stuff.

Art: Shared my Skittles Heart with my table. Lizzy gave me a wonderful handmade valentine:

"May thick and pumping human hearts fill up charming nights. Organs of the nicest kind... and other fine delights."

Written on a lace heart with a turn-of-the-century style cherub hording hearts. She's so awesome! ^_^

Next post'll be the big 1,000. Eep.

Today was... okay, as schooldays are.

English: graded papers, and Miller lost her temper a bit at the complete idiocy of half of the class. 'Course, she apologized saying that she knows that most of us do care and pay attention to the things which we write. Then started second vocabulary words for the quarter and discussed Act II of Julius Caesar a bit since some people got completely lost in the language (read the side notes!). Also, Will's back! More playful flirting material for me! ^_^

World History: thank all divinity that Hoffy is back! The substitute teacher was, as I put it, the antichrist. We spent a good half hour bitching 'bout her, and Hoffy just sat back and laughed. Then talked 'bout the Canada trip, other miscellany, and showed my pictures from Sadies to others. Joey was feeling down, but I though it better not to annoy him.

Chemistry: naturally Belin's class puts a damper on my day/mood. Given free time to work on our worksheets, I was thoroughly bored and was constantly passing notes to Lauren. I kinda snapped at Taylor and he was afraid that I utterly hated him. Really I just wanted to use his head as a pillow since I was quite sleepy. He made amends soon enough, and all was well. Well... Brady gave me a few wayward glances, but that's bout it.

Art: nice atmosphere. I finished my three initial squares for the four-skin exercise, and I have fallen in love with textured ground. Treat bought a coffee maker so now we get coffee durin art! Whoo! ^_^

Lately I've been reading all my previous posts, so that I can have some massive review of my life through this forum in the next two posts.

One of the major problems I face whenever I draw something is that urge for it to be perfect. And perfection, to a trained eye, goes far beyond naturalism. Proportions and features (pertaining to human subjects) must be accurate while giving a more natural sense. In other words, you can't have perfect proportion on one's face if you want one to look real.

Basically that's why I haven't drawn as much as I should these days. Due to the mini-life-drawing class in art, I've been observing actual body proportions. It's frustrating to know how something must appear but lack the skill to execute it.

And to fuel my need for a crush/boyfriend/lover/life-partner, all of my drawings recently have involved two men cuddling, kissing, and other cute signs and actions of affection. Conversely, I've been drawing and using blood more and more with my other drawings.

But I think that my focus is swaying from my ideal of sensuality. Which is a bad thing. Because now I have more ideas for my AP Portfolio:
- comparing sensual imagery from the past with ones in the future
- a study of the sensuality of curvature on the male body
- comparing the desires of a homosexual male to those of a heterosexual female
- eroticism observed through the hands, legs, or any other body part
- comparing actions of affection from public displays to bedroom adventures

And a whole lot more, but I fear that if I go into further detail I'll move further off into a tangent.

... which, if I do decide to do something outside the realm of erotica and sensuality, will render my research up to this point completely void.

This is starting to sound like my science fair project.

... and sis' suppose to be up to help me take self-portrait shots. Grr.

Well, the wallet looks like it will be irritrievable(sp), but I'm not too nonplussed. I only had several dollars that didn't even amount to $10, and I won't be able to get my license till September anyways...

It's scary how mellow I can be about situations at times.

And next year will prove interesting if two of my close friends do make it to LVA next year. 'Course, they still need to survive the auditions...

Anyways. Grandma leaves for her 3 month visit to the motherland (read: the Philippines) at 4am tomorrow morning. Which means 3 months of free reign in the kitchen! Whoo! ^_^

Several things I learned today which may prove interesting/ useful in the future:
- My wallet (driver's permit included) is in the hands of a Texas Station employee. I have to call him to scheduel a time to get it back.
- Matt has an near-uncontrollable libido.
- DJ has a tendency to sleep in.
- Despite her semi-conviction, Hoffy is a better teacher than the sub she left us with.
- Never mess with Joey when he's on a bitching streak (which was directed, again, at the sub)
- I can get a job singing and steering the gondolas at the Venetian. Sing italian opera to the applause of the crowd while going up and down the Canale Shoppes? Yes!

Ahem... yeah. I really don't feel like going to confirmation tonight. Especially with all the homework I have left to do. Blech.

And the guy who has my wallet (Justin) has apparently been calling all the phone numbers I had stashed in there, and flirting with all the girls. Well.

Okee, from now on my wallet stays on a chain.

So, rehearsal for the Passion Play didn't fare as badly as I thought it would. Basically got our scripts (I'm "nicoDERMus" as Sarah puts it) and did a read through. Unlike last year's group, Jesus was not gay, but a soon to be seminary student.

Afterwards, quick stop at Borders to grab copies of Much Ado About Nothing, the last Samaria trilogy book (The Alleluia Files), and another book to occupy my time.

Went to eat at Applebee's afterwards. In the restroom, the host-guy at the front brushed my shoulder and, from what I heard, purred. That was interesting.

Afterwards, back home now. I reenacted the first scene of Much Ado (using a combination of ideas from the movie as well as the production of the abridged version during middleschool) by myself using different, and highly inappropriate, voices for each character. It ended up more or less sounding like the characters of Moulin Rouge doing their own production of the play. Ms. Miller would shoot me if she heard me. ^_^ Sis seemed to like it enough.

Tomorrow we have a proficiency exam? I was not aware... o.0 (#994)

Hehe. It's still the morning after and I'm still riding on the adrenaline of last evening.

First off, waited for Matt and Karen to arrive so we could put the final touches on our outfits. Matt came first, but he had to change his undershirt since he decided to wear a black one with a white collar on top. Later, I had to help him put on his suspenders. Karen came a few moments later and we had a mini dilemma with our ties. She had a patterned navy blue one while mine was a plain black one... Problem solved. Sis got her navy blue tie and gave it to Karen. I had to tie it for her since she didn't know how to tie ties. Later, added fishnet gloves and safety pins to complete the outfit. So...

Matt and Cat: White collar shirt, tucked into denim pants/skirt, with black suspenders, red ties, and fake black glasses.
Karen and I: Blue t-shirt, tucked/pinned to black pants/skirt, with black ties, and an armlength fishnet glove on our right hands.

Piled into the van and off to the dance!

Got there a bit early so we hung out with DJ while he waited for Eric to show up. Surprise #1 of the night: Drew came. Eep.

The beginning of the dance was a bit boring... so much so that all four of us were hitting around a balloon with our foreheads. About half an hour into the event, we really started dancing. Karen was understandably a bit stiff (especially while trying to swing dance) so I had to loosen her up a bit. Even taught her how to freak dance. Tried teaching Mike (by Lauren's behest) how to freak as well, but he... erm, was disturbed that a) he's freaking with a guy and b) the guy was me.

Met up with Tyler and his date. Both were wearing Dickies shirts.... are we surprised? (audience: no!)

Surprise #2: Lex's outfit! Her date had one of those printed-on tux shirts a la a touring cast on broadway while she herself had a corset printed on. Whoo!

Surprise #3: Joe (my step-cousin) was there with Kaylin.

Surprise #4: Joe was watching me while I was freaking with Matt... 'course, we didn't freak for too long since I accidently elbowed his face and knocked out his contact. So, I went up and waited for him to get his contact in, but ended up waiting for a bit. Then I realized that they were doing the electric slide back on the dance floor so, a lil bit fumed, I went back down and joined them.

Managed to get a slow dance with Taylor, thusly fulfilling my promise to her.

Eventually the freak dancing reached a fevered pitch, resulting in a 5+ people orgy surrounding Eric. Hehe.

So, here's basically what everyone was wearing to the dance:
Lauren and Mike: Superman-t-shirts and black pants
Joe and Kaylin: No Fear shirts w/ black pants (again?)
Nick and Kristen: came as a 50's sock hop couple
John and Adrian: Blue top, white shirt, black pants
Sydney and Joey: black sleeveless, red "hot pants", Joey with a collar led by Syd

Only one disappointment though: I didn't get to slow dance with any guy at all. DJ wouldn't dance with any guy unless they were his date, Matt was busy dancing with several other people, Nick would've been willing to but I couldn't find him. I got to slow-dance with Karen a lot though, and she's very slow-dance-able.

... It seems that, after every dance, Matt ends up with a prospective boyfriend. This'll prove to be interesting come monday morning.

After the dance, went to Cafe Sienna and saw Francesca with her date(s) there. Ate, joked, dad picked up the bill before we could pay, had fun with the fortune cookies.

Dropped off Karen first. On the way: me choking Matt from behind using his seatbelt, Karen trying to steal his glasses, a discussion about queens.

Matt was next. On the way:
"Ugh... My stomach hurts."
"Aw, I'm sorry."
::pause::
"... What was that?"
"A kiss."
"Really? You know, my stomach's a bit lower than that."
"Oh?"
"Yep, right there."

It seems less innocent than it really was! Honest. Just... that's how my parents heard it from the front seats. In reality Matt just kissed his fingers and rubbed it onto my stomach. Didn't really help, but it was a nice gesture.

Got home and I was still very energetic. But... decided to sleep anyways because I didn't feel like dance to more Kylie Minogue.

Now, however, I have to go to church for 3.5 hours. Singing and rehearsal. Ugh!

So far, the activities of today:

Went to Christy's for her lil band practice. I brought along my PS2 to show here the orgasmic graphics as well as pursuade her parents to get one. Her mom always makes sure to complement me on my dramatic weight loss, and how she didn't have my stamina or resolve, etc. Flattering, but a bit embarassing.

Half of her band shows up first, and later sis, Christy, her friend, and I pile into a van to pick up the last two.

Everyone was soon practicing in Christy's room while us three non-band members stood/sat near the corner of the room. Lemme say that the guitarists, aside from being startlingly cute, were extremely talented. So was the drummer, but he wasn't very attractive per se. The lead singer was... soso, just not my preference.

First the two guitarists and Christy (the bassist) were discussing changes they made while creating more at the same time. The drummer would often recline himself onto the bed (which was directly behind the drumset) while the others practiced. The singer was having trouble projecting so a good half hour was spent just working on him and trying to turn up his mic's volume. I helped a bit by singing some of the song so that Christy could gauge how high he should sing it.

While not helping out with the singing and playing eye-flirt with the lead guitar, I was playing around with the 300 zoom lense that was in the room. God, I wish I had something as beautiful as that baby. Ahem... anyways.

Sis and I left before practice was over, and now I'm here just about ready to dress up for Sadies. Had just enough time to apply blue nail polish to match my outfit.

....

My god, how campy.

Thank you for the kind words Rica-san.

The only thing that could possibly keep me happy at this moment is to be cheered up.

But not by anything typical like kind, flattering words or showing me yummy pictures.

Often times only my more base desires are fulfilled.

Leaving the intellectual me starved and anorexic.

Currently in a state of complete apathy.

No, I am not happy.

No, there's nothing you would be able to do to make me feel better.

Yes, fatalistic mindsets are wonderful.

GreenGuy123: My friend Nykki's friend
Kyle is coming onto me
GreenGuy123: and won't leave me alone
GreenGuy123: and I don't know him
Star Seiya: at all?
GreenGuy123: nope
GreenGuy123: he's all "Give me a rim job"
GreenGuy123: and all this shit
Star Seiya: ... in that case don't talk to the fucker
GreenGuy123: i'm gonna black him
Star Seiya: what type of stuff was he saying?
GreenGuy123: just all this shit
GreenGuy123: he was all "You're so
fuckable"
GreenGuy123: "Come over to my house
and we can...you know..."
Star Seiya: kill the fucking bastard
Star Seiya: rip off his jaw
Star Seiya: slash his stomach with your nails
Star Seiya: and dive into his intestines
Star Seiya: ripping out the kidney
Star Seiya: the liver
Star Seiya: his bladder
Star Seiya: tear apart his lungs
Star Seiya: choke him with his own digestive
track
GreenGuy123: OK
Star Seiya: for his own piss down his throat
Star Seiya: *force
GreenGuy123: YES
GreenGuy123: MAKE HIM EAT HIS
FECES!!!
Star Seiya: rip off his testicles
Star Seiya: and make him eat them
GreenGuy123:
WHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
GreenGuy123: ~_^
Star Seiya: then break one of his legs
GreenGuy123: You so funny and cool,
Chuckles
Star Seiya: and beat him to death
GreenGuy123: YES!!!
GreenGuy123: THAT IS THE BEST!!!
Star Seiya: beat him to a fucking death
Star Seiya: till he's a mass of pulsating puss
Star Seiya: and flesh
GreenGuy123: lol
Star Seiya: and crushed bone
GreenGuy123: Chuck
GreenGuy123: you need to stop drinking
coffee so late at night
Star Seiya: so that the marrow of his skeletal
system bathes the sidewalk
Star Seiya: and burn his eyes with acid
Star Seiya: cut off his nose slowly
GreenGuy123: lol
Star Seiya: so that he can feel the exquisite pain
Star Seiya: severe his arteries and veins
Star Seiya: cut out his heart
Star Seiya: light a fire at the bast of his brain,
right on the Axis
Star Seiya: pike him through the ears
Star Seiya: sew putrid rope through his course
skin
GreenGuy123: heehee
Star Seiya: hack off his buttocks so the fucker
dies
Star Seiya: slowly
Star Seiya: painfully
Star Seiya: horridly
Star Seiya: so that when you leave him to rot
Star Seiya: the neighbors don't have the luxury of
waiting a week before noticing the stench
Star Seiya: that they can smell it from his now
released feces
Star Seiya: semen
Star Seiya: urine
Star Seiya: digestive enzymes
Star Seiya: and his disgusting
Star Seiya: FUCKING DISGUSTING
Star Seiya: saliva
Star Seiya: the bastard should be fried alive
Star Seiya: his limbs should be tied to horses
moving in opposite directions
Star Seiya: and his spleen removed in a public
place
Star Seiya: so that all can see his putrid
Star Seiya: entrails
GreenGuy123: he got offline
Star Seiya: and hang him in the desert
Star Seiya: to be fed off of by vultures
Star Seiya: so that his tongue bloats and rips
open
Star Seiya: when his body ripens
Star Seiya: and his bones play host to a breed of
worms
Star Seiya: as the blood once red
Star Seiya: cakes and dries
Star Seiya: and becomes the color of his very
onw SHIT
Star Seiya: THE FUCKER MUST DIE
Star Seiya: IN A HORRID MESS
Star Seiya: THAT WOULD KEEP HIM ALIVE NO
LESS THAN A DAY
Star Seiya: make him swallow anti-freeze
Star Seiya: so that he may take his leisure to die
within a week
Star Seiya: make him eat aresnic
Star Seiya: so that his heart explodes within his
ribcage
GreenGuy123: HEEHEEHEE
Star Seiya: give him cyanide
Star Seiya: give him death cups to eat
Star Seiya: fill him with nuclear waste
Star Seiya: so that generations from now no one
will get close to his corpse
Star Seiya: for even in death he offends
Star Seiya: WITH HIS FUCKING
UNWORTHYNESS TO LIVE
Star Seiya: THE SICK FUCK MUST DIE
Star Seiya: GOUGE OUT HIS EYES
Star Seiya: AND FEEL FOR HIS BRAIN
Star Seiya: DRILL INTO HIS SKULL
Star Seiya: AND SERVE HIM AS SAUSAGE TO
THE HAUGHTY
Star Seiya: FOR NO MAN WILL FORGIVE THE
MEMORY OF HIM
GreenGuy123: how much coffee did you
have?
Star Seiya: HE MUST BE DRAGGED ONTO THE
STREETS
Star Seiya: FOR NO LESS THAN A THOUSAND MILES
Star Seiya: SO THAT WHEN FINISHED HE IS NOTHING MORE
Star Seiya: THAN A BLOODSTAIN
Star Seiya: COVERED IN ANTS
Star Seiya: IN BEATLES
Star Seiya: IN COCKROACHES
Star Seiya: IN FLIES
Star Seiya: INFESTED WITH MAGGOTS
Star Seiya: EATEN BY HIS OWN PARASITES
Star Seiya: CONSUMED BY BACTERIA
Star Seiya: AND THE TRAIL OF BLOOD HE LEAVES BEHIND
Star Seiya: SHALL BECOME THE NEW HOLY LAND
GreenGuy123: ANYWAY
Star Seiya: THE PATH TO ENLIGHTMENT AWAY FROM HIS SMOULDERING CARCASS
Star Seiya: THE BITCH WHORE WILL BE MUTILATED
Star Seiya: AND HIS BODY DELIVERED TO HIS MOTHER'S DOORSTEP
Star Seiya: AND SHE, THE PUSS WHICH BRED THE FOUL DEMON
Star Seiya: WILL THINK NOTHING OF HIM
Star Seiya: AND CARRY HIM INTO THE HEART OF HER PLACENTA
Star Seiya: ....
Star Seiya: I'm done.
GreenGuy123: .......
GreenGuy123: thank you
GreenGuy123: it was very nice
GreenGuy123: You should publish it

.....

Eyes... tired. Must... sleep... But I can't. Hell, I have to strain my eyes even more so thanks to my upcoming piano lesson.

Things today were nice and funny till Algebra where my mood-damper was hit again. So I kept more or less quiet during art, and almost absolutely silent while waiting for dad to pick us up.

And did another thing that I'm none-too proud of.

So confidence is at a low.

.... how do they expect me to do well this week for my lessons?

... remind me to never ever EVER drink coffee late at night unless I have some major project to work on.

Especially if I act the way that I did in just the past hour.

Post# 985?! Oh holy fuck!

Applaud for me, I actually stayed after to attend the Pride Alliance meeting. But more on that later.

English: In the beginning of class I was panicing severely. I had forgotten to read Act I of Julius Caesar. Hell, I even forgot to bring the book. But the substitute teacher didn't do much 'bout that so I got off relatively scott-free.

World History: The sub gave us a 15 min. lecture which I felt was completely unnecessary, then saw an episode of Lonely Planet, drew in sketchbook, etc. Taylor had broken his finger so his writing hand was in a full cast save his index finger and thumb.

Chemistry: Got the rules for predicting chemical formula products, then another lab with even more corrosive solutions! Goody!

Lunch: Before heading off to it, Christen came by and basically said that I shouldn't give Zack a valentine gram because he already knows that someone's getting him one. And also that he's completely uninterested. Oh well, time to move on. At the table, Justin had a bag with candy bars in it, and he was urging everyone to take some. Apparently he's trying to cut back on food so he's depleting his entire stash. Didn't get any though. While talking with Jen however, I was looking over her shoulder at this rather cute guy. Even better, he was performing obscene gestures on a bottle of soda. Joy!

Art: Semi-finished my practice face. Finished my skin tone spheres. Started my four-skin exercise. Was going to take my self-portrait picture that day, but Treat only had enough time to take one more person's shots.

Afterschool, PA meeting. The secretary didn't show up so I volunteered to record the topics of the meeting... much like I did during APC. Discussed the next Pride Social, bathroom decorations, and talked about how being accepting of everyone doesn't necessarily mean liking everyone. To that I say amen.

Afterwards hung out in the art room till I had to leave for the buses. Witnessed Casey pulling down his pants and getting people to whip him with a riding crop. Helped Michael a bit on his b/w painting.

Ride home and walk home was uneventful.

Tomorrow I plan to memorize my poem for Language Fair, as well as begin memorizing my three other poems. Yargh.

And I need to fill sketchbooks more often. Like how I did last year.

Hmm... CCAC anyone?

Looks like I'll be studying architecture still.

Well, today was wrought with disappointments.

In japanese, same old schtick (Rica-san, you're not missing much) except that I forgot my poem for Language Fair so I couldn't get Toru or sensei to translate. And the spanish class nextdoor being noisy didn't help everybody's irritable moods.

Photo... I just helped Lauren develop two rolls of film. The photo-flo was empty so the negatives, when dry, had water spots all over them. UGH. At least the shots I took (including the one of gay boy Christian's hands down her pants) came out looking great.

Algebra... had to take another practice proficiency test. I expect a 100% this time 'round since, compared to the SAT's and ACT's, the test was a cakewalk. Denise was making fetus sculptures out of wire because she was so bored.

Lunch was actually quite interesting. I was set to get a valentine gram delivered to Zack, but Mr. Jackson said that I had to know his 7th period teacher. Luckily DJ enlisted to get that info for me. Mid-lunchtime, Mica and Nick were off to the library to watch videos, so I sat with DJ and chatted a bit. Just when I was about to go buy the card, Zack relocates to the table adjacent to the one selling the damned things. Talked with DJ a bit more to stall. We relocated to Claire's table and proceeded to discuss Mikey's ass, eyeshadow, cabaret, and ATeens/ ATC/ Kylie Minogue songs. Eric joined in for the singing medley. Finally I look over and Zack's away from the table so I decide that I had enough time to go over and buy the gram... until the bell rings several seconds after I've stood up. Shit. Looks like I shall have to get it during tomorrow's lunch.

Art was filled with more oil paint frustrations. And I didn't have a cd player because I ran out of the house too quickly so no music of my own taste to listen to. Shit.

Quick buffet lunch, went to the Lied Center for sis' youth orchestra (but instead I perused the gallery), Michael's for fake blue flowers and pipe cleaner for my Sadies bracelet, and then church for choir practice. Managed to get my voice to ring out, but didn't have enough time for Sarah to tell me whatever she had to say.

And I think that Matt's a bit calculating when it comes to crushes; he always has a spare one if one doesn't work out. Yeesh.

Now I need to read 100+ pages for homework. Yargh. Not to mention the several page questionaire, the world history worksheets, and my face exercise for art.

::prepares three cups of coffee::

It's gonna be a long night.

Sometimes I wish I could fly. Well, not the frantic flapping of wings like a butterfly or a hummingbird. Just, more like floating or falling of a cliff, then reversing directions. falling over and up. Like I was gliding.

That's how I feel at least; standing on this hill, I have a view of the edge of the world. The curtan of clouds pulled aside, I can see the grand stage of night. Obsidian lit from the light of so many stars. As long as I don't look down, the canopy surrounds me completely. As long as I can fool my logic, that I would be content. That I could peer past the darkness and into infinity. But I must look down, for there you are.

Seems like you've been standing there for quite some time, arms resting against the metal guard rail. Moonlight kindly lends her soft hues to shine upon us. Surrounded in and bathed by a cobalt glow. All the better to give this moment the quality of a dream. A celtic hero happening upon some sprite, just out of her view while he watches her bathe. Except that I am no water sprite. But the expression you wore spoke differently. Could I possibly enchant you just standing there and viewing the stars?

You are by far the more beautiful object.

Eyes almost glowing, you could blind me with those the precious stones set into your face. Like cold fire soothing the sking. he perfect slant of your eyes invite. Your hair soft, cascading down and onto your face with the subtlest curve. Chestnut and dark, the sheen suggesting the grain of a mahogany desk. Or swirls of mocha on a sweet pastry. Yes, I like the pastry better...

Need to severely reword that.

Why am I writing again? Because it has been far too long since I've written solely for my own pleasures. And I have so many scenarios racing through my mind that I feel I should write them down sometime. And with enough encouragement from others, I have begun to do so.

But Algebra homework has that specialy quality of sapping all my urge to write. So I cannot write much more at the moment.
. . .
Today was... a decent day. English was the same old schtick, the substitute in World History successfully lost all favor with our class, worked with corrosive chemicals in Chemistry, and painted incessantly in art. Also got information for my class ring (a packet of forms and such including a cd-rom ring-designer) which I'm looking forward to designing.

I avoided nearly all contact with him today. Until school ended that is. It's not my fault that he came over just to say hi.

And yes, I'm still sending him a Valentine.

The negativity of yesterday's musings has passed....
. . .
Can my feelings of slight jealousy be justified? Do I really have the right to be jealous that my two friends get along so well that they've begun to lessen their attention towards me?

And even then, why do I always strive to keep myself in the other people's minds?

Grrr... attention... grrr

... I guess the fact that, despite the formal demeanor of the discussion I was still intimidated to state my opinion, is what's making me tear my hair out. The feeling of knowing that I shouldn't take an insult, no matter how indirect, without some sort of comment... yet being utterly powerless to speak. Wishing I had just that much more courage to piss people off...

And all that brings back too many unwanted middle school memories.

Discussion during confirmation class left me severely non-plussed.

Father Mark (dubbed Father Kermit because of his Kermit-the-frog voice whenever he attempts to sing) came to talk about holy orders and the steps to becoming a deacon/ priest/ bishop. Robert, with his magnificent ability to detract the conversation, brought up a question: "Can homosexuals be catholic?"

At this point one would reason that the epitaph "all gays are going to hell" would've been called out, but the points remained valid, and the demeanor of the group very composed. Very unusual atmosphere; I found myself staring at my desktop during the entire thing.

Topics jumped back and forward from whether a priest could be a homosexual to whether a homosexual is even allowed inside the church. Basically, here was the explaination the church offers on their position about the whole issue: A parishioner can be a homosexual as long as they do not commit homosexual acts. Like people with schizophrenia, homosexuals are mentally disturbed and are not held responsible for their thoughts. However, they are still held accountable for their actions before the face of God.

I was deeply shocked, appalled, insulted, and disturbed. Not only because of what was said, but how matter-of-factly and almost nonchalantly he explained things.

It's time to get a reality check. Highschool is fine since everyone's more or less understanding. But enter the real world... and you'll suffer. A lot.

... fuck...

This is not helping my WONDERFUL start of the week.

I think I'll just commit a 'homosexual act' and listen to my Ateens/ATC songs.

... Not really, but shoot me if I ever do.

Ahem.... Kogepan.

The story of a burnt bread roll that, after its dreams of being delicious are ruined, is emotionless, smokes, runs away from home, and drinks milk/beer with his other burnt-bread friends.

Possibly the most sickingly cute things I've ever seen.

Grrr... something's wrong with AIM. It won't let me sign on for more than 15 seconds.

That just ticks me off a bit.

Mmmm... Praise be to Jovah.

I can't get over the Archangel series that Sharon Shinn has written. Normally fantasy and/or sci-fi novels are filled with common cliches: the elementals, medieval mythos and monster lore, magic, etc. Very few writers have the ability to create a world devoid of all these references, and Shinn is really no exception to the rule... except that she takes something which a major portion of the world is familiar with (the bible) and uses it to create her own world. In this case, her world of Samaria.

Her characters' names are, for the most part, derived from biblical text. And she manages to use these names as inferences to the character's nature. Delilah, the former Archangel and leader of all Samaria, now sings bawdy ballads for her living, and succeeds in seducing everyone she meets with her charm. Gabriel, the newly appointed Archangel in her first book, is as stern as the same angel within the bible, complete with the power to yeild god's wrath.

Her use of biblical parallels also brings about many issues; the existance of a god being the main one. And for that matter, the proper way to worship the god. For within Samaria are those who believe the teachings of the Librera (their holy text) then there're those sprung from the first malcontents called the Edori (whose origins resemble those of the Lilan) who do not believe that only angels have the power to speak to the god.

(I'm beginning to think that the same similarities between the two estranged groups in Shinn's books had some influence on the story writers of FFX.)

Which brings another, and very unique, subject that Shinn incorporates within her books: the power of song. Samaria is a land of music where communication with the divine is sung, and no one is without some vocal skill. Angels particularily have a talent for asking the god to control the weather through their songs.

... and I've once again lost all track of where I was going with this. But still, I applaud and thank Sharon Shinn deeply for writing such an engrossing story.

(which would explain why I'm listening to Italian Renaissance vocal pieces at the moment o.0)

Four-plus hours at church today. If I was more of a football-phile I would've been upset, seeing how it's Superbowl Sunday and all.. but I'm not.

The group performing for the mandatory Lental reflection was Radix, composing of a pianist, a person with extreme vocal talents (a la Jim Carrey), and plenty of friendly banter. They were quite effective in bringing their message across... although at the end their message against the entertainment machine was rebuttled with their own use of entertainment to keep us interested. Ran into Karen there, and Sarah got me some Pixy Stix for a bday present.

I was having bouts with my beliefs and such until I stepped into the church for mass... and soon became disillusioned in the validity of the Catholic faith.

Sometimes I wished I had faith again. Ignorance is bliss and all...

Then I wake up.

Whew! I'm exhausted.

First, family went away and I was off to the mall to shop for Sadies crap. Matt called right before I was off to give his congrats.

At the mall, found all of the necessary items within the first... ten minutes of shopping. Ten down, 110 more to go. Went to Hot Topic and browsed (saw a shirt with Gir saying "I'm naked!"... but it was girl's cut only), followed by Anchor Blue where I witnessed an abundance of asians in the store, a cute emo guy up on front, and half the store covered in that black plastic construction sheets. The girl's side no less, so sis didn't do much browsing there. Afterwards, Waldens where no interesting books surfaced, Spencers which proved equally fruitless (although they were having an aerobics show/demonstration on the first floor), and then a brief stop over at Dillards. From there I departed my sis and mom to go to B. Dalton. Saw the new Christopher Rice book, but lacked the money to buy it. With the time winding down, I headed to our meeting/pick up point to see my dad there already. The girls were running late, so I just tried on some of the sports coats and rain coats in the area. One made me look like a french officer... and I would so have gotten it if it wasn't $150. The other half arrived about twenty minutes late, and then we were off.

Total purchases: Jovah's Angel, two pants from Anchor Blue, my blue t-shirt for Sadies, a new belt, three long-sleeved shirts.

Picked up Christine and then off to the Silver Nugget for a bowling party and bday party for Adrienne. They blindfolded her and brought her to the bowling alley where the ten of us surprised her thoroughly. People I knew who were there: Adrienne, Crystal, John, Jamie, Christine, Emmelle, me, sis, Missi. The last one being the reason for why Jyl wanted to come, but she couldn't due to... whatever reasons. So, bowling = gutter. By the third game I gave up my bowling shoes to someone else and went to play some DDR. Unfortunately, the arcade was hot, sticky, and very very disgusting. Not to mention that everyone who came in seemed only interested in playing DDR. Oh well. Came back and Adrienne started opening presents after she cut the cake. Then everyone said their goodbyes, and my family + Emmelle, Crystal, and Christine went to go catch a movie before going home.

Mothman Prophecies. Couldn't really enjoy the movie because the scenes were very redundant, and the psychotic flash-shots were used too often to be effective when they were meant to be. Not to mention that we all were whispering Chapstick at any given moment. Before the movie started, sis, Christine, and I literally jumped, skipped, and twirled into the empty theater. I dropped my glasses at one point, so I had to hold onto them while twirling.

Movie done, drove everyone home. First, Christine. Simple enough, and especially entertaining when she was discussing the late hour with her grandma in Korean. Finding Emmelle's house led us into the largest senior development in Vegas. Row after row of cookie-cutter houses, plus the atmosphere after seeing the movie, gave the entire drive a Twilight Zone quality... especially after driving down a row of houses for 5 miles. Oh lord! I didn't know suburbs could be so effing huge!

And now I'm back, sleepy, and happy.

Hmm... interesting site at my house at this moment.

Several relatives dropped by un-announced to wish me a happy b-day. While I was washing dishes no less.

Ate Tess is off discussing the latest medical situation (a large group of mid-wives are on strike) with my dad. The two grandmas are cooking even more food. The two small cousins are on the couch watching Kiki's Delivery Service. Mom and sis have retreated to upstairs.

This is very very interesting.

Yahoo! Daily horoscope says:
"Take a break from the chaos that is likely to be swirling around you today, dear Aquarius. Your inherent good nature makes you want to pitch in and lend a hand wherever it is needed. But a dozen hands would not free those around you from the holes they have dug for themselves. Your best tactic today would be to remain "hands off" from the situation. Spend time working on your own projects instead. This is not called "selfishness," rather it is called "productivity."

Yahoo! Daily Men's Horoscope says:
"Today you could receive an interesting communication from someone, dear Aquarius. You might receive an email from an old friend. If you've lost contact with this person, it could be pleasant exchanging words with them again. Or you could receive a love letter from someone you used to date. An ex might even call you up on the phone. You'll have to decide what you feel about this person now. Just remain honest with yourself - and with them!"

Yahoo! Birthday Astrology says:

Today's planetary energies:
Today marks a very significant day, because the Sun is back in Aquarius at exactly the place were it was when you were born. Make sure you spend this day well, since it sets the tone for the year ahead! Somehow, you may smell change in the air today! Subconsciously you know deep down inside that something is going to happen, which may change your life forever. Instead of being hesitant and fearful, embrace whatever may come, and have good intentions to start this new cycle with intensity, optimism, and determination. This change may be delivered in form of a present or some news from a friend or family member! Don't' resist it - just accept it as part of your future.

What to expect during the next 12 months:
The past few years, you have put a lot of effort and patience into building your career, and now it's finally time for reaping the rewards, because you have good chances to advance professionally! Over the next 12 months you will see a gradual but significant progress, and it is advisable to stay with both feet on the ground. On the love and romance front, you can expect to gain more stability, which means that the wild times may finally be over. All those changes in your life will transform you to a person that is a lot more confident and self-aware, and has a better idea of how you want your future to be.

Your lucky charms:
Strawflowers, turquoise, hummingbird, the color azure, the tarot card "Page of Pentacles," the rune "Mannaz," and for the upcoming year the number 8.


1996 - The actor and dancer, Gene Kelly, dies at the age of 83
1971 - The military ruler, Idi Amin, becomes the dictator of Uganda
1922 - James Joyce, Irish novelist, publishes his novel "Ulysses"
1536 - The Argentinean city of Buenos Aires is founded by the Spanish conquistador Pedro de Mendoza

Famous Birthdays on February 2:
1882 - James Joyce
1905 - Ayn Rand
1947 - Farrah Fawcett
1954 - Christie Brinkley

Again, Happy Birthday and a successful upcoming year! "

New layout, new year, new candle added to my cake.

Yes, I'm 16.

Without a license.

Without someone to bitch to at the moment.

Without a boyfriend. But many guy friends.

Yes, I should just get up and go live life.

But rejection sucks.

... I'm overreacting.

But after seeing how Matt and Sarah were cuddling up during another group movie night....

The good old jealousy receptors kicked in.

And I would've vomited if I didn't leave the room for an hour's break at the piano while everyone watched Dark Angel.

Well, except for Karen. She was with me.

And... grrrr

I'll write something more uplifting.

But it hurts even more when your own father dismisses you with a brush off to go check his email.

...

I need sleep. It's been a long roller coaster week.

hmm...I was happy today. I was, really.

English was spent with Ms. M attempting to crack down harder on our class. Unfortunately for her, half of us have already had her. In other words we know that she won't keep too well to her threats. Which means that it was annoying to hear her bitching a bit... And Wendy still can't forgive Will for what he did. Personally, I hate it when people carry over grudges for no apparent reason. Especially if the other party is willing to apologize profusely.

World History was... hell. The substitute teacher for the next two weeks (while Ms. H is off in Quebec) is a freakish, midol-craving former italian-opera singer whose tongue is as fast as a Jaguar and sharper than broken glass. Naturally, when she got into Joey's face, he turned bitchy queen behind her back. My lord!

Chemistry was fun. Activity period spent watching people play DDR (someone brought in one of those PSOne's with a screen attachment, and a playing pad), working on a sketch, and playing Taylor's Greed-esque trivia game (I got out on the first round! ;_;).

During lunch I was resolved to getting Zack's number. I did... after 15 minutes conversation with everyone at his table...

And he hinted that, although he said that I was a "cool" person, there's someone else he's interested in. And that trying to form a relationship between us wouldn't work.

I'm crushed.

... and it hasn't hit home till now.

.... shit...

You know... today's a good day. This week's been getting better.

I think dad's finally trusting my driving abilities. Yesterday I drove to church for choir practice. Today I drove to piano practice. And I managed to do so at night. Ahem... I got to drive the Civic! Finally! I'm happy.

Still a bit giddy. Spring fever struck early this year.