Yes, it's true, a few rounds of HOT or NOT does help stop blood flowing out of the brain... by redirecting it somewhere else.*coughcough* ... dammit, ne'er mind, it's bleeding again.

Currently listening to the newly acquired Sarah Brightman cd La Luna, specifically the Figlio Perduto. Damn, I don't know why, but I just love her music, despite the fact that I know only half the time what she's singing (mainly the english, latin, french songs)... Just found the "hidden" track at the end of the cd... perfect lullaby music... like half the record... anyways.

I have yet to take a measurable amount of time to work on my homeworks for various subjects... well, thanks to Paul I've got half of Health homework done... Just need to work on those dual worksheets for biology... along with coloring the lil animal thingies for the up-and-coming book... at least my painting is doing fairly well.

Speaking of which, we had notes about Art History in Mesopotamia. That culture is really rather intriguing... To think that all culture stemmed from th crescent valley craddled by the Tigre and E(something) rivers. I now have new ideas concerning the origins of things... which I'll probably put into the RPG I work on sparingly.

I think I wore out the tape for the new version of JCSS just to see all the parts with him in it... but I can't help it! He's too damned cute!

Today in biology I teased Mike who, now without the metal thing called "braces" in his mouth, is more kissable for his "friend" Drew.

Mike:"I swear he's not completely gay."
Me:"Right, more like 90% to 10%, but what's the difference?"
Mike:"How would you know about that?"
Me:"Hey, I'm the one with gaydar here, okay? Trust me, I know."

Next class, we get to dissect earthworms. Oh the fun to be had then.

Looking forward to ceramics tomorrow... and we start reading "A Midnight Summer's Dream" in English (*cough*Seri*cough*)... although I'm disappointed that my favorite Shakespeare play, "The 12th Night", isn't anywhere in the curriculum. Damn!

dizzy from bleeding... don't know why, or exactly where I'm bleeding from right now, but I know it's somewhere on my head... ugh.

Recently in health, we were talking about the AIDS virus... rather boring since I've been learning about AIDS since before kindergarten. But, It's gotten me to think a little bit about things. How would I react if I found out I contracted it? It's the quiet part of today's gay youth culture; no one discusses the virus for fear of ruining the sense of invincibility everyone seems to have. Hell, even I do it. Recently I borrowed a book from the library (Men on Men 2000) which is a compilation of several short gay stories. Naturally I read all the stories which I feel I can relate to (teenage love, boyfriend frustrations, etc.) and I hardly even touch the ones I know nothing about, especially all the stories about AIDS. Now, however, I want to pick up that book again to read those stories I neglected the first time around.

To transition this subject to the glass etchings I've done, I remember going to my first art gallery where I actually took the time to look at the pieces. This particular artist, whose name eludes me for the moment, did several "smog paintings" on plaster and glass plates of famous celebrities who've contracted AIDS or died of lung cancer. In the center is a sort of interactive piece where one walks in, and you can see through the small hole at the very end the amount of dead bodies compiled each year due to those two killers. Juxtaposed around this along the walls are photos taken of the LA atmosphere, and it's disconcerting how you can really see the level of smog increase as the year rolls on. When exiting the gallery, they hand you pamplets with information about those two particular diseases complete with additional artwork from the artist. She was quite talented.

Sadly, when I came back to that place about two months later, it had been changed into a Claire's.

Oh yeah, during the testing, I saw a handful of cute guys, but one really struck out at me.

The boy was gorgeous. His hair was of medium short length, styled in the "wet" fashion, and was the most seductive shade of deep hazel I had seen. The color of his iris... a lavender which drew me in so compleley. His lanky build was covered in a plain white shirt with a pair of denim jeans... god, I love eye f^cking guys ^_^

Just to keep occupied, I've been thinking up choreography for several different songs (jpop and silverchair mainly). Now if only I had the body and rhythm to actually do them right.

The test was... a killer. Half of the problems I had no idea what to do, the other half I know I messed up in my calculations (none of the multi-answers matched what I got... sometimes not even close). At least the test was purely competitional; GPA still intact. But now, I feel insignificant compared to the people who actually won something... The guy who won the test I had to do (geometry) won last year for the same test too... um, is that allowed?

I finally got around to start etching on the glass pane I bought... but I cut my hand with the little metal pick I'm using! ;_; Atleast it isn't deep or anything.

Just recently I had to suffer about an hour's conversation with the evil Barto... he still can't tell by the disgust in my voice that I don't feel like being his friend. Talking with that bastard always gets me on edge, making me act like how I used to back when I lived in that retirement state (read: cranky, irritable, and always name-calling and bashing). I guess the only reason I ever keep in touch with him (when he calls anyway) is to have some link to AZ. Bill has more or less severed all ties to the evil people at my middleschool, and I hardly ever see Jenilyn on nowadays. I plan to seriously piss him off by inviting him to go out with me, Bill, and her boyfriend when I next go back to AZ for a visit, and then coming out to him. It'll be even better since he's one of the biggest homophobes I know. Fun!

Dammit, I hate being in this mood.

Hmm... Unlike Seri-chan, I haven't been out quote hunting in the longest while... must start up again.

Well, blame Paul for getting me back into this mood. Dad brought home a bottle of Merlot, and everyone had a lil bit to drink... well, I emptied about a quarter of the bottle, but that's beside the point... or not... whatever.

Personally, the only alcohol I can stand drinking are wines, champagnes, and other sweetly flavored concotions (hell, I can make sparkling cider by fermenting Sprite for a few years!). I don't see why people insist on drinking beer; it tastes like piss (-1), you need to drink a lot to get completely sloshed (-2), and drunk people at concerts tend to throw it on me (... -/+1, depends on the person ^_~). The only good thing beer has going for it is the fact that it's near dirty cheap... but hey, you get what you pay for I guess.

The test is officially 5 hours away now, and I have yet to study any bit for it... damn!

Wahh! No far Tim! I wanna shop at the Forum as well!.... okay, maybe when I have more money, and the price of everything being knocked down drastically. Thing is, Forum has the only Virgin Megastore in all of Vegas there... the place where I get most of my imported songs... well, there and the rip-offs in Chinatown.

Well, before I go off to study my geometry book for the test, I'll finish reading my blogs. G'bye... erm, night... dammit, early early morning. Whatever

how do you do it?
make me feel like I do
how do you do it?
it's better than I ever knew
- "stellar": Incubus

Dammit, I wish I could find a guy who can make me feel this way. Alas, I am apparently not "boyfriend" material; sure, I'm cute... the same way Hello Kitty is cute too. Not Logan cute or him cute but cute like a teddy bear. It's starting to bug me again... tch, and here I thought I was gonna be able to spend the rest of the school year not boyhunting.

I think I'm beginning to see the world in that slightly out of tune perspective I've been wanted to obtain for forever... I'm seeing the world in color. Ever since we began painting with colored oil paint in art, I've been analyzing the world around me, dissecting the different shades of color behind a hue. For instance, as I see it, the moust I have would be a grey-black underpainting with Payn's Grey around the edges blended into a mix of Yellow Ochre, White, and the tiniest smidgine of payn's grey.... or should it be cobalt blue?

Let P read something from my current book, and she was stunned. 'Course, she was more understanding since she is an avid Anne Rice reader... but when I showed it to J too, she got really freaked. Ah, the power of literature.

So I didn't end up going to piano lessons afterall. Sis was being a lazy-ass so she called both of us in sick... lazy! And I was looking forward to this week's lesson too... not. Well, it'd be better than last lesson's lecture fest.

... I've neglected my wooden etching for forever, ever since spring break ended.. I don't think I'll work on it much though, too dark already and I wanna try etching in glass now. yay.

completely drained of energy at this poitn.... good bye.......erm, night

Lately I've been sleeping in from the time I get home till dinner each day (2pm- 8pm). Due to that, I haven't been able to talk to any of my online friends... but not anymore!

The only reason why my sleeping patterns went off the highdive for a little while was due to the mass of major projects all due this week... but now... no more projects! Whoo hoo!!! I can finally sleep in all I want... except that I have piano in roughly an hour and I have a test to take early in the morning (read: 8am) on a saturday tomorrow... ugh

Currently watching Back to the Future 3... now why can't they make movies like this anymore? Sci Fi flicks now a days all have to have a War-and-Peace-esque approach to the subject of the human condition... and only when it's properlly done (ex. The Matrix, The Cell, Contact, Sphere, etc.) as opposed to the other not-so-high-calbre performances ( Red Planet, Battlefield Earth, etc.) is the lessone better understood. I dunno, guess it's all due to the writer's strike. Damn corporate Hollywood.

Isn't it strange that people put highly corrosive materials inside you mouth... but have you ever tried Listerine? Ouch!... and you can't even rinse after gurgling that noxious brew for half a minute. Dear god!

Anyways, I'm taking a quick break from my video-editing night to watch American High and blog. The video is turning out real well, and I'm sure we're up for the grande prize (a free day where everything we do is a 100%, even tests). Thing is, now I also have to work on the boring, nitty gritty part of the whole project, the info sheet with all the schematics. Mein gott this is annoying! And to top it off, I still have to do the regular homework for the subject... along with the stuff for the English project... ugh!

And to top it off, I have yet another solo to sing for in church on Sunday... stupid stress levels!

Paul-san wrote a rather personal entry yesterday, and all I can say is... damn.

In a sense, I can relate... but not in the complete helplessness conveyed in his writing. Sure, throughout elementary school I was friends with a kid named Nick, but we were very far from being close. I guess in kindergarten I was a bit of an oddity since I often mixed some tagalog words into my speech (purely accidental). I made a lot of friends come first grade... but then everyone started to grow away from me, since they started their careers in athletics and such. Then I was even more isolated when I began getting into anime heavily...

Entering middle school, I was in an uneasy friendship with Nick, and had finally come to terms with my sexuality. By masking my true self, I was able to fit into a group of guys obsessed over videogames, starwars, anime, and satire... in essence, we were nerds minus the pocket protectors and glasses. Thing is, the leader of the pack was (and still is) an extreme homophobe and we joked constantly about fags, queers, flamers, fairies, etc. Everyone did back then. But, around that time I began to forge friendships of stronger foundations. The only two which have survived since that time are my friendships with Bill and Jenilyn, the two girls whom I could sympathize with the most. Jen was always the caring and understanding one, and Bill was the most fun to be around (constant satire). But, then I moved midway through 8th grade.

When I finally moved over to Vegas, I was stuck out in the air... everyone had already formed their friendships, so I had to find any niche to fit in... and it wasn't easy. I hated myself the most during that half of a year...

But then, I made it to highschool... an art highschool. A place where the outcasts and those slightly out of tune with the harmony of the world found harmony and unity. Hell, Jyl and I were talking about that very subject while working on our crap-ass project poster for english. LVA does seem to have a better sense of harmony and understanding... a quasi-bohemia if you will. And all the stupid jocks in the school hide for fear of ridicule... and there really is no popular group here... just the elitists of each major.

My way of life is in danger, though. The school district is in sever need of funding, and are planning to cut all the art programs from the regular highschools... yes, sports get to stay. Thing is, even the magnet schools are being targeted for elimination... They even have the gall to challenge the need for an Arts highschool.... Like bloody fucking hell they need us! Because we have yet to establish our town as cultured, we need all the fine arts training we can get. Otherwise, we are the bunch of redneck hicks which Fred Durst (Limp Bizkit lead) has so graciously dubbed us. If they do decide to take away the magnet schools, it'll come to realization during the summer before the 2005-6 school year; my graduation year. Help us, VH1!

I'm seriously fearing for us right now. There's no way I'd be able to survive going to the jock-school I'd be going to if I weren't attending my current highschool... Dammit!

Heh, now I must go to confirmation class (read: sunday school) on that note. Adieu.

Damn, it seems that Seri-chan has been in a major slump lately... and one can't blame her. Sure, Ms. Miller is fun as hell as a teacher... but since this is her first year as an actual teacher (student teaching last year at this school) I don't think she has a grasp on the workload us kids have accumulated in all our classes. Take me, for instance. Lately, I've been coming home, plopping on the couch, and going straight to sleep till 5-6pm for dinner... school exhausts me so much! I'm already dreading college next year... eck, evil.

... Dammit! I just realized I have yet to make a physical copy of my product for the geometry homework. Doesn't really help that my grandma threw away all the bottles I was gonna use...stupid old cow, I told her to keep em since I collect Jones sodabottles. She even did the same thing when I got Kittie to sign a PizzaHut pizza box... and the HardRock waterbottle signed by all members of Taproot. I think that the only person in the whole household who does like my mom is my dad. She's always going into my stuff (no privacy, I swear!) and re-arranges everything so I can't find stuff I've put in my room... not to mention thrown out some homework due the next day... And she's lecturing mi hermana y yo about our grades when she herself is the only person in the household who was never an A student (barely passing with C's and D's in highschool)... (she doesn't even know what cutting off circulation to your leg means and she was a friggin nurse for howmany years?!). Even my mom calls her "the dead weight" whenever we go out to eat or shop (kaimono) or enter the public area in general.

.. Damn, forgot it was TV Turnoff week... oh well, I don't depend on TV as most do anyway.

... still need to work on my english and geometry projects but... I don't wanna! ;_;

Dammit, just found out that blogger never published the post I made last night/early this morning.

Too much homework to work on (product advertisments for geometry, script for japanese, more science fair notes for biology, and that stupid board thingy for English) so I'll keep this short.

Today we had a "career" day where guest speakers come and talk about their professions. I was able to go to the graphic artist speaker and the architect... What really sucks is that my chances of making it big in the art/advertisment world are looking slimmer and slimmer. Damn.

So, here's the two hour's traffic of the time.

It's 12:30am at the time I opened the blogthis window. I'm sitting at the computer with the downstairs lights all on, working dutifully on my science fair notes which are due... today now, it seems. The channel's on MTV and some weird PBS-esque docu-music video is playing; Alanis Morisette singing songs old and new out in the gorgeous Arizona rock deserts. My TV dinner (a rather decent linguine in alfredo... just missing the clams) is resting on the piano bench I've positioned strategically so when I eat I can watch the TV as well. The lemonade I've poured myself is sour more so than sweet, scraping my throat as it makes it's way down... leaving a metallic memory.

Erm, yeah.

Goddamn corporate America. All the writers are striking... or have been striking I should say. Not only will the actors begin to strike as well, but the level of entertainment will be knocked down significantly. All the reality TV shows, which requires little scripting and a knack for editing, are testiment to what will soon be on every single station on the tube. And all this because the Hollywood minds don't want to give away money! Honestly...

Just recently bought the extensive piano sheets for Alanis' "Uninvited" song. Completely gorgeous.

Dammit, time to get back to writing those notes.

Woohoo!!! The lost city of Atlantis is finally mine! I have discovered El Dorado! Nirvana is within my grasp!

... But seriously, I got a PS2! ^_^ Along with this new system is the game The Bouncer with cutey Sion... Oh my friggin GOD I got a PS2! This new revelation, however, won't help me in my current situation.

So, I got a PS2 to waste my time. Downside? I have English homework to work on... eh, I think I'll have to tuck Mr. Shiny in the closet for now... sniff... stupid Renaissance research!!! I still have 15 more cards of notes to write out and I've already exhausted all my resources. Goddammit!

....Aaaaahhh!!!!! Two grandmas are big-time fight fans... Only in a Disney movie...

Ahh... so much to type, and so... well, okay so I have the rest of the night to write all I want.

First off, today was the extreme change of pace which I so desperately needed today. The drug reps (selling allergy meds this time) were sponsoring a free brunch/lunch at the local Gameworks, a mega-arcade with games which are over-priced, but very hard to find elsewhere. So, they gave us free cards with about 2 hours of unlimited play in it (and trust me, it's easy to spend $20 worth of games in that 2 hour time span; that's the cost of the 2 hour card). I took full advantage of my card and headed to my newly-loved-videogame: DanceDance Revolution. I actually didn't do too bad this time around, passing all 5 stages you're allowed to dance. However, over there I also found another game of the rhythm genre which I feel is better than DDR; Guitar Freaks. Not only do you get to wear this nifty, Fender-looking guitar which you have to strum in the right sequence, but you have to have a lot of rhythm and finger coordination to survive in this game. Although it's by no where hard as playing the actualy guitar, it still gives you that rockstar rush when you're playing it surrounded by 10 people. And yes, I completely rocked that game. XD

Skip about 8 hours to the beginning of 11:00pm, I was watching a particular skit on MADTV about this plumber who comes out to his client and then makes quite a fuss over it. I found it doubly hilarious; the pure level of satire and sarcasm was completely on beat. Second, I whole-heartedly agree with the severity at which the plumber feared everyone's reaction to his "dark secret." Really, it seems eternally difficult to come out at the time of the action, but when you look back on it... well, there's no need for all the extra melodrama most people drill into their heads about this subject. So what if you're gay? There're thousands of others like you who you can relate to.... Erm, I don't know if that came out the way it was suppose to, but oh well...

Currently working on the new layout for the site. So far... looking good, but I'm a bit worried about how the blogger codes will work on this new one. Eh, oh well.

Thinking about getting into glass/mirror etchings. They sound like a lot of fun, but probably requires a vast amount of technique. Double damn.

Well, the final day of filming has turned into the next-to-final day of filming.

My card painting is turning out rather well, and I'm loving it lots!

Tomorrow, the drug reps who sell medication to my dad's clinic are paying for a $20 card to use in Gameworks, and yes I am going! I plan to kick complete ass on DanceDance Revolution and Veritical Reality. Go electronica!!!

Currently waiting for the PSP7 demo to finish uploading so I can work on my RPG graphics. Ugh! stupid hour-long wait...

Piano lessons went great! I've finished the first page of the MapleLeaf Rag up to tempo and everything! Now all I have to do is memorize the second page, then third, than finally last. Yes!

It's kind of a let down that nothing exciting along the lines of a shooting happened. Then again, I was never really scared for my life, since the police HQ is three blocks from school with a substation right under Fraiser Hall. If anyone tried anything, they'd only be able to knock off one person, possibly two if they're lucky. It was interesting to see all the different types of policemen patroling the campus today. There were the usual ones on bikes, then one in a glofcart-esque vehicle, several in the usual police cars/vans, and most interestingly, police on horseback. It was like a friggin parade!

Okay, not much else to say, I guess.

Well, I have yet to finish my Geometry homework, so I must say adieu for tonight. Good night, sweet stars and shimmering moon. Goodnight.

Tomorrow was Hitler's birthday, and right now I'm watching Schindler's List on PBS.

Today, I stayed after school to help film the art-video we will be showing for the opening show (which is from 6-9pm May 4th at the Art Factory for all you Vegans out there). We're doing a rather psychotic Alice-in-Mechania video where one of the artists who has her artwork up (and is also the artist of the invitation postcards we are sending out) goes around a rather surreal landscape and, in the end, becomes a machine like everything else around her. I'm not completely sure how it'll look in the end, but the directing-editing duo who's doing the bulk of the project have a rather impressive portfolio.

While shooting outside, I didn't have anything to do so my sis and I just sat around while I worked on my layout for the commercial I have to shoot for the Geometry project. Then, this rather cute guy comes up and starts talking to us. He asked us a little bit later if we thought he was crazy. I said that even if he went spasming I wouldn't think he was crazy. So, he had a (fake) spasm and ended up falling off the table and onto my lap. After he regained his composition and sat down next to me on the table bench, I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and whispered rather closely into his ear "so what's your name, sweetheart." At that point he's shocked as hell and runs off. I love disturbing people! XD

The new title-pic-to-be is more or less a line drawing which closely resembles him. I'm debating whether to call the new layout "In the Spotlight" or that line from Lady Marmalade... hmm, decisions decisions.

this is the place where I sit,
this is the part where I love you too much...
-from the Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack

Tomorrow I was invited to attend (another) breakfast/brunch due to my perfect attendence during the first semester of the school year. Unlike what I originally thought, the food at this event is rather good; the eggs are nice and fluffy and have strands of cheese mixed in, the bacon is nice and crisp, the muffins/crusceants are warm, and the bagettes are the perfect blend of sweetness and bitterness. Yum! The only quam I have is that the orange juice is far too bitter! Ech.

I was suppose to meet Jill online at 6pm today but I didn't get home till 6:30, and even then my grandma was on the phoneline for a long long time!

By the way, Lauren if you're reading this, yes, you were right. But, shhh! Our secret.

Whew! Now that seeing that video is over (must download from somewhere) time to continue posting.

First off, Kyle's Bed and Breakfast has a new episode posted. Yay!

Scary... Track 2 on the Josie soundtrack matches a lot with the newest 'Spears video.

Art was rather interesting today. We had an artist come and talk to us; Jerry M-something (JM). The majority of works he had and talked about were rather interesting. Minus the fact that he's straight, we have a relatively similar background: family of devote Catholics, breaks away from religion, father kinda wacko. Another difference is that his dad worked in the dealer's pit in a casino, so he had spent a lot of time between church and casino.

To explain a little bit, you won't believe how some people stereotype us Vegans here! While I was dropping off stuff in the art room earlier this morning, the people in the room discussed the relatively close-mindedness of the world outside our valley. E told her story about, during spring break, she told some people that she was from Vegas, and they replied with "You can actually live there? Isn't it not a real city?" Along those same notes, J shared his encounter with a store assistant over in Michigan who, after learning about where he came from, asked if his dad worked in the casino or if his mom was a showgirl. Even my friend Cat who, when she moved to Rhode Island, laughed at all the Elvises and hookers the senior class set up for their spirit decorations (theme being, obviously, Las Vegas).

But anyways, JM showed some of this earlier pieces, and they were quite intriguing. A point he made a lot was the symbiosis the churches and the casinos have. Afterall, in Vegas there are more churches per capa than there are anywhere else in the nation. So, he painted a lot of the triple 7's one would get on a slot machine which would pay out big money, and often painted them engulfed in Pentecostal flames. Others used religious symbols as those one would find on the reel of a slot machine. Really thought provoking.

I have a feeling that the 75% I got on the biology homework is a foreshadow of the rest of the school year. Damn.

Sheesh... Underwear fetishists are sometimes a scary bunch... I pity him since he got a rather disturbing, stalker-esque email with an offer for any of his used boxers... kakoi!. x.x

My sis and grandma had a "conversation" (read: as civil an argument can be) about the intelligence of pets like dogs and gorillas. The old woman said something to the extent that we can't understand them and they can't understand us, therefore they're stupid. My sis made the point that name recognition takes a lot of intelligence to process, not to mention tricks... and Koko with her sign-language. After this, my grandma said "yes yes..." "What did I talk about then?" asked my sis. "Oh, you know. Supposing that I call a dog's name. Something about that." "And what about Koko?" "... Koko?" "See, you weren't listening!" Die granny, die!

Currently listening to the soundtrack for Josie (again). It's a shame that the movie was a relative box office blargh... Oh! Lady Marmalade's on! Quick break!

In hide sight, I forgot to mention another thing.

I have an art club meeting to attend tomorrow. This meeting is about the gallery space we've recieved in the grand gallery of the art district of Vegas. My teacher told me personally that my painting was going to go up, and the gallery opening is on May 4th. The meeting tomorrow is to discuss the video we will be showing with the pieces of art concerning Man and the Machine. Michael, my teacher's son, will be filming this video.

Too exhausted today to write much.

All I have to say is that I'm ecstatic since a new episode of Buffy is on tonight. Yay!

That and I've been semi-flirting with Wes during Health class. Well... not so much flirting as talking about Buffy.

And nothing else.

Yes, I'm here again a 5 til 2:00am... well, approximately anyways. Looking forward to working with clay tomorrow. Wonderful, glorious clay... if only the colored glazes and slips would turn out the way I want them to... le sigh.

Lately I've been barraged with online solicitors. Too bad there's no way of filtering out just them, and not the new people I might meet along the way.

Really, why are people so interested in the English Renaissance? The only great thing that came out of that era was a love for the theatre and poetry, and Shakespeare being it's zenith. Heck, it wasn't even called the Renaissance period till a hundred years after Elizabeth I expired. The true Renaissance occured in Italy, where the minds of DiVinci, Michelangelo, Raphael, and the benefactor Medici reshaped the whole world's views of life. The artists explored the relatively new laws of perspective and proportion, gaining a better understanding of the way the mind works. Minstrals and such musicians sung of the daily experience, while composers dreamt of symphonies which rivaled the echoing halls of heaven. The wisdom of the Grecian mind was the new-found knowledge of the day, and despite the restraints of the church science and mathematics flourished. Personal hygiene and St. Thomas' Fire aside, it must have been a wonderous and enchanting time. I wish I could visit Venice sometime.

Damn, drawing the outfit of a saloon girl is harder than I expected. (Working on the new title pic for the up and coming layout).

Erm, yeah.

Hmm... Seri-chan has been blogging again. (yay!) And she also switched over to Greymatter... A lot of people have been doing that lately, but I can't until I get my own domain (which will be as soon as I can get my own credit card).

Currently watching that show: The Weakest Link. Good god, everyone gets so damn personal on that show. The social interactions between the players is reduced to that of a schoolyard. Egos inflate supremely during play, and when the host (a mix between Judge Judy, Regis) asks them why they voted for a certain person, the reason is always starkingly personal.

What's even worse is the fact that my family's actually arguing over the stragety in voting off the other players. Dad's saying that when the amount of players has been halved, you start voting out the strongest ones till you face off the weakest player in the final round. Sis' saying that you vote out the stupid people in order to be able to earn more money with the smarter people. I'm saying shut the fuck up, I have a headache.

In the middle of school today I had a surge of inspiration, giving me the stamina to fill out nearly 5 pages in my new sketchbook. My current style: deletism. I take a picture or image, and the subject of that image would be outlined while everything else is perfectly detailed. This way, you have to contemplate the scene at hand if the subject was absent from it. For instance, in a wedding as the bride and groom walk out the church/courtroom/whatever, everyone's celebrating and throwing rice/blowing bubbles. However, take out the center of attention, and all the people seem like they're celebrating, wantonly, something you can't comprehend. Almost as if they've a secret. I love this surge of energy!

Joey Ramone, singer of the Ramones, died recently. We will surely miss him.

Pink, it was love at first sight
Pink when I turn off the light
Yeah, pink is like red but not quite
And I think everything is going to be
alright, no matter what we do tonight!
"Pink," Aerosmith

Dammit. Over the course of the hour I've had this blogger window open, I've been oscillating from depression to inspiration. Really, it's becoming quite annoying. Almost more so than The Weakest Link. This kind of instability jars with my perception of reality, and I can easily use the momentum of my pendulum-esque moodswings to fling myself into extreme depression. But I can prevent that from happening. I have to. Most people don't know how much being confined to your bed with the feeling of nothingness... It's hard to describe.

FUCKING HELLL!!!! SHUT MY FAMILY THE FUCK UP OR I SWEAR I'LL END UP SLITTING THEIR THROATS TONIGHT!!!

... See? Half an hour's worth of recovery and I'm fine. Really, I am. Really.

I should exploit this flood of self expression till I tire myself and retire to bed.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of movies about the Elizabethan era, and I've been wondering how life was like for homosexuals during that time. For instance, in the movie Elizabeth, her future advisor is first see with his "assistant" who's about to slit his throat. Of course, nothing is ever stated (is it ever?) but the scenario is tacit enough to relay the ideas. Christopher Marlowe, Shakespeare's contemporary who's career was cut short due to a tavern brawl, wrote that those who had no love "for boys and tobacco" were fools. That being one of the more obvious ones... then there're the actors themselves who, especially the ones portraying the heroines, enjoyed the feel of the other actors' lips against their's, yet cannot acknowledge it.

I had a dream once, where I was a boy around my age who awoke in the bed of Chris Marlowe, caressing his naked back as he philosophised. I would just agree with everything he talked about, since such things didn't interest me... then we would make wild, passionate love under the linen sheets while he spoke poetry to me.. Hey, one of my more recent fantasies which aren't completely sacchrine with romance-novel-esque love.

I found that book about homoerotic photography in Borders again. Now, with a more private and secluded setting compared to that of B Dalton, I read more from the book, and reached a chapter talking about how, during World Ward II, soldiers were allowed to express a deep sense of love (be it brotherly or loverly) with their fellow trench-mates. (yeah, I know trench warfare was mainly used in "the war to end all wars") It was, in effect, a nation-wide coming-out event, but in the purely male sense of way. The 80's however, the only good thing to come out of that time, was that a lot of homosexual public personalities were able to act more like themselves and remain unnoticed by the public at large. For instance, Melissa Ethridge, the Indigo Girls, and several other artists I've neglected to remember, shaved their head and weren't suspected of much until they themselves came out to the public. As for the male side of the spectrum, the obvious Boy George and George Michael... although Culture Club was rather transparent, and I really fail to see how people could have missed on George Michael. David Bowie, although not gay himself (and I doubt completely straight), defied the laws of gender appearance and went for the whole androgynous alien look... which in turn factored into The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Then there's Liberace... well, I don't have the strength to argue his case. Who knows, now with the advent of the boy bands, there could be a few more of those trapped in the closet souls out there... but now it's not as scandalous to come out as it would have been a few decades earlier.

Wah... I feel like a bagel!

Aw... Cheer up duckduck! This tuesday is an all new Buffy and I'm rather ecstatic it's showing! ^_^

(damn... need to stop replying to blogs on my blog and start writing emails.... blog blog blog?)

Yes! Tim's back!!

Sigh, so much to talk about yet no time to type.

First off, I'm here illegally since it's way past my bed time (not like I'll get repremanded for it, but oh well).

Singing at Easter mass wasn't as harrowing as I thought it would be. Actually, the sound system set up was better than the one in the church (we were singing in the parish hall where the other mass was taking place). I actually remembered all my tenor parts and finally got that weird frog out of the back of my throat. Now I can sing loudly and people will actually be able to hear me above the other tenor in the group (who's a good singer save his extreme FOB accent). Afterwards, I met some of dad's clinic workers as he bragged about how good my sis and I were today.

Afterwards, we went home where my uncle's family (minus my step-cousin Joe) brought food over and we had ourselves an Easter feast. My aunt knows how to make these absolutely delicious brown sugar cookies which always stay moist and have a nice gooy center filled with dates. Yum! Uncle made his amazing halibut steaks (in several different flavors), and I swear he should compete in Iron Chef someday. He's pretty damned good. To top off the occasion, we had some fresh strawberry pie from Marie Calendar's which were nice, large, and slightly on the sour side. A truely delectable meal.

We waited for the food to digest a bit before the whole family (minus my uncle's side since they felt really sleepy after eating so much) went to see Josie and the Pussycats. Call me a corporate whore (or social slave... or master) but I loved the movie! Sure, the whole thing was about subliminal messages and numerous plugs and product placement... actually, almost farce-esque in absurdity. Regardless, I've been listening to my soundtrack cd of it non stop... since I got it a week back, but anyways...

Next came an hour or so at Borders. The parents browsed the magazine sections while mi hermana y yo (yeah yeah, I know it isn't proper spanish!) looked through the music section for his cd. Sigh... then again, can you really expect to find an album released in 1997 in Borders? I think not. So, instead I had to settle for my own copy of one of my favorite books of all time: Exquisite Corpse. Due to the storyline and content, however, My style of art has leaned once again into the necrophillic. Sadly, I can't post those particular pictures here;they're a bit on the extremely graphic side.

Been reading Chris' (owner of the late boylog.com) personal online journal (which address I shall keep private due to his insistance). Funny how he speaks of regaining his motivation to paint, and how the peak of his artistic "career" during highschool seems almost utopic now. My painting of La Madonna De Guadalupe statue is almost finished, all that's left is the small (yet extremely fine) details of the sections where the paint was scrapped off. Personally, I don't like oil too much; I prefer to paint in successive layers. Acrylic has always been my medium of choice (either that or drawing and wood etching). The only way I can percieve myself actually oilpainting much is if I drybrushed (applying as little paint as possible) successive layer after layer. Trouble is, with oil I paint far too slowly. ::sigh:: oh well. I guess I'll have the summer to practice before the start of next year.

Speaking of school, I have "mixed emotions" about returning to the halls of learning... or lack-there-of... the hallways, I mean... aw, screw what I just wrote. Anyways, I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends again, and to (moderated) wild times again. And again, and again, and again. What I will hate, however, is encountering the wrath and fevor of these last 8-9 weeks before school is out. And damn, freshman year has flown by so quickly. I want to be like Picard in that Startrek Movie so I can slow down time and live in the moment just that much longer. To steal a season out of life for myself to enjoy the connections I wouldn't have in the regular, bit wide world. I'll miss all my teachers this year as well. Not only have I struck friendships with a majority of them, but (almost) all my teachers this year have been energetic, enthusiastic, or easier to relate to because of their youth. Next year, however, I'm bound to get a bunch of burn-outs who don't give a damn about test scores in such. Hell, I already know I'm gonna be stuck with one asshole already. The only thing I'm looking forward to next year is my new art class and more people who can be possible b-friend material. Le sigh.

I've found out when is the best time for me to express myself. Apparently, at the time of the day when the least about of media power can invade my head, I can create pieces I don't feel like shredding and throwing to the wind. Currently, that means staying up way past my bed time to finish pictures at around 3:00am and then having only an hour's sleep or so, without factoring in all the times I'll slip in and out of it. Perhaps I should do what Andy did and have a "media fast" where I only choose two or three cd's as my link to the going ons of the outside world. Yes, it'll be almost impossible what with my love affair with Julian (that's the name I've dubbed my new computer). I just can't get my fingers to stop caressing his mouse and playing around on his hot keyboard! Oh how he turns me on!... actually, it'd be the other way around, but oh well.

It seems that the only music I can stand at this very moment is Jpop, so I don't understand a word they say. Morning Musume's Love Machine is currently engraved into my head, and it's nice cheerful tune is helping me to do... whatever.

Ugh... if people are gonna send me spam/porno emails, you think they'd have the tact to send it to me in one large bulk, as opposed to the once-every-5-minutes approach. Really, it's getting quite annoying.

And within the half hour gap between typing this comment and the last one, I've drawn a surreal picture which I actually like. Yes, if life can only be this uplifting for the rest of my time here. Heh, fat chance.

Damn, Chris writes a lot... and so have I it seems.

Lady Marmalade has inspired the new theme of this layout, when I'm done with it: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, c'est soir?

Tony's new manga series:Separation Anxiety. Check out the omake section! Those jokes are hilarious!

Poor Nick! It's awful when one's libido diminishes... even if it's as big as mine sometimes. -_-;; And yes, I do agree that kissing is a far more intimate act than any sexual contact. Afterall, the concentration of nerves on the face is in the lips, and when two kiss it's almost like they send signals to eachother... at least that's what I feel.

Ooh.... Liking In-The-Closet-Boy's new layout! Yes, James Marsden is one hottie!... But on the subject of his latest post...Yeah, I feel more or less the same whenever I go to church too. In fact, the only enjoyable thing about going to church is singing my head off when performing with the choir (which I have to do tomorrow morning. ech, nervous). On the weeks when I don't have to sing, I just let my eyes wander and study the architecture of the place... either that or sleep. Yes, sweet REM cycles.

Spring Break is winding down... and I have yet to get stark raving drunk! It's a tradition I have to get drunk as hell and then do something completely stupid, like attempt to pole dance while intoxicated.

I'm already disinfatuated with this layout. I need something with a bit more additude.

Well, the passion play was only a quasi-failure.

First off, more people came than expected (for the choir) so we had to double up on mics... that is, except for me. ^_^ Father What's-his-name was giving a few announcments before the start of the whole event about staying out of the aisles (since the actors run up and down them a lot) and to turn off all cell phones a beeprs. Just as he was finishing up, lo and behold, someone's cell phone went off. Funny.

Now for the bad stuff. First off, the solos were rather mediocre, which wasn't helped by the sound engineer forgetting to turn on/off the mics at any given time. The "actors" were marginally good, the only good one being the guy who played Caiafas (who, ironically, had only been to one practice). And afterwards, Father What's-his-name praised them for saying that this was one of the better productions he has ever seen of the passion play, professional or otherwise. I had to sustain my laughter at that time, since the mics in the choir loft are very sensitive.

And thus, tomorrow I have to go to Easter Mass to sing in the choir yet again... and I still have shit-loads of school work to work on. Fun fun fun fun fun.

(Sorry if I sound bitchy, but in the middle of this post my dad commented how keeping an online journal made me prone to pedophiles. Honestly, this family is far too paranoid!)

Currently jamming to my newly acquired Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack. Coolest thing about that movie is that the actors had to learn how to play their own instrument. In fact, the only part of the music not done by them is the lead vocals. Lots of respect for that.

Hey, Gwen Stefani's in an Eve video. Too bad she's back to bleached blonde, I liked the fusia hair-do. Nice blood-red coat she has though.

Well, time to get into my garb for the passion play. Babai.

Unlike Boy-ashamed, my forced insomnia has made me unable to sleep for three nights in a row. So, you ask, what have I been doing all night? Working on my wood etchings. The small one I'm doing is turning out quite well. I think I shall oil paint it, since it's not too interesting right now. The big one however... I need a sander for that one. Maybe a quick trip to Lowe's or Home Depo? Ha, only if I had to money to buy a sander. And even then I'd spend it towards either a cable modem, new scanner, photographic-quality printer, Adobe Photoshop 6, or a PS2.

... Come to thing of it, I haven't even stepped into my room in a while. I've spent all this time downstairs on the computer/painting/etching/pianoing. I miss my multitude of pillows! ;_;

Once again, my grandma is being an incompromable bitch.

Just saw the Making the Video episode where they made the video for the remake of "Lady Marmalade," and I must say... hot hot hot hot hot! I just love those steamy videos which aren't too out there, but still manage to maintain class while being risque. Reminds me of what I found out while I had to research the Saloons of the southwest. The only thing I don't like about this particular video is Christina's hair... What the hell type of crimper got to her? It's bad enough that she looks like one of those chinese lion dancers (the hair looking like a poofy mushroom), but then that freaky, tuberculosis-esque eye shadow... ::shudder::

Well, nothing else to do today except for the performance in the church at 6:00. Later.

::drools:: Remember that post about JCSS a few days back? I found out who the hot blonde one is: Tony Vincent. Not only does he have the cutest smile, his voice is dead sexy too! Sad to say, he's a christian musician so extremely unlikely boyfriend material. Oh well.... Hot as hell and I don't mind. ^_^

It seems that lately I've been attracted to guys who're involved with the recent surge of Easter Season christian programs. Funny thing is, I've never considered JCSS to be something completely christian. That particular "rock opera" seems to be in the middle of things... It's almost as if the whole thing is really just a new-age musical that happens to be about the Passion... Which is doubly suprising since the music still feels so fresh even though it was written in the 70's. So, in a way, Andrew Lloyd Weber can be put up with the Bard in his ability to write things which trandescend the fickle changing styles of the times. Ah hell, I just like the gnostic irony of using rock/funk music to tell a rather contemporary story.

::drools again:: Oh, that sexy voice as smooth as melted chocolate! Never mind that he's singing stuff about returning to god, he's just soo goddamn sex on legs!

Sigh... I wish a cute German guy would fall on my lap like what happened to him a few days back.

::sings::Well, Boylog has been disbanded, and strangely no egoshave expanded. (just in case you don't know, sing that to the tune of Janet's part in the Radio Show of Rocky Horror Picture Show). Seems like a lot of webloggers are taking their sites down or are going on a temporary hibernation... oh wait, I've already said that.

Good god... First episode of Friends is on... Rachael's still a ditzi, Ross is suffering from lesbian spousal syndrom, and the hair... the horror, the horror. Can't wait to see the first episode of Will and Grace though.

4-12-2001 7:24am
"
It's just one of those times when you wished that you could use Greymatter instead of depending on Blogger to work. Le'sigh... oh well.

I swear I'm coming down with a kind of force insomnia. It seems that I can only think clearly enough late at night (watching infomercials no less) to actually make artwork which I don't feel like shoving into a blender. But, alas, my newly discovered medium can't be done properly at night.

And what, you may ask, is this newfound medium of mine? Wood carving/etching. Originally, I was looking around this site and the guy had a picture up of a wooden etching he did, and I fell in love. So, with a curious head, I ventured into the weed-infested backyard in search for some spare scraps of wood. After finding a board suitable to use (4'x1 1/2') I set to drawing on the design I would be carving out. Since my family hardly ever deals with 'shop-work, the only tools I found suitable to carve into the wood were a hammer and screwdriver (a chisel of sorts), a glacier pick, and this hand saw that looks suspiciously like a gunblade. Hmm...

The best part about working with wood? The actual manual labor feels great after the soft-cushioned lifestyle I've been living for the past year or so (there're currently 8 pillows on my bed). Downside? It's awfully loud and noisy, so if I try it late at night, the neighbors will complain. Sometimes I wish I had a studio of my own. -_-

Grandma is currently bitching about this and that and such and such (or "sors sors" as she would say in ilocano). Then she layed the smack down with her prejudice views of the world when I refused to clean up my painting supplies; I planned to paint shortly after breakfast. She said that "we weren't the type of people who don't clean their houses, like the mexicans and black people do." God, I wish I could just backhand her for that remark!"

FINALLY! Blogger's working again. Thus:

4-11-2001 11:35pm:
"In the Closet Boy and his woes about computer time. Unlike him, my computer problems are slim to none.

First off, new computer. DVD player, 80GB HardDrive, Ethernet card for future cable modem, and a surge protector. And relatively cheap at $2,100 (mi amiga Christy got a similar one for $2,800 with a discount!). Downside? I have to move all my files to it (thank god for write-able cds) and I won't be getting a PS2 till next year. Damn.

Perhaps one of the most disturbing (and agreeable) performances of Jesus Christ Superstar was on PBS tonight. Watching this production, viewing several other performances of both JCSS and Godspell, and watching The Last Temptation of Christ, I've come up with a conclusion... Judas had a thing for Jesus. First off, in the Last Temptation of Christ, Jesus spent a night sleeping on Judas' shoulder and was, throughout the movie, the most physical with him out of all the other disciples. Also, in the performance on PBS, Judas kisses Jesus rather hard on the cheek, which ends up looking like he frenched him. Later, when Jesus is being carried away, he runs his hand across Judas' chest, who is resting by the doorway he's dragged through. Muy interesante.

Bwah ha ha! Sacrelige is so much fun! Sadly, I've realized that the cute one playing Jesus at the church's passion play isn't as cute as I thought he was. Oh well, falling in love for a split second sucks a lot.

Channel changed. Now I'm watching "Face the Red Lantern" on Bravo. It still shocks me no matter how often I see that movie; Songlian's treatment of her servants, her complete stubbornness, the coniving, condescending schemes of the other wives, and the ultimate conclusion of the film.

Compared to Spy KIDS (seen early this day instead of Josie and the Pussycats), any movie's ending can satisfy my appetite... Then again, maybe not."

Holy shit. I leave SFv4 alone for almost a year and it's already reached 15,000+ hits. Damn, I need to update it!

And on an afterthought, I figured I should post something about the short mall excursion yesterday as well.

While my sis and mom went over to Sears to buy my sis a dress to wear come Easter sunday, I went over to B Dalton like I always do since I mall I frequent lacks an arcade. Anyways, they had moved around some book sections since the last time I was there, so I had to hunt a bit for the section about art and photography.

There I am, standing infront of the rather short selection when, why scanning the titles of books on the top rack, my eyes latched onto a specific book: Homoerotic Photography. Naturally curious, I pulled the book out from the rest, and held it in a way that no one would be able to see the cover and decipher the contents of it unless I just happened to turn to a rather "provocative" image. Which there were plenty of (yum!). Luckily for me there were hardly anyone in the store that day so I didn't have to do much hiding. The photographers they talked about there were rather interesting, a majority of them being from the early 20th century. It seems that a lot of homoerotic photography always refers back to the "classical" styles of greece and rome. One critic (who, ironically, is named Peter Gay) said that the Grecian style had corrupted this photographer's mind, and he in turn corrupts society with his photographs. But, as time progressed, references to the archaeic gods diminished and more urban images began to appear. My personal favorite is "The Band Aid Fantasy" where these two boys are sitting on bleechers, and one is removing a band aid from the other's leg, which is suspiciously close to his crotch. Yes, it's erotic, but also.. sweet in a way. I dunno.

And just to let you all know, I hate it when I want to read some of the "queer" material I've found, be it art or literature, I have to hide myself away so no one can see what I'm reading. Really, it's getting rather annoying to do so, but I'm no where near brave enough to change my ways. Damned sociality.

Ah, sleeping in till the wee hours of noon time (well, almost noon) is fun!

Last night I attended my grandma's birthday dinner at our family-fav chinese restaurant Daimond China. There were so many guests we had to occupy two of the largest tables there, and the size of the place is relatively small. Food consisted of mushrooms in oyster sauce, onchoy in lobster sauce, sweet 'n sour chicken, salt 'n pepper squid and shrimp, eggplant and tofu, seafood chowmein, and wor wonton soup. I completely pigged out that night!

Afterwards, the people of the younger generation decided that they wanted to bowl the night away. So, a party of 9 high-tailed it to Texas Station for a couple games. Seeing as how much I sucked, I bowled with bumpers on. But hell, I got the ball to ricochette(sp) off the bumpers 12 times before getting me a strike. ^_^ We couldn't play pool since it was in the bar area and only three of us were over 21 (who're all parental units). Three games later, I look at my watch and lo and behold, it's a lil over midnight. So, by the time we dropped off some of the people catching a ride with my family's van, the garage door opened and we entered the house sometime around 1:00am. Extremely tiring but fun to no extent.

Today I have practice for the passion play again. That means seeing Jsus again. XD I'll bring my boa whip just in case this time around.

Last night turned out to be a rather enjoyable night for me. ^_^ But, let me start from the beginning.

First, I had to go to church at about 1:00pm to help stuff easter baskets we were giving to the local charity organization. While taking some of the finished baskets back to the truck, I happened to look at one of the other volunteers and that little blip blip in the back of my head sounded. But I shrugged it off, afterall I did have something to do.

Two hours pass and my dad came to pick me up and take me home. There I spent the next hour or so watching The Fifth Element till I had to go to church (yet again) to practice for the passion play. Shortly after I arrived (and chatted with a few of my fellow chorus-mates) all the actors were called to the front of the altar. The aforementioned guy, whom I only had a split-second view of, was up there with the rest of the lot. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that he was playing Jesus.

As soon as that boy opened his mouth and started speaking, the absolutely most seductive voice came out and I was enamored. Well, not "enamored" per-say, but I found him to be very VERY hot. After practice, I was talking with my sister when the subject of him came up. I confessed my lust for him, which was proceeded with very much squealing from my sibling. Ooh... I so wanna whip him nice and good! :d

Sacreligious as hell I am! But I've always been guilty of getting turned on whenever I see an actor as Jesus getting whipped. Dammit, someone control my libido please!

So, in a way, I've found "Jesus." :p

AUDIENCE has a new layout. Eh, not particularly fond of this one... it's a bit too 80's-ish for my tastes. That, and I think you go the katakana wrong for audience, m'dear. Isn't it suppose to be a-di-ensu? I dunno. :p

Steven, owner of blog Goat takes enjoyment in acting condescending, doesn't he? But, I'm not complaining. Afterall, the page he mocks (eGirl) isn't all too special. That and the artwork presented isn't really up to calibre as others I have seen. If L really wants to work on her AP portfolio, she's going to improve far more than where she is right now. I've seen some of the AP work my upperclassmates are doing, and they're amazing. Even the sample portfolio we saw slides of got a 3 (6 being the highest) and still was better than the work presented on the aforementioned page. Regardless, I wish her luck because it is a lot of hard work.

... In fact, I haven't even considered what category my AP should be on. I'm contemplating working on a series of analogous or black/white pieces for my portfolio, but I need to find out more of the requirments for the AP portfolio so I don't have to throw out half of the work I've already accomplished. Ugh, I hate planning for the future.

Yes, today is a day to criticize other bloggers.

Holy shitzcof... I really have been writing an awful lot. I just spent an hour and a half rereading everything I've posted up till now. Lemme tell you it was one nostalgic acid trip from hell. Damn.

Well, waiting for my 'net research about the architecture of the English renaissance has allowed me time to peruse through Gaiman's journal; something I haven't done in quite some time. Sadly enough, there are no tourdates set for Vegas when he comes to the states to promote his new novel. But hell, he's working on the script for a movie about Death so I can't really complain. It would've been nice to meet him, though. But seeing how all the authors who do come over to Vegas hardly have a following... well. Erm, yeah...

Sounds like psionic is taking a hiatus from blogging for a bit. I wish him luck for whatever he'll do.

I... need to give myself a lobotomy. I've been thinking about things far too deeply and too often recently, and each time I suffered an extreme headache. I've been starving myself from any self-gratifying visual artwork ever since I finished my last sketchbook. Since then, I've devoted most of my time to perfecting this painting for art. The fact that extreme frustration is canceling out any meditative effects that painting usually has. Right now I'm in the mood to break walls and slit throats... I need an adrenaline rush. My life's far too mundane now.

The neighbors across the streeet are moving out! ::uncorks a bottle of champagne:: Those people were nothing but a major annoyance ever since I moved into this house a little over a year ago. People would always come over and they would park their cars across the street, right in the way of my driveway. Really, it get's rather annoying. But, sadly the people moving in are an old couple. No hot guys for me to scope out. Le sigh... at least someone like that might move into the vacant house next door. ::crosses fingers::

Dammit, I need a drink. Looks like my Spring Break this year is going to be a real slow one. Whoopie.

Well, piano practice utterly sucked ass.

Today, when I got out of the van to drop off my stuff inside the house, a black lab followed me. It didn't really look threatening, and it was kinda cute. I think it was hungry, since my grandma was frying some fish out in the backyard at the time. God, that dog was way too cute... but sadly I can't keep pets, especially since my grandma's allergic. Maybe the dog belonged to the people who's house hasn't been occupied since... the beginning of christmas break.

Everyone's starting to figure out that I'm gay. Funny thing is, I'm not so scared anymore. Just a year ago you can ask me what I felt about coming out and I would explain how it would be some sort of apocalyptic event. Now, however, that all the people I have come out to have been so supportive, I feel so much better about myself. Now the only thing I regret is doubting those whom I trusted. I know never to underestimate them and their love and support. Thank you, you know who you are.

... Wow, this post was rather short.

yeah, I know there're a bunch of bugs right now with the new layout. But, I have to restart my comp first.

The roses have started to grow in my garden again! After the bout they had with this weird fungus/disease, they stopped blooming for well over two months. I was about to replace them with some new roots when I spotted several buds early this week. Now, several days later and some time spent caring for it, they've come to full bloom. I picked some for my grandma to take to the hospital with her when she visits my great aunt. You gotta love the scent of freshly sprung roses.

It seems that, as the climate has gotten colder here in Vegas, my depression has lifted. Sure, there's still the weird situation with Eric, which creeps me out the way he looks at me when I get even close. And then the other rather masochisitically painful phone conversation with he-who-shall-not-be-named... don't feel like getting into too much info about that one. But for the most part, life is looking up for me more now. I got 100% on both biology and geometry tests today along with another extremely easy japanese class. My painting is finally working with me, and the rather ratty madonna statue is turning out to look real... and that's Mary Madonna, not the singer. -_-

American High is back, playing on wednesday nights on PBS. "The gay one" Brad is quite the interesting character. One the webpage there's a link to a video of him speaking about his views of life as a gay teen. His first line: "This point, in my life, the one thing I wish I had is a boyfriend..." He then goes on to speak about how his search for a significant other is far more challenging than his friends' experiences. I feel more and more lucky with each passing day that I attend the highschool which I am in right now. Not only am I getting one of the best educations in the school district (LVA is second only to ATech), but people are far more open at that school than anywhere else... and because of that, there're guys I can scope out as potential boyfriend material... Still, there's a fair amount of extreme homophobists who just keep their mouths shut for fear of ridicule. Reminds me of one of the many harsh conversations my english teacher Ms. Miller brings up now and again. In this particular one, I found out what the literal meaning of fag was... In the Holocaust, a fag was a bundle of sticks which was used to light the wooden pyres where the persecuted were burned to death. And here I thought that "Flamer" was referring to the carnal adventures over at Fire Island... Just one more card of disturbing information to file in the recesses of my mind. The conversation went on about how people who believe themselves to be righteous and good to incorporate hate into their beliefs. Then, conversely, those who were the persecuted who hate others just for their beliefs. Those who consider themselves more enlightened without realising that other's beliefs are as little a part of themselves as their sexual orientation and what not. Really, hypocracy is rather annoying at times.

Sexual frustration is earth-bound purgatory. I wish I was able to express all the passion which has been building up in me for forever and a half on one person. Making one person feel like the king of the world. But, I'm restrained to divert my energy into other outlets like art and singing and acting... with the occasionaly dancing. I wonder how, in a few years to the future, I'll look back at what I did today and notive how pathetic I was. But for now...

Two hours after I opened this window, I hit the "post and publish" button.

"I get turned on when Joey and Zack start flirting."

.... um, Liz. You are a gay man trapped in a woman's body. -_-;;

Sadness is sinking in again. I spent the whole afternoon under the comforter listening to Sarah McLaughlin while staring out at the clouds drifting by. Wendy called but I refused to talk to anyone. My mom yelled at me to get my lazy ass out of bed and get ready to go to religious ed, and I threw the pillow in her face. God, I don't feel good about myself anymore.

I'm beginning to doubt my artistic ability. Sure, if all talent to drawing was looking at something and making lines and smudges on a sheet of paper which in turn resembles the object in question, then I've got that down pat. If, however, artistic talent is the ability to view the world differently and then express that slightly-off-beat perspective in what you do, I am no where near that. It seems that all creativity is now-a-days is recycling ideas either consciously or subconsciously, but regardless there is nothing new. No new ideas. No new thoughts. Everyone borrows and paraphrases what others have said and claim that idea was all their's. Not even this concept of imaginitive exhaustion is completely original. Heck, the artists of the 70's could explain it far better than I.

I doubt all painting talent I had. Black and white was a simple excercise in contrasts of light, dark, and texture. Now, in color I must worry about keeping the colors clean and applying the right amount of paint onto my palette and then transfering it to my canvas. And what I have done for the excercise painting in art has been far below my previous standard. I just can't paint when my mind is preoccupied. Not only is the whole Eric situation going over badly, but that sour taste in the back of my throat has become an allergy-induced coughing fit. Each time I feel as if sulfuric acid is being poured down my mouth, scraping at the already raw and red flesh there. During art I had a rather bad fit of coughing and managed to cough up something completely disgusting. I hate my weak, sickly body.

And it seems now that everything happened in art today. Fellow kindred spirit Liz was having a bad day as well when she felt that she was losing control over people. Her recent infatuation rejected her, and she's torn up because she can do so much better, and men better than him had wanted her badly as well. That's the trouble with oozing sexuality 24/7, people think either your a slut or completely unattainable. It's like something I heard on the radio the other day, that pretty women are often single because men are intimidated by them. As strange as that may seem, I agree whole heartedly. Most people don't have the self esteem to approach someone who has been put up on a pedastel, as I like to say. Others just assume that they're taken already and don't even bother. So, we sat together, her head resting on my shoulder while I worked reluctantly on my painting, talking about life in general. And as the Vice President of both the Sadness club and the Singles club at school... well, that doesn't speak highly of me, now does it?

I'm completely behind in all my homework due tomorrow, but I don't give a damn anymore. I've entered my downward spiral again, and I need someone to lend a hand and save me before I fall. I need someone to let me break down in their arms as the caress my head soothingly. I need... him.

Heh, funny how one small phone call from your former beau can send you into nostalgic hell. Why the hell did he do that to me?

God, someone shut my grandma up before I slit her fucking throat.

Is it just me, or has everything (literally) turned sour? It feels like there's a mat of dust in the back of my throat, and no matter what I drink or how much I drink, I can't get it off. Rather irritating.

It's 11:16 pm, and I'm irritating my mom for keeping her up all night. The computer's in the parent's room, and my dad is sleeping downstairs. Right now she's in the bathroom with her rack of magazines trying to cool down and not blow up on me like she does with most people. It's funny, but her yelling and screaming hardly affect me anymore, for after years and years of it it's almost reactionary.

Hm... Blow looks like a rather good movie. Recently, a wave of 70-stylized movies have been hitting the silverscreen. Why are people fascinated and so enamored with nostalgia. I've noticed that, more so in America than in most countries, people hold onto memorabilia and other trinkets of the days of old. Take a look around you and you'll see all the 50's diners which have been erected recently, and all "retro" styles everyone seems to wear today. Even look through your grandparent's stuff and you'll find a plethora of yellowed photographs.

The way I see it, this is the breakdown of the 20th century in decades:
1900 - people are transitioning to a more casual lifestyle
1910 - the duldrum of uncharacteristics
1920 - wine, revelry, song
1930 - the great depression, enough said
1940 - a sense of new-found peace
1950 - the new victorian era: suburbia boom, innocence reigns
1960 - people shed the restraints of the previous decade
1970 - the time fashion forgot, a constant party
1980 - the hangover of that previous party
1990 - the age of MTV
2000 - realizing that the 70's were the best times of our life, retro-styles return

Fellow Health classmate and buffy infatuator Wes directed me to his own personal diary and collection of poems/songs he wrote. Although not to my complete liking, these poems wouldn't ring so loudly had I not know him personally. Sure, I'm not exactly his closest friend.. or even close for that matter, but I can sympathize with his pangs of angst and love and lust for life. Afterall, we're both stuck in this melting pot called highschool together.

And the story I've wrote has been erased, the sweater I knit unravelled. It all started with a simple confession from J and then Eric began to piece together the puzzle. Several people have come up to ask me "did you write those letters he got?" and I would deny. Not for the fact that I'm ashamed I wrote those letters, but that I don't want to be seen as a freak or a stalker. But with how gossip spreads like wildfire at my school... by the time we get back from spring break (next week) everyone will know about me. And that's upsetting. I hate being forced to admit things of myself; it's almost a kind of mental raping of my personality. I don't give out secrets so easily, not even to this forum which sounds like I share everything. I believe that, once you tell every secret you have, you become boring and people become disinterested with you. Many people who I've talked to who've been divorced told me two things about why they did, and one was that they became bored.

Can't write anymore, mom cranky.

It seems almost normal that the latest shooting incident in school happened at my old middle school. I always knew that place was a stew pit from hell... At least the weapon of choice was a BB gun.

Speaking of which, finally saw FatboySlim's "Weapon of Choice" video. I must say that for being one of the creepiest actors around, Christopher Walken is rather cute when he's dancing and doing flips and... erm, flying. Don't believe me? Check out the video sometime. I wonder how much money he was offered for the part... or how this'll impact his reputation.

... I so agree! Schroeder from Peanuts is gay!

And in other news, Alyx is beginning to be a rather annoying pest. Not only does he take forever to reply to my IM's (a rather strong pet peeve of mine... along with listing one's pet peeves), but he makes just comments as "you wouldn't understand, you being gay and all." The nerve of that man! Normally, I can shrug off such comments or match them with my own witty tongue, but I only do so when I feel that it would affect the person which it's directed to. Alyx is as apathetic and cold-hearted as they come... which isn't something I hate (my heart's more or less a lump of lead) but the constant brooding and schemes of mass genocide become so boring after a very short period of time. At the risk of sounding rather campy, people who are in a constant, self-induced brooding state need to see the brighter side of life once in a while... Not necessarily basking in it, which would lead to skin cancer... or excessive, cheerleader-esque perkiness. Attitude in moderation, I say.

Porche and I exchanged notes with various quotes we favor during a rather boring health class.
P:"Life is hard for those who feel, and easy for those who think."
S:"You become educated to get the joke."
P:"To deal with yourself, use your head. To deal with others, use your heart."
S:"I've never met someone I couldn't call a beauty."
At this point my bitch of a teacher came and snatched up the note. I was a bit amused that she didn't find anything incriminating on that note, for she's notorious for posting personal notes in the faculty lounge.

Found this site, the drawings of a fellow visual arts major in an arts magnet highschool located in florida. I'm loving his work, especially the first of the tarot deck images. I'm curious... and jealous of his skill with the camera. I've seriously begun to consider entering a photograph for the CCSD Photography contest this year... I have a few ideas but I need to find models willing to pose for me... le sigh... oh yeah, his weblog is here.

And God said "Let your TV recieve cable television without that damned monthly service fee!" Although I'd much rather prefer a cable modem, but you can't really be picky with the guy who hurles thunderbolts, huh?

God, I hate being an utter bitch when I type, but the computer always seems to sap any creativity as I sit infront and type away. Ugh... Help me find a nice cuddly football-fairy Sean!

Ah... The soundtrack to Phantom the musical is perfect for my mood as of now... especially the second track where Christine is singing on the Paris streets. The more I read upon that era in human history, the more I become fascinated with the victorian era at the middle of the 19th century. Mainly, I'm fascinated how the life of excess was like. The opera, the grand dance ballrooms, the elegant costumes, the exquisite architecture... it's hard to explain, but even the ideas of the era entrance me. Sure, I could do without the disease and pestulance, but regardless... I find things out of my time very enchanting. It's part of my escapist tactics when I see the gutters of this city. Yes, it disturbs me that much.

I had another dream while I slept in the afternoon. This time, I was sitting on a stone bench in a lush green garden with a great angel fountain infront of me, while in the back was a large atrium. I was talking/singing to the angel excerpts from Puccini's La Boheme and he would sing back to me. Sometime while we talked, the water spilling from the jug he held in his arm began dropping rose petals of yellow and pink, which floated on the watery surface below.

Next, I found myself in a raincoat with an umbrella stripped of cloth so that it looked like a metallic spider. The hallway I was walking down resembled some sort of a museum, but all the statues appeared to be fragments of broken Greco-Roman styles. A series of paintings hung above each pedastel showed me as I progressed towards the end of the hallway. When I opened the great doors at the end, there was my fallen angel sitting on a desk from my school. He was reading from a small copy of Dante's Inferno in italian. Then I walked over and nuzzled his neck. He sighed and said "kiss me before you kill me."

Funny thing is, I remember everything of these dreams, save the actual face of my fallen angel... Perhaps I shall use this in one of my pictures, for as Paul pointed out, dreams have always been linked to artists as a creative force in their art.

Ah... you know a song is good when it feels like your soul is pulling out of your body in the direction of that sound... I feel like writing poems for two people to recite again.

Tch tch tch.

Joey, you've been a naughty boy and should be spanked. As I hear it from my friend Wendy, he told Eric friday that I like him... which isn't completely correct since I've stopped liking him a little while back. But, W thought I was open and thus half the school is asking questions now. Damn. Betrayal is quite the bitter dish.

I was halfway done with my product project for Geometry, when I realised that I left half the material I needed in Biology friday. Damn. At least it isn't due till friday of this week... which is also the day that those damn sphere paintings are due for art.. which I also left at school instead of working on it over the weekend... double damn.

Ah... been a while since I've seen her video for "Jr. Butterfly," but Momoe's videos always put me in a better mood.