Well... this'll be interesting. Previous plans for party were more or less a no no. But, thanks to Christy, sis and I have a ride (even though we're only staying for an hour or so). As of this moment she's dressed in devil horns and a red tie. I look like a BSB clone with feathers in my hair and I'll be carrying some fake lillies around. Essentially a whole angel/devil thing. Here's to hoping we can go.

Then again... given how our plans usually fall through...

. . . . . posted:||5:22 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Yay, just realized that I have about 2 more posts till I hit my next hundred. And I'll most likely be exhausted/in a bad mood too. ::snap snap::

. . . . . posted:||3:37 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well... shots taken for the short (as in 1.5 minute) film. Wire people mutilation and fishnet gloves! ^_^ All I need now is to compile the shots and match it to the audio track. Blech.

Yep, I've figured what I need this early in the morning. Someone to bitch and rant and talk all night to. As usual no one's on AIM and people wouldn't be up this early/late usually, let alone lend an ear. God, wish I could talk to someone about a lot of things that've been happening (those which can't be mentioned or haven't been helped by being mentioned) but my usual source for phone conversation is a no-no (especially when his parents pick up the phone and tell him to do stuff through it) and... I'm not quite sure. It's too early dammit! I can't think coherently at the moment...

And screw going to my usual shoulder to cry on (sister), she's not that great of a person for advice and her thought process is like mine but more towards the hopeless/not-negative-but-defeated side.

Maybe I should get some shut eye... especially when I start seeing double and my eyes are red as beets.

. . . . . posted:||3:33 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
At this moment, I'm two cracks shy from broken.

Currently breaking (so far for two hours) on filming my piece due for Art on thursday. We have to do a piece (any medium) on either "scratch" or "hesisant of impending darkness"... so I'm doing something bizarre with white wire and a guy confessing how he's doubting the voices in his head... it's either that or a 40 second thing on death featuring photos of... stuff.

"Take death for example. A great deal of our efforts are in avoiding it. We make extraordinary efforts to delay it and often consider its intrusion a tragic event. Yet we find it hard to live without it. Death gives meaning to our lives. It's gives importance and value to time. Time would become meaningless if there were too much of it. If death were inevitably put off the human psyche would end up like... well, the gambler from that episode of The Twilight Zone."

Yester-night wasn't all that grand either. Sis was scrambling to finish her history project (she had the foley to attempt making 3 miniature statues within the span of four days... two of which she squandered with something called "sleep") so naturally she was constantly asking me to perform small tasks for her. Needless to say, I only got about two hour's sleep that night.

And tonight's not looking all that peaceful either. Despite sleeping from 3pm to 7:50pm (just in time to catch Buffy I might add), I'm still quite (pathologically) fatigued.

Rica-san's sick so she wasn't at school today. :( And apparently not for the majority of the week either.

I'm upset that I can't participate in afterschool activities this week. Today I would've stayed after to work on my stuff, but sis said she was quite tired and I didn't feel up to waiting for my dad for up to half an hour CD player-less. Tomorrow there may be a chance of me staying after... but that's just wholesome-ly depressing that I have absolutely no plans for this upcoming all-hallows eve. I could just kick back and watch the annual airing of the RHPS on VH1, but that's equally as disappointing.

I remember a year or two back (possibly more) when after observing how much my family reunions/parties suck, I vowed to maintain as many traditions as I can. Several years to the present and the world's weight has already broken that one. The fact that I'm willing to do schoolwork afterschool tomorrow makes me feel like Scrooge from "A Christmas Carol."

Thursday I have to sing during the 6:00pm mass for church (stupid confirmation "days of obligation") (Karen's lucky; she only has to take one year of it) so no P.A. meeting this week. Friday... I can never stay after on Fridays anyways (piano lessons). Next week's not looking so hot. Monday's a no, Tuesday's a maybe, Wednesday's a no (not quite sure if I can go to the ATech game and say hi/ annoy Matt), Thursday's a maybe if P.A. doesn't go on for an hour and half again, and again Friday's a no. Not to mention all my other class "obligations."

Ugh... It's not my fault I'm procrastinating. Blame the school for wearing me out so that I sleep till the dark hours of night where you can't really get anything done since your circadian clock screams for bed. Blech, that was confusing.

Haven't talked to Matt (or anyone for that matter) on the phone in a while. Need to discuss a possible ride home for the game next week.

I don't even have time to read my book these days. People with hardly any homework have it easy.

Yeah, you know who you are.


I would think of happy thoughts, but that's just deconstructive of the brooding/whining/bitching/moaning/etc. aire I've managed to build up.

At least I got to hang out with Danny a bit more today.

. . . . . posted:||12:35 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Lol Andy. Speaking of dicks... love the one you sent me. Already saw it though... but ne'er quite that big. (take that last remark however you want it)

Time for a blatantly... something... post. Happy to say that since I last weighed myself (about two months ago) I've lost ten pounds! Yay! Only 80 more to go till I can wear my sis' outfits.

On second thought, that's a bad idea.

And yes, I'm taking a "break" from my History project.


In other news... ::drool:: Rica-sama! New layout(s)! Oooh... I rubu berri machyu! (eh heh, bad bastardized japanese english) Orange is so much the coolest color!... next to black, red, white... and I think that's about it.

(good lordie I sounded camp back there o.0)

And I'm curious as to how the hell DJ knows so many people. That boy has altogether too much charm.

(and side note to Paul: BGHS isn't an all boy prep school... if it were, the amount of teacher-student-intercourse would probably double)

. . . . . posted:||11:44 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well, taking a short break from the World History project. Here's a rather hilarious line from The Vicar of Dibley last night:

"If there are any objections as to why these two should not wed, speak now or forever hold your peace."
"Yes! I have an objection!"
"I'm married to the groom. Have been for almost three years now. And I have the marriage certificate to prove it!.... oops. Sorry, wrong wedding."

Hehe... I love british comedy! ^_^ And now some of the sarcastic remarks Sarah and Cristin sent me via email:

I may be inconsistent...but not all the time.

High explosives are applicable were truth and logic fail.

Always remember your unique, just like everybody else!

Is there another word for synonym?

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

If it ain't broke dont fix it and if you broke it blame the closest person to you!

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Last night as I lay in bed looking up at the stars I thought, where the hell is the ceiling?

Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.

If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you tried!

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I think therefore I am...I think.

I'm not only weird, I'm gifted too.

Artifitial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

It's not that I don't want to clean my room its just that I have this theory that everything is balanced just right and if I attempt to move anything the whole house will come down like a house of cards.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unnarmed opponent!

Laugh and the world laughs with you...cry and the world laughs louder!

A clear concience is usually a sign of bad memory!
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

Reality is just an illusion created by alcohol deffiency.

There are few problems that can't be solved by high explosives.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take chances?

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

I read your mind and believe me, it was a short story.

Learn from your parents mistakes; use birth control.

I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it.

No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.

I used up all my sick days, today I'm calling in dead.

Never put of 'til tommorow what you can avoid altogether.

I'm serious...it was a joke.

Love thine enemies, it really pisses them off.

I'm not schizophrenic you only think we are.

Join the army!!!: Meet interesting people...kill them... (or other imaginable acts)

Therapy helped but screaming obscenities is cheaper...

The early bird gets the worm...but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Heeeee! ^_^

::goes into Gir mode::

. . . . . posted:||10:43 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Gaah... just noticed while finishing up my World History project/essay that I have so much new crap to add to my art page. I'm depriving the world of the pic of Ryan and Tybalt (which DJ proceeds to drool/gawk at) and other sorts of stuff.

And in other news... Invader Zim! Yeeehehehehe ^_^

. . . . . posted:||9:36 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
hehehee... Just saw the news this morning and they had Drew on it singing. Must admit, the boy can sing... but as soon as he's given a few minutes to speak, he makes an ass of himself.


. . . . . posted:||9:28 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Strangely enough, I've been on the other end of the story that Sarah emailed me.

. . . . . posted:||11:38 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
So, mall rat-ing with Matt and Karen. Loads of fun. Came out scoring a deep violet feather tickler/teaser and a pair of fishnet gloves. Wanted to get the Rufus Wainwright CD, but both copies were cracked. O'er at Suncoast I wanted to grab a DVD copy of the Utena movie and/or the QAF giftset... but both were not-surprisingly absent. Poo. Wanted Matt or Karen to go ask because I didn't feel like getting weird stares from people. Had enough of that before... and I guess they just don't understand how annoying it gets to deal with people who give you crap about stuff like that.

Also, Karen was donning her Guardian necklace (the thing Squal Leonhart wears around his neck) so naturally when we found a jacket with a feathered collar, she had to try it on. Ever wondered how Squall and Rinoa's tomboy of a daughter would look like? Bingo.

I guess haunted house trotting with Christy fell through... and I'm stuck handing out candy to munchkins come Wednesday eve. Aw hell.

Ooooh... Gavin from Bush is uber-sexy! ^_^

And I still have loads of crap to do for school. Ech.

. . . . . posted:||11:30 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Ah... some people can say just one thing and it makes you want to cry. But you hold things back for a bit and let it stew in a pot of oil.

But you still feel like bawling your eyes out.

And you're not quite sure why.

(actually, I know perfectly why, but I'm not at liberty to discuss it)

(eep, here they come)

. . . . . posted:||11:24 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well... main topic of discussion tonight is the Halloween Masque at school (whihc I just recently got back from after a quick stop by Starbucks) (yes, I am a corporate whore for coffee) which I doth attend.

But first... Pride Alliance meeting. Right off the bat people got into deep discussions of exactly what the club ment. Many people were bringing up points about how the club posters should show how we are more than just a "homo" club. People kept on speaking their discrepencies with our teacher advisor hardly getting a word in. Finally someone said something along the lines that "if they're not comfortable with the idea of us talking about the subject of being GLBT among other things, they might not be the type of people we want in this club." Finally, a different opinion! After the meeting was over (around 3:10 ish) everyone went into the gym to work on our club's booth.

Later that night, once I got home, showered, and dressed, I went to the dance. Sis stayed behind since she only had half an hour's sleep last night (techinically a total of 1.5 hours including all the little naps she took during the day).

Arrive at the school around 7:15pm wearing my bohemian outfit (basically I was Satie from Moulin Rouge sans glasses and baldness). Everyone thought I was just a regular hobo or frosty-the-snowman. Qua?

Immediately went and sook people out to annoy and dance with. Ended up dancing with Lauren every-other dance (and yes, people actually dance in my school's dances) and we'd always get extremely dirty when we did. Most of the dancing we did involved girating hips, swinging body parts, and one or both of us getting/falling on our knees at some point. Danced with a few other people, but most were slow dances and all the people on my dance card were female. ::pouts::

Had about five Pina Coladas during the dance (all non-alcoholic of course... dammit) so I was quite hyper for the duration of it. Hung out with several groups of people. There was Nikki's group with everyone as Josie and the Pussycats, my anime friends, people from P.A., and people from the hackie-sack group. Interesting costumes to note: Justin dressed up like a chinese doll, Nick went as a geisha girl, Theo was going as Buffy, Claire as a belly dancer, Zack as some sort of undead pimp, DJ as a prince, Aki as Qui-Gon Jin, and Christian came "tarred and feathered." He he.

Kinda felt sorry for Justin though. Our booth wasn't selling as much as the people who were doing pina coladas and strawberrie daquiries or the one selling soda. Could be worse, we could've been as bad as the NHS trying to sell water. But Justin looked a bit annoyed/depressed nearing the end of the dance. I wanted to go over and make him feel better but I fear I would've just made the situation worse.

With stuff like that going down for the mear Halloween dance, I can't wait to see what they'll cook up for Winer Formal.

(on a side note: Mr. Jackson was dancing for the first two songs. Pretty funny/ impressive)


And yeah, I think I was using the whole DJ crushing thing as an excuse to get my mind off of someone else.

. . . . . posted:||11:10 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
heee... and for one more one-liner, I'm getting infatuated with the Norse pantheon again. Two books I've read consecutively have had major references to the exploits of Odin, Thor, Loki (shudder), etc. One of the books where two of the three characters aforementioned are alive and kicking it like regular humans (the middle one shot himself in the head before the story begins). The other one just has a vampire who used to revere them. Es muy interesante?

. . . . . posted:||12:14 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Oh, and for the record I can now officially add Zack onto my list of admirables.

. . . . . posted:||12:06 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Aww... don't worry Duckduck, the other one can't even compare to ya.

(strangely enough, this reminds me of the 1.5 people who look like me this school year...)

. . . . . posted:||12:04 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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1. Neo-Paganism (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
3. New Age (97%)
4. Liberal Protestant (91%)
5. Liberal Quaker (86%)
6. New Thought (84%)
7. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (81%)
8. Mahayana Buddhism (76%)
9. Scientology (76%)
10. Theravada Buddhism (71%)
11. Secular Humanism (67%)
12. Reform Judaism (60%)
13. Taoism (58%)
14. Hinduism (56%)
15. Bahá'í (?) (54%)
16. Sikhism (49%)
17. Jainism (45%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (40%)
19. Latter-day Saint (Mormon) (40%)
20. Atheism and Agnosticism (39%)
21. Conservative Protestant (33%)
22. Jehovah's Witness (31%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (20%)
24. Orthodox Judaism (19%)
25. Islam (9%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (3%)
27. Roman Catholic (3%)

Results from Belief-O-Matic. Ironically enough my born and baptised religion is Roman Catholic... or not so ironic when I think about it.

Yeesh, the next few days will be very time-consumed. Tomorrow I have regular classes etc. etc. all (with the exception of my art/photo classes) being completely boring. Good news is that I only have one thing due tomorrow: the four pages in my Japanese workbook. Which I already have done. Yay.

After school going to the Pride Alliance meeting, and then taking the bus home. Afterwards I plan to get dressed up and go to the school's Halloween dance. I'll be dressed up as either a shinma (from Vampire Miyu) or Morpheus (from Sandman)... both options being last-minute costuming decisions. I honestly didn't plan to wear/ make anything till tonight... but I haven't had the time to work on that. So the feather boas are out the window I guess...

Wait, just had a good idea. I was contemplating going as a Moulin Rouge-er (not the dancers I assure you) when I thought about coming as a bohemian... again, the perfect last-minute-screaming costume. Hehehe...

Afterwards I have four days of down time till I'm back in school next Tuesday.

Friday I plan to finish my World H. project, including the two-three page essay due for it. Easy enough to do since I have a copious amount of online sources and the typing requirement is double-spaced.

Saturday I have hap-hazardly planned activities. First off there's boxer shopping/ guy scoping at the mall with Matt and hopefully haunted house trekking with Christy later that night... now if only we had rides... (stupid graduated driving liscense).

Sunday I have church and possible sleep/reading time. Recently picked up Anne Rice's new book 'bout one of my favorite vamps: Marius. Couple that with some choice songs by Alicia Keys (read: about half her cd) and I'm in heaven for a few hours till my eyes hurt.

Monday I'll be working/filming on my sketchbook assignment for art... along with further working on painting stuff for the project so that I'm not behind at all. Yay.

Going back to the Pride Alliance thing (yes, another tangent), while driving over to Fazoli's for dinner dad asked me 'bout my plans tomorrow. I basically told him what I said above, and then he asks "what's Pride Alliance?" Sis and I have already answered that question many times before, and each time sis says that it's "a club that celebrates 'diversity' and everyone." This time I chimed in after her with: "It's really the Gay Straight Alliance but we couldn't use the word gay in the club according to the district rules." Parents responded with: "...."

Yep, I think they're still in denial.


On a side note, this goes out to a particular someone who just recently started reading this lil ol' blog thing.

What I write... erm, type... in here is basically used to vent out all my frustrations. On a very bad day I choose one person to take out all my transgressions on. Afterwards, once I hit the "post & publish" button, I feel so much better and walk away thinking no less of the people I verbally strangled... well, except for certain said family members, but that's about the extent of it.

... okay, time to get back to my reading.

. . . . . posted:||11:54 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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For the sake of reminiscing (and the fact that I just re-discovered one of the few good jazz songs to pop up from Japan in recent times) here're the lyrics to "Thanatos (If I Can't Be Yours)" from N.G.E.:
Every time I talk with Matt it always ends up the same way.
Now it's time, I fear to tell
I've been holding it back so long
But something strange deep inside
Of me is happenin'
I feel unlike I've ever felt
And it's makin' me sad
That I may not be (what I think I am)
He mentions how he doesn't want to ruin a friendship
What of us, what do I say
Are we both from a different world
Cos every breath that I take, I breathe it for you
I couldn't face my life without you
And I'm so afraid, There's nothing to comfort us
What am I, if I can't be yours
By asking this girl out, and it's a dagger in me everytime
I don't sleep, don't feel a thing,
And my senses have all but gone
Can't even cry from the pain, can't shed a tear now
I realise
We're not the same
And it's makin' me sad
Cos we can't fulfil our dreams (in the life)
Because since he's bi there's always that other half
So I must, let us break free
I can never be what you need
If there was a way, through the hurt
Then I would find it
I'd take the blows, yes I would fight it
Cos this is he one, Impossible dream to live
What am I, if I can't be yours.
The possibilities I forgot to include in my chances w/ him
Speaking of singing, I was hyper for some unknown reason after confirmation class so I was singing "filipino opera."
And to drive the stake further that I'm in his situation
Basically it just consisted of singing "Sinong tatay mo?" and "Ikaw an tatay ako." (trans: "Whose your daddy?" and "You are my daddy") in my highest falsetto.
But in reverse, and I would risk the friendship
Sister eventually joined in at some point and damn we got abnoxiously loud!
well... maybe. I'm not quite sure...
Christy (via Andy) found this here page and read through a great deal of it.
and he said that me dragging him to the Winter Formal dance
She's still getting used to hearing me comment on attractive men (and yes I'm purposely using more PC language at this point).
was more of a joke to his friend than something serious
(Why am I? I have no effing clue)
that hurts... how bad I don't know
::waves to Christy:: hiya!
but it hurts none the less...
Watched this pr0n spoof of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon with a nude kung-fu match using attacks like "Invincible Tongue" and "Oral Attack." Hehehehe....
I feel like the other half of Chuck and Buck
And while in confirmation class, I left the computer on to download stuff. Which means I finally got the last episode of QAF's first season. Still wanting to get the DVD set though... but who would buy it for me?
... minus the years of separation
Sis was looking for pics of DJ's and other stuff, so I let her look through the magazine clipping collection I have for purposes like school collages etc.
and the above song says it all just about
"Whenever I need models of hot men," she tells me later, "I can count on your collection here."
so help me?

. . . . . posted:||11:38 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well well well... concert last night was quite the affair.

Had about ten cups of coffee before departing for the local House of Blues (need proof of my hyperness? I was screaming breasts in yiddish in the parking lot) and seeing the Save Ferris show. The opening band was local and, going with the odds, sucked so badly. The next band Limit Point was uber-cool and the music rawked... and a funny thing to note is that all the bandmembers looked like eachother (except for the drummer who resembles Ben Stiller) and all four members wore black pants with form-hugging black Armani.

As for the highlight of the show... Save Ferris ruled the night. The lead singer was very sexually lewd and could bump and grind onstage better than most male singers I've seen try to. The bassist was this funny asian guy who reminded me of an all-japanese blood Kevin. Trumpeter Steve was completely cute; sis and I yelled cat calls whenever he stepped on stage. And yeah... it was so much fun. Tottemo tanoshikatta yo!

Today was more or less mundane. I got to take some rather risque photos of Mary with my camera for photo (basically her with my little kasagami umbrella in different places) (and for the record, the only thing she ever took off was her jacket) and stuff. During lunch they had a limbo contest and that was quite interesting to watch. In art I gouged myself on one of the carving tools and am bleeding profuously (sp) (note: exaggerating) from my left palm. At least I cleaned the cut before plaster got into it.

. . . . . posted:||3:31 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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You know what irritates me? People who aren't at all forgiving.

For example, Cristin. In general, she can and often is quite the bitch. Sure, I playfully molested her (read: pinched her) at the party at Alexus', but I made it perfectly clear that I was completely joking. And just last night I came out to her (which she further irritated me by answering with a "i know that already" when that was only pure speculation, not even word-of-mouth) (at that point I wanted to scream liar in her ear) but... well, I open the conversation with a hello (she says "cant talk") and then I apologize (which she says: "shut up u molester"). Honestly, GIVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE.

Yesterday felt much like a Bollywood film. I experienced the full range of human emotion from anger/annoyance (stupid grandma in the morning) to inspired and motivated (3 hours at art) to elated and maudlin (Our Town) to pensive (only customers at Diamond China while the staff ate their dinner).

And right now I'm trying to drown out the world listening to my Corrs songs. Grandma had me move over the furniture she bought from the garage sale yesterday and filled it with the dolls as planned... my god it looks horrendous! If I had the time I would do some major redecoration of my room but alas I have none.

Not to mention that my mom's OCD will flare up when she comes down to see it. She was pretty pissed when the fixtures came up on the walls and the tassles on the lampshade and the new curtains that don't quite match went up as well.

Grandma's being an even bigger ass now. I was working on my Japanese homework and she had to go up on her pedestal which she acquired during WW2... screw you grandma. If you're so anti-japanese you shouldn't be using all the technology in this household...

Then again the extent of her use of technology is the b/w TV and 10 year old vacuum cleaner.

I have no patience to deal with these people.

And concert tonight instead of church. Yay.

. . . . . posted:||12:04 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well, this past saturday was filled with much activity.

First off, had to go to school so I could work on my sculpture a bit. Thing is, dad was tardy as usual so I opted to help carry something my grandma bought from these ladies having a garage sale across the street. While over there, I found a gorgeous handm-ade, mahogany bookshelf that would work so much better than the trunk I was thinking of using for my project. And it only set me back five bucks too.

Later, finally made it to school. Was the first one to arrive, so I started to work on my tree-branch. More people came in gradually, and at most we had eight people. For part of my sculpture I needed rice smothered in frankencense ashes so I decided to light incense in the hallway... big mistake since there was some sort of teacher meeting in the room down the hall. At least we didn't get reprimanded... yet. Later on Bunny's mom came with some McDonalds for everyone, and we were all muy grateful. While working on cleaning the shelves of my bookcase I chatted with Ms. Treat about everything from Bollywood to Ghost World to patron saints and patterns of styles in iconic artwork and relics, to tje Bjork and Sigur Ros videos. Loads of fun.

Around 4:30 dad came to pick me up, and the whole family went to the St. Joan of Arc Catholic Church downtown for mass. More or less very mundane... except one of the guys giving communion was extremely effing gorgeous! It's a pity that he's studying to become a priest.

Afterwards, saw my school's production of "Our Town" and hung out with Jyl and Nikki and her edible b/f Cooper. Saw John from summer P.E. two years ago, but didn't get a chance to say hi. I should apologize to Jyl though since I took my sexual/emotional frustrations out of her (i.e. resting my head on her shoulder for half of the performance, having my arm constantly wrapped around hers, etc.) but by now she's probably used to that whole schtick.

And I'm happy. I have all the necessary facts for my science fair research paper. All from last year's researching so I didn't have much to worry about now did I?

. . . . . posted:||12:02 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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He he... Everyone I have lunch with at school will get this comic. ^_^

Naughty naughty.

. . . . . posted:||10:22 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
My god... this is something you don't see often in music videos. Proving once again how far Bjork can push the boundaries of pleasure and pain.

... at 2:30 a.m. in the morning, what can you find me doing? Watching loads of incredible music videos on the computer since god knows the US music stations (and even Much Music from Canada) won't air these any time soon.

Just finished watching Sigur Ros' video for their song "Viðrar Vel Til Loftárása" (not quite sure what the title means...) and holy shit. I don't think I've ever cried while watching a music video before.... This one is beyond description. The constant slow-motion camera suited the whole thing very well; the action of the soccer game with this special effect makes you hold your breath just a second longer... and also at the same moment that the two lovers are torn apart.

Short synopsis of this seven minute long video: A boy is playing with two dolls on a bridge. His father sees him there and is quick to rush over and toss the things into the river. Nearby another boy watches the whole thing. Cut to a soccer game with the two boys in the same team. During the team meeting before the game begins, he hands the other boy the two dolls which he got from the river. Later, the boy with the dolls scores the winning goal and everyone is exhilarated, especially his father. As the group of teammates separate from a group huddle/hug/celebratory, the two boys are on top of eachother in a passionate kiss. At that moment the video shows small clips of the interactions of the two boys and their loving relationship. Back to the present, the father is completely outraged and drags his son off of the other boy by his shirt collar which threatens to tear off of him.

Pure emotional work.

. . . . . posted:||2:07 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Something peculiar to add that happened Thursday after I went to my bed. Christine called and apparently she was asking about math homework while I was on auto-pilot (i.e. only saying "yeah, uh huh, yes, sure") since I was half asleep.

Funny thing is... I remember going to bed in my full attire from the day, but when I woke up in the morning I was completely undressed. And I have no idea why.

. . . . . posted:||1:31 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I need to bitch and moan to someone about my troubles... but no one is quite up for being the "shoulder-to-cry-on" at this late of an hour. Not even those I know online... and even then I can't quite convey emotions through simple text.

But in a way communication through letters and words and phrases is better; I can plan out exactly what I'm going to say without having to stumble over pronounciations and interuptions from others. Yes folks, the comforter needs to be comforted.

Hmm... and so does Sarah. ::hug::

. . . . . posted:||12:39 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Hey, I was wondering..."
"Well... if ever I... you know... would you?"
"Would I wha?"
"You know..."
"... oh. You want us to be 'friends with benefits' then?"
"Kinda, I guess."


It's not fun at all being pulled along by a thread. Like a horse strapped to the yolk constantly moving forward for the carrot being hung o'er head. He's already stated that taking things any further than friendship would be far too weird... and yet...

Bad enough that DJ shot down all possibility for anything more.

Mrs. T said something that made me doubt my competence as a sculpter while I was working on a mask of Ganesh for my project... at that point I became very displeased with myself and went outside to chat with my friends who were spray painting some stuff. I ended up dancing tango for 20 minutes with one of them.

Took the club picture for Pride Alliance... and everyone got in an upside down triangle formation (figures). Can't wait till they post the "P.A. F.A.Q." so people would stop asking me (and other fellow members) annoying and repetitive questions.

Good/ bad news. For the upcoming piano recital I'm the last performer of a roster of about 74 other people. In other words... I'm kind of headlining the whole thing... but not really. At least that's the wording one of my piano teachers said. Good that I get the recognition. Bad that I have to practice my ass off. Good because that gave me a moment's burst of self-esteem. Bad because I have no time to practice since next week's testing.

My dance card appears to be quite full this year.

And by dance card I mean my scheduel.

For my sketchbook assignment I'm thinking of making a short film where a person is making a stew out of scratch (the theme or word we have to interpret is "scratch", btw) and as (s)he's cutting up fruit, there're messages inside of them. How the whole thing will end... I have no clue whatsoever. And this thing's due in two weeks. F***.

Tried calling DJ today but a) he's still grounded and b) I fell asleep as soon as I hit the couch. After piano and pizza dinner I called Matt and he answers with an "I'm hurt." since I didn't call him yesterday... stupid caller ID. His dad cut our conversation short at 2 hours (the norm for friday/weekend conversations is about 3-4) so now I'm stuck actually doing homework... and I also have to do more research for stupid science fair. I think the 50 facts I have now are adequate enough to write 5 pages without being verbose about it; each fact acts like five.

Stupid science fair... I'd just settle for quarter projects... and I have too much stuff to do.

Do they really mean to kill you sophomore year with all this shite?

. . . . . posted:||12:33 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Damned be the honors science department for their required science fair participation. I thought that I had all the necessary 70 facts to begin writing my 5 page research paper... but apparently I only have about half of it. Crap. That means I actually have to work for a change.

Did a bunch of online tests from thespark.com with Matt since those pages have been restricted by his bitchy parental units... not to mention that his mom snooped around his favorites list and found the only objectionable link which led to a tastefully written fic that just happens to have some man to man loving in it.

But I digress... learned more interesting things about him through that.

And yes, it's safe to say that I once again have an official best friend.

. . . . . posted:||11:39 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well, now that I'm more or less sane (state of stability is still in question though) and awake I'm finally about to write something about the latter paragraph of this entry.

Again, the majority of the gay culture that has become popular in the US are the bar-hopping, a-lay-a-day people a la "Queer As Folk" and "Will & Grace". Naturally people would assume that that's how the majority of people life their lives. So, in the grand traditions of mass conformity, someone who isn't normally up for the chase would attempt it on occasion. The thing about that lifestyle is that it's addictive; everything is fleeting and superficial with a general sense of having a fun time.

But it is a more attractive way of finding a mate. Stumbling on the perfect guy doesn't quite work these days (and you can take the entries in this blog as proper evidence if you're so inclined to do so) and online/personal ads seem very sleazy and almost desperate.

Which is why people rely on connections like the duck said.

My reasoning is that there're a lot of people who live the life of the clubbing queen who really disagree with it... but do it because everyone else does. So there's always an off-beat chance that one might stumble on such a person, but that still requires much luck.

Heh, that's my problem. I hesitate too often.

. . . . . posted:||11:13 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ever had the feeling that while a certain song is playing?

It feels like someone's unwrapping your intestines from the inside. Crossing the tublets of gore one over the other like you would unbraid hair. But the emptiness in your stomach isn't lonely as gentle hands massage the walls of the cavern...

I can't stand this masochistic pain anymore. Fuck unrequited love, I want the real thing.

Ms. Hoffman took the class outside for a reading of a chapter of The Dao of Pooh which was promptly followed by everyone working on their vocab outside. I eventually got out of the sun and sat in the shade...

Lauren let me read the little black book of poetry she keeps with her friend. Read some of her poetry and prose, all about a certain guy. And I can't stand feeling full yet empty.

Fuck... it's that song again...

Looks like I'll spend another afternoon locked in my room lying on my bed contemplating whether or not to call DJ just to say "what's up."

I can't function like this. At this very moment I have absolutely no self-control over my emotions besides the shield I put up during school. But that doesn't matter if I can't focus on the task at hand.

Funny... I remember a time when schoolwork was an escape from the real world and an excuse from communicating with anyone. Now I do want to communicate, but I've been instilled with my sis' paranoia of the telephone. Granted that I call and get called a lot, but when I'm striking up a conversation with someone I'm not comfortable with... I'm worse than a toadstool.

But now school has taken a back seat. Fuck, I can't even draw/ write with all this goddamn confusion. My art has been forsaken for the chills and uncontrollable convulsions... but I best end it there.

And I still have to practice heavily for my piano. Fuck fuck fuck...

This isn't procrastination. I'm trying to salvage my sanity at this point.

. . . . . posted:||5:01 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"What have you done today to make me feel proud?"

. . . . . posted:||12:40 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hmm... here's something interesting to give a go at:

How Many People Have You Slept With Formula
Take your present age.
Subtract the age that you lost your virginity.
Multiply it by 2.
Subtract the TOTAL NUMBER OF YEARS you have been
in a serious committed relationship.
The number left is the number of partners you've had!
via MIX 94.1

So.. 2 (15 - 12) - 1 = 5 people... not entirely accurate, but at least it didn't give me an outlandish estimate. Possibly more accurate if you're older. Possibly.

PSAT's were... okay. At the beginning of the test I was pumped up and energized... but by the end I was begging for the damned thing to be over with. To make matters worse I had Nelly Furtado's "Turn Off the Light" stuck in my head the whole time. Ugh. The math section was a breeze... but I need to work on my sentence corrections. Badly. And improve/refresh my vocabulary. Fellow friends Auki and Lauren took the test as well, but since there was hardly any time to speak that wasn't all that productive. Didn't even get a chance to pry that entry from Lauren's black book.

Algebra is boring as usual.

During lunch I got my Japanese 2 workbook, a fellatio-sicle, and attempted to work on a picture I've been doing... but to no avail. Tomorrow during lunch I'll probably have to work on my prints for photography (ugh).

Most of my last class (Art) was spent polishing up my plaster pears/potatos/potatos posing as pears and working on my tree branch. I have a wholesomely depressing feeling that I won't finish this project in time... and I still need to find a new container to fit it all in. Damn.

Saw Buffy. Good Buffy. Slackers the big bad this season? Then switches over to Willow? Maybe. Giles back, looks older. Willow losing control, Tara making fewer and fewer appearances. Buffy: The Musical?! Daria?

Matt has a tendency to call me a lot. Nyah.

And damn him for reminding me of something a certain someone did to me when I was at his house swimming.

Need to work on english... and took about 5 minutes to type the word english since my brain is apparently out of order at the moment.

Are club pictures being taken during class? I think so. Need to be in the Asian Pacific, Art, and Pride Alliance ones. In other words, dress nicely for the rest of the week.

Tomorrow... okay, today. Choir. Don't feel like going since I won't be there this sunday.

I'm just tired.

I'm sorry.

Not that sorry.

But I'm sorry.


. . . . . posted:||12:11 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Post numero roku ji kyu (69). Aw hell.

. . . . . posted:||1:29 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Something that I talked about with Barto from sunday's call. He was telling me how he finally came out to one of our other friends, but really he's had a longing for him for a little while.

That's funny because I had a moment like that last time I visited almost two years ago.

He was saying how, when Penney stayed over for a night he claimed the bed. Naturally, the bed was the only comfortable thing to sleep on in his room, so Barto claimed the bed as well. The thing is, he wakes up early while our friend tends to sleep in late. That morning he wakes up to find that he's lying face to face with P, feeling his hot breath against his skin and his hand on his waist.

Coincidently, something along the same lines happened to me when I visited. Then, they pulled out a large inflatable mattress and we just slept in the middle of the family room. I awoke to the sight of the nape of his neck (and, by the way, he does have the sexiest neck) and couldn't help but notice the gental rise and fall of his shoulders as he breathed in his sleep.

Also, while he played/ practiced piano I just wanted to go over and wrap my arms around him... but this was back when I wouldn't suspected a thing about him, he was going out with Liz (again, the AZ one), and I was in one of those moods.

Funny how things always come full circle?

In other news, I've been on a K-pop music binge again. Finally got 'round to getting Park Jiyoon's "Adult Concert", H.O.T.'s "Outside Castle", Koyote's "Disturbance (Panan)", Papaya's "Listen to Me", "Doll" by three collaborating artists, and F.N. Kil's "Forever Love". Interesting parallel to note: the Kpop group NRG has three members: two look similar and are forgettable, one that stands out. The NRG group from Vegas (headed by Drew) follows the same path more or less.

So, a breakdown on today's happenings.

Barely got out of the house in time to get to school ontime. Had five minutes to spare by the time sis and I got there, so I went to the art room to drop off my photopaper and chatted with all the people there. Learned from Ms. Treat that sis sold three prints at the arts fest while everyone else hardly did... eh. There're always other opportunities. The general premise of the whole event felt something like: "a gathering of poor artists to view eachother's work." Like I said, the arts fest by Summerlin sold a bit better.

In english we worked on brochures for our own utopian societies. Nothing too noticable except that I found an allusion to BNW in American Gods (along with several references to the seven Endless).

World H. I found a bit boring since Lauren apparently wasn't there today. Took notes, filled out a chart, basically a quiet day... unless you're in my class and sat next to Nikki. We two were talking half of the whole time (mainly about her weekend with her main squeeze). Claire hinted at a disturbing erotic dream she had about someone, but I have yet to extract the details from her.

Chemistry found me searching for facts about Neuspora, Mycology, Circadian Clocks, and Jodie Foster Pornography (suggested by Marcy).

Lunchtime I had nothing but some green tea and half a Slim Jim. It feels nice to just hang out with no pressure for incessant conversation.

For most of Art I spent shaping my pears into something that didn't resemble placenta... it came out looking like a potato. Afterwards started constructing my tree branch a bit more.

Matt called again after I got home from confirmation class (which was wholesomely boring, but I find it funny that I know S***** Kiss' girlfriend) talking about how people suck. So we chatted for about an hour till his dad kicked him off of the phone.

Tomorrow I'll have to take the PSAT's for the better part of the day... that means I get to avoid giving my presentation for Japanese (yay!) but I have to retake the speaking test (boo!) and I have to make up the notes (boo!). In photo I have my 5 in 1 project due so I'll have to stay over to work on prints anyways (boo!). I'll be missing half of Algebra so I'll have to copy notes from someone. At least I get to have all of art for last period.

Ugh... why couldn't they do the damned thing on a weekend? Preferably a sunday... but that's an obvious no.

. . . . . posted:||1:26 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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So here I am in the library sitting between two "supposedly" bi femme fatales... ha ha ha

Looking up more facts for my fucking sci-fair research despite the hours I slaved over it last year.

... and it's already decided that Marcy is the hotter one because a) she's more whore-ish and b) Jyl could be a family member. So that rules her out.

. . . . . posted:||11:21 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Looks like I'm here all alone... again
Sitting wond'ring why I pay your sins
But you know this time I will
And you know I'm always waiting for this
I have this small leather bound book
Running back to where you are
Doesn't matter just how far tomorrow seems
I'll always be holding on and on...
And on and on and on!
Well, it's not really leather bound...
Giving you my everything
Because I've fallen for you, for you
Just take my hand, together we'll be
In the circle we can dance
In the circle we can...
The covers are hard laquered wood...
Is it time for another whim on and on
Too confused to get annoyed with it
Is it me? Is it that I see you're disappearing
But you know I'm always waiting for this
... bound by a piece of leather
Running back you where you are
Never matter just how far your running
And everynight you're in a dream
Angel I'm wide awake
and in there I hide my most personal thoughts
Giving you my everything
Because I've fallen for you, for you
Just take my hand, together we'll be
In the circle we can dance,
In the circle we can...
In there I hide my secrets, the ones I'd never
I'll always be... holding on and on
(on and on)
EVER tell to another soul... well, maybe one
Giving you my everything
Because I've fallen for you, for you
Just take my hand, together we'll be
In the circle we can dance,
In the circle we hold hands,
You will always be my everything...
but I've been unable to see my fallen angel
--Swell 26's "Letters to Angel"

since the first time I saw him
Ah... reminiscing on an old favorite song from way back when. Sadly, this fantastic band has already broken up... a pity since they were quite promising.
for the B&N incident was just to trick my sis
The way that the song is written... I can't quite convey it. And it's brought up something I've been trying to for a while but couldn't identify just quite.
and to test her reaction to it.
Recently I've been dissatisfied with my artwork (thus the half-filled sketchbook I've had for almost two months) so I haven't been working on it much. Now I think I know why. I've been focusing entirely on subject matter which is very intimate... but it's been forever and a half since I've tried something epic.
And in that book I have I write my opinions
Which ties into the song above; it's a love song seemingly sweet from just the lyrics alone, but add the drums and guitar and the whole thing becomes one large opus weaving a story of pursuit of a lover. (and just to show how far it's influence has stretched, I was inspired to write "Streetlights at Supersonic Speed" after listening to this song for about two weeks non-stop)
Specifically of all my friends
- - -
Half my book are observations and notes
My henna tattoos are starting to fade already. Apparently this type only lasts about a week... but strangely enough the sanskrit for Om is still rather dark. Hn?
on the mannerisms and history of my friends
- - -
kind of like Jyl's brain book...
Why do people like calling me? Am I really so interesting?
but I'm smarter than actually bringing it to school
Barto, my friend from AZ, called today ("on my mom's cell so I don't have a big phone bill") and we talked... for about 4 hours. Nothing too indepth besides him revealing his crushes on two of his best friends, a hint at a boyfriend I had while we were still going to the same middle school (the boy in question is now a senior at his highschool... but he'll probably deny all that I've said), and me squealling whenever Jude Law was on the tv as sis and I watched "Wilde" on IFC.
And I really should start writing erotica again
And I just finished my homework for tomorrow about half an hour ago. Too many distractions with the movie, the call, Jude Law, emulator/ roms, getting dizzy from spinning in my swirlly chair, etc. Not to mention that I managed to see another episode of QAF (still plugging the DVD to anyone who'd want to buy it for me) (and if you do, get the US version not the UK one) and am seriously reconsidering the no-kids attitude I've had. Then again... I'm forgetting about all the times I'd probably have to scold mine if I ever had one. Blech.
before my pictures start to become pornographic
... this thing is unnecessarily long. I apologize.

. . . . . posted:||3:01 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Are You a Suave Guy?
Wow — you're quite the Casanova! You know how to play the dating game; in fact, you're damn good at it. We can tell you're a real woman-magnet and are never without an admirer or three. When combined with your significant charm, your attentive, sensitive demeanor makes you irresistible. Someone definitely made sure that you know how to treat a woman — ladies always feel special and appreciated when you're with them. You've got a knack for expressing yourself and showing your interest without looking too eager, too. That's a difficult balancing act, and you deserve a pat on the back for perfecting it. At the rate you're going, you won't be dating much longer before you score your dream girl!

- - -

What Do You Want in a Man?

Romance: Although you're a sucker for romance, you'll probably cut a guy some slack even if he doesn't constantly pamper you with gifts and affection. You crave passion in your relationships, so you want a guy who can (and will) express his deepest feelings for you through his actions. Someone like Richard Gere or George Clooney, perhaps? But you know that men aren't very romantic, so you're willing to lower your standards in this area if need be. Chances are you're willing to stick around once the courting period ends, though it's still very important that your guy occasionally dote upon you. Your realistic-yet-hopeful outlook will guarantee you a good catch!

Maturity: Love might be a serious game, but it should still be fun. Too much sophistication can kill the romance. But we didn't have to tell you that. It sounds like you always go for the kind of guy who knows how to cut loose and just be himself. Practicality and maturity are respectable qualities, sure, and no man should be completely without them, but they've never been high on your list of important ingredients for an exciting night out. Based on your answers, we think your perfect guy — someone like Jerry Seinfeld or Cuba Gooding Jr., perhaps? — should know how to have a great time without acting too childish or outrageous. Whether he adds a little bit of danger to your life or just has a great sense of humor, your ideal man would still be young enough at heart to let the kid in him emerge.

Lifestyle: Some people say love is a journey of the heart. So if you're traveling anyway, why take coach when you can go first class? It sounds like you have some very clear financial expectations for your ideal relationship. Money is an important aspect of romance for you, probably because of the leisure and opportunities it offers. (One guy with a bank account that might live up to your expectations is David Hyde Pierce's character, Niles, on "Frasier.") There's no doubt that a luxurious lifestyle is tons of fun, but we hope it doesn't become the most important aspect of your relationship. We all dream about a fairy-tale love affair (complete with a castle), but it's important to stay within the limits of reality. Based on your answers, you should recognize and respect your desires, but if you meet Mr. Right, don't let anything get in the way of true love, even an itty bitty bank balance.

Looks: You seem to know instinctively that love is blind, so why rule out any potential suitors? Sure, you probably prefer a looker (who doesn't?!), but you don't have strict standards by which you measure a potential date's physical appearance. Nicolas Cage? Ben Stiller? Just your style. Not only does this tendency reflect your innate good nature, but it also indicates that you'll be more apt to find your ideal man, since you're not someone who shuts the door on anyone who couldn't make a magazine cover. Of course, just because you're willing to look past the surface doesn't mean that your guy will be anything less than stunning. Whoever he is and whatever he looks like, you'll find him because your mind and heart are open.

- - -

Yeesh. I blame Sean for rekindling my taste for Emode tests.

. . . . . posted:||10:28 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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That's it, Invader Zim has got to be one of the best shows of all time... the fact that they have Gir on there is soo effing cool! ::bounces around the room::
Funny, I was on the phone with Matt when I saw last week's episode and went hyper
::stops:: That robot is waaaay too cute. Tottemo kawaii yo!

. . . . . posted:||11:05 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
One moment I'm elated
I feel like asking him out, but I don't know...
The next I'm depressed
He's already shot down that possibility...
And the constant game of see-saw in my head
... when during our conversation he said:
Is beginning to leave my body feeling numb.
"It would be weird if we ever were like that, Chuck."
Can anyone give me an explanation?
And I was stupid to agree
"Looks like I'm here all alone, sitting wondering why I pay for your sins..."
- Swell 26's "Letters to Angel"
But I got him to agree to go to Winter Formal with me
Went to that gateway arts fest today. Funny since sis and I kinda snuck in without even realizing it. We went through the gallery where the festival was being held in the back lot. Completely skipped the ticket booth and gate, but no one hardly noticed.
... well, at least I think he was being serious...
Quickly met up with Jen, Katty, Christine, Emily, and Desiree at mi escuela's booth. Had to "make room" at the table so I could layout some artwork... but the contrasting booths were funny. My school's had so much stuff in it while the others were very sparsely occupied. I'm considering trying to get the school a booth at the arts fair up here in Summerlin since that one generally has a better turn out.
It's sad that my feelings for him really haven't gone yet
When sis and I got there people were reading loads of bad poetry on the mini-stage they had set up... ech.
Sometimes I just imagine myself pulling him close...
So, we decided to go grab a drink first. Went over to the Red Bull tent and I got myself an energy boost. Funny thing is, they poured the can into a cup with the Budweiser logo on it... and considering the hue of the liquid, it could pass as beer. Hell, everyone seriously thought it was.
... so that his chin was resting on my forehead...
Dad came a few minutes later after he found a parking space. Sis got him to buy a big helping of cotton candy which she couldn't finish... so we had all our friends take a bit.
... and I'd be able to feel his body heat.
Later, dad bought a beef sandwich thing and was eating it in the shade. People passing by saw him and got hungry, so they went over to the food tent that was selling that stuff and bought some.
"You idiot!" I'd say just below my voice,
Then someone from the DJing stand came to the same food tent and bought a big ol' turkey leg. Upon his return, all his friends saw the mass of meat and decided to go buy some too. Dad notices them and decides to get a leg for la madre who was having a hair appointment at the time. But when he gets there, they're fresh out of it.
"How can you toy with my emotions like that?!"
Watched and conversed with Jen and Katie while they were getting temporary tats. Made fun of the pretentious artist occupying the next booth as he tried to explain his reasons for the piece the customer was interested in buying.
And I'd be near to tears as I pull him even closer to me...
Which is one of the reasons why I hate it when artists explain their work. Giving away the "true" meanings of the piece leaves it to little more interpretation. And that is the best part about a piece you can't understand easily. Like a canvas painted one color.
... eventually sobbing hot tears down my cheeks.
After staying for half an hour, we had to leave to pick up la madre... but we left just before the Battle of the Bands started. On the drive over dad said how the whole experience was quite good and something he'd definetly do next year.

... There're still some tricks I can do to let myself talk about the things I want to.

. . . . . posted:||10:35 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Now that it's finally here... can someone get me this for Christmas/ my birthday? I would be eternally grateful! ::pouts::

. . . . . posted:||10:17 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Janis Joplin effing rawks the world!

. . . . . posted:||12:12 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Speaking of getting along with Cancerians.

524,600 minutes....

There're these two guys in my Japanese class who'll be known as V and M for the moment. They have a tendency to constantly play-flirt just for kicks (M more so than V) and I find that really funny. Especially since both of them are straight. Heck, M even came very close to sticking his tongue down V's throat to encourage Seri while she was presenting her song. Demo, totemo kawaii desu neh?

Speaking of which, I have to work on my presentation of my kasagami for Japanese sometime this weekend... considering today is more or less full and tomorrow doesn't look so vacant either.

::sigh::... Don't worry Matt! We shall find plenty of nice looking guys (and gals for you) to hook up with this year. Had several candidates in mind.

And I'm still dragging you to Winter Formal if I can't find a date!

. . . . . posted:||12:10 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What did you say? Another 5 hours on the phone with Matt? Yep. Apparently he calls me lots whenever he's stuck home alone... calling so often everyone's teasing me by calling him my boyfriend. Now that would be very interesting.

Tomorrow selling prints of artwork ("Ganymede", "Clothes Make the Man", and "Turmoil Waters") at the festival. Don't expect to make much money... but then again money is very useful for a teenager like me. And boy do I ever need it!

How the hell did he manage to go through three guys in the span of about 8 weeks? And now I'm having second thoughts 'bout all this.

. . . . . posted:||1:43 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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I'm happy. Not happiness that you can get from a moment of euphoria. It's lasting happiness. Not the giddy, hyper happiness. It's a calm, tranquil happiness.

It's different... I'm not elated, but I'm not drastically depressed.

. . . . . posted:||10:40 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"6:06 PM

So, here I am in the middle of sis' first orchestra concert, writing down this entry on the back of a sheet of paper I got from the Pride Alliance meeting. The weather is getting progressively cold (expected to drop to the 50's) and I only have one layer on. Oops.

Much to speak of today, so I must begin from this morning:

English: Ms. Miller was feeling a bit more eccentric/amusable this morning. I'm sinking further and further into my copy of American Gods; a testament to Mr. Gaiman's incredible gift for narrative. Halfway through the class we had to go up for our hearing and eye tests. Results are as follows: normal hearing, right eye 20/20, left eye 20/780. Wha?!

World H: Took notes on a particular section of the chapter and then had to present it to the class with our group. Got stuck with Joey, and he wanted to do intepretive dance... so we did. Or rather he and Claire did, the rest of the group read the narration. Loads of fun to be had. Later, due to testing, we had a half hour to chill and do just about anything. So, I finished studying for the Chemistry test and talked with friends. Leilani sat on my lap most of the time listening to Incubus on my CD player. About ten or twenty minutes till the bell rang, Nikki's boyfriend came to pay her a visit. He is incredibly sweet!

Chemistry: Took a test. Didn't talk too much afterwards. Jyl told me that she came out to her mom (wrote a note and left it infront of her doorjust when she opened it). Funny thing is, she didn't realize it was national Coming Out day. Hn. Now she's been really scared about what her mom'll think when she gets back home.

Lunch: More or less uneventful. Well... except for the huge laughs we got while pairing celebrities with others of the (supposedly) same sex. (ex. Rosie O'Donnell & Madonna, Martha Stewart and Joan Rivers, Michael Jackson and Haley Jole Osmett).

Art: Continued to work on sculptures. Looked at Patty's "sprained" ankle and found out that it was a badly torn ligament instead.

Pride Alliance: Holy shit there're a lot of people in this club. Too many fun things to note, but I will name a few highlights: Justin's numerous foul-ups, Danny being a bit overly eager (claps enthusiastically when Mrs. Williams states that one of the club's goals is to "promote same-sex pairings as a normal life-style"), same aforementioned teacher saying that the club wasn't a "sex club" and half of the members feigned leaving, a lot of my friends being there, snuggling up between Patty's thighs (really good cushion), everyone pouncing on my sketchbook and issue of XY. Afterwardsm saw a 20 minute special from MTV (yay Gideon Yago!) about hate crimes towards gay people.

Currently I'm in the gorgeous facilities of the Sammy Davis Jr. Center. The trees are underlit, there's a beautiful lake outside with clear water and accenting islands, the stage is large, the peach lightings perfectly matches the venetian red at the adobe-esque, and (for the most part) beautifully played orchestrations. Exquisite!

Brr... now it's quite cold."

. . . . . posted:||10:23 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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I really feel like writing something erotic bordering on pornographic... but I'm not sure.

The computer screen has a habit of draining my creativity 'lest I'm working on something for something online something.

Something something.

. . . . . posted:||9:29 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hoy, Seri, when I call Robaruto-kun a "show-off" I'm merely teasing him. Unlike the other 95% of the class I admire his (and your own) ability to absorb nihongo so easily. Besides, why would I engage in friendly conversation with him if I couldn't stand his usage of japanese?

(and I yelled at you? I don't remember that... ^_^;; gomen nasai.)

Along the same lines... joined the Asian-Pacific Islander Club (read: japanese club) and surprise surprise 60% of the membership is filipino. We were discussing possible fundraisers and came up with stuff from DanceDanceRevolution tournaments during lunch ("but I'm afraid some husky person will break my pad!") to manipulation through annoyance ("let's play some stupid japanese songs really loud in the quad and have them pay us to turn it off!"). The president asked if anyone knew of any traditional games that certain asian cultures partake of. In regards to filipino traditions, I said "drunken karaoke!" Hardly anyone noticed or showed a sign that they heard.

Staying after to mat some of my kinko'd pieces of work tomorrow... but first I'm actually attending the first meeting of the school's GSA now called the Pride Alliance. Someone (small choir major named Sean) was ripping off the club's posters around campus. Justin (pres. of the club and self-declared queen fairy) says that if he does that to one more poster "his ass will be mine... just not in that way."

Ugh... god I feel really bad. Regretting the wrong signals I apparently emitted during the first half of the day. Regretting getting in a pissy mood while at Kinko's because my sister was being indecisive and standing in the very center of the walkway... and the bad timing since dad was in his cocky-pissy-intellectually superior-condescension mood and when we two are in those positions... caution, storm warning.

Fuck... there I go again; I feel that I have to with-hold certain ideas and opinions as to not offend people at the moment whom I know reads this. If I were a complete ass I wouldn't give a rat's ass about what they thought... but that didn't really work for me during elementary school and half of middle school.

....fuck me.... bad memories are coming back again. And can anyone tell my dad to stop playing his fucking guitar? He's not that good at it, and tends to pull it out only to spite me. But if I truly want to start a holy war, I'd show my prowess by playing the piano. Take that old man... and anyone notice that your parents act more child-like than you do? And anyone notice how annoying that is?

I don't like the pretentious art scene that has enveloped Las Vegas. Sure, whats-his-face who does all the slot-machine imagery as a symbol of religious imagery has a really good idea... but he pulls it off with lack-luster fare.

. . . . . posted:||9:21 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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I wonder if anyone at school noticed that the first meeting of the Pride Alliance (read: homo club) is on October 11th, the national Out of the Closet day. Pure coincidence? Yes, but a funny one no less.

I have a new favorite season: Indian Summer. Trapped somewhere in the midst of October where the days have yet to be chilling, the nights still soothing, and the skies are constantly set in red as the sun rises and sets. And my henna tats stopped smelling like piss and actually smell like sandalwood.

Really should be working on that stupid script... but won't. Not now. Not while reading American Gods.

Rufus Wainwright anyone? He sang le french song (or at least that's what sis and I call it; never bothered to remember the actual spelling of the words) on the Moulin Rouge soundtrack and yes, his voice shreaks "cabare." Like Holcombe Waller yet raspier and a bit more melodic... if you can imagine that.

On the bus ride home I found it hard to fall asleep so I just sat there and listened to my Love#3 cd. Couldn't peruse my XY since I was letting Theo look at it till the bus got to his stop. Sometime during the trip home the aforementioned guy and another of his fem friends started singing LeAnne Rimmes' "How Do I" song from way back when.

Speaking of singing and the line "way back when," I need to polish up my singing and acting skills. One of the few plays I actually want to participate in this year at school is Hello Dolly. Personally, someone should suggest The Invention of Love as a possible production... but on the other hand they'd sooner let us stage Rocky Horror Picture Show.

. . . . . posted:||10:28 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
So, how well do you think you know me?

Stayed after school for art club. Got some pieces back including the Prismacolor piece I did... Planning to make prints of them and sell them at the arts fest this weekend.

Definetly not prepared for presentations in Japanese first thing in the morning...but I'm going to try anyways.

. . . . . posted:||9:08 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Henna tattoos are some of the coolest things in the world. Did some intricate vine-work on my left hand encircling "Om" in the center. And the smell is so intoxicating... Mmm.

In other news, I feel like calling people up.

... Okay, screw that idea. C's not home, don't feel like disturbing Matt, and I lack the nerve to try calling DJ. I'd try calling Sarah, but I think she's in religious ed at this moment. Hope she's still trying to pursuade Nick into joining the teen choir.

... still feel like calling DJ? Sis' being the cautious advisor again ("Do I feel like calling DJ, sis?" "Nope.") so there's a lot of discouragement.

. . . . . posted:||4:33 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Tony, the hair effing rawks!

Ahem... onto another topic.

I. Effing. Hate. Favoritism.

Sure, if a teacher likes you lots the year goes by relatively easy. Best of all, you don't have to give the ass-kissing everyone under the instructor's contempt has to.

But... life becomes predictable. You get the grade, you're happy, you work on the next project. You get the grade. You're happy. But when you know that it's because the teacher likes you so... it cheapens the worth of that self-esteem booster.

On my way to the library after dad's finished catching some Z's on the couch. Need to photocopy crap from books (60 cents a page) and research a tad bit more before I can finish off my paper due tomorrow.

And after religious ed I get to henna my hands. They won't be very prominent since my skin is tanned, but still the designs will rock.

. . . . . posted:||2:14 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Can't explain quite why... but I find dress shirts incredibly sexy. The texture smoother than a cotton tee, the long mysterious sleeves, the act of slow unveiling as you undo button after button... I think it's just the general aire one gains from such attire or it could be my romantic ideas again.

Lil mistake 'bout the party. Alexus wasn't the evil ex Matt spoke of, that's some other girl. I hate it when I get my names switched.

Teen choir wasn't so bad... our first performance, and I must say about half-way through I finally started doing fine. Constantly being put on the spot by P during rehearsals doesn't boost my confidence much... neither does trying to keep your part while twenty plus other people are singing a completely different one.

After mass was over, I was helping out a bit by putting the mics back into the back room. Talked with Sarah a bit where I found out that Mr. Talent found out 'bout me. Kinda funny when I think of it... but whatever.

And along the same lines... October 11th is fast approaching. I'm contemplating whether or not to... But what I find funny are people who tell you that it's the "right thing to do" when they've never even remotely gone through the things you yourself have to put through when everything is said and done...

Dinner, and an hour and half at Borders. A few minutes after sitting down at a table with sis looking through the books and mags we collected, I feel a semi-tackle and arms around my shoulders. Lo and behold, it's Jen. With friend Zack. So, for the rest of the 90 minutes the two joined us at the table and we talked about bunches of junk (mostly art so Zack couldn't interject, but when we got to the topic of the guy working at the cafe...). Soon enough, sis and I had to leave since the parents were feeling the outside company despite their location at a table far away from us. So, said goodbye, etc. etc., and we went home.

Lately been on a book binge. Besides the books from B. Dalton, I've now got the latest issue of XY, Nikka Costa's single for "Like a Feather", a book on Schille, The Cantebury Tales, Hesse's Steppenwolf, and, an intriguing scifi book, ArchAngel. Now where will I find the time to read all that?

Failed to notice Blogger deleting last month's archives. Thankfully, I was able to get it back... or it should be back. Is it back?

Today I'll be spending the majority of the time at the library doing research for my paper for Art. Yay.

. . . . . posted:||4:19 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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So... Party at Alexus (Matt's ex). Interesting affair given that I only know two people there, one of which is deftly afraid that I'll molest her. Basically spent most of the night sitting on the couch or outside walking around a bit, but no real socializing with the general populace.

Met Karen, Matt's friend who should be going to LVA but due to certain circumstances with her parents (::coughstupidprivateschoolcough::) she wasn't even able to try out. Pity, she's quite talented and she would so fit in compared to the sheltered life she has at home. It is refreshing to meet someone who knows what the equations 1X2 or 3X4X5X13 mean... let alone that she knows the meaning of the terms uke, yaoi, lemon, and PWP. ^_^ She's so cool.

From the things I heard about her during summerschool, I was surprised that I actually got along well with her. Perhaps it's her appreciation for art... or something else which I hesitate in writing down... which let me connect with her. Could also be her complete physicality... but most of my friends are like that.

Things got interesting as the copous amounts of sugar started to take effect. Got into lewd discussions about Matt, and I acted out my former attraction to him plenty a time throughout the night... but it's all in jest. Actually... looking back at it there was a lot of sexual frankness and innuendo all throughout the night... but that's to be expected.

.... and now I must humiliate myself tonight singing as the only tenor in the teen choir. Fuck.

. . . . . posted:||9:52 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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I'm just stirring the coffee in my cup right now.

. . . . . posted:||11:36 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I am still listening to Beautiful. Too many of those songs fit my mood at this current moment... it's near uncanny.

"I'm having delusions of adequacy."

"I set low standards and constantly fail to achieve them."

I had to get some emotions out of the way, so I danced for an hour on a chair. Sort of like the Brit Spears kind of dancing, but more stripper orientated. In other words, like I was dancing for someone sitting on the chair.

"I have issues with dependency."

I got my concept approved for my assemblage piece for art. Kind of a hesitant victory since, prior to the discussion followed by the ok, my teacher spilt a bit of water on her iBook and managed to black-out the screen. That's fixable, right?

"I'm a living, breathing, contradiction. Can't live through this crucifixtion."

I finally got an answer from DJ about what kind of pic he wanted me to draw for him. He wants BJ's. Typical. While talking with him, I was introduced to Theo who, after hearing my nickname "the cynically sunny anti-pacifistic gay buddha" he said "hey! you're family!" and gave me a hug. Awkward.

I got an email from someone concerning my Utena site... what's with the resurrgance of interest in that series now?

I took erotic photos with Lauren during photo in the backroom of the art room. Now that she got a good look at the place, Lauren has dubbed M12 as the coolest room in the whole school. And yes, it is.

"I've been watching you and all you do for quite some time. Knowing all the ins and outs of you, I should have known what was on your mind..."

I want to cry, but the waterworks aren't working...

I want to spend the night under the covers of my bed, curled in the fetal position.

I want to know why the hell I have a feeling of foreboding doom with an immediate sense of depression, yet I can't pin-point a reason for it... and no, it's not about the things you think it is.

I've referred to myself enough today.

. . . . . posted:||11:32 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Yeah, the same lip thing has happened to me as well. ::takes a moment to apply more chapstick::

. . . . . posted:||11:56 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
new Emode results:

Passion Predictor

Look! Up in the air! It's a bird, it's a plane — it's you! Cape and all, you're always on call to come to your partner's rescue. And should you need to use them, your super powers can keep your honey in sight and mind.

You're living the superhero good life. What could be better than to be so needed? By tapping into your generous nature and dedication to the right relationship, you can handle romance in a single bound.

But even super dudes need a boost of self-esteem from time to time. Your intense devotion can be exhausting. Maybe you need a break from the regular routine. Because it always comes down to this: When you take care of yourself first, only then can you be truly good to your partner.

My Type

There's no such thing as too much wining and dining! You're a sucker for the Romantic. Some flowers...a nice dinner...a little music — right up your alley! Your type places his woman on a pedestal and treats her like a princess. That's exactly what you crave. Whether you need it or not, you like the reassurance that a romantic guy provides. With him, you never feel taken for granted. You don't fall for the tough-guy act — in fact, you're turned off by a guy who's not in touch with his feminine side. The sensitive male who properly courts a woman will steal your heart every time. A little traditional? Yup. A little old-fashioned? Maybe so. But did a little extradoting ever hurt anyone? Definitely not.

. . . . . posted:||11:39 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Aw. ::hug:: I'm sorry your government class are filled with asses.

::sigh:: Feeling a little pang of jealousy. The duck just makes urban-bliss seem so attractive. But, conversely, I need to learn how to with-hold information.

. . . . . posted:||8:13 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Remark my grandma made on the ridiculous religions clashing the world's been having:

"Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist... we all believe in Jesus so why don't we get along?"

Leave it to an old-fashioned mind to attempt to analyze the situation.

. . . . . posted:||7:49 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Wow, so much to say thanks to a day I forgot to write during.

First off, I've been having the most bizarre dreams lately. One involves my dad asking me if I'll burn a CD, and each time he asks I hand him a mint from this mile long roll of breathsavers in my pocket. Also, I'm busy chopping up a dog when it turns into a human head. I decide to call Lauren over and we both shrink the head together... wha?

During lunch today I was bored so I went over to go buy a fudgesickle. 'Course, Justin was talking with Mrs. M at the cashier when I bought the popsickle and started licking it... You can guess the follow comments which ensued. So I went over to where Jyl and Vee were hanging out, and they pointed out how bad that really looked. To satisfy their dirty minds, I decided to try deep-throating it. My near lack of a gag reflex came in hand, but my vocal chords suffered from the cold. That, my friends, is why they don't make those things for intrusive reasons.

Deviating from the chronological event-sharing. Right now I'm watching the London version of Jekyll and Hyde... or should I say a farce of the musical. It hardly qualifies as one now that there're a lot of speaking parts added. They even took off one of the best songs on the show which shows the true nature of the upper crust. And they added more color this time 'round, it's not as depressingly dark-lit as the original off-broadway production I saw. Not to mention that David Hasselhoff cannot at all, let alone sing! And the stage make-up attempting to give him the facade of a 20 year old isn't working well either. Sigh... why do they screw with a perfectly good musical by rewriting it. Afterall, good musicals are written, great musicals are re-written, but whoever said the rewrite was better?

Okay, back on track now. Had to go to the library during History to research our quarter projects. I was helping Claire with her project on yoga when I came across a book entitled "Essential Gay Mystics." Wha? It basically talked of gay philosophers like Aristotle, the woman from the Isle of Lesbos, Hemmingway, etc. Decided to put it back since it had little relevance to what we were searching for.

After school, I had to go to a workshop about the PSAT's. The sessions were very informative... except that the teacher who explained the math portion got the wrong answer twice while showing us how to do the problem. Not only that, he also showed us the "proper" way to do it along with the correct procedure, then turns it around with a "now here's how you do it quickly!" What? Basically, I'll be talking with my math teacher 'bout it come tomorrow.

Later, on the bus ride home, I decided to chat with Matt a bit on the old cell phone. Talked about miscellany for the most part (i.e. the inadequacy of the school district's spanish department, him bringing Binaca to school and spraying it under his tounge, my horrendous math PSAT lecture, etc.) then he mentions that one of his assignments was to name five people he admires and give three reasons why. Then he mentions that he's putting me on his list... wow. No one has told me that they admired me for any given reason, even just a little bit ( except for my sis, but that's more sarcastic admiration than sincere emotion). I'm extremely surprised.

Later on after the phone was turned off, I conversed with Gerard, Nikki, and this guy named Tony about complete miscellany (again). Tony wanted Nikki to draw him, but she gave up after about a minute, so I gave it a go. Damn, I liked the outcome a lot. I'll have to scan it and add it to my art site (along with about 15 other pics) when I find the time.

Garbage's new CD is beauty surpassing... oh wait, it's called Beautiful Garbage anyways...

Now all my troubles are focused on finishing my script for Japanese and working on that paper for Art I haven't even touched with a 20 ft. pole.


. . . . . posted:||7:45 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Am I overreacting about certain things?


I am?


. . . . . posted:||12:00 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Okee... this is one of the many reasons why I find Mr. sexy-McGregor so... sexy.

... Obligatory worshipping post.

Naturally he's oh so edible here, here, here, here, here, and here.

::sigh::... now I'll have to wait till that war-movie he's in comes out; I'll be damned if I find the man attractive with a beard. Then again...

. . . . . posted:||11:33 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
One of the scariest things I've ever had the unfortune to witness... the Indian (as in subcontinent Indian) version of "Mambo #5".

And in regards to recent thoughts... this seems very relevant. Read a few more articles from the site... but nothing too rivetting. Pity.

"... Every word that he says is a dagger in me!
In my life, there's been no one like you anywhere anywhere...
Where he is... if he asked, I'd be his."

Reactions on the season (and UPN) premiere of Buffy. Definetly one of the better season premieres Buffy has had (::shudders at the thought of the Dracula episode::) and in general it was worth the two hours dedicated to it. A few gripes though...

First off, they didn't play Dawn's barely hidden instability enough. Granted, no one wanted the episode to be all sobs and such. However, her more or less general state of emotion limbo throughout the episode didn't do too well to compensate for the breakdown she has while trying to talk to Buffy.

And another thing the Scooby gang did... They forgot the #1 rule to raising the dead; dig up the body. Otherwise the corpse in question will find a very disturbing surprise when they wake up.

Did enjoy the line Buffy has while revisiting the site of her death: "Is this hell?" The transition from a peaceful afterlife (or so I'm assuming) back to her own world of pain and torment would seem like entering Hell. The images of burning cars, defiled houses, corpses demon and human alike, and having to dig oneself out of the earth doesn't exactly help either. Then again... according to Angel's trip to Wolfram & Hart's home office, Hell is the earth we live in now. Or that people at this point are making a hell for themselves.

Surprised that I had a relatively good day today. It was crap for the most part (crap being a neutral state of awareness) till History when I was busy mucking around with Nikki and writing messages about her bf's kinky/sexy cologne/lube. Then again... I think at one point we're being completely oblivious of Ms. H.. that was a bit of an embarassment.

As for Art... I fear that the new thumbnail I've created for my piece is a bit too symbolic. Like Jen pointed out, most of the pieces are acting like scrapbooks of the experiences people feel. Nothing to flowing or telling a story. And my thumbnail's due for discussion tomorrow too. Damn.

Yes, eroticism is art. Well, tasteful images anyways. It's a celebration of the beauty of the human body. Art is not confined to symbolism, deep concepts, and political messages. Art is a voice, and a voice speaks of expressions as well as abstract thought. I just hate it when people have a very narrow-minded view on the subject.

Speaking of which, I need to get to typing up my paper for the class.

. . . . . posted:||11:04 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Now dad's trying to pry the reason for my bad mood out of my head. Like fuck I'd tell him. Especially about... that.

Lizzy: "You know, at first I was wondering why everyone liked DJ so. I mean, he's not even drop-dead gorgeous."
Chuck: "Screw you, yes he is!"
Lizzy: "Well, I mean that that's my initial reaction. But I got to talk to him and he is soo sweet."
Chuck: ::smile::

I have a theory. Currently 5 or so people have come out to me, and all the two guys have proclaimed their bisexual preference with a slight inclination towards guys. Why do you ask? Personally, I think that that part has only recently surfaced in their mindset in the past couple of years. Ere go, they feel like exploring this side of the rainbow. I wonder if it's purely just a passing phase or something more concrete. Whatever, I have no idea what it feels like to be bi.

... shoot me now or shoot me later. Bullet or morphine. I'm making no sense and I'm suppose to write an essay over night.

. . . . . posted:||9:20 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
new layout has been post-poned till further notice

(I'd give myself a day before I cave in and work on it again)

. . . . . posted:||9:08 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Matt: I'm hurt.
Chuck: Qua?
Matt: I was reading the stuff you wrote about me on your site.
Chuck: Oh that.
Matt: Yeah, in the archives.
Chuck: You took the time to read all that?
Matt: Well I wanted to read what you wrote about me.
Chuck: Ah... I'm sorry.
Matt: Yeah. You didn't mention how gorgeous I was.
Chuck: A bit egotistical aren't we?
Matt: ::laughs::
Chuck: Ahh... damn. How embarassing.

So yeah. Something like that.

Today sucked. Tried putting on that whole happy face crap thing, but by the last period of the day that facade fell through. So, for the most part of the day I've been more soft-spoken than my sis has ever been.

Art just completely knocked all confidence out of my system. First off, teacher didn't show my sketchbook as an example of an exemplary piece... which means I'm dreading the actual grade I got for that assignment. Also, she was saying how all the ideas people have been presenting her with for our conceptual piece have been very unimpressive; she's disappointed that none have yet been completely amazing. Well, one but that was about it. Got bad enough that I wrote all over my left arm, did a weird juxtaposition of words on my sketchbook, and put the only sad song on the whole QaF CD on repeat. Considering scrapping the thumbnail I have right now and going for something more challenging, more rustic and less suburban.

Also doesn't help that none of my prints for photo turned out. All either underexposed, overexposed, out of focus, or the negative had a nice fingerprint on it I didn't notice. Asked the teacher how to clean the negative so she demonstrated... and managed to scratch it in the process. Luckily none of the negatives I was actually going to use were damaged.

All throughout Algebra I was humming "Part of Your World" for no apparent reason. And I couldn't stop.

At least two things positive have happened to me today: confirmation class was cancelled and I'm learning to with-hold information again. Which in a way is good because I pour too much of my personal life out in the open, but I tend to over-compensate and may become jaded again. At least I still have those secrets that no one else but one other person knows about. The several "one other person" 's.

I don't feel like breaking the bonds of my physical existance. I'd rather just melt instead... and I'm surprised I haven't considering how my internal body heat has been over-reacting lately.

God I hope I don't get sick.

. . . . . posted:||8:58 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
... aw fuck. help?

. . . . . posted:||2:56 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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