I'm indescribably happy at the moment. The day was shit until about 8:30pm.
Boring boring mundane school day.
Got home and slept before the concert that night.
Originally the concert had Good Charlotte, Mest, and SugarCult performing but G.C and Mest both cancelled leaving SugarCult headlining with two very mediocre opening acts. No barracades this time, so it was awkward being close enough to literally molest the band. Met and chatted with an extreme SugarCult fan and a quasi-Jack-Mormon. The first band (All New Episode) gave a very disappointing performance, so everyone in my group (me, sis, Christy, Matt) stepped out until SugarCult would perform.
Meanwhile, the Cafe Roma was close by. I had heard so much about it from all of my friends who go there plenty of times that we had to go check it out. From the moment we went in we didn't exactly fit in. The guy at the counter was unconvinced of our "bohemian" status and was rather tart while we tried to order and find a table to sit at. Eventually we sat by a party of three who were busy smoking cigs and comparing russian literature pre- and post-Marxist. Occupying the little circle of sofas was a born-again-gay-christian group. An old man and his companion sang songs while he played his soulful acoustic. On the stage-tables, at least three couples were shamelessly making out. I love boho. ^_^
Afterwards, went back to see SugarCult perform. Christy, who had never heard of them, was completely blown away by their music. Just like I knew she would. However... I happened to stand directly in front of some speakers so right now my right ear can't hear anything but high-pitched humming. Still very enjoyable show though. The crowd wasn't completely energized, but experiencing one of the two opening acts, I would be too.
....
I think that just being around Matt gets me into a generally good mood. The entire sour day was completely forgotten when he met up with us infront of the concert venue. Talking about miscellany at the table while sipping "rock road" (a combination of expresso, mocha, and honey that tasted suspiciously like mead) left me smiling unstoppably. The, during the ride home, we're both in the very back seat of the van and I kind of rested on his shoulder a bit.
The bizarre thing about this whole arrangement? It's pretty effing clear that I have strong feelings for him, yet he's completely accepting of it and even jokes about it sometimes (which, depending on the day I've had, could be a bad thing).
....
Is it normal to know why you turned out the way you did at the age of 15? Well, if you've had a generally easy upbringing than that's not much of a worry... but the things that I've gone through.
I know why I'm so quick to latch onto any possible relationships. First boyfriend, although cute, sweet, and one hell of a lover, was never there for me completely. In one sense I want to recapture what we had with someone else, but I am also searching for a deeper emotional connection. Bitter experiences in middle school helped me temper a sort of defensive side. I could never fully express myself to someone because each time I tried it someone would abuse the information.
But now I'm developing severely deep-rooted friendships; an area I hadn't explored yet. Could friends really replace the need for a single, self-esteem boosting other? Is expecting a lover and potential significant other to be there for your comfort despite their own obligations asking too much? Why must everything turn back to a give-and-take situation?
.....
Going to another concert friday night with same people plus Karen. At that time I plan to talk with Matt about... things. Don't really feel like being the melodramatic queen, but I want to ask him bluntly if he knows... and he can sympathize as well. The boy happens to have a crush on a friend as well. And so does Barto...
Speaking of which, this is the first time someone from LV has spoken to one of my friends in AZ. Weird.
. . . . . posted:||1:01 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Again, frustration! The entire table cell to the right isn't there... Gr! Looking at the template, it shows the links to the right but... when I publish it it looks like such. ::mumble mumble::
... oh, ne'er mind. it's working. ^_^
(some new greeting huh?)
... oh, ne'er mind. it's working. ^_^
(some new greeting huh?)
. . . . . posted:||12:51 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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... Yeah, so I lied. It's not on the new server yet.
Right now I'm pissed/frustrated ("then why are you online blogging?!" "... shut up!") because I have a concert to watch tomorrow, I want to go to one on friday but I have no ride, and there's another one on saturday. URGH! At this rate I'll have NO money for winter formal!
Things which irritate me: little sisters playing the drums extremely badly in the background while I'm talking with someone on the phone (their lil sis, not mine), not wanting to be a bother to my dad/chauffer, not being able to go to a concert because of lack of transport, not having my driver's license yet, wallet getting emptier by the day, essays due on friday along with sketchbook pieces and artist's statements, missing applications, promises broken...
I feel like curling in a ball because I have so much crap to do.
And on top of that, I think I'm developing an eating disorder.
Right now I'm pissed/frustrated ("then why are you online blogging?!" "... shut up!") because I have a concert to watch tomorrow, I want to go to one on friday but I have no ride, and there's another one on saturday. URGH! At this rate I'll have NO money for winter formal!
Things which irritate me: little sisters playing the drums extremely badly in the background while I'm talking with someone on the phone (their lil sis, not mine), not wanting to be a bother to my dad/chauffer, not being able to go to a concert because of lack of transport, not having my driver's license yet, wallet getting emptier by the day, essays due on friday along with sketchbook pieces and artist's statements, missing applications, promises broken...
I feel like curling in a ball because I have so much crap to do.
And on top of that, I think I'm developing an eating disorder.
. . . . . posted:||9:48 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Ack... just now I finally got feeling back in my fingers. It's about 45 degrees outside, and I had to wait out there for half an hour or so. Literally, I lost all feeling in my fingers, toes, and my lips wouldn't move period. Luckily, no frost bite. But I need a new jacket if that's gonna happen.
Hey... a cold night under a streetlight... I remember that memory.
Nothing too grand happened during school today. Liz's pseudo-step-father (a fellow artist) came to talk to the class... and made us feel completely inadequate compared to his great skill with paint. Afterwards, there was art club where we prepared pieces of paper with AIDS facts for the gallery opening next thursday (from 5-8 at W. Sahara Library if you feel like going). I went to the computer lab to type up the facts, but my printer failed to function. So, I gathered several friends (Lauren, Alexa, Nicki, Nathan) and we all perused hotornot.com. ^_^ tottemo omoshirokatta yo!
Well, this is it for blogspot! Next post I'll be on Chibidave.net (which means that yes, people linked to me will have to change it again. ^_^;; sorry)
Hey... a cold night under a streetlight... I remember that memory.
Nothing too grand happened during school today. Liz's pseudo-step-father (a fellow artist) came to talk to the class... and made us feel completely inadequate compared to his great skill with paint. Afterwards, there was art club where we prepared pieces of paper with AIDS facts for the gallery opening next thursday (from 5-8 at W. Sahara Library if you feel like going). I went to the computer lab to type up the facts, but my printer failed to function. So, I gathered several friends (Lauren, Alexa, Nicki, Nathan) and we all perused hotornot.com. ^_^ tottemo omoshirokatta yo!
Well, this is it for blogspot! Next post I'll be on Chibidave.net (which means that yes, people linked to me will have to change it again. ^_^;; sorry)
. . . . . posted:||6:49 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ducky's impression of Christmas music reminds me of my own. Back in my old house we would have big two-day cleaning binges, and the family could never decide on what music to listen to. Then, during one of these occasions, dad pops in a Nat King Cole Xmas cd, and everyone went on happily cleaning. From that point on, whenever I needed music I could study/listen/remind me to clean to, I always broke out a Christmas cd (preferably one with recordings from the 50's) and managed to get all my work done.
And yes, most Christmas songs are resigned yet optimistic. Perhaps going back to the feigned joy most people are pressured to put on at this time of the year. And nice family traditions (like the music, the cleaning, and watching It's A Wonderful Life together just to laugh at sis and dad for crying at the end) are always desirable.
Speaking of which, I need to help put up the tree for this year.
And yes, most Christmas songs are resigned yet optimistic. Perhaps going back to the feigned joy most people are pressured to put on at this time of the year. And nice family traditions (like the music, the cleaning, and watching It's A Wonderful Life together just to laugh at sis and dad for crying at the end) are always desirable.
Speaking of which, I need to help put up the tree for this year.
. . . . . posted:||12:12 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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.... okay, I did NOT appreciate my dad breathing so loudly beside my ear while he was checking the b-ball score over my shoulder.
Oh, #839.
Oh, #839.
. . . . . posted:||8:11 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
My headache is reaching biblical proportions.
Funny since I was extremely happy this morning, but I think the faux euphoria from a half-hour's night's sleep wore out when I actually got some sleep later when I got home.
It's interesting how things can be mis-interpreted. Talking with Patrycja at my locker when her boyfriend comes over and grabs her arm to pull her away. I thought it was quite sweet. Later I found out that he did that because he was pissed, which ended in both of them having an argument.
The fact that I had to go to church later wasn't exactly helpful either.
And grandma is pissed that I won't eat her cooking... Am I suppose to gorge myself when I'm not really that hungry? She's the one that always gives me backhanded compliments about my weight...
It got really cold up in Vegas just a couple days ago (enough to freeze water over night) but still no snow covered mountains. Disappointed.
Meant to comment on the unusual situation last Saturday where the entire family sat around the tv watching "It's A Wonderful Life"... but I forgot what I was going to say.
And I still don't know if Matt's serious about going to winterformal with me.
Oh, moving over to chibidave.net once I get all my files organized. ^_^ Domo arigatou Dave-kun!
Funny since I was extremely happy this morning, but I think the faux euphoria from a half-hour's night's sleep wore out when I actually got some sleep later when I got home.
It's interesting how things can be mis-interpreted. Talking with Patrycja at my locker when her boyfriend comes over and grabs her arm to pull her away. I thought it was quite sweet. Later I found out that he did that because he was pissed, which ended in both of them having an argument.
The fact that I had to go to church later wasn't exactly helpful either.
And grandma is pissed that I won't eat her cooking... Am I suppose to gorge myself when I'm not really that hungry? She's the one that always gives me backhanded compliments about my weight...
It got really cold up in Vegas just a couple days ago (enough to freeze water over night) but still no snow covered mountains. Disappointed.
Meant to comment on the unusual situation last Saturday where the entire family sat around the tv watching "It's A Wonderful Life"... but I forgot what I was going to say.
And I still don't know if Matt's serious about going to winterformal with me.
Oh, moving over to chibidave.net once I get all my files organized. ^_^ Domo arigatou Dave-kun!
. . . . . posted:||8:08 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Something similar to Paul's lil dilemma (the other vamp-duck one) has happened to me. Came across this webpage... and anyone care to compare the stats? Disturbing, no? At least he can write a story.
. . . . . posted:||1:37 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Matt. Just. Called.
Only an hour's worth of conversation since he has school tomorrow (... so do I, but I'm used to staying up this late and I'm not the one with a ton of make-up work to do) but enough to liven up my mood.
And again to make me glad that I'm working so hard, I'm sore every day.
In other news, I love the music of RENT! The score does justice to the ideals of Bohemia and the show's original incarnate: La Boheme.
Hmmm... maybe I should push the soundtrack of it for a Xmas gift, along with the Utena Movie DVD and QAF: Season One. Or Silent Hill 2, Tenchu 2, FFX, ChronoCross, etc.
And as of this moment I'm saving up for a cruise to Australia or Ibiza for after-graduation. Or possibly a trip down to 'Nawleans for Mardi Gras... or 'Frisco for that matter.
Only an hour's worth of conversation since he has school tomorrow (... so do I, but I'm used to staying up this late and I'm not the one with a ton of make-up work to do) but enough to liven up my mood.
And again to make me glad that I'm working so hard, I'm sore every day.
In other news, I love the music of RENT! The score does justice to the ideals of Bohemia and the show's original incarnate: La Boheme.
Hmmm... maybe I should push the soundtrack of it for a Xmas gift, along with the Utena Movie DVD and QAF: Season One. Or Silent Hill 2, Tenchu 2, FFX, ChronoCross, etc.
And as of this moment I'm saving up for a cruise to Australia or Ibiza for after-graduation. Or possibly a trip down to 'Nawleans for Mardi Gras... or 'Frisco for that matter.
. . . . . posted:||1:13 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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::yawn:: Another sunday filled with the same-old same-old.
I had a bizarre dream last night/early morning. Dreamt that I was back at school during lunch at 9:00am chatting with the friends I usually eat lunch with, when I realize that I had a dollar that day for a drink. So I go into the cafeteria heading for the student store when I notice that half of the room is draped in satin and velvet. Luckily the student store was open so I walked in... but no one was at the cashier. I figured I should just leave my dollar by the cashier and grab the Diet Coke w/ Lemon I usually get... when I realize that the soda cooler was locked. Grabbed back my dollar and went outside. Afterwards started following DJ around while he talked to all my former crushes... and then I woke up. Hn?
My extremely eventful day will be spent working on my painting for art... goody goody.
And I need to get another Juliana Theory or OLP cd. Or better yet: Silent Hill 2.
And as my friend Jacob put it: "Sharing gay porn is suppose to be a type of bonding experience."
I had a bizarre dream last night/early morning. Dreamt that I was back at school during lunch at 9:00am chatting with the friends I usually eat lunch with, when I realize that I had a dollar that day for a drink. So I go into the cafeteria heading for the student store when I notice that half of the room is draped in satin and velvet. Luckily the student store was open so I walked in... but no one was at the cashier. I figured I should just leave my dollar by the cashier and grab the Diet Coke w/ Lemon I usually get... when I realize that the soda cooler was locked. Grabbed back my dollar and went outside. Afterwards started following DJ around while he talked to all my former crushes... and then I woke up. Hn?
My extremely eventful day will be spent working on my painting for art... goody goody.
And I need to get another Juliana Theory or OLP cd. Or better yet: Silent Hill 2.
And as my friend Jacob put it: "Sharing gay porn is suppose to be a type of bonding experience."
. . . . . posted:||12:49 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Well, looks like DS.org is being sunk. Hopefully I can help it get back on it's feet (or at least run for another month so I just don't fall off the face of cyberspace) so that I could let those who do read this know.
For now, I'm putting this blog on Blogspot.com till I can find another host so that I won't be a burden on Rica-san.
For now, I'm putting this blog on Blogspot.com till I can find another host so that I won't be a burden on Rica-san.
. . . . . posted:||9:01 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Nope, today's not shaping out so great either.
And come Sunday I think I'll be completely deaf. Lately I've just been listening to my CD player on full blast while ignoring my family around me. Living in your headphones is so much fun.
Currently trying to think up a poem/song/layout with the phrase: "Even a dream of you is better than nothing."
Also figuring out plans for Winter Formal coming up. I need outfit, dinner, ride, money. Date has already been taken care of... at least I think so...
And come Sunday I think I'll be completely deaf. Lately I've just been listening to my CD player on full blast while ignoring my family around me. Living in your headphones is so much fun.
Currently trying to think up a poem/song/layout with the phrase: "Even a dream of you is better than nothing."
Also figuring out plans for Winter Formal coming up. I need outfit, dinner, ride, money. Date has already been taken care of... at least I think so...
. . . . . posted:||5:16 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Goddamn, I'm going to bed before I post another short blurb. Damn you the people whom I envy.
. . . . . posted:||1:26 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
::sigh:: This sounds like me at the moment:
tv dinner + mashed potatoes shaped like a turkey + frozen peas + a slice of bread = a date with the toilet (i got so far as putting my finger down my throat again, but managed to convince myself i could dismiss this as a special occasion, so i now i feel like i may well puke involuntarily) and something approaching... forgot where i was going with that.
tv dinner + mashed potatoes shaped like a turkey + frozen peas + a slice of bread = a date with the toilet (i got so far as putting my finger down my throat again, but managed to convince myself i could dismiss this as a special occasion, so i now i feel like i may well puke involuntarily) and something approaching... forgot where i was going with that.
. . . . . posted:||1:20 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
:WARNING: volatile mood at the moment
Mind your manners, don't offend me with your flatulance, speak only with perfect grammar, 'least you want me to cut you up with a spatula.
The Incubus concert tonight was amazing... but again, don't exactly feel all that verbose at the moment. Let's just say that I was about to fully release some pent-up and/or latent violent emotions by singing along with Brandon Boyd as loud as I could.
Expecting all that release to have a positive effect? Yes it did. Till I got into Christy's car and couldn't cuss at all (saying "crap" in their family is a mortal sin) which means that talking was mundane and minimal.
To make matters worse, my bedroom door was locked because relatives showed up today while I was gone, so I had to wait half an hour till the parents came to unlock it. Which means at this moment I haven't the energy to workout at all today, and lordy knows I need to to boost my esteem since I pigged out during lunch. I disgust myself with the things I do and say sometimes.
And no I won't even stretch out because parents are in the same room. Seeing me stretching out, they'll start asking "why" questions which'll eventually lead to the empty and cliche praises of me "taking charge of my life." Fuck.
If anyone bothers me while I sulk in my room tonight, I'll wrap a belt around their neck and burst their trachea.
..... Matt? Come back soon?
I'm becoming unstable again....
Mind your manners, don't offend me with your flatulance, speak only with perfect grammar, 'least you want me to cut you up with a spatula.
The Incubus concert tonight was amazing... but again, don't exactly feel all that verbose at the moment. Let's just say that I was about to fully release some pent-up and/or latent violent emotions by singing along with Brandon Boyd as loud as I could.
Expecting all that release to have a positive effect? Yes it did. Till I got into Christy's car and couldn't cuss at all (saying "crap" in their family is a mortal sin) which means that talking was mundane and minimal.
To make matters worse, my bedroom door was locked because relatives showed up today while I was gone, so I had to wait half an hour till the parents came to unlock it. Which means at this moment I haven't the energy to workout at all today, and lordy knows I need to to boost my esteem since I pigged out during lunch. I disgust myself with the things I do and say sometimes.
And no I won't even stretch out because parents are in the same room. Seeing me stretching out, they'll start asking "why" questions which'll eventually lead to the empty and cliche praises of me "taking charge of my life." Fuck.
If anyone bothers me while I sulk in my room tonight, I'll wrap a belt around their neck and burst their trachea.
..... Matt? Come back soon?
I'm becoming unstable again....
. . . . . posted:||1:15 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Good lordy. At the moment the party's going full swing and everyone's singing N*Sync songs extremely loudly. And there's been far too much food prepared for the three families that've shown up.
. . . . . posted:||7:57 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
... I was about to write about how the Macy's parade always reminded me of care-free vacations to grandma's while I still lived in AZ, but then Tim Curry as Scrooge came on singing and I couldn't stop laughing/gawfawing. And with those muttonchops he looks like a human Grinch. Heheheee
Hrm... happy am I? Yes. For superficial reasons? Yes. What are they? 10 lbs down the drain and added muscle mass. But if I ever become a full-fledged gym queen complete with work-out card, shoot me.
Heard that Hallmark's doing a miniseries of Dinotopia. ^_^ I loved that book; it was a staple read for me when I was in second grade (even though the advanced vocabulary was at the time undecipherable... but hey, the illustrations were superb)(and so are the short novel series).
Ack. Need to get ready for the party soon. Which means: set up N64 in grandma's room, dress up, finish up work on the computer, locate ear plugs and have them on hand at every second when the uncles start singing, get the key for my room, grab the phone, and hole myself up in there till I thirst.
I love the holiday season.
Hrm... happy am I? Yes. For superficial reasons? Yes. What are they? 10 lbs down the drain and added muscle mass. But if I ever become a full-fledged gym queen complete with work-out card, shoot me.
Heard that Hallmark's doing a miniseries of Dinotopia. ^_^ I loved that book; it was a staple read for me when I was in second grade (even though the advanced vocabulary was at the time undecipherable... but hey, the illustrations were superb)(and so are the short novel series).
Ack. Need to get ready for the party soon. Which means: set up N64 in grandma's room, dress up, finish up work on the computer, locate ear plugs and have them on hand at every second when the uncles start singing, get the key for my room, grab the phone, and hole myself up in there till I thirst.
I love the holiday season.
. . . . . posted:||11:47 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Nyargh. The server being down is making me slack a bit on my blogging.
First off, in the past day (Wednesday) I've had many disappointments.
Photos came out completely grey (hardly black/white contrast) but since it was due today, I couldn't do much to change that. Not to mention that the pictures of Matt look completely horrendous which I print them big... Next time, it's 100speed film for better quality. And I should have done more facial shots.
I mumbled/fumbled through my piece presentation during art, and ended up taking almost 20 minutes for my explanation (even made some other people fall asleep). Didn't feel good about myself at all... especially about getting nervous over such a small thing.
Afterschool they posted the cast list for Hello Dolly... and I wasn't on it. Bittersweet since I don't think I could make all the rehearsals, but I still wanted to perform.
And now I completely eff'd up my acrylic painting so I'll have to do the entire section over again... Not to mention that my mother with her semi-FOB english is trying to correct the english assignment/sonnet which I mistakingly left lying around.
Tomorrow half the family will be coming. I'll be locked up in my room listening to music and bidding them go away.
... Yes, half a week without a word has almost been unbarable. I slipped a large print of Matt from one of my negatives into my art folder, and was constantly showing it to different people asking their opinion about the "mystery boy"... that or bitch and moan to those who know the entire story.
I'm tired. I need sleep.
....
Can someone get me the hell out of this place?
First off, in the past day (Wednesday) I've had many disappointments.
Photos came out completely grey (hardly black/white contrast) but since it was due today, I couldn't do much to change that. Not to mention that the pictures of Matt look completely horrendous which I print them big... Next time, it's 100speed film for better quality. And I should have done more facial shots.
I mumbled/fumbled through my piece presentation during art, and ended up taking almost 20 minutes for my explanation (even made some other people fall asleep). Didn't feel good about myself at all... especially about getting nervous over such a small thing.
Afterschool they posted the cast list for Hello Dolly... and I wasn't on it. Bittersweet since I don't think I could make all the rehearsals, but I still wanted to perform.
And now I completely eff'd up my acrylic painting so I'll have to do the entire section over again... Not to mention that my mother with her semi-FOB english is trying to correct the english assignment/sonnet which I mistakingly left lying around.
Tomorrow half the family will be coming. I'll be locked up in my room listening to music and bidding them go away.
... Yes, half a week without a word has almost been unbarable. I slipped a large print of Matt from one of my negatives into my art folder, and was constantly showing it to different people asking their opinion about the "mystery boy"... that or bitch and moan to those who know the entire story.
I'm tired. I need sleep.
....
Can someone get me the hell out of this place?
. . . . . posted:||11:58 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Anyone care to notice that things go so fucking wrong around Thanksgiving time?
Losing inspiration/motivation/confidence again in my own artwork (big surprise there). Half of my friends are having a really shitty time (which gets me depressed) while the other half have so much good stuff going for them (which gets me depressed because I envy their luck).
Today started bad enough. First off, Japanese class. Always the boring experience, coupled with my being oh so sleepy, and getting chosen to play "Helga, the Dutch Maid" for the little exercise we did. Blech. Caught myself sneaking glances at Will today... and that's not good.
In photo, I've gotten most of my prints done (just need two more + spotting) but I got a bit pissy because there were scratches on my negatives. I left one of my photos with a page from my little book of poems lying around, so Natalie and friends started reading it. Ironic that the subject of that entry (Matt) was lying next to it on a different picture. Also, printing those pictures of Matt didn't exactly help an awful lot... God, I'm such a perfectionist.
Afterwards, Algebra 2. Just more boring notes and going over homework. Claire and I made suggestive hand motions (her with her corn on a cob, me with the leg of my desk) back at eachother when we got extremely bored.
During lunch DJ was back. For the most part of lunch we hung around eachother, talking and joking. He kept on teasing me and it wasn't fun at all... to the tune of Ms. Aguilera's "I Turn to You" no less ("for a Chuck, to-o s*ck, and to f*ck" "gawd! shut up already!"). Then he started telling me of his plans to go back to his regular highschool because choir isn't fun. In a way, it's a good thing if he did, but I'd still rather not have that happen. I guess he just doesn't want to deal with some people from the school.
Second half of Algebra. More mundane-ness. Zack said hi in a really friendly tone and that helped to raise my spirits a bit.
In Art we had presentations of people's pieces... the thing is, we're suppose to critique each presentation and decide whether that person's piece should enter the gallery show. I felt really bad about being honestly brutal to the people who really didn't have a lot to offer.
. . .
I guess the only reason that taking driving lessons again (besides the obvious inconveniences of having them during the weekend) sickens me is that my dad doesn't think that I can drive. Hell, I can drive! Better than he can at that! But no... I have to suffer quietly since I still have some filial piety within me. I'm just not given enough chances to prove myself.
. . .
In other news, I feel extreme sympathy for Jacob. In a fit of emotion, he came out to his mother last sunday who, after being told explicitly not to, shared this information with his father. So now his fundamental Lutheran parents are having him take a physical to correct the hormonal imbalances which are causing his attraction to men... ::extremely tight hug:: Wish I could be there more for you besides just being a voice over the telephone.
. . .
I'm lonely. Normally I'd be talking to Matt at about this time of the day (or later at night) but he's out on his cruise stuck with his family. And I doubt his cell phone will work that far away from the U.S.
Not to mention that I'm completely sick with envy because he's working out a lot which'll add more to his already delectable figure. Whereas here I am, stuck in my old shell. To be honest, I think one of the reasons that he doesn't want to be my boyfriend (or atleast hasn't explicitly said it) is because I'm not a perfect Adonis.
So I'm risking anorexia/bulemia, exhaustion from exercise, starvation, and general superficiality to give myself a better chance.
... or I could try my old tactic with Eric, since I know for a fact that Matt can appreciate poetry. But I don't want to risk it...
Which is why Jacob's becoming more of my confidant because he's pining for two of his friends as I do with Matt. So he can sympathize with the longing and the small moments that we steal for ourselves.
I remember when Matt and I told eachother everything... but lately our phone conversations basically consist of him playing FFTactics and me guiding him along while attempting to make conversation. When I manage to call him while he's not doing anything, I try to talk more as well but he's often tired. And when I push for information about his latest crush (and his two stalkers) he gives the vaguest answer.
. . .
Ugh. Forgive me.
I think I've just turned into a stereotypical Emo boy.
Which is funny because I can like Emo and Heavy Metal/ Speed Metal (Megadeth!) at the same time...
But I digress...
(on a side note: sympathy goes out to all those I know who needs it. it's not pity because I'm not saying it in a condescending manner.)
Losing inspiration/motivation/confidence again in my own artwork (big surprise there). Half of my friends are having a really shitty time (which gets me depressed) while the other half have so much good stuff going for them (which gets me depressed because I envy their luck).
Today started bad enough. First off, Japanese class. Always the boring experience, coupled with my being oh so sleepy, and getting chosen to play "Helga, the Dutch Maid" for the little exercise we did. Blech. Caught myself sneaking glances at Will today... and that's not good.
In photo, I've gotten most of my prints done (just need two more + spotting) but I got a bit pissy because there were scratches on my negatives. I left one of my photos with a page from my little book of poems lying around, so Natalie and friends started reading it. Ironic that the subject of that entry (Matt) was lying next to it on a different picture. Also, printing those pictures of Matt didn't exactly help an awful lot... God, I'm such a perfectionist.
Afterwards, Algebra 2. Just more boring notes and going over homework. Claire and I made suggestive hand motions (her with her corn on a cob, me with the leg of my desk) back at eachother when we got extremely bored.
During lunch DJ was back. For the most part of lunch we hung around eachother, talking and joking. He kept on teasing me and it wasn't fun at all... to the tune of Ms. Aguilera's "I Turn to You" no less ("for a Chuck, to-o s*ck, and to f*ck" "gawd! shut up already!"). Then he started telling me of his plans to go back to his regular highschool because choir isn't fun. In a way, it's a good thing if he did, but I'd still rather not have that happen. I guess he just doesn't want to deal with some people from the school.
Second half of Algebra. More mundane-ness. Zack said hi in a really friendly tone and that helped to raise my spirits a bit.
In Art we had presentations of people's pieces... the thing is, we're suppose to critique each presentation and decide whether that person's piece should enter the gallery show. I felt really bad about being honestly brutal to the people who really didn't have a lot to offer.
. . .
I guess the only reason that taking driving lessons again (besides the obvious inconveniences of having them during the weekend) sickens me is that my dad doesn't think that I can drive. Hell, I can drive! Better than he can at that! But no... I have to suffer quietly since I still have some filial piety within me. I'm just not given enough chances to prove myself.
. . .
In other news, I feel extreme sympathy for Jacob. In a fit of emotion, he came out to his mother last sunday who, after being told explicitly not to, shared this information with his father. So now his fundamental Lutheran parents are having him take a physical to correct the hormonal imbalances which are causing his attraction to men... ::extremely tight hug:: Wish I could be there more for you besides just being a voice over the telephone.
. . .
I'm lonely. Normally I'd be talking to Matt at about this time of the day (or later at night) but he's out on his cruise stuck with his family. And I doubt his cell phone will work that far away from the U.S.
Not to mention that I'm completely sick with envy because he's working out a lot which'll add more to his already delectable figure. Whereas here I am, stuck in my old shell. To be honest, I think one of the reasons that he doesn't want to be my boyfriend (or atleast hasn't explicitly said it) is because I'm not a perfect Adonis.
So I'm risking anorexia/bulemia, exhaustion from exercise, starvation, and general superficiality to give myself a better chance.
... or I could try my old tactic with Eric, since I know for a fact that Matt can appreciate poetry. But I don't want to risk it...
Which is why Jacob's becoming more of my confidant because he's pining for two of his friends as I do with Matt. So he can sympathize with the longing and the small moments that we steal for ourselves.
I remember when Matt and I told eachother everything... but lately our phone conversations basically consist of him playing FFTactics and me guiding him along while attempting to make conversation. When I manage to call him while he's not doing anything, I try to talk more as well but he's often tired. And when I push for information about his latest crush (and his two stalkers) he gives the vaguest answer.
. . .
Ugh. Forgive me.
I think I've just turned into a stereotypical Emo boy.
Which is funny because I can like Emo and Heavy Metal/ Speed Metal (Megadeth!) at the same time...
But I digress...
(on a side note: sympathy goes out to all those I know who needs it. it's not pity because I'm not saying it in a condescending manner.)
. . . . . posted:||3:42 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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::smiles:: Just when I start to get disinterested with the whole techno movement, I take a listen of BT's new release. Perfect fusion of synthetics and melody since A Ha's "Take On Me." (me listening to 80's music and liking it? who'd have thought?) ^_^
I feel a bit guilty. Here I go on and on rambling about the pains of my own life while not commenting on others'. That doesn't mean that I acknowledge them, but it feels like I don't if I don't mention them sometime. Ergh, hard to put what I want to say into effective word combinations.
Furthermore, I missed the Leonid meteor shower!... not that I could probably see it, but still...
Well, guess I should dispel some of my guilt.
Justin: Had his gay fashion (read: drag) show on friday and, not surprisingly, his mom and grandma were the only parents in the audience that night. Wish I could've gone and seen it but 1) piano lessons and 2) no ride.
Which reminds me, my dad is thinking of signing my sis and I up for more driving lessons. It's his own effing fault for not letting us drive much, let alone that he should NEVER teach anyone how to drive. Funny thing is, he points in the direction he wants you to go in, sometimes covering your range of view, and uses such ubiquitous references as "go there"... and he get's annoyed whenever the grandma does the same thing. Someone should tell the man that bullying someone isn't the way to teach others how to drive.
Why don't I tell him that? Because I happen to enjoy my many/few privileges. Hmm... maybe if one of my older friends lived closer to me, I could have them supervise my driving instead of him.
Nick: Trying to find a way to come out to his extremely mormon parents. Ganbatte!
Liz: Currently staring at the senior art major who occupies the back room of the art room. An old crush that has resurfaced since last year.
DJ: Still sick (taking five antibiotics) with tonscilitis... or however one spells it. Hope he gets better soon.
Falvey: Obsessing over a freshmen art major who formerly dated Liz.
Nikki: Currently happy with Will, but still desperate for an ego boost after Cooper dumped her.
Leilani: Going after the only guy in her group at lunch who happens to be more superficial than she and weighs 15 lbs. less... and if you know the girl, that's next to impossible.
Danica: Formerly homophobic now turned bisexual with a girlfriend. Jyl's jealous.
Jyl: Finally over her Kittie obsession, still getting stalked by someone online, mom's thinking of pulling her out of our school by the end of this semester ("that school made my baby into a dyke!" "mom! I'm only half!"), and is just finding out the pains of an extreme infatuation.
I need to find out how to contact Karen sometime. Unfortunately... Matt's off on his cruise so his cell phone won't work, I don't know her last name, and I fear that I'll get so supremely annoyed by Cristin if I ever talk to her again.
Christy: Family ties disintegrating.
Paul: Relationship with Joe at the moment is a bit strained. ::hug:: Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be okay... well, seeing how I can't really be sure, I'm hoping for it then.
I have to go to a relative's b-day party, but I feel much more inclined to work on my sketchbook assignment (a piece concerning an oxymoron; mine's "alone together") instead. Grrr.
And I'm too lazy to go re-duct tape my backpack at the moment. Not to mention go to Japanese first thing in the morning tomorrow. Blech.
I feel a bit guilty. Here I go on and on rambling about the pains of my own life while not commenting on others'. That doesn't mean that I acknowledge them, but it feels like I don't if I don't mention them sometime. Ergh, hard to put what I want to say into effective word combinations.
Furthermore, I missed the Leonid meteor shower!... not that I could probably see it, but still...
Well, guess I should dispel some of my guilt.
Justin: Had his gay fashion (read: drag) show on friday and, not surprisingly, his mom and grandma were the only parents in the audience that night. Wish I could've gone and seen it but 1) piano lessons and 2) no ride.
Which reminds me, my dad is thinking of signing my sis and I up for more driving lessons. It's his own effing fault for not letting us drive much, let alone that he should NEVER teach anyone how to drive. Funny thing is, he points in the direction he wants you to go in, sometimes covering your range of view, and uses such ubiquitous references as "go there"... and he get's annoyed whenever the grandma does the same thing. Someone should tell the man that bullying someone isn't the way to teach others how to drive.
Why don't I tell him that? Because I happen to enjoy my many/few privileges. Hmm... maybe if one of my older friends lived closer to me, I could have them supervise my driving instead of him.
Nick: Trying to find a way to come out to his extremely mormon parents. Ganbatte!
Liz: Currently staring at the senior art major who occupies the back room of the art room. An old crush that has resurfaced since last year.
DJ: Still sick (taking five antibiotics) with tonscilitis... or however one spells it. Hope he gets better soon.
Falvey: Obsessing over a freshmen art major who formerly dated Liz.
Nikki: Currently happy with Will, but still desperate for an ego boost after Cooper dumped her.
Leilani: Going after the only guy in her group at lunch who happens to be more superficial than she and weighs 15 lbs. less... and if you know the girl, that's next to impossible.
Danica: Formerly homophobic now turned bisexual with a girlfriend. Jyl's jealous.
Jyl: Finally over her Kittie obsession, still getting stalked by someone online, mom's thinking of pulling her out of our school by the end of this semester ("that school made my baby into a dyke!" "mom! I'm only half!"), and is just finding out the pains of an extreme infatuation.
I need to find out how to contact Karen sometime. Unfortunately... Matt's off on his cruise so his cell phone won't work, I don't know her last name, and I fear that I'll get so supremely annoyed by Cristin if I ever talk to her again.
Christy: Family ties disintegrating.
Paul: Relationship with Joe at the moment is a bit strained. ::hug:: Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be okay... well, seeing how I can't really be sure, I'm hoping for it then.
I have to go to a relative's b-day party, but I feel much more inclined to work on my sketchbook assignment (a piece concerning an oxymoron; mine's "alone together") instead. Grrr.
And I'm too lazy to go re-duct tape my backpack at the moment. Not to mention go to Japanese first thing in the morning tomorrow. Blech.
. . . . . posted:||11:07 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Harh... Blogger or server is acting up yet again.
. . . . . posted:||10:26 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Ah... a night of entertainment, no?
Day began with me sleeping in so not only was I a bit late and lost an hour's worth of working time on my art project, but I was suppose to call Matt at about 5:00am to keep him company while he packed his things for the cruise he's taking at this very moment.
Finally! My project is nearing completion (at 98%) and all I need is one lunch period to refine all the little things that I can. Other people at attendence: Justin, Liz, Circus, Vee, Ashley, Usagi and sis. Overall, a better experience than working on it during class... mainly because it's not crowded. Learned several interesting things about those people aforementioned through various conversations.
Later, had my hair cut so it's shorter (I can hear better!) so now my neck isn't quite as hurtful as usual. Ran into Nick and Mica along with my two piano teachers.
Then had dinner at a filipino restaurant where sis learned that the G.C. show is cancelled. Damn! I was looking forward to it too!
Lastly, saw the school's production of Honk!, a musical loosely based on "The Ugly Duckling" which was done extremely well. Albeit I can't stand the lead actor, the cast was generally amazing. Friend Taylor made quite the humorous turkey I may say. Hell, the guy who plays the Cat was so completely feline I couldn't help but get turned on a bit... Not to mention that when he "plays with his food" (the ugly duckling) it looks more like a scene from Queer As Folk. Especially since the guy had an open-chest shirt on... Oh, guess I need to explain the costuming. Everyone wasn't dressed up in trite animal suits, but instead they dressed up like members of the 50's sock-hop or the flappers of the roaring 20's. Only dialogue from the story, their actions, and the type of shoes they wore (ducks had orange books, chickens yellow boots with heels, etc.). Not to mention that the second main character (the mother duck Ida) sounded like a white Lea Salonga.
And now... I have to get my daily half-hour's crunch time on the home gym done.
Day began with me sleeping in so not only was I a bit late and lost an hour's worth of working time on my art project, but I was suppose to call Matt at about 5:00am to keep him company while he packed his things for the cruise he's taking at this very moment.
Finally! My project is nearing completion (at 98%) and all I need is one lunch period to refine all the little things that I can. Other people at attendence: Justin, Liz, Circus, Vee, Ashley, Usagi and sis. Overall, a better experience than working on it during class... mainly because it's not crowded. Learned several interesting things about those people aforementioned through various conversations.
Later, had my hair cut so it's shorter (I can hear better!) so now my neck isn't quite as hurtful as usual. Ran into Nick and Mica along with my two piano teachers.
Then had dinner at a filipino restaurant where sis learned that the G.C. show is cancelled. Damn! I was looking forward to it too!
Lastly, saw the school's production of Honk!, a musical loosely based on "The Ugly Duckling" which was done extremely well. Albeit I can't stand the lead actor, the cast was generally amazing. Friend Taylor made quite the humorous turkey I may say. Hell, the guy who plays the Cat was so completely feline I couldn't help but get turned on a bit... Not to mention that when he "plays with his food" (the ugly duckling) it looks more like a scene from Queer As Folk. Especially since the guy had an open-chest shirt on... Oh, guess I need to explain the costuming. Everyone wasn't dressed up in trite animal suits, but instead they dressed up like members of the 50's sock-hop or the flappers of the roaring 20's. Only dialogue from the story, their actions, and the type of shoes they wore (ducks had orange books, chickens yellow boots with heels, etc.). Not to mention that the second main character (the mother duck Ida) sounded like a white Lea Salonga.
And now... I have to get my daily half-hour's crunch time on the home gym done.
. . . . . posted:||10:36 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
So, the grand and evil art paper has been vanquished. All I need now is to finish up my piece for art (thus the going-to-school-at-8am-on-a-saturday level of dedication) which I can accomplish within the four hours given. And at this moment I am happy.
On a side note, I've written something competent within the last day:
What would life be, if it were not a song?
What could replace the vast music of days
Living measure to next, caught in the throng
Unknown rhythm and what its beat portrays
High notes which soar, fueled by moment’s delight
Mirrors the glee one finds within turmoil
Forbade the tone low with sorrow, drowned plight
Quiet’s white sheets do one’s bitter tears soil
To swell, to gorge, passion’s hurried tempo
Danza that shows lovers entwined, unmade
To mourn, to loss, final your breath, the slow
The last refrain, chorus soften and fade
Life is the verse we sing to those who’ll hear
Our tales, our loves, our want, our joy, our fear.
Eh... so I didn't make callbacks for Hello Dolly. Which is good because then I can completely dedicate myself to the big portraiture unit coming up in art.
Erm, tired. Very. No sleep except during the ride home...
On a side note, I've written something competent within the last day:
What would life be, if it were not a song?
What could replace the vast music of days
Living measure to next, caught in the throng
Unknown rhythm and what its beat portrays
High notes which soar, fueled by moment’s delight
Mirrors the glee one finds within turmoil
Forbade the tone low with sorrow, drowned plight
Quiet’s white sheets do one’s bitter tears soil
To swell, to gorge, passion’s hurried tempo
Danza that shows lovers entwined, unmade
To mourn, to loss, final your breath, the slow
The last refrain, chorus soften and fade
Life is the verse we sing to those who’ll hear
Our tales, our loves, our want, our joy, our fear.
Eh... so I didn't make callbacks for Hello Dolly. Which is good because then I can completely dedicate myself to the big portraiture unit coming up in art.
Erm, tired. Very. No sleep except during the ride home...
. . . . . posted:||2:16 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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I'm being a nuisance to everyone again.
And Matt's off to a family cruise tomorrow so I haven't had time to say sorry yet.
Once more I did something that I never swore I'd do again... and it disgusts me.
Christy, get a cell phone. It's annoying to always hear "Can you call her back? I'm on the phone right now." from your sis everytime I try to call.
I could beat myself up for all the self-promises I've broken.
I know all the emotions I've been feeling/feigning have been pure illusion.
I know I'm not making any sense at the moment.
I know I won't be able to finish my art piece by the deadline (monday) let alone the paper due tomorrow.
I don't know when I should call people I want to talk to. Out of the 20+ numbers in my phone book, I've only called three of them. Lauren, when can I inconvenience you like I do all my other friends?
And I think I've killed my vocal chords for about half a week.
And Matt's off to a family cruise tomorrow so I haven't had time to say sorry yet.
Once more I did something that I never swore I'd do again... and it disgusts me.
Christy, get a cell phone. It's annoying to always hear "Can you call her back? I'm on the phone right now." from your sis everytime I try to call.
I could beat myself up for all the self-promises I've broken.
I know all the emotions I've been feeling/feigning have been pure illusion.
I know I'm not making any sense at the moment.
I know I won't be able to finish my art piece by the deadline (monday) let alone the paper due tomorrow.
I don't know when I should call people I want to talk to. Out of the 20+ numbers in my phone book, I've only called three of them. Lauren, when can I inconvenience you like I do all my other friends?
And I think I've killed my vocal chords for about half a week.
. . . . . posted:||9:50 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Erm... ouch? Currently starting up a work-out binge which, thanks to it's (current) ease, I imagine will be easy to follow. I need to work on discipline anyways. So, stretches for 15 minutes and then working on my arms for about 20 minutes... which surprisingly goes by pretty fast.
I guess the main reason why I try to avoid working out at home/at all (besides the obvious tiring experience) is the fact that my family has a whole "good for you!" attitude about it and thus exhibit far too much enthusiasm. Hell, whenever they start exhibiting too much interests in my activities, I tend to stop doing them (ex. tennis lessons, basketball, learning how to rollerblade/skate, chess, etc.) for fear that my parents would drive me further down the path. And I know my grandma loathes having a grandson who isn't physically fit... but at least I'm smart enough to be respectable in her eyes.
Time to be a bit frank. (well, not really, but I'm exposing myself a bit here) The majority of weight I put on happened during middleschool. Was already a little bit overweight when going out of elementary school, but the introduction of school sports teams, jocks, and the option of skipping P.E. for a year to take Choir left me wanting a lot of comfort food. Not to mention that I acted like the usual homophobe most boys that age are suppose to be... and when people start contradicting themselves in the worst ways...
To be succinct, those were the worst years of my life thus far.
Used to take karate (brown belt nearing black belt) and that helped me maintain figure/ relieve stress but my dad began forgetting about the lessons and I wasn't amused that he deprived me of a chance to attain a higher rank... Hell, the first lesson he forgot to bring me to was the test for a blackbelt so I had to wait another year before advancing more.
Seeing how many people were actually fit at the dance auditions for Hello Dolly was the final push. I know for a fact that I can dance (several years in choir proving that fact) but... it's hard to be graceful while packing 200+ lbs. And I do have muscle... you just can't tell that easily. What bugs me even more is that some people who saw me audition won't even talk to me since I messed up during the second time my group had to do it...
But as I said before, I need to learn discipline. Can't go on exercising binges as a reaction to something that's happened, it must become habit. Like brushing your teeth or taking a shower in the morning and night. (and about the showers, I can now see why Brady likes 'em so)
Fuck, I'd be satisfied being at the weight I was last year at this time.
Actually, no I wouldn't.
Because I'm tired of being "just cute."
And this isn't just libido talking.
(::smacks everyone who starts snickering::)
In other news... it's sad how many people are turning to Emo music as a new alternative to declare their position as outcasts of society. Personally, I like the sound so I'll be listening to it for many a time to come.
But... one gripe. Could you please tell Hot Topic to stop selling purposely faded sweaters? It's bad enough that H.T. has the same status in my school that A.E. or Abecrombie have in others.
... Since when did Mr. Rags sell ghetto-fab?
. . .
Ugh...
I guess the main reason why I try to avoid working out at home/at all (besides the obvious tiring experience) is the fact that my family has a whole "good for you!" attitude about it and thus exhibit far too much enthusiasm. Hell, whenever they start exhibiting too much interests in my activities, I tend to stop doing them (ex. tennis lessons, basketball, learning how to rollerblade/skate, chess, etc.) for fear that my parents would drive me further down the path. And I know my grandma loathes having a grandson who isn't physically fit... but at least I'm smart enough to be respectable in her eyes.
Time to be a bit frank. (well, not really, but I'm exposing myself a bit here) The majority of weight I put on happened during middleschool. Was already a little bit overweight when going out of elementary school, but the introduction of school sports teams, jocks, and the option of skipping P.E. for a year to take Choir left me wanting a lot of comfort food. Not to mention that I acted like the usual homophobe most boys that age are suppose to be... and when people start contradicting themselves in the worst ways...
To be succinct, those were the worst years of my life thus far.
Used to take karate (brown belt nearing black belt) and that helped me maintain figure/ relieve stress but my dad began forgetting about the lessons and I wasn't amused that he deprived me of a chance to attain a higher rank... Hell, the first lesson he forgot to bring me to was the test for a blackbelt so I had to wait another year before advancing more.
Seeing how many people were actually fit at the dance auditions for Hello Dolly was the final push. I know for a fact that I can dance (several years in choir proving that fact) but... it's hard to be graceful while packing 200+ lbs. And I do have muscle... you just can't tell that easily. What bugs me even more is that some people who saw me audition won't even talk to me since I messed up during the second time my group had to do it...
But as I said before, I need to learn discipline. Can't go on exercising binges as a reaction to something that's happened, it must become habit. Like brushing your teeth or taking a shower in the morning and night. (and about the showers, I can now see why Brady likes 'em so)
Fuck, I'd be satisfied being at the weight I was last year at this time.
Actually, no I wouldn't.
Because I'm tired of being "just cute."
And this isn't just libido talking.
(::smacks everyone who starts snickering::)
In other news... it's sad how many people are turning to Emo music as a new alternative to declare their position as outcasts of society. Personally, I like the sound so I'll be listening to it for many a time to come.
But... one gripe. Could you please tell Hot Topic to stop selling purposely faded sweaters? It's bad enough that H.T. has the same status in my school that A.E. or Abecrombie have in others.
... Since when did Mr. Rags sell ghetto-fab?
. . .
Ugh...
. . . . . posted:||11:20 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
So, what am I doing at 5:00pm at night?
(... and yes, it's that dark already)
I'm online reading blogs and avoiding my math and japanese homeworks (iya na shukudai yo!) which I really should get around doing... erm, in the case of japanese, finding since I seem to have misplaced my vocab (tango) cards (carudo).
The APC filipino potluck today was quite interesting... no, not really. At least I got a free lunch though. Basically three main entrees with three different types of desserts: lumpia shanghai, pansit (really badly cooked btw), the common staple of rice, jelly-cups (the ones with lychee in it), strawberry-flavored wafers, and a vanilla cake Nick made. Leah showed up for no apparent reason (note: she's not part of the club) besides the food... freeloader. She ate about 5 or 6 jelly cups and we teased her about it. Dolphin-chick was eating the rice with chopsticks so several people told her to act more filipino and eat with her hands. Hehehe...
And I'm kinda glad DJ's home sick. Yes, I know I said something bad, but it is true. With him not bothering me during lunch and between classes, I've been feeling better. Still hope he's alright when all the sickness is gone.
Waiting still for the phonecall due to me from yesterday.
. . .
And on a tangent (which will not be expanded upon): imagination is a powerful and wonderful skill. ^_^
Saw the roster during lunch. Vocals are tomorrow at 3:20pm. Bah. At least I'm not in the last group at about 5:00pm.
(... and yes, it's that dark already)
I'm online reading blogs and avoiding my math and japanese homeworks (iya na shukudai yo!) which I really should get around doing... erm, in the case of japanese, finding since I seem to have misplaced my vocab (tango) cards (carudo).
The APC filipino potluck today was quite interesting... no, not really. At least I got a free lunch though. Basically three main entrees with three different types of desserts: lumpia shanghai, pansit (really badly cooked btw), the common staple of rice, jelly-cups (the ones with lychee in it), strawberry-flavored wafers, and a vanilla cake Nick made. Leah showed up for no apparent reason (note: she's not part of the club) besides the food... freeloader. She ate about 5 or 6 jelly cups and we teased her about it. Dolphin-chick was eating the rice with chopsticks so several people told her to act more filipino and eat with her hands. Hehehe...
And I'm kinda glad DJ's home sick. Yes, I know I said something bad, but it is true. With him not bothering me during lunch and between classes, I've been feeling better. Still hope he's alright when all the sickness is gone.
Waiting still for the phonecall due to me from yesterday.
. . .
And on a tangent (which will not be expanded upon): imagination is a powerful and wonderful skill. ^_^
Saw the roster during lunch. Vocals are tomorrow at 3:20pm. Bah. At least I'm not in the last group at about 5:00pm.
. . . . . posted:||5:20 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Ugh... so tired and sore. I think taking a shower twice a day (before and after school) is going to be something I want to attempt to do. The shower actually keeps me awake... or at least more comprehensive.
Today was the dance audition for Hello Dolly. Felt intimidated by all the people who're better than me... Hell, even JV was a better dancer than I (note: JV's practically me but far more camp). Well... if you used the actual dance. In practicing I was doing fine... but when I went up for real the guy infront of me managed to be a foot away from me. So the required kicks aren't all that possible.
Stopped by the art room to chat with the art teachers and fetch sis before the late buses. Told them why I didn't attend art club that day afterschool... which elicited an "Aw! How cute!" from both of them. Wha?
On the bus ride home I talked with Karen and... that freshmen art major who I seem to have forgotten at the moment... while Gerard and this theater major practiced their kissing technique on eachother. Interesting to say the least.
And Buffy's on tonight! Whoo!... but I'm tired enough to just fall asleep. I have to stay up to see if Matt'll call me after he's done going to the rosary saying for Ashley's grandmother tonight. Don't really think that he knows how long those things actually take... because it could take quite a while.
Today was the dance audition for Hello Dolly. Felt intimidated by all the people who're better than me... Hell, even JV was a better dancer than I (note: JV's practically me but far more camp). Well... if you used the actual dance. In practicing I was doing fine... but when I went up for real the guy infront of me managed to be a foot away from me. So the required kicks aren't all that possible.
Stopped by the art room to chat with the art teachers and fetch sis before the late buses. Told them why I didn't attend art club that day afterschool... which elicited an "Aw! How cute!" from both of them. Wha?
On the bus ride home I talked with Karen and... that freshmen art major who I seem to have forgotten at the moment... while Gerard and this theater major practiced their kissing technique on eachother. Interesting to say the least.
And Buffy's on tonight! Whoo!... but I'm tired enough to just fall asleep. I have to stay up to see if Matt'll call me after he's done going to the rosary saying for Ashley's grandmother tonight. Don't really think that he knows how long those things actually take... because it could take quite a while.
. . . . . posted:||7:08 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It seems that I don't try hard enough to go out and find good music/musicians. All of the amazing bands I've been getting into (with the exception of Swell 26)(they broke up, btw) have all been discovered via suggestions from other people. There's Save Ferris from Christen, Sam Harris and Holcombe Waller from Paul, Guano Apes from Cathyrn, the introductory samples into the worlds of Jpop and Kpop from Seri-chan, many different emo/punk/semi-neo-punk from Christy, Placebo from Lizzy, and now The Juliana Theory thanks to Matt. I guess word-of-mouth really is a reliable form of spreading the news. Albeit not always accurate.
I need to start listening to slightly more hardcore music. I've been completely unsuccessful in finding the softer genre of music which satisfies my current needs (raw emotion, crescendos and decrescendos, contrasting segments, some melody, tells a story, etc.) so I'm turning to the old loves and classics... but Guano Apes is about as hardcore as I'll go... then again, they're not exactly Jewel...
Which is why I like the entire Broadway genre. Actually, the whole Broadway genre is far too diverse to be grouped into one subject, and no one's bothered to set out clear subgenres at this point. But it's that diversity that gives it life and light. Not to mention the entire range of human emotion usually present.
. . .
And on a side note: I admire Paul. Seriously. He's not only lucky enough to have found a partner, but has achieved a sort of domestic bliss. Not necessarily the usual suburbia 2.5 kids dream, but one which I envy. Also, his abilities to dissect ideas and meanings are superb, along with the articulation he often writes with.
. . .
I guess it's hard to dispell the belief that all gay men can't have long-term relationships. Especially while attending the highschool I'm in (dating periods lasting from a day to a week to, if you're lucky, several months) and all the media telling us that love's fickle and ever-appearing. So, I'm forced to live with the motto: "you have to kiss many frog lips till you find a prince."
. . .
And on yet another side note: I feel like I'm getting ripped off. All the intense conversations I've been having with many... okay, three of my friends... lately is making me feel empty inside. That amount of soul-baring and naked emotion I always imagined would happen when I find the love of my life. Understand that, until recently, I've been trained to keep people always at arm's length 'least they get too close. I can only count... three people besides mi hermana which I've completely opened up to before this year. And one of them (the first one actually) didn't enjoy listening too much.
So, all these late-night conversations are making me rethink some things. Is the person you're suppose to spend the rest of your life/ next couple months with suppose to be your greatest confidant? Can a relationship ever exist with just two people secluded from the outside world, or are other sources of comfort needed? Understand that up till now I've never known a completely "healthy" relationship that's outside of my own family. James was sweet, but looking back I think I was still reeling from "first boyfriend syndrome" so I was blind to all his devices. Nick was fun to talk to, but there was no spark to ignite a possible longing for him, and I couldn't very well have a thing for Bill since (till now) she had been my greatest source of free-therapy and advice.
I guess I'll have to ponder this some more later. Right now I'm far too sleepy.
(The Juliana Theory's "Is Patience Still Waiting?" creeps into his head)
I need to start listening to slightly more hardcore music. I've been completely unsuccessful in finding the softer genre of music which satisfies my current needs (raw emotion, crescendos and decrescendos, contrasting segments, some melody, tells a story, etc.) so I'm turning to the old loves and classics... but Guano Apes is about as hardcore as I'll go... then again, they're not exactly Jewel...
Which is why I like the entire Broadway genre. Actually, the whole Broadway genre is far too diverse to be grouped into one subject, and no one's bothered to set out clear subgenres at this point. But it's that diversity that gives it life and light. Not to mention the entire range of human emotion usually present.
. . .
And on a side note: I admire Paul. Seriously. He's not only lucky enough to have found a partner, but has achieved a sort of domestic bliss. Not necessarily the usual suburbia 2.5 kids dream, but one which I envy. Also, his abilities to dissect ideas and meanings are superb, along with the articulation he often writes with.
. . .
I guess it's hard to dispell the belief that all gay men can't have long-term relationships. Especially while attending the highschool I'm in (dating periods lasting from a day to a week to, if you're lucky, several months) and all the media telling us that love's fickle and ever-appearing. So, I'm forced to live with the motto: "you have to kiss many frog lips till you find a prince."
. . .
And on yet another side note: I feel like I'm getting ripped off. All the intense conversations I've been having with many... okay, three of my friends... lately is making me feel empty inside. That amount of soul-baring and naked emotion I always imagined would happen when I find the love of my life. Understand that, until recently, I've been trained to keep people always at arm's length 'least they get too close. I can only count... three people besides mi hermana which I've completely opened up to before this year. And one of them (the first one actually) didn't enjoy listening too much.
So, all these late-night conversations are making me rethink some things. Is the person you're suppose to spend the rest of your life/ next couple months with suppose to be your greatest confidant? Can a relationship ever exist with just two people secluded from the outside world, or are other sources of comfort needed? Understand that up till now I've never known a completely "healthy" relationship that's outside of my own family. James was sweet, but looking back I think I was still reeling from "first boyfriend syndrome" so I was blind to all his devices. Nick was fun to talk to, but there was no spark to ignite a possible longing for him, and I couldn't very well have a thing for Bill since (till now) she had been my greatest source of free-therapy and advice.
I guess I'll have to ponder this some more later. Right now I'm far too sleepy.
(The Juliana Theory's "Is Patience Still Waiting?" creeps into his head)
. . . . . posted:||12:18 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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I blame the following on my english teacher. Lately we've been doing a lot of "stream of consciousness" writing where you don't stop writing no matter what for two or three minutes. So, as an experiment I'm going to try a "stream of consciousness" typing session. Let's see how I ramble on for the next five minutes:
So what am I doing at 11:00pm at night? I'm sitting at the computer with all the lights on in the family room. the light behind me is casting its reflection on the screen so I have to move my head to shield it's light, but sometimes I move out of the way so I see it again and then I get annoyed yet again and have to move back to it. And at this moment my foot's asleep because I have it tucked under my leg while I rock side to side on the comfy swirlly chair I sit on at this moment. I don't really see why I'm up so late. well besides the whole sleeping pattern thing logic dictates that I should be sleeping at this time. afterall, I do have an audition to attend to after school tomorrow and I don't really feel up to it since I got so fucking nervous during the piano recital I had to do. hell, I haven't been to a single audition at this school 'sides the one to get in... and I have to dance for this particular one as well. the audition after the dance one will be on wednesday or thursday so either I skip choir practice (please) or I skip the pride alliance meeting (please no). Which is sad to mention since the P.A. is losing members fast. i think the innitial feel of "we're going to make a difference!" has died down now and people are starting to wonder exactly what the hell the club's really doing? So far we've only been speaking about ways to promote this fledgling club, and only once or twice has the question of what it all means has arisen. the only things that've been said are about what the club is trying to promote (acceptance of all differences with an empthasis on GLBTetc.), can anyone join, and the development of "safe zone" classrooms and such... which I have yet to see any posters up for. and it's kind of idiotic to be a homophobe at my school given the vast population of people who're out. which brings me to another thing I feel that I need to address. what the hell is T thinking? he got kicked out of P.A. because he dressed up in drag for the halloween dance (not like he did that last year) and he's taking his anger out on the club for not supporting him. first off, it was the administration not the club that kicked him out, and the whole matter had been more or less silenced before so I only got wind of it when I went to club the following week. and justin's leadership is waning a bit and will probably topple with a couple of pushes from travis' militia.
... Oops. That went on for about ten minutes instead of the five it was suppose to. Oh well. Interesting to note how I go from what I'm doing, my foot being asleep, the audition, to the concerns about P.A. And I'm pissed, the whole situation right now isn't allowing me to focus on my projects and schoolwork at hand. This feels almost like this time about a year ago...
Speaking of which, it's now been exactly one year that I've been writing here. Wow.
... nope, nothing too special to sing and dance about. I'm just tired so I shall go to bed.
But it's nice to think that I've been able to carry something along for more than a year that's not school motivated nor really structure based.
(and post #817 btw)
So what am I doing at 11:00pm at night? I'm sitting at the computer with all the lights on in the family room. the light behind me is casting its reflection on the screen so I have to move my head to shield it's light, but sometimes I move out of the way so I see it again and then I get annoyed yet again and have to move back to it. And at this moment my foot's asleep because I have it tucked under my leg while I rock side to side on the comfy swirlly chair I sit on at this moment. I don't really see why I'm up so late. well besides the whole sleeping pattern thing logic dictates that I should be sleeping at this time. afterall, I do have an audition to attend to after school tomorrow and I don't really feel up to it since I got so fucking nervous during the piano recital I had to do. hell, I haven't been to a single audition at this school 'sides the one to get in... and I have to dance for this particular one as well. the audition after the dance one will be on wednesday or thursday so either I skip choir practice (please) or I skip the pride alliance meeting (please no). Which is sad to mention since the P.A. is losing members fast. i think the innitial feel of "we're going to make a difference!" has died down now and people are starting to wonder exactly what the hell the club's really doing? So far we've only been speaking about ways to promote this fledgling club, and only once or twice has the question of what it all means has arisen. the only things that've been said are about what the club is trying to promote (acceptance of all differences with an empthasis on GLBTetc.), can anyone join, and the development of "safe zone" classrooms and such... which I have yet to see any posters up for. and it's kind of idiotic to be a homophobe at my school given the vast population of people who're out. which brings me to another thing I feel that I need to address. what the hell is T thinking? he got kicked out of P.A. because he dressed up in drag for the halloween dance (not like he did that last year) and he's taking his anger out on the club for not supporting him. first off, it was the administration not the club that kicked him out, and the whole matter had been more or less silenced before so I only got wind of it when I went to club the following week. and justin's leadership is waning a bit and will probably topple with a couple of pushes from travis' militia.
... Oops. That went on for about ten minutes instead of the five it was suppose to. Oh well. Interesting to note how I go from what I'm doing, my foot being asleep, the audition, to the concerns about P.A. And I'm pissed, the whole situation right now isn't allowing me to focus on my projects and schoolwork at hand. This feels almost like this time about a year ago...
Speaking of which, it's now been exactly one year that I've been writing here. Wow.
... nope, nothing too special to sing and dance about. I'm just tired so I shall go to bed.
But it's nice to think that I've been able to carry something along for more than a year that's not school motivated nor really structure based.
(and post #817 btw)
. . . . . posted:||11:10 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
oh. good. lord.
had quite the disturbing dream.
and now trying to find my way back to it again.
had quite the disturbing dream.
and now trying to find my way back to it again.
. . . . . posted:||1:39 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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I don't see why my parents insist on wasting money on me. Honestly, spending about $100+ for confirmation lessons for a religion I've already explicitly stated that I wasn't serious about (interested in the mythos and dogma yes, believing in it with blind faith no). And now I had to sit through a boring meeting concerning the Passion Play for Easter that all second year students have to attend... not fun.
Yes, it's bizarre how I can't say anything to my sister these days...
And I need to do my self-portraits for photo class. I'll be eternally pissed of that roll of film isn't processed.
Yes, it's bizarre how I can't say anything to my sister these days...
And I need to do my self-portraits for photo class. I'll be eternally pissed of that roll of film isn't processed.
. . . . . posted:||9:34 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hmm... the way I figure it, if I can practice my pole dancing at least for half an hour a day, I'll have a decent and easy-to-follow workout schedule.
But that means no cups of dark liquid before bed 'lest I wake up in the morning with a major headache.
... and no, I'm talking about drinking Diet Coke w/ Lemon ("Behold! The legendary golden mead of all Aesir! Within it's dark depths promises and chains to the gods have been forged and heroes called to arms!") not chianti.
Hell, I don't even like chianti. It's rum and champagne all the way!
But that means no cups of dark liquid before bed 'lest I wake up in the morning with a major headache.
... and no, I'm talking about drinking Diet Coke w/ Lemon ("Behold! The legendary golden mead of all Aesir! Within it's dark depths promises and chains to the gods have been forged and heroes called to arms!") not chianti.
Hell, I don't even like chianti. It's rum and champagne all the way!
. . . . . posted:||11:31 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Thankfully, a change of topic.
My musical obsession at this moment is Jacqueline D'Pre and her marvelously seductive violancello. Again, another amazing female artist that I never had the chance to appreciate live. And her "Cello Sonata No.1 in Em" by Brahm never fails to send wave after wave of chills down my spine.
But to be honest, she's my second-choice of an obsession. I'm really searching for the songs and arias which the castrati sung during the baroque period. However... I've only come across one actual recording of a castrato which is of extremely poor quality. The castrato himself (Alessandro) isn't exactly the voice that swooned women from the past... yet his voice remains superior to the high female voice. What amazes me further is that all castrati do not sing with a warbly falsetto; allowing them the purest freedom of expression in singing while still attaining notes within the upper octaves of human range.
And yes, I'm taking a break from my art project at the moment. Besides, oil paints need to dry for a certain span of time, no?
(which is why I hate the damned things... but acrylic is so expensive...)
My musical obsession at this moment is Jacqueline D'Pre and her marvelously seductive violancello. Again, another amazing female artist that I never had the chance to appreciate live. And her "Cello Sonata No.1 in Em" by Brahm never fails to send wave after wave of chills down my spine.
But to be honest, she's my second-choice of an obsession. I'm really searching for the songs and arias which the castrati sung during the baroque period. However... I've only come across one actual recording of a castrato which is of extremely poor quality. The castrato himself (Alessandro) isn't exactly the voice that swooned women from the past... yet his voice remains superior to the high female voice. What amazes me further is that all castrati do not sing with a warbly falsetto; allowing them the purest freedom of expression in singing while still attaining notes within the upper octaves of human range.
And yes, I'm taking a break from my art project at the moment. Besides, oil paints need to dry for a certain span of time, no?
(which is why I hate the damned things... but acrylic is so expensive...)
. . . . . posted:||11:16 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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No, I will not share the details of my visit to Matt's house this afternoon. Let's just say that it was very productive towards my photo project.
Currently talking to Barto on the phone.
Still need to do painting for art.
Currently talking to Barto on the phone.
Still need to do painting for art.
. . . . . posted:||9:55 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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... I have to get this out sometime. In my year of complete happiness from last year, I forgot how harboring emotions could cause severe mental damage. But, I've been paranoid that I would come off as whiny, self-assured, and general teenage stereotype.
And I know certain people who talk to me in real life read this. At least they aren't saying anything 'lest I prompt them with a question or two for advice.
But my whole shitty week began on Saturday of last week. I worked on my piece for art that day, but during the last hour or so Liz and family came in. Her sister was visiting from college in Chicago and she enjoyed Ms. Treat's company so that they wanted to have a visit. I never quite understood Liz's admiration for her sister (seeing how I'm the younger one and more mature one in my family unit) until that day... Her sister is completely intimidating. And not in a good way. After they left, I was stuck staring at what I had accomplished thus far and regarded it like complete tripe. (self: -10 pts)
Later that day I had to wait for the females to meet dad and I at the mall, yet they were half an hour late. That means half an hour of me sitting amidst the throng of the crowd in my "I didn't know we were going out today so I dressed casually/functionally" clothes. Got a migraine from all the noise, and sis annoyed me with her talk of finding the Tremurs venue. (self: -15 pts)
Saturday night comes and I'm talking to my friend from AZ on the phone. He's crying his heart out about how, after telling a close friend about himself, they had a verbal religious beliefs debate/sparring match where the dogmatic weapons of Christianity and Unitarian Universalism were played to great effect. I listen as usual to his problems and console him as much as I can...
It's strange because he probably did the most significant damage to myself and yet I'm not mad at him at all. Who knew that by mentioning the first boyfriend's name that he'd open the floodgates to a maudlin nostalgia trip for hell... if you couldn't follow what I just typed, that was the effect I wanted. The dagger gets twisted when he gets me to tell him some of the little things which... well, the little things he did that made me happy. Even now I can't risk thinking about all of them. (self: -100)
And the failure at the recital (self: -25) plus the pity from others (self: -50) didn't quite help.
Later on in the week... just brooding and thinking about the first boyfriend all week, worrying whether or not Justin can really stand me, and Nikki's passionate (if not verbose) accounts of perfectly executed kisses from her newly acquired boy. The mixed signals from DJ and the fact that he's a bigger tease than Matt doesn't help one bit.
... now that I think of it, he's only the bigger tease because he actually makes physical contact. I made that point at lunch and he jokingly starts to feel me up... which is later proceeded by him talking about all the guys who checked him out that day.
Right now, I'm in a volatile state. If anyone dares to play with my heartstrings at this moment I'll foolishly latch onto them and shower them with affection. Proof? While waiting for the late bus, I had Jyl's head on my lap as I stroked her hair, and I wondered what I would do if she were a guy.
And directly before going to the buses I waited with Patricia while she smoked her last cig and spoke of her extreme emotion for her boy. Earlier that day I was accompanying her to the bathroom when she made a quick stop by the tech room (clear across campus) to leave him a note.
This may sound weird (and definetly off subject) but I like the smell of cigarette smoke. Don't get me wrong, I'd never smoke one or appreciate someone blowing it in my face a la shotgun... but when the scent is subtle like a lingering wave in the air...
Even today I was on the phone with Matt while watching Will and Grace, laughing at the jokes, pouring most of what I wrote here (minus the parts concerning him) out for him gladly after he spoke of the family favoritism he reviled. And normally talking to him about any subject makes my mood lighten up... but not so this time 'round.
... fuck it. All other infatuations are merely diversion tactics.
I. Still. Want. Matt.
... and I can't help but feel no differently. Bad enough I'll be at his house on Saturday to take pictures of him for photo.
To anyone who reads this, please speak not a word. Not even to me. No slight chuckles, no raised eyebrows, nothing.
Trust me, if the situation's so bad that I can't speak of it to my own sister (who more or less is my ultimate confidant) I can't handle other people talking to me about it.
...
Funny how at times like this I'm glad I have no commenting system.
And I know certain people who talk to me in real life read this. At least they aren't saying anything 'lest I prompt them with a question or two for advice.
But my whole shitty week began on Saturday of last week. I worked on my piece for art that day, but during the last hour or so Liz and family came in. Her sister was visiting from college in Chicago and she enjoyed Ms. Treat's company so that they wanted to have a visit. I never quite understood Liz's admiration for her sister (seeing how I'm the younger one and more mature one in my family unit) until that day... Her sister is completely intimidating. And not in a good way. After they left, I was stuck staring at what I had accomplished thus far and regarded it like complete tripe. (self: -10 pts)
Later that day I had to wait for the females to meet dad and I at the mall, yet they were half an hour late. That means half an hour of me sitting amidst the throng of the crowd in my "I didn't know we were going out today so I dressed casually/functionally" clothes. Got a migraine from all the noise, and sis annoyed me with her talk of finding the Tremurs venue. (self: -15 pts)
Saturday night comes and I'm talking to my friend from AZ on the phone. He's crying his heart out about how, after telling a close friend about himself, they had a verbal religious beliefs debate/sparring match where the dogmatic weapons of Christianity and Unitarian Universalism were played to great effect. I listen as usual to his problems and console him as much as I can...
It's strange because he probably did the most significant damage to myself and yet I'm not mad at him at all. Who knew that by mentioning the first boyfriend's name that he'd open the floodgates to a maudlin nostalgia trip for hell... if you couldn't follow what I just typed, that was the effect I wanted. The dagger gets twisted when he gets me to tell him some of the little things which... well, the little things he did that made me happy. Even now I can't risk thinking about all of them. (self: -100)
And the failure at the recital (self: -25) plus the pity from others (self: -50) didn't quite help.
Later on in the week... just brooding and thinking about the first boyfriend all week, worrying whether or not Justin can really stand me, and Nikki's passionate (if not verbose) accounts of perfectly executed kisses from her newly acquired boy. The mixed signals from DJ and the fact that he's a bigger tease than Matt doesn't help one bit.
... now that I think of it, he's only the bigger tease because he actually makes physical contact. I made that point at lunch and he jokingly starts to feel me up... which is later proceeded by him talking about all the guys who checked him out that day.
Right now, I'm in a volatile state. If anyone dares to play with my heartstrings at this moment I'll foolishly latch onto them and shower them with affection. Proof? While waiting for the late bus, I had Jyl's head on my lap as I stroked her hair, and I wondered what I would do if she were a guy.
And directly before going to the buses I waited with Patricia while she smoked her last cig and spoke of her extreme emotion for her boy. Earlier that day I was accompanying her to the bathroom when she made a quick stop by the tech room (clear across campus) to leave him a note.
This may sound weird (and definetly off subject) but I like the smell of cigarette smoke. Don't get me wrong, I'd never smoke one or appreciate someone blowing it in my face a la shotgun... but when the scent is subtle like a lingering wave in the air...
Even today I was on the phone with Matt while watching Will and Grace, laughing at the jokes, pouring most of what I wrote here (minus the parts concerning him) out for him gladly after he spoke of the family favoritism he reviled. And normally talking to him about any subject makes my mood lighten up... but not so this time 'round.
... fuck it. All other infatuations are merely diversion tactics.
I. Still. Want. Matt.
... and I can't help but feel no differently. Bad enough I'll be at his house on Saturday to take pictures of him for photo.
To anyone who reads this, please speak not a word. Not even to me. No slight chuckles, no raised eyebrows, nothing.
Trust me, if the situation's so bad that I can't speak of it to my own sister (who more or less is my ultimate confidant) I can't handle other people talking to me about it.
...
Funny how at times like this I'm glad I have no commenting system.
. . . . . posted:||12:29 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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Hehe... Buffy: The Musical
Hehe... I already have all the songs semi-memories.
I liked the idea of masking something malicious (hidden secrets) within something nice and cheery (the songs).
Good singers: Giles, Spike, Tara, the Demon
Mediocre to decent singers: Buffy, Dawn, Anya
BAD singers: Willow, Xander
But I refuse to believe that life as a musical would be as so!
And the Willow/Tara song was so incredibly sweet.
The bunnies.... the BUNNIES!!!
...
Only high-point of the day. Shit.
Hehe... I already have all the songs semi-memories.
I liked the idea of masking something malicious (hidden secrets) within something nice and cheery (the songs).
Good singers: Giles, Spike, Tara, the Demon
Mediocre to decent singers: Buffy, Dawn, Anya
BAD singers: Willow, Xander
But I refuse to believe that life as a musical would be as so!
And the Willow/Tara song was so incredibly sweet.
The bunnies.... the BUNNIES!!!
...
Only high-point of the day. Shit.
. . . . . posted:||10:11 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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::sigh:: At least one thing can keep my emotions up a little bit/ help me forget my pains. I can always practice chair/lap dancing to various music (this time to Shimano Momoe) and feel great about it afterwards. It's like sex without someone that isn't masturbatory.
Which reminds me about what I said about Sparta to Lauren during history: "Think about it, the boys are ripped from their mothers arms at 7, and can't touch a girl (legally) till 20... and being stuck in the barracks, masturbation will only take you so far..."
Hehe.
Devoured the following books in the span of three weeks: American Gods, Blind Items, and Blood and Gold. Ne'er read so quickly or gluttonously in my life... but then again I've never picked up three books that I've liked immensely ever before... and at least I got my required outside reading done for the rest of the school year.
Guess I should start work on The Invention of Love or The Vaginal Monologues.
And you know who to blame for the recent bookworm-ness.
Which reminds me about what I said about Sparta to Lauren during history: "Think about it, the boys are ripped from their mothers arms at 7, and can't touch a girl (legally) till 20... and being stuck in the barracks, masturbation will only take you so far..."
Hehe.
Devoured the following books in the span of three weeks: American Gods, Blind Items, and Blood and Gold. Ne'er read so quickly or gluttonously in my life... but then again I've never picked up three books that I've liked immensely ever before... and at least I got my required outside reading done for the rest of the school year.
Guess I should start work on The Invention of Love or The Vaginal Monologues.
And you know who to blame for the recent bookworm-ness.
. . . . . posted:||5:53 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
So... still not feeling too well. Doesn't help that I was tired/hypoglycemic all day long.
English: Read, did vocab, read "Euphio Question", wrote one of two required teacher appreciation letters, gawked at Mr. sexy sitting next to me and the other one sitting two seats back... Coincidently, I also learned that those two used to be good friends till they stopped being civil.
World H: Mundane note taking. Finished two more presentations (one of which was a funny-ass faux National Geographic episode). Returned the lil black book with my own kiss-and-ne'er-tell story to Lauren, along with an old picture of Eric from middle school. She showed him it, and he tackled her trying to get it back. Moment's relief and quite funny.
Chemistry: "Had a surrogate" (as Rica would put it). Utterly boring personality, and had to answer 20-some questions about a subject we've never EVER gone over... I hate being taught by one I don't respect. Became someone's shoulder rest several times throughout the course of the period.
Lunch: Had a moment to forget. Got chips and a Diet Coke Lemonized, played cat's craddle and jacob's ladder with the string thing Justin had with Jen and DJ. DJ pinched my cheek, so I licked the side of his face... and blech, I will never do that again.
Art: Brief chat about our paper, sketchbook-show-and-tell, and an hour sitting in front of my piece wondering what the hell I'm going to do now that my piece has deviated far from the original path it was suppose to take... at least I got to sleep for a few minutes in Liz's lap.
Afterschool, dad drove family to Walgreens to get our flu shots. Had to lie and say that sis and I are both 18 and are twins since they weren't administering the shot to minors. Ran into our confirmation teacher so I couldn't get out of it tonight. Damn.
Went home, got on a major sugar high from sucrose-infused iced tea (drank it like a Jack Daniel's, cup after cup) and am now suffering from withdrawl.
And I hate the microwave with a burning passion.
English: Read, did vocab, read "Euphio Question", wrote one of two required teacher appreciation letters, gawked at Mr. sexy sitting next to me and the other one sitting two seats back... Coincidently, I also learned that those two used to be good friends till they stopped being civil.
World H: Mundane note taking. Finished two more presentations (one of which was a funny-ass faux National Geographic episode). Returned the lil black book with my own kiss-and-ne'er-tell story to Lauren, along with an old picture of Eric from middle school. She showed him it, and he tackled her trying to get it back. Moment's relief and quite funny.
Chemistry: "Had a surrogate" (as Rica would put it). Utterly boring personality, and had to answer 20-some questions about a subject we've never EVER gone over... I hate being taught by one I don't respect. Became someone's shoulder rest several times throughout the course of the period.
Lunch: Had a moment to forget. Got chips and a Diet Coke Lemonized, played cat's craddle and jacob's ladder with the string thing Justin had with Jen and DJ. DJ pinched my cheek, so I licked the side of his face... and blech, I will never do that again.
Art: Brief chat about our paper, sketchbook-show-and-tell, and an hour sitting in front of my piece wondering what the hell I'm going to do now that my piece has deviated far from the original path it was suppose to take... at least I got to sleep for a few minutes in Liz's lap.
Afterschool, dad drove family to Walgreens to get our flu shots. Had to lie and say that sis and I are both 18 and are twins since they weren't administering the shot to minors. Ran into our confirmation teacher so I couldn't get out of it tonight. Damn.
Went home, got on a major sugar high from sucrose-infused iced tea (drank it like a Jack Daniel's, cup after cup) and am now suffering from withdrawl.
And I hate the microwave with a burning passion.
. . . . . posted:||5:48 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
::wraps a blanket around himself::
...
Sorry if I've been quite the drama bitch lately.
...
Sorry if I've been quite the drama bitch lately.
. . . . . posted:||9:06 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Yes, the fates have conspired to destroy me.
This whole past weekend has bee fucked.
And my utter failure during my recital performance coupled with the normal feelings of inadequacy during a choir performance..... oh shit.
I need someone to talk to that makes me happy afterwards. The usual person won't do, and my other shoulder to cry on just made me feel worse.
Yes, I'm falling farther and farther away from a possible zenith.
It's bad enough that, at 4:00am in the morning, dad comes downstairs to watch a baseball game he taped. Mom comes down soon after. In order to get any sleep afterwards, had to put on my headphones and put the music to its loudest.
And when the DiamondBacks won the World Series earlier tonight... I made the mistake of trying to get some sleep in the same room as my dad while he watched the game.
My ears are still ringing from all the yelling.
This whole past weekend has bee fucked.
And my utter failure during my recital performance coupled with the normal feelings of inadequacy during a choir performance..... oh shit.
I need someone to talk to that makes me happy afterwards. The usual person won't do, and my other shoulder to cry on just made me feel worse.
Yes, I'm falling farther and farther away from a possible zenith.
It's bad enough that, at 4:00am in the morning, dad comes downstairs to watch a baseball game he taped. Mom comes down soon after. In order to get any sleep afterwards, had to put on my headphones and put the music to its loudest.
And when the DiamondBacks won the World Series earlier tonight... I made the mistake of trying to get some sleep in the same room as my dad while he watched the game.
My ears are still ringing from all the yelling.
. . . . . posted:||8:53 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Yep, I miss the stage and the lime light.
... just, do I have to play piano under it today? I'm not too keen for a recital at the moment.
... just, do I have to play piano under it today? I'm not too keen for a recital at the moment.
. . . . . posted:||3:25 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
... sad...
I've stooped as low as listening to Barbra Streisand.
But I must study the music to Hello Dolly.
I must get into that play.
I've stooped as low as listening to Barbra Streisand.
But I must study the music to Hello Dolly.
I must get into that play.
. . . . . posted:||3:12 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
When I woke up today, I was in a general state of affectionate apathy. No real craving for anyone.
While working on my art project at school, I was becoming progressively depressed. No tangible reason why.
Waiting for my sis and mom to show up at the mall, I sang broadway lovesongs to myself. Still no reasons.
When I was on the phone with Barto, I remembered my first boyfriend. Knew why then.
Now, as I go to bed, I'm craving again. Affection's just a few more inches away from my grasp.
And this song playing at this time is perfect.
While working on my art project at school, I was becoming progressively depressed. No tangible reason why.
Waiting for my sis and mom to show up at the mall, I sang broadway lovesongs to myself. Still no reasons.
When I was on the phone with Barto, I remembered my first boyfriend. Knew why then.
Now, as I go to bed, I'm craving again. Affection's just a few more inches away from my grasp.
And this song playing at this time is perfect.
. . . . . posted:||12:20 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
You know... I've often wondered that myself (see last paragraph). Concerning the whole "art world," critics are essential to the success of fine artists. They have the power to make or break an artist's reputation although...
Okay, going off on a tangent here, but I hate the direction art is taking. Originally artists were celebrated for their importance to society not only as observers and commentators but as keepers of history and tradition as well. These days those artists are considered boring or "craft" artists (including graphic artists).
Art has become an elite world of posh galleries and effortless depth ("don't know what that means so I'll just fake it") which can now exist without the attention of the populace at large. The act of making fine art (i.e. traditional painting techniques, sculpture, non-ready-mades) still remains a soulful and often intimate practice, but the act of displaying and gaining noteriety for one's work...
... So, need to rewrite that one... can't think at the moment.
Okay, going off on a tangent here, but I hate the direction art is taking. Originally artists were celebrated for their importance to society not only as observers and commentators but as keepers of history and tradition as well. These days those artists are considered boring or "craft" artists (including graphic artists).
Art has become an elite world of posh galleries and effortless depth ("don't know what that means so I'll just fake it") which can now exist without the attention of the populace at large. The act of making fine art (i.e. traditional painting techniques, sculpture, non-ready-mades) still remains a soulful and often intimate practice, but the act of displaying and gaining noteriety for one's work...
... So, need to rewrite that one... can't think at the moment.
. . . . . posted:||8:35 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Huh? Another Mr. Carpenter?... well, that figures given how popular that last name is... Just remembering the slight crush I had on former 8th grade phys. sci. teacher with the same surname.
Today was... okay.
(oh, and excuse my brief comments. I'm typing one-handed since the nail polish on one hand has yet to dry completely)
English: had the visiting teacher from our sister school in Ukraine talk a bit about the effects of Communism and how life under that particular was truly like... but as the nature of all highscoolers, we strayed from the topic and talked instead about our sister school and her son's career as a computer programmer. Luckily, Ms. Miller didn't have time to do a notebook check... since I left mine on the coffee table whilst leaving the house in haste.
History: more project presentations. Afterwards, the room became a den for socializing for 10 minutes till the bell rang.
Chem: test, the article reading, then half an hour spent tuning out to my Puffy Ami Yumi cd.
Lunch: Rica's back! Also got my pictures and student id for this year... um, is there some way for me to change the picture from this year's to last year's? This year's photo made me look like a dazed mexican buddha... which is a bizarre thought when one dwells on it.
Art: Ms. Treat brought me boughs from her tree to use for my project! Yay! So the majority of the time was spent fashioning the things to fit the box properly. Got extremely messy/dusty... but loads of fun. During Op. period I continued my branch manipulations and chatted with Karen about her graphite piece (which I unfortunately had to do last year for art).
Wanted to go to P.A., but interestingly enough I couldn't because I had to sing at church tonight (DJ:"I didn't know you could sing, Chuck." Me:"Well... I was in the show choir two years ago." DJ:"Yeah, but some of those people couldn't sing." Me:"You mean... Zack?" DDDDDDJ:"Yep.")
And the singing didn't fare too badly either. Sarah was telling me about the party last night/ fanning flames of jealousy and apparently it seemed a bit on the boring side... oh well.
Speaking of which, must call Matt and inquire about a ride for next week (among other things)... anyone care to bend his ear for me?
Today was... okay.
(oh, and excuse my brief comments. I'm typing one-handed since the nail polish on one hand has yet to dry completely)
English: had the visiting teacher from our sister school in Ukraine talk a bit about the effects of Communism and how life under that particular was truly like... but as the nature of all highscoolers, we strayed from the topic and talked instead about our sister school and her son's career as a computer programmer. Luckily, Ms. Miller didn't have time to do a notebook check... since I left mine on the coffee table whilst leaving the house in haste.
History: more project presentations. Afterwards, the room became a den for socializing for 10 minutes till the bell rang.
Chem: test, the article reading, then half an hour spent tuning out to my Puffy Ami Yumi cd.
Lunch: Rica's back! Also got my pictures and student id for this year... um, is there some way for me to change the picture from this year's to last year's? This year's photo made me look like a dazed mexican buddha... which is a bizarre thought when one dwells on it.
Art: Ms. Treat brought me boughs from her tree to use for my project! Yay! So the majority of the time was spent fashioning the things to fit the box properly. Got extremely messy/dusty... but loads of fun. During Op. period I continued my branch manipulations and chatted with Karen about her graphite piece (which I unfortunately had to do last year for art).
Wanted to go to P.A., but interestingly enough I couldn't because I had to sing at church tonight (DJ:"I didn't know you could sing, Chuck." Me:"Well... I was in the show choir two years ago." DJ:"Yeah, but some of those people couldn't sing." Me:"You mean... Zack?" DDDDDDJ:"Yep.")
And the singing didn't fare too badly either. Sarah was telling me about the party last night/ fanning flames of jealousy and apparently it seemed a bit on the boring side... oh well.
Speaking of which, must call Matt and inquire about a ride for next week (among other things)... anyone care to bend his ear for me?
. . . . . posted:||11:17 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well, we've now reached the loverly #800 post. I was planning a massive update of my other pages to go along with this... but screw that, I happen to enjoy getting some sleep in. So, here's a new survey for you to peruse which was stole from Tony who inturn took it from Kia:
First name: Chuck
Single or taken: Single... (damnh)
Sex: not necessary for a health relationship... but a nice bonus!
Birthday: Feb. 2ns 1986
Astrological sign: Aquarius/ Scorpio moon (which explains the libido)
Siblings: older sister
Hair color: boring black
Eye color: boring brown/black
Shoe size: 11 4E (and you do know what they say...)
Height: 5' 5.5" (scary that I grew an inch this past summer)
*-;-* R e l a t i o n s h i p s~*
Who are your top 3 best friends? sis, Matt, and... can't quite name a third at the moment.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Quote the Corrs: "only when I sleep"
Did you send this to your crush? seeing how I stole it... aa~ no
Did your crush send this to you? again, nope
*-;-*F a s h i o n S t u f f *-;-*
Where is your favorite place to shop: I could go queen/camp and say Armani, but I won't. So, the mall/ Savers it is.
Do you think your fashion is cool? Depends. When I forget to wear two layers during winter my fashion's so cool I'm frozen
What do you have pierced? Abso-effing-lutely nada
*-;-* T h e E x t r a S t u f f *-;-*
Do you do drugs? ::blech:: pleez... well, if you count caffiene in that mix....
What kind of shampoo do you use? Pantene (yeah yeah... :p)
What sport(s): tennis, football (if there's tackling and locker showers), and general sparring
What are you most scared of?: Seriously? The Olsen Twins covering a Weezer song...::shudder:: among other things
How many TV's?: um... not enough fingers on one hand?... unless you don't count the b/w one.
What are you listening to right now? this Discovery Channel documentary on Mayan sacrifices
What car do you wish to have?: considering I have no idea... I go for the top and say a Bently
Who is the last person that called you? Christy (who did not pick me up for the party... but probably mom's fault)
Where do you want to get married? Oooh... so many choices. Ideally by a fountain in a vast field of roses... but that's bloody likely
How many messenger buddies do you have on right now? does anyone actually stay up this late on a school night 'sides me?
If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? I won't demean myself by answering that question :p
*-;-* F a v o r I t e s *-;-*
Color: Red, Black, White, Orange, and general Iridescence
Number: 216
Food: anything I can stomach
Fast Food: toss up btw Jack in the Box or Fazoli's
Boy's name: Caspian
Girl's name: Sumire
Subjects in school: I'd be lying if I didn't say Art or Photo
CD or TAPE?: CD/MP3
Animals: koalas... but not quite sure why
Game(s): FF (sans 8), Xenogears, Guilty Gear (X), Suikodens, Silent Hills, Tenchus
-;-* H a v e Y o u E v e r *-;-*
Given someone a bath?: as in... depends on what type of bath
Smoked?: sleeping under a blanket of incense count?
Bungee jumped?: one day when I'm over at Circus Circus
Broken the law?: pshaw! who hasn't at some point in their lives?
Made yourself throw-up?: yep... tasted celery and pathologial allergy kicked in
Gone skinny-dipping?: heheheeee
Been in love?: ... if you don't know the answer to that, thou art daft
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: method acting aside... if the situation calls for it
*-;-* F i r s t T h i n g T h a t C o m e s T o M i n d *-;-*
Red: passion
Cow: Brahman
Zebra: that Zebra-stripes gum
Socks: Red Hot Chilly Peppers
*-;-* W h i c h I s W o r s e? *-;-*
Barfing on your date or your date barfing on you: equally embarassing/insulting
*-;-* F i n a l Q u e s t i o n s *-;-*
Do you like filling these out? sadly enough... nope. well maybe. I'd enjoy it better if my eyes weren't so dry.
How many people are you sending this to?: you're free to leech
Who will send it back?: ... if you do, I'm patting you on the shoulder
If you could be someone else for a day who would it be?: heheheee...
Gold or Silver?: diamond
What is the last film you saw at the cimema?: GhostWorld (and still aching for Vamp. Hunter D)
Favorite cartoon caracter?: GIIIIIIRRRRRRR!!!!!!! ^_^
What do you have for breakfast in the morning?: coffee or mints
Who would you hate being locked in a room with?: ... someone who I couldn't keep my hands off of... hehe.. cute something major
Well, that was a weird final question.
So, como te gusta mi pinga? No? ... punta bitch....
Yep. Hyper from drowsiness.
First name: Chuck
Single or taken: Single... (damnh)
Sex: not necessary for a health relationship... but a nice bonus!
Birthday: Feb. 2ns 1986
Astrological sign: Aquarius/ Scorpio moon (which explains the libido)
Siblings: older sister
Hair color: boring black
Eye color: boring brown/black
Shoe size: 11 4E (and you do know what they say...)
Height: 5' 5.5" (scary that I grew an inch this past summer)
*-;-* R e l a t i o n s h i p s~*
Who are your top 3 best friends? sis, Matt, and... can't quite name a third at the moment.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Quote the Corrs: "only when I sleep"
Did you send this to your crush? seeing how I stole it... aa~ no
Did your crush send this to you? again, nope
*-;-*F a s h i o n S t u f f *-;-*
Where is your favorite place to shop: I could go queen/camp and say Armani, but I won't. So, the mall/ Savers it is.
Do you think your fashion is cool? Depends. When I forget to wear two layers during winter my fashion's so cool I'm frozen
What do you have pierced? Abso-effing-lutely nada
*-;-* T h e E x t r a S t u f f *-;-*
Do you do drugs? ::blech:: pleez... well, if you count caffiene in that mix....
What kind of shampoo do you use? Pantene (yeah yeah... :p)
What sport(s): tennis, football (if there's tackling and locker showers), and general sparring
What are you most scared of?: Seriously? The Olsen Twins covering a Weezer song...::shudder:: among other things
How many TV's?: um... not enough fingers on one hand?... unless you don't count the b/w one.
What are you listening to right now? this Discovery Channel documentary on Mayan sacrifices
What car do you wish to have?: considering I have no idea... I go for the top and say a Bently
Who is the last person that called you? Christy (who did not pick me up for the party... but probably mom's fault)
Where do you want to get married? Oooh... so many choices. Ideally by a fountain in a vast field of roses... but that's bloody likely
How many messenger buddies do you have on right now? does anyone actually stay up this late on a school night 'sides me?
If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? I won't demean myself by answering that question :p
*-;-* F a v o r I t e s *-;-*
Color: Red, Black, White, Orange, and general Iridescence
Number: 216
Food: anything I can stomach
Fast Food: toss up btw Jack in the Box or Fazoli's
Boy's name: Caspian
Girl's name: Sumire
Subjects in school: I'd be lying if I didn't say Art or Photo
CD or TAPE?: CD/MP3
Animals: koalas... but not quite sure why
Game(s): FF (sans 8), Xenogears, Guilty Gear (X), Suikodens, Silent Hills, Tenchus
-;-* H a v e Y o u E v e r *-;-*
Given someone a bath?: as in... depends on what type of bath
Smoked?: sleeping under a blanket of incense count?
Bungee jumped?: one day when I'm over at Circus Circus
Broken the law?: pshaw! who hasn't at some point in their lives?
Made yourself throw-up?: yep... tasted celery and pathologial allergy kicked in
Gone skinny-dipping?: heheheeee
Been in love?: ... if you don't know the answer to that, thou art daft
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: method acting aside... if the situation calls for it
*-;-* F i r s t T h i n g T h a t C o m e s T o M i n d *-;-*
Red: passion
Cow: Brahman
Zebra: that Zebra-stripes gum
Socks: Red Hot Chilly Peppers
*-;-* W h i c h I s W o r s e? *-;-*
Barfing on your date or your date barfing on you: equally embarassing/insulting
*-;-* F i n a l Q u e s t i o n s *-;-*
Do you like filling these out? sadly enough... nope. well maybe. I'd enjoy it better if my eyes weren't so dry.
How many people are you sending this to?: you're free to leech
Who will send it back?: ... if you do, I'm patting you on the shoulder
If you could be someone else for a day who would it be?: heheheee...
Gold or Silver?: diamond
What is the last film you saw at the cimema?: GhostWorld (and still aching for Vamp. Hunter D)
Favorite cartoon caracter?: GIIIIIIRRRRRRR!!!!!!! ^_^
What do you have for breakfast in the morning?: coffee or mints
Who would you hate being locked in a room with?: ... someone who I couldn't keep my hands off of... hehe.. cute something major
Well, that was a weird final question.
So, como te gusta mi pinga? No? ... punta bitch....
Yep. Hyper from drowsiness.
. . . . . posted:||1:34 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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