Well, over at Christy's house at the moment. Their New Year's party is going full swing (complete with her dad and mine playing a guitar duet)(luckily one of the guitar strings popped so their concert was cut short) and parents don't really want to leave.

Just wanted to leave a Happy New Year! message here. Auld Lange Sane (sp) everyone.

. . . . . posted:||9:24 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Things that annoy me:
- Grandma making absolutely no sense ("De ants like di eshugawr by di tolet bawl, ssso don't poop too much eshugawr.")
- Grandma doing things I asked her not to: (throw away important phone number, delete message on answering machine, throw away video game boxes and pages from an imported Japanese art book)
- Dad expecting me to take him seriously when he acts completely juvenile
- Dad getting mad at me for failing to obtain information in a timely manner (through no fault of my own at that)
- Dad getting mad at me for being vague while he answers "yes" when I ask him which map he wants. (as in "which do you like, one or two?" "yes.")
- people with extreme filipino accents


. . . . . posted:||1:01 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Well, New Year's approaching. So, instead of the new layout I had planned, I'll begin with one of my resolutions: use my deceptive/imaginative creativity and deduce exactly what my life will be like.

This Year (2002):
First half I'll continue to struggle through mountains of homework as a prerequisite. Pen and ink assignments will find me tearing my hair out of my scalp. Printmaking won't fair me as well. With the new semester, work on this year's Language Fair for Japanese will begin in earnest. Seeing how most of my endeavors weren't thought out or planned with sufficient time nor care this year, I'll have to search for the poem I shall recite at this year's competition. Other than that, nothing much out of the ordinary for the rest of my Japanese II class. In English continued study into Elizabethan literature and 'tough love' from Ms. Miller. Photo will be spent studying for tests, chatting with Lauren, Mary, and Krista, as well as worrying whether negatives will turn out fine in the processing room. World History promises more amusing antics (and scoldings) for/from Claire, Niki, Leilani, Joey, Eric, Taylor, etc. Algebra II will remain a moderate challenge for the rest of the year, but I predict at some point that one of my classmates (*coughDominiccough*) will go insane from the teacher's use of hand puppets. I will be able to payback some of my sleepdebt during the remaining Chemistry classes while studying at home with my sis since the teacher is completely incompetent. As for Art... we'll see how I fare in Mrs. Michaels' class now shall we?

Outside of school, I'll continue to relish/abhor my still going single status. Matt's own bliss will still irk jealousy in me (as well as Jacob's) but I'll be able to control the greenest of outbursts. I'll probably say things that I don't mean and piss people off again, but try almost immediately to mend the tear I've created. Hopefully I'll be able to talk more with Rica, Leah, and all my other friends which I hardly have time to converse with often. My fingers will finally be able to dial some of my friends' phone numbers so I can actually talk to them. Without being a nuisance of course... or at least not mean to be. According to another online test I took, my resolution is to "seduce as many people as possible" so, hopefully, after an entire summer's worth of virtual starvation (read: diet and exercise) I'll look like all the other people. Is the price of beauty worth the loss of personality? Does one's appearance really affect personality in the first place? We shall see.

Sometime during Spring Break my citizenship should finally come through, which means that I'll be able to take my driver's license test. Come summertime I hope to take a job at Borders (preferably at the cafe) so that I earn some sort of income. Or perhaps work alongside Matt as an office hand at his mom's work location. But faced with a summer devoid of summerschool (unless I do decide to take that requisite computer course as opposed to testing out of it) I hope to be able to manage my energy more efficiently.

I think that I will get out of the house more often. Maybe even go down to Roma's more frequently than I am at the moment (which would be once) just to escape the sheer pompousity which is the Summerlin Area. Attend more parties, concerts, events, performances. Eventually go broke from all of my many outings, but hopefully it will be time well invested.

After Highschool:
By this time, if I haven't had at least one boyfriend I'll go insane... well, it may be too late for that. Still, I'm resolved to take some sort of initiative in that department.

To all my friends who finished school at that point: I will be emailing you incessantly. I do NOT want to lose touch with any of you. Even as I enter my college years.

Speaking of college, education at UNLV sounds like a waste of time and money, but with the Millenium Scholarship I'm halfway from earning it shouldn't be quite a problem. After exhausting that resource to obtain my bachelor's degree in architecture I plan to take a year or two at another college just to have a taste of something different. Maybe a year in SanFran's School of Arts studying directing and animation or attending the Boston School of Arts to further my studies. Or maybe some sort of IV League Architecture school. Nonetheless, I'll be busy with school.

Of course, during this time I'll still be partying. With moderation, of course. If plans settle out fine, during my years at UNLV I'll be sharing an apartment with one or two friends downtown just to get out of the house I'm confined in at the moment. How well that endeavor will be is uncertain...

Take roadtrips with friends. Maybe 'cross-country to visit all my friends who've up and left Las Vegas.

. . .

Actually, it's almost daunting and ominous; the future is about as clear as peering through solid steel. Far too many possibilities and decisions to make in just one sitting. Far too many outcomes for one to encounter. Far too many chances with equal wins and loses.

For now, I think it's best not to plan too far ahead. For now, do what I can to get into college, and worry about after college during college for now.

. . .

In other news, going to Mary O.'s New Year's party. First stopping by the celebrations at the Alba family for an hour or so before heading down that way, but the night promises to be fun.

Almost didn't happen though. And parents are still slightly reluctant to provide transportation.

(which is why I need a license badly)

But at least they trust me more so than some other parents I could mention.

. . .

I have a secret longing. But it's almost of the Lolita kind. So I will not say it.

. . . . . posted:||1:37 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Well, you can add today to one of those unusual occurances.

Conversation with Matt on the phone started off innocently enough; he's playing FFX and I'm helping/guiding him through all the levels. The, for some odd reason, I had an urge to clean the bathroom. So I did. All the while still on the phone with Matt. Yeesh.

Now I can mark "scrub down shower while on the phone" on my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die list.

And I'm actually getting more into Saves the Day after listening to my sis' cd's for the past hour.

. . .

The new layout for the 900th entry is... semi-finished. It's not as nice as I'd like it to be (since I'm forgetting some of the html/css I knew) but oh well.

I'm too tired/annoyed with certain people to work.

. . . . . posted:||4:19 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It's kinda sad, but I realized something from watching some late-night Nickelodeon. When I was younger, I figured that the Wonder Years showed all I ever needed to know about growing up.

Heh... funny. Ironic that I forgot none of the characters' names except for the main one himself. I remember Wendy and Paul... but Fred Savage's role is strangely... oh, ne'er mind. His name's Kevin. Just popped into my mind.

As I was saying, when you're in second grade wondering why the hell everyone was starting to ignore you for being yourself, you'd turn to different places for an answer. Naturally, parents were out of the question since they were so much taller and knowledgeable. Friends would've been great, had I had more but one. And that one person wasn't my sis either; until mid-8th grade, we weren't friendly at all. Close relationship, but not quite civil.

So I watched Wonder Years. I learned through all of Kevin's mishaps the proper way to live through life:
- all you need in life is one friend, no matter how dorky either of you are
- be glad your dad's a doctor
- having a house-wife mom is completely normal
- parents stay together no matter what
- people who really love you won't yell at you when you need their help
- if you guess someone's motives, you'll end up wrong
- get through school and go to college
- be glad your older sis is in the same grade; she can't dump you in a trashcan like an older bro can.
- get a job with someone your dad knew so you can get better wages
- drive-in movies make for excellent dates, no matter how many times you go
- keep true to your friendships; they're often fragile

... at some point he starts worrying about his feelings for Wendy and vice versa. I got lost and confused at that point; I don't have any strong feelings for any of the girls in my school. So I delved deeper into my reclusiveness (although I blame some of that to my parents who wouldn't let me out of the house much)(even though I did my share to stay away from people) and near neglected all physical aspects; focusing on academia instead. If I couldn't be Kevin, I could be Paul. Then Paul started having feelings about girls too...

Needless to say, the Wonder Years soon lost its importance in my life.

. . .

Sometimes I hate having the ability to dissect myself.

. . . . . posted:||3:09 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well, "In The Bedroom" gets a nod from me for a quality (and textbook example of) Film Noir.

The movie is definitely not for the average movie goer (or for the sleepy for that matter) since it is more or less devoid of background music. One of the characters in the film summarizes with one line what a majority of the movie is all about: "... like a rest in music, quiet that is so loud." The meat of the movie is how everyone copes with death. The father shuts off all emotion while the mother lets go of her suburbian taboos.

In short, it's like "Cookie's Fortune" without Liv Tyler and comedy. And one instance of extreme blatant in-advertising. Still a good film if you're into movies that require you to think throughout it... even if you are only doing it to stay awake.

... Now I have an urge to go clean the shower/bathroom. Better not to ask why.

. . . . . posted:||1:02 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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*spanks* I took the "What FFVIII Character Am I Most Like" Quiz here!


. . . . . posted:||6:13 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
posted yesterday @12:03pm:

"Hmm... having all too much fun with my recently acquired Tarot Card deck. Last night, while chatting with some friends online, I took about half an hour to arrange all the cards into a circular mandala. Don't ask me why I did it, but it was fun... kinda.

Yesterday went down to the Forum shoppes (located in the heart of Caesar's Palace Casino) and only bought four things: the Tarot Deck (with Renaissance-influenced imagery and symbolism) from the Museum Factory, a book about graphology and other handwriting analysis methods at the Discovery Channel store, the new Blade of the Immortal volume and a book about wacky japanese fashions from Virgin Megastore. Fun 4 hour excursion to help stave off the incoming cabin fever which will surely develop in the next week.

Took down the curtains in my room because they were contributing to the oven-like qualities of my room. Grandma tried to have a conversation with me about it, but given her limited understanding/usage of the english language, she thought I was talking about appropriate times to put the curtain back on while I was explaining that my room is so much brighter now. Yeesh.

Still looking for Pastoral (the book Karen lent me) since about 8am this morning.

Possible plans for a small get-together at Matt's for New Years, or crash the party Tyler is co-hosting. Still have many other options open? Erm, maybe.

Slight "To Do" list for the remainder of the break:
- start/finish my paper for science
- start/finish the small assignment for art
- call people (DJ, Flavey, Sarah P., etc.) to talk/chat/discuss possible friendly outings
- find/read Pastoral
- work on new layout

Yeesh. Loads of work to do. Nyah.

But at least today I'm feeling great.
Need to call people. (or email them)"

. . . . . posted:||10:58 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Dad, again, stop reading this. Next time you mention it, I'm duct taping your orifaces shut.

You too sis.

(on a lighter note: Post# 894. Holy shite I write too much)

. . . . . posted:||10:57 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hn.... Has anyone else heard of the group Everything But the Girl? They do an abundance of cover songs, and their original ones sound like a mix of Mr.Wainwright and Mr. Waller's styles. Nothing bad... actually, I effing love em!

Wow, I'm actually venturing out on my own to find good music. No more listening to sis' emo collection cds for bands I like.

Nothing wrong with emo though.... well, depends on the band.

. . . . . posted:||10:49 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Fellow Las Vegan that enjoys going to Roma. ^_^ Too bad I can't do anything out on that side of town; she invited me to go watch Rocky Horror.

Finally found Pastoral and currently reading it. Funny stuff!

Looks like the party on New Year's will be at Tyler's friend's place. Now I need to find out where, when, who will be there, can we come/go in the first place, etc.

.... My chapstick smells oddly of ginseng and aloe vera. o.0

. . . . . posted:||10:42 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Well, just finished reading Jim Grimsley's Dream Boy (like I said I would) and oh holy hell that man can write! His voice throughout the entire story is so delicately written that even the moments of violence have a sense of calm behind them.

::squee:: Karen! Thanks so much for giving this one to me!

. . . . . posted:||1:17 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Hrm, this year's festivities were dwarfs in stature compared to what last year's were. And even then I was complaining about the lack of participants. My step-aunt may have the reason as to why half the family was absent: "There's feuding among the clans." Funny thing that she says that because she's Irish/Scottish (and married into a filipino family? what the hell was she thinking?!) and yet it's true. All of my greatgranduncle's side was absent, so it looks like he and grandma are fighting again. Was looking forward to all the white/ghettofied filipino girl/boyfriends my older relatives would drag to the party... oh well. Gabbo and I will have to wait till next year.

It seems that everyone took a hint from last year and, instead of horrendous outfits, got me pairs of cute boxers. Now I have 5 pairs with Snoopy and/or Woodstock on the bottom! Also $150 from all the cards I got. And candle/incense from Sarah (who has good taste in picking candles).

Today was mundane. Just played FFX and read from DreamBoy (part of Karen's gift for me) all day. At one point step-cousin Joe (the "sexy one" Christy and Sarah would say) came over before being dragged to go watch movies with the family. Thing is, I forgot to take off my "Got Pride?" shirt which elicited an interesting eyebrow raise from him, but other than that not much else.

Now, gonna read all night long so that I finish my gift/book.

. . . . . posted:||9:48 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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From McKay:

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

. . . . . posted:||11:11 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I'm borderline and I fucking hate it.

And the presence of a conscience isn't helping my predicament.

I think I've influenced everyone's actions lately. Although positively, everything's been a lie.

I'm afraid of losing everyone's trust if I ever say what I want to...

... and at some point the facade will crumble...

... and no one ever will trust me again.

No, this secret is too great to say here.

I'm sorry.

. . . . . posted:||11:02 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
This day turned from a nice movie day to complete shit.

What's worse is that I'm burning in the pyre I laid with my own hands.

I'm hanging from the noose I fashioned myself.

I'm sinking into the moore I warn others against.

And the worst part is is that I'm contemplating doing something which I haven't thought of doing in quite some time.

No, it's not suicide. Might as well be though.

. . . . . posted:||9:59 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Hehehe... the entire excursion was quite entertaining. Albeit I think I lightly/midly sprained my right ankle while ice skating (due to the fact that I can't skate and cannot balance on anything less than 3 squared inches. The employee guy on the ice had to come over to me almost each time I fell to gloat and ask me if I was alright. At one point he asked "are you sober?" :p

Bowling was extra fun though. Franny never showed up, but we still managed to have loads of fun. I did not know that Tyler knew about RENT, so imagine my surprise when he was able to belt out line after line of "Today for You, Tomorrow for Me" which was quickly proceeded by "A Thousand Sweet Kisses." ^_^

And I need to get 4 rolls of (color) film developed. They all promise to be quite interested (hehehe).

Ow. Ankle still hurts.

I did not know that FFX was out already! Luckily, I learned that fact a couple days ago resulting in... my acquisition of it tonight! And oh lordy is that game downright gorgeous! *_*

Okee, enough Squaresoft worshiping.

. . . . . posted:||11:10 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Gwah. The entire house is suffering from my grandma's insistance of being the only cleaner. Just because you can't reach a certain spot doesn't mean that you should leave it unkept. I'm tempted to put some Windex to the windows surrounding the computer but...

I have other plans today. First, visit grandpa's grave because grandma had a vision yesterday which compelled her to want to visit. Is it true or is it one of her elaborate stories again? I highly doubt it's validity, especially when this morning she was grieving over her cousin who died. She has a tendency to lie a lot.

Afterwards, skating/bowling with a bunch of friends (Karen, Matt, Tyler, Franny) for a couple of hours so I can get out of the house and avoid my duties to homework yet again.

Feeling apprehensive to write some of my thoughts here. I'd be more comfortable if people I knew in real life didn't read this, but I still want then to know a bit more about me. Still... it's a bad trend/habit to with hold information and let worries and doubts fester, huh?

On a lighter note, I played videogames on the big screen TV last night! Omoshirokatta yo!

. . . . . posted:||11:34 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Exhausted. A grueling 3 hours using the new PSAT program to study.

My eyes hurt! ;_;

. . . . . posted:||10:28 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I'm gonna sing the doom song now! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom Doom! Doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom! Doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom! Doom doom doom! The end! Oh wha's that?

Take the Invader Zim quiz!

. . . . . posted:||4:02 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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It's cold. It's fucking cold. And if my house was cold, imagine how I felt during the 40 minutes wait outside in the cold for my dad to pick me up.

This just hits too close to home. Well, I'm more or less at the beginning of that whole thing, but still... I'm tired of being confined.

Home has a talent for extracting stories from me. I love him/ hate him for it.

Sign that I'm feeling hesistant, apprehensive, etc.: watching Moulin Rouge on the tv isn't improving my mood.

Still need to hear from Sarah about any possible group outings during winter break.

It seems that my day stays fine until I'm allowed five minutes to think. Perhaps this is why people obtain hobbies to pass the time.

I need to start writing again. Drawing and art offer no solace.

I need to...

... shit.

I hate being melodramatic. But at the moment I can't help it.

. . . . . posted:||7:43 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
So much blood. Everywhere I turn I can see blood somewhere... Hell, my sketchbook assignment's about the blood flowing down the streets of Budapest. Not too surprising given the fact that I recently finished playing Silent Hill 2 the first time 'round.

Still wallowing in... something... so my mood's not that great at the moment.

During photo Lauren and I decided to go walk 'round campus (since we were both done with our assignments) and met up with Leilani shortly thereafter. Walked over to the theater and talked about various miscellany (i.e. misunderstandings in Leilani's group, Lauren's masochistic boyfriends, my recent obsession with photography and stretching, etc.) when Lauren says something which triggered a memory in the back of my mind. Couldn't fully recall the memory till later that night... but it was one of extreme happiness.

::cracks neck:: ow.

Karen wants to go skating sometime during the weekend. Although an outing with friends sounds fun... I can't skate worth shit. Attempting to and embarassing myself wouldn't do much for my self image either... but I think I'll still go. Maybe bring along a sketchbook and practice my gesture drawing on the people skating.

Day by day Winter Break looks like it's going to be long and busy. I have that science paper to rewrite/finish, study for the next upcoming PSAT, work on my over-vacation assignment for art, all while balancing friend outings, family gatherings, and moments of peaceful silence.

Oh holy fuck I'm screwed.

. . . . . posted:||12:37 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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I'm not happy most of the times; I'm manic. But that doesn't stop me from having some fun.

::smile:: I don't think I've completely understood friendship (except for the bond sis and I have) till I met Matt. It's something that transcends feelings of attraction, past infatuations, and when strong enough it can break down barriers. I've found a home in Matt which I've never had anywhere else. And I'm all the more thankful each time we talk to know him.

... but he can't stand to see me miserable this past week, so he's trying his hardest to find me a boyfriend. Although that would be nice, I think I'll do something which Matt even said himself: "I don't want a boyfriend right now because I don't want them to have to deal with my problems as well as their own." Something so selfless hasn't been heard in such a long time. ^_^

And yes, Karen, we both tend to talk about Matt far too much.

. . . . . posted:||12:41 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Yeah... complete resurgence of self-esteem deficiency.

And I fear an ulcer any moment.

Almost had one while trying to hold back coughs during art.

. . . . . posted:||7:03 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ugh... today wasn't any better either.

Lately I've had the peculiar notion to stretch for hours on end. It started on Sunday before going to the mall with Matt. Just did a few simple stretches for about... three hours. Yesterday I stretched for another three hours and after that (while talking to Matt on the phone no less) another three hours. Today I started stretching during World History and, save passing periods, continued to stretch in all my classes.

Was feeling excessively flirty today so, during chemistry, pecked Nick on the cheek when he held mistletoe over his head and cuddled up to Taylor while playing Uno for our activity (read: free) period. Later, for no reason what so ever, people were playing spin the bottle at my lunch table, and I ended up pecking the underside of Marcy's chin. Got a quick peck onto DJ's cheek as I was exiting the cafeteria.

Tomorrow's victim list: Zack, Will, Anne, Mary, Christen, Claire, Chris. ^_^

That's about the only high point of the day.

.... bizarre. At this moment flocks, gaggles, and migrations of birds are situating themselves all around the backyard wall. I knew something was up when, while driving into the driveway, I saw five or so crows fly by rather lowly.

. . . . . posted:||2:46 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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So... I think I'm finally over Matt. (empty promise, I know... shu'p!)

The current situation in the vast gameboard of my life:

Barto- parents still tentative about him being bi, but he's making many strides in acquiring himself a boyfriend... or at least seducing one of his "straight" friends and severely flirting/heavy-petting with another bi-guy.

Matt- now more or less with Tyler, but is convicted even more so to obtain a better figure so that he can look good in numerous different muscle shirts. Again, for Tyler. And recieved a bit ego boost from all the complements I told him my friends said.

Nick- sharing my pain about boyfriends and our weight.

Justin- not quite sure... but I think he's a bit more over his recent ex-status.

... I add later. Don't feel so hot at the moment.

. . . . . posted:||9:42 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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I thought that the dance would've been the highlight of the weekend, but it appears that the events with the most impact happened afterwards.

Today at noon sis and I hitched a ride with Matt to the mall to finish up our Xmas shopping. We were suppose to meet Karen at the foodcourt but, thanks to our driver (Matt's bro), we were twenty minutes late. Eventually found her and not as much chewing out as I'd expect. After a lite lunch, headed out into the mall.

Bought an Invader Zim shirt at Hot Topic, then headed over to Anchor Blue to see if Joe was working today. The stepcousin wasn't, but Matt had an unusual idea and wanted to have a mini-fashion show. So, the two girls and I scowered the store for items which we felt he would look good in, and thrust them upon the poor boy. Sis brought her disposable camera so we took pictures of the different outfits. Afterwards, Wherehouse Music where they bought CD's and I listened to some Guns and Roses, Hot Cats where I got a much needed red belt, Claire's for Cat's other friends, and Suncoast for Karen's enjoyment. However... had to cut the excursion short since Matt's brother was growing impatient.

Got home at 3:30, slept, talked on the phone with Barto for a bit, slept, went to church to sing, sucked, went back home, called people.

First Matt because grandma mentioned that he had given a ring. Talked about such and such until Barto called the other line. Had the ingenius idea to position the two phones in such a way that the two could speak to eachother finally. Long long LONG conversation ranging from that night's Simpsons to the common link that all three of us shared: the need to get a boy-mate. Barto, after his semi-sultry weekend at his friend's house, is on the verge of getting one. Matt has the whole thing with Tyler which may or may not bring about fruition. I'm stuck pining over the guy I'm helping set up. Oh, and James IM'd me midway into the conversation and, thanks to some comments, made me remember things I cared not to... not because they're painful, but because it hurts to think of it at my present situation. And I can't tell if he notices..

Ugh... and here I thought I could relax these past two days.

. . . . . posted:||11:48 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Which Rocky character are you?

Heeee. ^_^

. . . . . posted:||9:11 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
... Why must I be prone to jealousy? It's such a dangerous and ugly emotion; whenever I feel envy, I feel like gouging my eyes out in disgust. Still... there's nothing to quell those evil panes of emotion. I'm saddened.

And I don't think I can go to the mall with Matt today.

. . . . . posted:||6:17 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ugh... this sickens me.

(brought to my attention via psionic)

. . . . . posted:||5:53 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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"I could have danced all night! I could have danced all night! And still had begged for moore!"

I want to commit this night to my memory (or atleast get it down on here before I forget the small details). First off, I was wearing an all-black ensemble and a red tie with my usual jacket over it (left untucked because I hate tucked shirts). Parents drove me over to Matt's where he beat me to the door. He had on an 8 button khaki coat with a business-suit-esque attire under it. Said hi and bye to his dad and went into the car. Dad mentions the CD he left in the van the last time we drove him places so they took it out and gave it to him... Naturally I mention that he won't be able to hold it throughout the dance, so they put the CD back where it was.

Get to school where I meet up with a shivering Claire, Leilani, Adrian, and Nick. Matt acts like a gentleman and offers his coat to Leilani while Claire wraps me around her like a human blanket. Later we see Zack approach (::insert slight swoon::) and attempt to maintain body heat through conversation, jumping up and down, and having everyone breath into the center of a circle... Riight. After a time we just decide to go in and screw the people everyone was waiting for... only to meet them on the way to the entrance.

Got inside and, to the left, P.A. was funding and managing a coat-check service for those who didn't want to hold onto their heavy frocks throughout the dance. While inline I greeted Lauren and Alexa with a nice hug etc. etc. Went inside to a gym strewn with white christmas lights. The theme for this event was "An Evening in Paris" so they had an effigy of the eiffel tower (also outlined in lights) next to the little platform. Refreshments were served (for free no less!) right next to the large speakers...

While inside, Matt meets up with someone he knew back in middle school so they chit chat for a while. Eventually I drag the both of them to get some drinks and walk back to where we stood. Talked some more, drank, and then the fun started. Lauren went up to me just as "Lady Marmalade" began and, seeing how the both of us were MR fanatics, began to dance with me. Lots of fun...

Okay, so most of the dance was a daze. Some highlights to note:

- The sight of Missy and Claire dancing the Macarena in the most provocative ways possible (Jyl, you're missing out!) later followed with an entire circle of most of my female friends grinding.

- Joey and his date. The boy wasn't lying when he said that his boyfriend was cute! Couple that with both their abilities to dance and that was a sight to see... especially when they popped on the swing dance music.

- Lauren taught Matt how to freak dance ("He's a natural!" she says) so he danced with her a lot. Sometimes I got in for a threeway grind session or fourway when Alexa came over.

- Marlowe winning the Duchess of Sophomore Class. I'm so happy for her!

- Slow dancing with Matt at least 5 times. The first time he was a bit reluctant, but by the last time he wasn't as up tight and apprehensive about it. I had forgotten how it felt to rest my head on another guy's chest while dancing.... Mmmm

- Matt slow dancing with Tyler. It's interesting seeing a 6' freshmen dance with a 5'5" senior. Later, Matt was asking further about him and wanted to know if he would be interested. Well, we'll see come Monday morning. Thing is... I don't talk to Tyler too much. And I'm suppose to ask him for Matt about some stuff...

- Matt actually talking about guys. Normally he's always chatting about hot girls; so much that sometimes I disbelieve that he's bi/questioning. But tonight... a kind of affirmation I guess. That side of him is finally coming through more. It's a bit selfish to want him to be completely (or slightly more than half) but I feel weird about not being able to talk about cute guys together.

One thing though... I know I'll be suffering some sort of backlash thanks to this. My infatuation with Matt at this point hadn't been too severe... but feeling his arms around me and the warmth from his body... it's too much. And I made a stupid gesture by telling my friend James that we could never be together because we're so alike. I wouldn't mind that too much, but I think that he's not interested because I'm not really that cute/handsome... A terrible thing to say because I know it's complete bullshit, but still... Don't know how much longer I can control myself before I start resorting to unusual measures...

... and I get to see him tomorrow (possibly) at the mall if I can get a ride.

.... oh fuck

... I'm sorry I'm being so dramatic but...

.. I really didn't want the night to end.

. . . . . posted:||11:17 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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It snowed. Not a lot, but enough that I could catch one on my tongue.


. . . . . posted:||3:00 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Hee... playing word games with Matt on the phone till his parents yell at us to get some sleep. Tottemo omoshiroi yo! Anagrams are a fun thing; but I need to work on learning how to arrange letters better.

Day was semi-okay. Wanted to go to P.A. but stupid DeeDee from the church choir kicked back the final rehearsal time to 5:00pm... and when I take the late bus home, I get there at 6:00. Needless to say... didn't attend club today. Showed my support by wearing the club shirt though!

The concert rehearsal for church was hectic, unorganized, highly unprofessional (in the preparation department), and gave the overall appearance of a slap-and-paste production. Difference between this year's and last year's? Last year we pulled off the show with at least a sense of accomplishment. This year... things aren't so reassuring.

Bah... need to get to work on my chemisty.

. . . . . posted:||10:39 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
So, it's almost half past midnight, and what am I doing? Resting after two gruesome hours goldfoiling a canvas to paint on. My lordy that took forever... at least now I've established more or less a technique to it... Speaking of which, it's lying under two amps right now so the foil can flatten. Hehehe.

Sis is still up, still procrastinating, still cramming to get her piece for art done, still downing coffee after coffee.

The phone conversation with Matt today (albeit short) got me thinking... I'm happy with the way life's turning out. Sure, it's not exactly "hugs and puppies" at the moment (or most moments for that matter) but the way I see it: I could be stuck in AZ where my friend might've never had the courage to come out, hiding in my closet till my university years, lacked the skill and technique to become the artist I wanted to be, become more and more obsessively otaku, living in a place where white people aren't the minority (seriously, in certain places in Vegas (*coughclarkehighschoolcough*) the white population is significantly low) and I would've have contact with those like me, and my dad wouldn't be as agreeable since his job would be far more stress-inducing. And I would never have met such amazing and interesting/talented/intelligent people at my school.

Ack... getting tired! And I haven't even worked out yet... it must be the 2 hours spent at church today practicing for the Xmas pageant (to be followed on thursday afternoon by 3 hours of rehearsal and the final production on friday) and the sheer need for calories inorder to act like the carpenter.

.... Nyarh.

. . . . . posted:||12:21 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Hmmm... I severely enjoy director Peter Greenaway's work. So far I've seen three of his movies ("The Pillow Book", "Prospero's Book", "8 1/2 Women") and have loved each. More often than not, the story and subject matter deals with the imagery and place of sensuality and seduction within society. "The Pillow Book" deals with a woman's fetish of having her skin caligraphied on, and her use of sexual manipulation to first get her work published, then to obtain a book made of her lover's skin. "8 1/2 Women" deals with a father and son who, upon opening a brothel, test the limits of sexual desire with thenselves and eachother. Even "Prospero's Book", an adaptation of Shakespeare's "The Tempest," is filled with highly provocative imagery. Also, he has a talent for the juxtaposition of images on the screen which gives normal surroundings a surreal aire and sense of impeccable balance.

Basically, he's the type of director that Baz Luhrman would be if he were on prozak.

. . . . . posted:||4:05 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Take the Affliction Test Today!
You start, innocently enough, with a headache; a fever; chills. Nothing special. Might as well be the flu. But that is only the beginning.

You move on through the unpleasant symptoms list, inducing vomiting, abdominal pain and diarrhea. You start to shut down the kidney and liver, and start to cause bleeding both internally and externally, with little or no clotting. Finally, the patient crashes and bleeds out, in a veritable explosion of blood. Anyone who has contact with that blood, or any of the patient's body fluids while s/he is infected, is also liable to get you. Now that's what I'm talking about!

. . . . . posted:||1:26 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Which Evil Criminal are You?

You're famous for your shoes (enough that you eventually opened an entire museum of them), and sometimes lauded as a celebrity. But underneath, you're still the woman who spent billions of dollars of money stolen from the Filipino population; theft that lead to extreme poverty.

Your husband, Ferdinand Marco, stole well over $5 billion, and plunged the entire country into heavier and heavier debt. Your response? Spend it. Spend it all.

Even when you claim to have reformed, sources estimate that you illegally hold $12 billion worth of shares. I guess luxury's just your style.


Ha. Figures. Well... minus her grand shoe fetish yes.

. . . . . posted:||1:16 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Well... retook this test. The results are (thankfully) not as severe as last time's.


-- Click Here To Take The Test --

. . . . . posted:||3:44 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I hate being sick. What's worse than the stuffy noses and sore throats are the concotions I'm forced to down to help my condition. Pills are easy to handle (practically tasteless and agreeable with my nearly-nonexistant gag reflex) but anything liquidy that has the same texture as liver while going down your throat is just NOT fun. But, anything to get well before this Saturday!

I'm happy that some of my photos are turning out extremely well. So much that, as soon as I finish editing/slaughtering Matt's story, I'm getting to work on a new layout.

Break out the Christina Aguilera Xmas CD!

.... nargh

Oh, the house next to mine... in the heart of Las Vegas suburbia... got their front door and car swastika'd. Even had the news o'er here and everything. How depressing.

. . . . . posted:||3:32 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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A little more than an hour later (plus three layers of body-heat-trapping clothing and two cups of coffee) I'm feeling better.

It seems that a lot of my friends are making an effort to better their physical state... okay, Nikki and Claire's diet aside, Rica's been trying to recapture her athletic abilities. Reminds me of what I'm trying to do right now; instead of just trying to lose weight, I'm trying to regain the flexibility, speed, skill, stamina, etc. I had during the time that I practiced martial arts. However... it's no fun doing it alone! I need someone to spar with me so that I can work on my reflexes as well... but sis was never good at the "actual combat" part so she's of no help. Nargh.

... Invader Zim slashfics? Oh. Good. Lord.

Still need to get my hour of exhertion in before I go to bed... poo

And I still do NOT want to go to Japanese tomorrow morning... funny how I love the language, my class (for the most part), and my teacher but hate the actual class itself. It's just far too boring and textbook for my taste.

However... looking forward to photo. I have raunchy photos to print. ^_^

. . . . . posted:||10:32 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well, hopefully now this page should've updated a bit.

(sorry to bother ya Davey)

Day didn't go to well... was hyper in the morning till English were I got slammed for a disorganized notebook, neglecting to put a name on one of my assignments, and forgot to bring my textbook to class that day.

History class was spent (at the beginning at least) hustling to finish an assignment, took mundane notes, read "The Song of Roland" translated into english, and almost fell asleep.

Chemistry was sleepable. Chatted with Brady whom I haven't talked to in quite a long while.

Art notes consisted of the end of the Roman Empire and the artforms of Early Christianity. Did I mention that I had religious ed class tonight? I did NOT need to have all that reitterated back to me.

Seems like today I've been extremely borderline... and I read about 100 pages from Gaiman-sensei's Neverwhere. Which is good because it's an interesting read, but bad because I'll be done with it soon.


. . . . . posted:||9:19 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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"How can I be sure all this is going to last? How do I know that this isn't all some strange little excursion?"

"What do you mean?"

"I just want to know. I want to know how serious things are while they're going in this direction. Reassure me that this isn't some trip into the more 'care-free' side. The one without the whole engagement, marriage, kids, divorce cycle. But the one without promises for longterm relationships. You do want a family of your own, right?"

"Well, yes. But we could always adopt. Or I could get my sister to--"

"You'll never be content. I know you. You want the traditional family in a comfortable setting."


"Afterall, what would your colleagues say when you bring your boyfriend to the company family picnics? No, you want the security of a conventional ideal."

"What's wrong with finding comfort in security? What's wrong with getting settled down and having those 2.5 kids everyone else is having?"

"Because those plans could never include me! You want sons and daughters that you can raise from the very beginning. I really don't want kids, and I sure as hell can't give you any!"

"I don't need children to make me happy!"

"Of course you do! Why else would you want to get married?!"

"You dummy..."


"Yes, dummy! If I needed children why did I stay with you for so long?!"


"You see... I need you. I want you. I don't need anything else."

"Good... because I can't completely believe that."

. . . . . posted:||9:12 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Three Miles Down" -Saves the Day
Oh great
here I go again I'm stuck in this rut
and I'm not sure how to begin- should I tell you everything?
I'm feeling out of luck so I won't see you soon
'cause I know it's too soon for you to see me-
if this is the last thing you do just tell me that it's o.k. for me to have these feelings for you
and that it's normal to want to call you.
Oh I'm dialing the phone and I'm letting it ring for hours and I'm pretending to hear your voice-
Why does my heart always beat before yours does?
After a while you can make yourself believe in almost anything,
so I'm making myself believe in you.

. . . . . posted:||8:47 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Wheeee! I'm NEKKID!!!

... no, not really. Just extreeeemely hyper from the post-concert-ness!

The concert itself was great. At first I thought it would suck since when we go there, the line already went around the grate. But... We used some connections and managed to get into the front of the line!

Spent the entire time jumping up and down to the sounds of Thursday, Hey Mercedes, and Saves the Day. The lead singer of STD (Chris) made my day with his usual seductive hip-motions... too bad he's married/engaged. :( But at least the lead guitarist is still as cute as ever! (and it helps that I (accidently) grabbed his crotch when he crowdsurfed)

I was wearing my P.A. club t-shirt to the concert tonight (the one that says "got pride?") over a red sweater. It was fun! Funny how Emo music attracts so many gay guys... in the front row alone I counted 7! Matt was asking me if he could ask them to have a quickie with me which I (tentatively) said no to.

Speaking of which, before leaving for the concert, Matt came early so that we could "spike" his hair. I thought he wanted serious spikes so I was trying my best to spike em... but apparently he just wanted it colored and gelled. -_- It was fun playing a hairstylist though.

Also, on the ride home (after being so completely hyper) I was stuck in the back seat with Matt next to me. Started to get sleepy, so I decided to use his shoulder as a pillow.

Is it a good sign that I fit perfectly into his side?

And that his cologne's still clinging to my shirt.

Oh well, I can dream. ^_^

Must talk to/ annoy Barto tomorrow!

. . . . . posted:||12:14 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Christy's parents are being uncompromising bastards again.

Sister's asking annoying questions again while watching "Lord of the Flies." ("did he want to kill him?" "no, he's just using that monster image to motivate his tribe." "but is there really a monster?" "no. again, it's for the motivate of his tribe.")... You'd think that she was the younger sibling (and not the perceptive straight-A student).

Matt's making me jealous again. I can't handle all the teasing.

I'm quickly becoming tired of all this concert going. I want to do something different like driving in the Mini Grand Pre or whooping ass at Gameworks. Or hell, how about a tour of all the roller coasters in town?

Also, what little figure I've been working hard to obtain is being lost. All these late-night excursions are tiring me extremely. And screw the 20pg research paper for science.


. . . . . posted:||1:20 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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::yawns:: So tired...

During photo today I was skipping/jumping a lot. During that entire period I was so hyper... And my photos (except for about 5 of the ones of Lauren) came out so well! ^_^ ... well, negatives anyways. Now I'm just itching to get my prints done and see how well they turned out. I think I'll be doing a lot of studio shots from now on.

Gonna sleep now. G'night.

. . . . . posted:||3:42 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Hee... tonight was fun!

The gallery show was big, wonderful, and crowded. My piece was a bit out of the way, but still noticable once the columns didn't interupt the line of sight. Matt came o'er to the house before we drove over to the library. Got there almost halfway through the night, so some of my friends had already gone and left the show. The few that remained I introduced Matt (and Karen who me met up with in the gallery). I'm surprised that people were impressed with my piece... And surprise of the night: Eric Hannell (from summer school '99) was there with his other friends from ATech and still looking as fucking incredible (if not more so) than I remember him.

Christine was going around asking people about their thoughts for a column she's writing for the school paper... hopefully it will help remove the sour taste another article about the show (written by another art major no less) practically slaughtered it. Cristin and Emily got "married" infront of one of the larger sculptures and were all lovey-dovey the whole night. Nero (a.k.a. John from the back room) got a tad bit pissed that the ostrich meat he had cast in resin started to leak and drip down the wall of the gallery. Circus and Eva were over at their pieces every five minutes to fix the wiring so that the lights and sounds actually functioned.

Only regret: I missed the pageantry of the opening ceremony.

Afterwards, treated Matt to some real chinese food. Did ask him to Winter Formal, but I figured that the way I was originally going to do it would be far too dramatic... and he gets plenty of that from his different ex-girlfriends.

Speaking of which... I need to bother him about this girl he's going to ask out.

Now I have a lot of energy to finish up my homework and work on my assignment for art/ read more of Neverwhere.

Oh, and yes I need to work out a bit.

. . . . . posted:||11:09 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
::whistles: I'm getting ready to go out toniiiight!

Been in quite the flipant mood since I donned the pair of wings at the last class of the day (seriously, I was wearing a pair). Not to mention the constant singing/rhythmic shoulder rolling to Angel's torch song. (the one from Rent).

And photo shoot with DJ went... well. A lot of people (mainly DJ's gang) thought we were doing something inappropriate in there... Technically we did (near-nude photos) but no actual banging involved. And DJ gave me one hell of a self-esteem boost. ::smiles:: I really needed that.

Well, have to go get my formal wear on.

. . . . . posted:||3:49 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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... yeah, my day was good till about 9:15 tonight.

Japanese: Same old same old, except that Toru (the Japanese intern) taught the lesson that day. Also saw an episode of "HeyHeyHey! Music Champ" (and comedy/music show) with Chemistry performing... that sent Rica into near-orgasmic spasms of delight.

Photo: Learned how to make a contact print and to solarize a photo... afterwards, raunchy photos of Lauren with wings and in her red-and-black-lace bra and matching underwear. ^_^ I'm amazed at the things I can get people to do.

Algebra: Same old same old.

Lunch: Found it really funny that DJ thought that Cooper was cute (considering half the school... the other half that doesn't think DJ's cute... likes him as well) especially with the beanie he had on.

Art: Sister Wendy video viewing. I actually enjoyed it, although most of my classmates obviously did not. Oh well, I guess I'm one of the few who appreciate Art History.

Choir practice afterschool at church was.... mediocre. Got a chance to belt out high notes at the risk of cracking them, but my lack of independence while singing harmony was extremely evident. Found out Sarah's big secret, but will not disclose it.

Later, Matt calls and talks with Cat before I come in from the living room after reading about Budapest in the encyclopedias by the light of the christmas tree. Talked about stuff, when he said how much his week sucked.

Just when I'm beginning to think that friendship is trite, he manages to convince me otherwise. His method of coping with his unfortunate situation is thinking about his friends, and how his life would probably be very different (or non-existant at all) if he hadn't met our lil group during summer school... ::smiles::

But this was one (possibly the first) conversation with him that didn't leave me happy once it was over. And I refuse to say why.

. . . . . posted:||10:07 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Lately, I've been getting Matt into a lot of Comicality's stories... but high holy hell that guy's a fucking talent!.. Then again, could just be the fact that I sympathize with most of his characters (mainly the underdogs) so I'm a bit biased. However, he still has a gift for drawing a reader into a character's mind and/or world. Exquisite.

Still trying to compile all of my friends' Xmas presents. I need to find out what things Karen really enjoys (besides 3x4 fanfic/art), something cute for Sarah, something that could potentially annoy Andy yet be hilarious at the same time, something for Flavey, something for DJ, Taylor, and their gang of freshmen, and something for the entire group at lunch. Whew! I might not even have enough money for the upcoming dance unless I pull a quick Martha Stewart.

Jacqueline du Pre, you are my effing goddess!

Sarah left quite the enigmatic message... what is this "big news" she speaks of? Hope it's not another baby to add to her 4 other sibs... or her moving. I'll have to bug her about that sometime.

Attempted to make a feather weaving on a canvas loom I made... but the damned feathers were too fluffy and not the sleek tone I desired... that and the frame for my loom was far too small and the thread far too thin.

... Early in the morning? Yes. Evidence: I'm hyper yet ready to go to bed.

. . . . . posted:||2:17 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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::shock:: Someone has written a manga on the life of Ludwig II Die Einfuhrung (king of Bavaria)?! Yes!

I guess... if reincarnation worked on a principle of parallels... I would've been him in a past life. Afterall, he's as eccentric and passionate about every aspect of life as I while at times remaining reclusive at times.


. . . . . posted:||11:13 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

If I were a work of art, I would be Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa.

I am extremely popular and widely known. Although unassuming and unpretentious, my enigmatic smile has charmed millions. I am a mystery, able to be appreciated from afar, but ultimately unknowable and thus intriguing.

Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

... eep.

. . . . . posted:||9:16 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
::slight chuckle::

I've been doing something lately which I find EXTREMELY entertaining... going on GayPersonals and seeing if I can find any of my friends have put their ad up. No surprise that DJ's is up, as well as Joey's... Still laughing at some of the things they put up there, but that makes me want to write up a personal ad of my own. Then again... no.

Ahem... anyways. At the risk of sounding like a gym queen, I love the fact that my upper arm is now developing a spherical shape instead of something resembling a tree trunk. On the down side, I've been starved since about a month ago.

Apparently people haven't been to keen on keeping secrets this past month. DJ showed me a note JV wrote to him (calling him a DQ and MF), Christy blatantly talked to Matt 'bout me (Roma's not that large dear, I can hear you across the room of born-again-gay-christians), etc. Doesn't seem like it's safe to talk to anyone about anything these days unless the listener is more than 100 miles away.

PLAN test tomorrow. Blargh. I hate pre-tests, especially since I had to pay for this one.

Interesting note. On one of my mailing lists discussing Utena (which has more or less been dead since that anime has been fully played out), someone was speaking about teaching a "mini-course" about the parallels of Utena and the Japanese-feminist movement. Shortly thereafter, someone accuses the idea of "Japanese-feminism" as a bigger sham than big foot. The other person gives a rebuttle(sp), describing how the Japanese Feminist Movement (and indeed, Japanese women in general) has been in steady progression since the Heian period, yet due to cultural differences most Westerners are dismissive and give in to the stereotypes. Because of Japan's emphasis on subtlety, it is far from likely (and ultimately incompatible) for women to rally together in large picket lines screaming for Women's Sufferage... Just wanted to share a perfect example of cross-culture misunderstanding. And the subject of a political movement that is very subtle intrigues me.

Currently, I'm blasting the entire soundtrack to RENT on the comp. (at 12:30am?! surprised parents haven't come down to bust my ass)

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

Okay, gotta stop typing and rambling on. I have a book to bind for english class, afterall.

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Spent last night setting up the christmas tree with dad... Well, technically I did most of the work since he went to the living room and crashed on the couch halfway through setting up that mass of plasticity. Shortly after dad backed out, Barto called and we just chatted about how basically, in the boyfriend/infatuation department, we're fucked. Thankfully, he gave up on his hopeless crush (the guy's a strict mormon with a blonde/blue girlfriend and a complete jock-ego) so I don't have to hear about that anymore. But... he's still hung over two of our friends (which disturbs/amuses me because one of them I had a slight thing with... apparently he doesn't want to acknowledge that... and the other one is someone I didn't completely consider boyfriend material) (especially since both of them sort of use my friend) so I'll hear no end to that... especially with Winter Formal coming up. Then again, I have my own pains about that subject. :(

Saturday was spent listening/watching sis' youth orchestra perform. The orchestras did pretty well this performance... although the brass section (due to their small numbers) had the most noticable mistakes... and in certain sections the brass and percussion got off rhythm. Also spent the time talking with friends from LVA who're in the orchestra... and trying not to get jealous of friend Brady.

Afterwards, treated Wendy to dinner at Olive Garden where I got really depressed for some reason. (audience:"we all know what it is!") The waiter we had looked like Robert Lowe, another who was flirting with two girls looked like Ed, and the guy pouring glasses of wine for sampling had to do it with one arm because his other was on a sling.

I'm pissed at my parents for depriving me of a chance to actually work out. The garage door needs to be fixed so they cleared out everything in the garage including the workout equipment. At least it gives me time to recover from the soreness I got from the concert.

Completely dreading the three hours of church today. Don't wanna go. Just feel like sulking in my bed... or online to anyone who'll... scratch that, I hate ranting to someone online. (audience: "then why do you have a blog?!")

Still have to make that book for english.

And begin work on my art assignment.

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Concert last night rocked but I'll save that for later.

Today is World AIDS Day. In celebration of this day (and the following month) I've added a gif to the intro page. Also, here's my final assessment of my AIDS piece:

What is your message about AIDS that you are trying to convey? Why did you feel so strongly about this message? How did you research for this topic and what are you basing your facts on?
For my piece I chose to address the emotions and coping methods of mothers with HIV infected newborns through various religious symbols. During my research while I was reading several stories about my topic, I noticed a trend that a majority of the mothers turned to religion one way or another for an answer. Some mothers trusted their belief in the supernatural and hoped for the soul of their babies when they eventually passed on while others expressed their anger by turning their sorrow on their own religious foundations. Thus I have items in my piece that are revered (ex. the holy cards, the white lily) while others have been defiled (ex. the sword of coins, the rice smothered in ash). To gain an understanding for the emotions, I read several articles, anthologies, and online websites where these particular mothers shared their stories. Then, I researched symbols which paralleled the emotions and ordeals that I had read about and tried to choose from several different beliefs. Afterwards I arranged these symbols and items over and over in my sketches until I found the composition which would best fit all these aspects. I feel that my piece does well in addressing this social issue.

What do you want your audience to react to when they look at your piece and how have you created this impact in your sculpture?
First and foremost I want my audience to feel a sense of reverence and respect for those mothers who have gone through these ordeals by giving my piece the form of a sort of shrine. Many shrines have an arch shape incorporated into their general design which I alluded to using not only the shape of my piece (the bookshelf) but also with the use of gold foil to give certain areas a sense of divinity and holiness. I didnít want to make a bold statement about my subject matter for I think that it is one which should be treated with delicacy and care. After all, the loss of any newborn is something to mourn. So, I created a composition for my items which helps to tie everything together without a strong emphasis on one part compared to the next. I grouped items which have the same connotation next to each other so that the natural contrast of the shelves wouldnít be so prominent. Also, the use of tree branches in every shelf helps to unify the appearance of this piece.

What will your audience gain by viewing your project?
I hope that my audience will feel further sympathy for the struggle mothers with HIV infected newborns have to traverse. Through the use of religious symbolism Iíve told some of their tales without explicitly stating each womanís identity or complete story. Rather, I want my audience to see how a full and immense range of emotion can be experienced if one were to be in such a situation. Some will cope with the severely short life of their child while others will become angered and hateful at anything because they feel that their child had been snatched from them unfairly. Perhaps after viewing and understanding my piece, I can make people more inclined to help these mothers instead of the quiet and non-support several of these mothers received from family as well as friends.

How well do you think your message comes across with the physical aspects of your sculpture? How has the message been coordinated with the overall appearance of your sculpture? Describe your over all sculpture as it relates to your message and the symbolism used for each concept.
The message of my piece isnít one which can be easily understood from merely viewing it. The audience needs to know a bit of the background and meanings of the symbolism I used, which I wanted to happen. If my message were apparent instantaneously it wouldnít be interesting. Instead of slamming my subject matter into the audienceís face, I inferred the matter by weaving symbolism concerning the mother throughout the piece. For instance, the fruit represents fertility, the womb, and reproduction. However, the rotting pear shows the motherís inability to produce offspring who can survive into adulthood. Also, the glass jar of rice (a staple of Asian diet and a symbol of life) smothered in ashes (an item of many different cultures used to represent death) further gives the sense of the defilement of life. The holy card of the Virgin Mary with her Child (a saint/image generally prayed to by mothers with newborns for protection) shows how close the mother and child bond is while the card of Stephen (the first saint to be martyred) suggests an early death. The polaroids on top show how some mothers find themselves imagining how their childís life would have progressed if they didnít die so young. But the instant-images associated with polaroids further suggests that, unlike real photos which require a long time to develop, these images are only fleeting and not quite real. Weaving all of these aspects together is the presence of tree branches which are omnipresent in every religion, often a symbol of fertility (the thick branches with their brittle leaves on the bottom showing the realization of oneís infertility), protection (the branches shielding the contents of the middle shelf), and a source for new life and growth (the barren twigs which still retain green stems that could grow further.

How did you incorporate the following technical aspects into your sculpture? The criteria says to incorporate a variety of the following techniques into your sculpture.
Aside from assembling items, I used many different sculpting techniques. The most obvious one is the amount of gold leafing I did. I used two different types of gold leaf for the ship wheel on the first shelf and used gold leaf which wouldnít keep too neat on the holy cards and the Sefirot Tree in the back of the middle shelf. Painting was used primarily on the faux polaroids located on the top shelf and the fake pears located on the bottom shelf which were also constructed using compound and plaster. The coin sword is carved from balsa wood and is rusted using fake metal. Also, I used heat to sculpt and texture the two red candles.

How did your idea stay the same or deviate from your original thumbnail sketch and why?
Depending on how you look at it, my piece has changed significantly from the original sketches I made. At first I wanted to use a baby cradle for my box but I quickly realized how trite that would be so I re-did my sketches incorporating the use of a trunk. This is when I started to truly refine the symbolism I researched about and how I could best go about doing it. However, I wasnít completely satisfied with the sense of unity I couldnít achieve till I discovered the book shelf at a garage sale. Generally, the items in my sketches have been kept the same yet some had to be modified to fit the new box. Naturally, new thumbnails had to be drawn first. The holy cards were originally going to be attached to a mobile, however there was no proper way of accomplishing that so instead I suspended them to the shelves. Also, the coin sword was originally suppose to be a large repousee but had to be modified because one couldnít see the repousee in the very back of the last shelf. In the end, I was satisfied with the final appearance of my piece.

How and why do you think your project reflects intense hard work. What did you work on at home? How well did you organize your time in class?
I know for a fact that I worked extremely hard on this piece. Everyday I made sure that I had something on my project to work on, no matter how small or tedious. Despite my inexperience with a majority of the sculpting materials, I persisted and tried many different techniques before I found the one which would best suit the situation. Carving the coin sword out of balsa wood took many hours and a weekend to accomplish. Needless to say, I took the smaller items which needed work back home to be done. I took worked on carving the coin sword, shaping the two pairs, painting the images onto the polaroids, and gold leafing the holy cards at home when I couldnít finish them in class. As for managing my time, I believe Iíve done pretty well. While working on my thumbnails I assessed how much time I should spend working on each item so that I wonít be pressed for time. However, I lost several dayís worth of work sculpting the fake tree branch and the Ganesha mask which I didnít use in the final product.

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