I'm beginning to worry about what the people I know in real life will think when they read this...

You know what, fuck it.

I'm caught in a pendulum now. On one extreme I'm fucking obsessed with DJ, but the other side I'm coming back to my attraction with Matt (::the audience groans::). Naturally you'd expect this double infatuation to cancel eachother out, right? Wrong. Actually, they're both acting like magnets; I find myself swinging harder and harder from one side to the next.

The resurfacing of my whole Matt thing is particularly disorienting. It took me a lot of energy to forget about him that way, but I managed to finally do it. And when I set up defenses they stay up. Thing is... all it took was one extreme, mind blowing conversation for about 4 hours (really just 2 hours of subject matter, and the rest is small talk). Learned a lot of things about Matt I didn't know before and I feel guilty a bit; it feels like I didn't bare enough of myself compared to him. But I guess it's better that I not bitch to him my troubles. (::waves:: if you're reading this, hi Matt)

As for DJ (aka Danny)... I was meaning to call him on the phone sometime over this weekend, but plans prevented that. And I'm afraid that his parents would freak if a guy called asking for him; his recent coming out experience has left them fearing for his (supposedly) virgin ass. Felt like taking a walk 'round the neighborhood since he lives within half a block from me... but church pretty much cancelled that idea. (in the unlikely event that he's reading this... hiya!)

And now I'm just waiting till 9 so I can catch Ghost World finally.

. . . . . posted:||8:27 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
... Was about to do something so completely idiotic, but before I almost sealed my fate I hesitated, thought about the situation, than stoped. More thanks go out to Lizzy for (again) slapping some sense into me.

Okay... do you know how hard it is to find cultured people in Vegas? There's probably only 200 throughout the entire city, and over half are women. Cut out the third remaining who would never be likely candidates and I'm basically stuck with about 67 people. Then spread that over how many square feet the city takes up... and basically my chances of finding anyone compatible is reaching the same statistic of winning the Lotto.

Listening to my love playlist isn't exactly helping the situation and longing.

And damn you Matt for making me think about that as I had another sleepless night.

Another stupid thing I contemplated actually doing: going through the AOL member profiles and trying to find someone. Worked well enough with H and her new boyfriend... but for a while since about 5th grade I gave up using the 'net for that purpose.

Ugh... it's times like this when you wish that you could write competently.

And I need to do a new interview. The one on the about page is starting to become embarassing.

. . . . . posted:||10:52 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
3+ hour conversation with Matt since no one at his house was at home (parents staying at MGM, bro babysitting). Funny thing is, I'd rather not be doing anything else at the end of the day. Especially on a day like this.

Had to entertain guests from the motherland. We went to the forum shops... but it was only sis and I who accompanied the two grandmas. In otherwords, we walked faster than the grandmas so we often had to weave in and out of the crowd all the while adjusting our speed to let the elder ones catch up.

Managed to buy the soundtrack to Queer as Folk. Currently digging the song "High School Confidential."

And Matt's the 2nd one in a week. Damn.

. . . . . posted:||12:33 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Operatic techno choral music? I can get used to this! ^_^

... What else do you expect me to do in my current situation? I'm sleeping on the couch tonight since we have guests staying in grandma's room, and she in turn is holed up in mine. And I don't really feel like sleeping in the same room as my grandma, let alone that I'm a very nocturnal creature.

. . . . . posted:||4:28 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Now, where was I? Oh yeah...

Before the last class of the day started, I was walking down the hall to go talk to my sis for a bit first when I passed by Danny. I said hi, he said hi, and grabbed my chest. Naturally I feigned offense, but the shock was real.

But yes. Friday was a day for glomping. Jyl was challenging my ability to make her go insane, so I did something I knew she wouldn't like too much. Naturally, she reacted by jumping back twenty feet and vowing vengence on me. Later, Marcy was trying to pinch Jyl's butt and asked me on how to properly do it. So I demonstrated on her.

Disturbing? Yes.

More so thanks to the power of hindsight.

. . . . . posted:||1:00 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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::blinks:: The sheer cute-ness (and obscene amount of paw prints) on this page scares me. Still like to go to it though.

I'm confused. Some people say one thing about one particular person, whilst others say exactly the opposite. So I'm lost. Does he or does he not have a boyfriend (and if so, did he really break up with him)? Juvenile ramblings I know. Can't say much else on the subject.

School photos today. Didn't really like the experience since it was so early in the morning. I fear that I blinked for my photo and seeing how retakes for those always get buggered... I'm screw-ed. However... back in the classroom after the whole schmuck, I'm working on my classwork when this guy who sits 2 seats behind me walks past me to go get papers. Granted, the guy's cute. However, the cologne he was wearing just made him so damned sexy. (at this point I say boo! to Nikki for getting to have him all weekend long)

World H was uneventful to say the least. Lizzy was drawing on the whiteboard, Joey latched onto her waist and barking at anyone who commented on the pic (good or bad remarks), Taylor simulating an egg cracking on the back of Eric's head, Ms. H plugging the sophmore class shirts since Ford knows we need money in our account badly, and Claire wondering where fellow bosom-buddy Leilani was. After the test we took on Ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia, Lauren snatched the issue of XY in my backpack and started looking through it.

Chemistry was so effing easy. This is testament to my teacher's sheer disability for teaching; we're taking a test today on metric conversion, my sis' class is already finishing up the table of elements. After the test we had a free period till the bell rang. People at my table played Scrabble (I got Vee and Dyke at one point; told her that and she was so happy) while a bunch of others on the other side of the room put on some rap music. Luckily I had my handy dandy CD player with me so I was cruising to Tori Amos instead. Later, someone brought a tape of M. Jackson's newest video so we watched that.

Lunch... boring. People (attempted) singing in the cafeteria were very very disappointing.

... got to go. cutting it short.

. . . . . posted:||6:24 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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"So, where did your big bro go?" she asked.

He grew slightly withdrawn; seemed quieter before he answered: "Germany. With all the things going on in highschool and stuff... he needed a change."

"Oh." Was all she said.

No one noticed him being more withdrawn for the rest of the day.

. . . . . posted:||8:41 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Got this page from Christine at school. It's basically info about what things I use and associate with when casting circles of magic... ahem.

Energy: Swift - Mercurial - Changeable
(Swift... as in flighty yes. Mercurial... as in my sign is ruled by Mercury no. Changeable... as in borderline happiness yes.)

Spirits: Danu - Mercury - Athena - Kuan Yin - Sylphs - Raphael - Buddha
(Danu, Kuan Yin... who? Mercury and Athena... don't need Roman gods of lore. Sylphs... digging the celtic spirits. Raphael... rather be a Gabrielle. Buddha... as Lauren hath dubbed me: "the cynically sunny anti-pacifism Buddha")

Colors: White - Yellow - Peach - Gold - Turquoise blue - Rainbow colors
(.... rainbow? There's one.)

Type of Magick: Free mind Creativity Illumination Divination Philosophy Awareness Perception Meditation Focus.

It's interesting to note how many different cultures share the basic same ideas in mythology and folk lore.

So yeah... I'm grateful for my tanned skin. No one could tell I was blushing all lunchtime long. Yes, it is about Danny ("again?!" says the audience) but not just by his presence alone. I had brought along my sketchbook and was busy working on a picture. Meanwhile, Danny was sitting rather close to me and was practically sitting on my lap... practically. If it were literal... well then that would've been interesting. It's the sheer physical attraction, not the longing for a boyfriend. I assure you.

Hn... yeah.

. . . . . posted:||5:00 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Aaaah! When did all the people at HotorNot.com get so... not! Really freaky batch of mugs today.

. . . . . posted:||3:17 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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You and Brian Molko are a match made in heaven! The pair of you make a very glamourous and interesting couple! You're partial to a guy who dons a dress every now and then and isn't afraid to express his feminine side and blur the gender boundaries. You're both very artistic and usually end up writing lyrics which are quite dark and moody.

MUCH better.

. . . . . posted:||7:34 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hmm... perhaps Usagi's holed up in the abandoned church next to the school? Understandable since that place is rather okay...

Had constant thoughts about running away before, but I doubt I'd ever seriously do it. More on that later; I have to drive (shudder) to church for practice.

(and in a side note, it's already # 725. 25 posts in the span of 10 days? Yowza.)

. . . . . posted:||4:50 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well... concert for tomorrow night has been pushed back till October. A bit pissed, but a bit relieved as well; I won't be tired for friday's tests.

Several interesting things to note:

- Got a bunch of stuff in English class right. Really started my day off positively. (confidence +1)

- Kicked butt at the review game in History (con. +1) but Ms. Hoffman scolded those who were being loud and abnoxious. (con. -1)

- Ms. Belin didn't do much today except finish up the labs we didn't have time to do. Went over notes on matter which were mostly known already. Within the table's conversation notebook, I was discussing the specifics of anal intercourse since G asked about it. Needless to say that they were scarred. (heartless +1) Lauren gave me a thumbs up, and I got to draw some henna designs on her arm (mood +1). It blotched a bit thanks to her skin though.

- Lunchtime I got Danny's info into my lil black book (con. +1) and was able to finish my decals after going into art halfway through lunch.

- In Art, I worked more on the last two things I needed to do. The plaster mold is still drying in my locker, so I'm hoping it won't crack when I take it out tomorrow. Turned in my sketchbook assignment which is a bit mediocre... but what can ya do?

Also today, Justin was describing how Travis was treating his b/f who happens to be Danny. According to him, Travis treats Danny much like Saiyonji did Anthy (Utena reference there). In other words, he ditches him waiting at the stairs between Main and Knapp hall to talk to friends, and D just stands there obediently. Not completely sure if I should believe the things he says, but whatever. Don't feel like butting in since I know I hate it when people do that to me.

And in other news, I have an hour and a half of humiliation today. In other words... I have church choir practice. Seriously feeling like quitting, but then I won't be able to talk to Sarah much. Hn.

Usagi didn't come home last night. Her mom was calling all her friends till 2:00am in the morning. Hope nothing bad has happened... then again, my anime group of friends have a tendency to over-react. In otherwords, if they see a blue pigeon they'd scream that it was the end of the world and will begin to gather the seven seals and seven harbingers. Eh.

Discovered my dad's Janis Joplin CD. My effing lord she is amazing! No Charlotte Church, but few female singers short of Alanis Morisette and Tori Amos (also Ani DiFranco to an extent) can convey the raw emotion she has. I wish I could have seen her perform live, she must've been something else.

Oh, on the drive home the bus that usually takes people from LVA to their homeschools in the summerlin area broke down infront of a gas station. Sure enough, I saw Danny and a bunch of people I know walk out of the store carrying drinks. Figures.

. . . . . posted:||4:39 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

You and Thom Yorke are a match made in heaven!. You're both quite shy, but highly intelligent and creative people. You might be described as being a wallflower at parties, but it is probably because you're so deep in thought! Music is a huge part of your life and you prefer to experiment with different genres of music, rather than sticking to the same thing, which makes you a perfect couple!

Yay!... now remind me who he is again?

. . . . . posted:||12:30 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Tuesday had been quite interesting.

It was the day after Leah's b-day, so I gave her three roses from the backyard garden as a sort of belated present (Ben, Rica's little bear, was holding one of the European variety for her). Later that day at lunch she gave me a slice from the cake she got on monday. Thing is... it was an ice cream cake. Needless to say, despite the ice pack in her bag, the cake took on an unusual shape. Good cake regardless, but Yombo found it a bit too sweet.

Also during lunch, Justin was passing out issues of the Bugle and Lesbian Voice. Naturally took an issue and brought it home. Just recently flipped through it... not really XY but not The Advocate either. A bit disappointed but what can you do? Well written article on Vegas' oldest drag show though.

Little bit of a scare. Thought I lost my dad's cell phone so I spent all lunch period checking with teachers and bitching to friends about it. Guess where the damned thing turned up? In my backpack...

Wanted to go to open house tonight... but stupid sister and her procrastinating ways didn't so we just stayed at home. And none of the teachers were staying long so I couldn't spend the whole time at school. Damn... and I wanted to check out the gallery they hung that night. That and all the superb performances being held at the opening this year; last year's was extremely mediocre.

Anyways, been tired too much lately. And not nearly hungry enough considering all I've had to eat was that piece of cake Leah gave me.

. . . . . posted:||12:17 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Screw it. I hate trackers. Found myself thinking of a way to increase flow to this site, then realized how stupid that thought was. So, the tracker goes.

. . . . . posted:||6:06 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Currently binging/ rocking to my 50+ Utada songs and am loving it! The infamous sketchbook assignment is nearing completion after three hours work on it plus the hour of acetoning yesterday. All I need now is an appropriate background that wouldn't take away from the set of pecs which is the focus of the piece. Hn.

Today passed by uneventfully. I gave Liz a rose to cheer her up and to thank her for knocking some sense into me. On the way over Danny saw me walking down the hall and came over to snatch the rose from me (ironic, I know). 'Course, he failed to see all the little sharp thorns on the stem so he gouged his hand on it a bit. Liz seemed to like poking herself with those buggers.

Later at lunch, Rica and I walked into the cafeteria perusing the issue of XY I pulled out of the locker earlier that morning. Originally we were going to annoy Danny about such and such (I think I was gonna ask him about what Jpop stuff he liked) but a) it was hot outside, b) there's airconditioning inside, and c) I needed a drink. Danny comes running up to us and looks through the mag as well. Eventually it's me, Rica, Danny, and three more people sitting at the table looking through the mag. Interesting to say the least.

... funny thing is, I came out of school that day feelings strangely... normal. Nothing angsty or euphoric is unusual given the year's early patterns. It's refreshing... but so effing boring at the same time.

Skipping back to Jpop, anyone notice that Garbage's "Androgyny" sounds like Namie Amuro's "Something 'Bout the Kiss" ? Especially with that catchy riff Garbage uses. Perhaps they got some inspiration/ influence while touring Japan? Who knows.

And I adore Michelle Branch. Damn she can sing and play guitar. Like the female version of Holcombe Waller but only a bit more "pop" sounding.

Fuck it. I think I'll come out to everyone this year. Get it all over and done with so I don't have any hesitation to being honest with people... I was tempted to replace 'honest' with 'straight' back there...

Yeah, my life's boring at this point. Sorry for the lack of entertainment value.

. . . . . posted:||5:52 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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I fucking love my friends to death.

Told Matt on the phone and all he had to say was "oh... really? That's cool." Later, the questions about who knew, did the parents, what's this about a recent infatuation, etc. surfaced. I'm so happy.

Barto (the bastard friend from AZ) called. We talked for a bit when I learned that now he isn't homophobic at all. So, I told him. Took him a few minutes to adjust, but now he's cool with it as well.

All I need to do now is to flat-out tell the other three family members, C, and declare it to the world.

... Just learned that Eric likes Danny and is elated that his feelings have been reciprocated. Funny how things come full circle, neh?

... I need to learn not to fling around words. ::slash::

. . . . . posted:||6:54 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I know it's purely a work of fiction posing as a diary, but I can relate to this very very well. Perhaps that's why I enjoy that particular author so much; he write stories I can sympathize with with little to no difficulty at all.

I'm anxious to take the van out for a spin just to prove to my dad that I can drive. I can, honest!

. . . . . posted:||9:36 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Thursday, Sept. 20th:

Danny: So, are you going to join GSA?
Chuck: You mean the homo club?
Danny: ::laughs:: yeah.
Chuck: I dunno...
Danny: Why not?
Chuck: Well... it's just--
Danny: Wait, you're out right?
Chuck: Huh?
Danny: Are you out? I am.
Chuck: I... guess I'm out.
Danny: For how long now?
Chuck: Just this past year actually...
Danny: So why not join GSA? No harm now that you're out, right?
Chuck: I'm out, just not in that sense. I don't go out flaunting it, but if someone asks me if I am or am not, I say yes. "Comfortably out" is the best way I can explain it.
Danny: ::nod::
Chuck: And why are you pestering me about GSA anyways? Are you an executive in it?
Danny: Yep. I'm the treasurer.
Chuck: Ah, so Justin gave you my seat eh?
Danny: Yeah. ::goes back to flipping through my drawings::

He's even out to his family already. I'm jealous of his courage. Tried slipping a clue to my parents about it if they hadn't already guessed by now; it's hard not to notice all the issues of XY lying about in my room. Parental units are being unresponsive to my clues... either they're just ignoring or they feel they don't need to discuss it with me right at that moment.

Then again, Danny's parents later pulled him out of GSA because they don't want him "associating" with "those people."

Fuck. ::slash::

. . . . . posted:||7:42 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Heartwise, you often dream of impossible love affairs. Your sentimental relations are ordinarily incoherent, marked with absolute infidelity and total jealousy at the same time. Sometimes you become a slave of your own sensuality, thus finding yourself in paradoxical situations because of the discrepancy between your aspirations and your amorous outbursts. An agreeable home and children will constitute an important factor of stabilization for you."

Sounds like me? Minus the children part, yes. Chinese astrology seems to disagree with my personality though... eh, to each his own I guess.

. . . . . posted:||2:38 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Les Miserables and speculations at the dinner table.

First off, we arrived almost two hours before the show started so we decided to walk around a bit in the bazaar/ shopping mall. Parents took the fore-front while sis and I made sure to keep at least thirty feet behind. We just walked around window shopping, cruising guys, and eventually bought some delicious tasting gelato. While returning to the entrance to the theater, we saw grandma walking around the mall; dad had told her to stay put so we wouldn't lose her. Well, so much for that.

The show itself... first, the bad. The Vegas Symphony was playing that day at the Rio (a different casino) so much of the orchestra... strike that, all of the orchestra was synthetic. The band was actually there, but the use of faux cello during Eponine's "On My Own" gave it an overtly 80's feel. Gavrouche was completely attrocious! He couldn't act, could barely sing, and had no ennunciation at all. Given he is only 8 years old... but then again the others before him were very talented actors. I think the only reason why he's there in the first place is his father's presence in the cast. Lastly, they cut 15 minutes of music to make the play fit its 3 hour time slot. Nothing too big; took off a few bars and verses on the more unimportant songs, and got rid of Eponine's "I told you I'd do it" before she screams.

Despite it's short-comings, the play itself was extremely well done. The singers portrayed such strong emotion while singing, and Marius was startling attractive. Several interesting things to note: Fantine was a filipino who idolizes Lea Salonga's singing styles and was cast to compensate for the equally short stature of Jean Valjean. Eponine had a smile on her face everytime she sang because, due to some unforeseen happening, the usual Eponine couldn't sing today. So, they picked someone from the annonymous company to take her part. Also, they forgot to switch Javer's wig between those 10 years.

Afterwards, the family ate at the buffet located also in the casino. Food was surprisingly good. I hardly ate much since I was still appetite-less, but the little I did eat was exquisite. Later in the meal I started singing miscellanous broadway tunes while sis lip-sync'd with her hand.

... come to think of it, there wasn't much exchange of conversation at the table except about the show we had just seen. Hn.

Tomor... okay, today. Today I will have to spend much of the hours working on miscellanous projects. Especially my sketchbook for art... great.

And above it all I need more practice driving.

. . . . . posted:||2:20 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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I need to learn how to live life for myself again. I haven't been able to create much due to the pressures of the world for me to produce magnificent works of art; also accounts for my sporatic/ detached entries.

But how can you live life for yourself without becoming selfish?

That's the trouble with the way I compensate things.

. . . . . posted:||6:31 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Leave it to Lizzy to slap some sense into me (even though her intentions were probably far from it).

Art was an interesting haze thanks to all the strong fumes in the room. I spent my time bouncing from station to station working with instant-rust ("lovely beyond belief"), decals, reposee, and the use of acetone to transfer images to paper and to remove the last of my nailpolish.

I still have four or more stations to visit before I can stop: plaster casting, plaster molding, resin casting, working with I-Movie.

Plaster casting promises to be interesting. Today, before we had our conversation, Lizzy's face was being covered in plaster-strips. Funny since she got called up to the office while she was more or less immobilized and blind. I'm thinking of casting something remotely interesting besides the baby doll heads and my hands; perhaps some sort of animal figurine? Ha, then I'll have to search for one. Definetly gonna try to cast one of the roses from the backyard garden in resin.

But, now to the meat of the day. Justin was passing around the GSA sign-up sheet to those who think there should be a GSA club at school. Afterall, it's amazing the level of tolerance for about 10 years without that vehicle of change.

Eventually the sheet is passed to Lizzy and I. She signs with three different pens since there were a lot of dry ones in her general vicinity. I forget to mention that I had a perfectly good one in my pocket, which I used to sign. I look at the list generated so-far, and sure enough I see Danny's name on there. My finger points to the spot where he signed his name rather clumsily and tell Liz about my feelings towards him. At about that point she scoffs a bit and tells me that she knew of at least 10 other guys who found him attractive.

Also, while working on my decal I was talking with Justin and N about which was worse: falling for someone who doesn't know you exist, or someone who has never thought of you in that sense. Justin kept talking about how his motto "all the cute ones are straight" to "all the cute ones are straight or gay and taken", and I mentioned something to the extent of "it's even harder if you know they'll never think of you that way."

Earlier that day, I was speaking with Lauren about her whisperings getting to me last night thus accounting for my sleepless unrest. We get to the subject of the whole Danny thing becoming into another Eric thing, which at that point she draws to my attention the stupidity in my method of adoration. At that point I said something towards "But with this one, it's not lust." She shoots that one down with a laugh and a "yeah right". I felt like beating myself up at that point. That wasn't what I wanted to say. My feelings of companionship and friendship are separate from those which I associate with love. Give I was in love only once... still. I know better than trying to find the great Ganymede in a dear friend of mine because, yes, I'm growing increasingly desperate. It's been almost two or three years since Topher, and I'm forgetting/ longing for the feelings and actions involved in "boyfriend-ing".

So, I have two sets of ideals now: one for the perfect man, and one for the most favorable match. In my fantasizing, I often fuse my Adonis with the face of a close friend; strange to say that I have a hard time imagining myself with any famous celebrity. As for a favorable match... I have yet to find one. I think Lauren's trying to steer me in the right direction... but my self esteem is lowering and confidence is next to nothing. Especially after I ran into the curb while trying to make a turn while driving the van.

Normally, most people would attempt to forget all their troubles and live life. I must admit I enjoy the self-sado/masochistic feel of harboring and magnifying emotions. When it comes to love and infatuation I often over do it and do so to losing control. But it's that moment of darkest hour which sparks the light of creativity. And when that zenith of euphoria and counterpoint of depression has been tasted, I can come back to those times and draw from them.

Still, I'm in one of those descending periods so all my work suffers.

During the ride home, what Liz said to me finally hit home. Sure, I can tell myself over and over not to obsess over Danny yet secretly I enjoy the self-lashing... but I'm not the only one to pine over what I can't have. So, it's stupid to fill my heart with empty dreams. Otherwise I'll just be another member in that particular boy's fanclub. Take a number, sit down in the hall, and wait to be called to recieve a glance from your object of interest.

So, this is the final time I shall write about boyfriend angst concerning Danny. And if I do go back on that promise, I'll just slash my arm a little bit for every time.

But it'll take some time to get back to thinking of him in a pure platonic sense. To be perfectly honest, I'd still do anything for him and go anywhere just to be in his presence for a bit.

Too often now people intimidate me. I just don't let it show.

. . . . . posted:||5:03 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Tell me again why I'm up so late at night plastered to the computer screen?

Tell me why I can't sleep at night?

Tell me why I haven't been able to eat anything lately?

Tell me why I'm so depressed at the moment?

Especially with how well this year had come thus far...

Tell me why?

. . . . . posted:||2:18 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Fuck it. I almost had him in a completely platonic mindset. Then Lauren starts whispering in my ear "he likes you" all throughout history class... and that wrecked everything.

Talking to Tyler helped a little bit, but I'm still infatuated as hell.

... screw that bit of happiness I found. I have homework and piano practice to boot. Someone help me?

I'm contemplating burning my necklace.

. . . . . posted:||5:36 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Dangerous Game"
from Jekyll & Hyde

I see your fingers
brushing my shoulder
Your tempting touch
as it tingles my spince
Watching your eyes
as they invade my soul
Forbidden pleasures
I'm afraid to make mine...

At the touch of your hand
At the sound of your voice
At the moment your eyes meet mine
I am out of my mind
I am out of control
full of feelings I can't define

It's a sin with no name
like a tiger to tame
And the angels proclaim
It's a dangerous game

A darker dream
that has no ending
Something unreal
that you want to be true
A strange romance
out of a mystery talk

The frightened princess
doesn't know what to do?
Does she just run away?
Does she risk it and stay?
Either way, there's no way
to win

All I know is I'm lost
and I'm counting the cost
My emotions are in a spin
And though noone's to blame,
it's a crime and a shame
But it's true all the same
it's a dangerous game.

No one speaks, not one word
All the words are in our eyes
Silence speaks, loud and clear
All the words we want to hear

At the touch of your hand
At the sound of your voice
At the moment your eyes meet mine
I am out of my mind
I am out of control
Full of feelings I can't define

It's a sin with no name
Like a tiger to tame
And though no one's to blame
It's a crime and a shame
And the angels proclaim,
It's a dangerous game....

Truly one of the more sensual songs ever used in a Broadway production. Definitely fits my current revival of my search for pure elegance and sensuality... after being rekindled by Dan to make more "hentai" pictures. ("it's not hentai, it's soft-core porn!" says Rica)

This has got to be the worst month for piano for me. I have neglected all practicing and I fear not being ready for recital in only two short months. Damn you Joplin for writing so much syncopation!

. . . . . posted:||4:11 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Speaking of which, I was invited by Justin to be the treasurer of the GSA (Gay-Straight-Alliance) club at school. Declined. I still want to be a bit descrete about my sexual preference at school, I don't want to flaunt it.

Speaking along the same line (and to completely shoot myself down) there's a funny thing I've noticed after watching several seasons of RealWorld/ RoadRules. Whenever there's the subject of the roommates/ teammates dating, everyone speaks in such PC terms. For example, an answer to "So, do you like him?" is most likely "I find certain qualities in him which I feel would compliment my lifestyle." At which point I laugh. Reminds me of the automatic transition in Dawson's Creek from usual teen-dialogue to grad-school speech just over a summer between highschool and college. It's hilarious/

. . . . . posted:||4:44 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Notice that big smile plastered on my face?

(okay okay, I know you can't see me 'lest I setup a webcam which I refuse to... but humor me)

Yeah. So Danny (or "DJ" as he goes by sometimes) has a boyfriend. Funny thing is, I learn this tidbit of info in the morning and it doesn't completely kick in till the class before lunch. At that point I become depressed as heck and am already planning ways to cultivate my negative emotions into creative energy.

Lunchtime swings by and I'm regurgitating my misfortune to all those who care to hear/ in the vicinity and bitch and moan etc. etc. Going outside and sulking with Leah and Mary for a few minutes till I see Mr. D talking to Rica where I usually hang out. So, I high-tail it over there to initiate friendly conversation. Simple to say that the conversations were quite "friendly" indeed. Ahem.

After hanging out with the boy for the majority of lunch, I felt much better. I actually got to know him just a little bit more... And in doing that I broke my infatuation. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. However, it's been quite some time since I was able to speak to another guy about cute guys. Let alone one who can relate to the hellish years in the middle school I attended... and the shared infatuation with Eric.

My problem with crushes is this: I place the person in question in a high pedestal as an example of Adonis incarnate. I'm too busy magnifying all the favorable qualities and fantasizing of us spooning while watching late-night re-runs of Xena, that I forget there maybe an actual person in there.

So yes, I'm happy that I got over that before it escalated into something very ugly. Also, Danny's one of those people who can manage to make me feel comfortable; not intimidated. Despite the plethora of friends/ acquaintances I have, I always gravitate towards those whom I feel comfortable with.

I guess it's about time I wrote about the necklace thing, huh? Nope. Maybe next post, but not today.

While coming from the art room towards the stairs to the door, Danny comes running down and basically throws a playful kiss my way; just a few inches away from my face at that. Damn you flirt! ^_^

Oh, feel like seeing me with the members of Kittie? Pick up Metal Edge sometime then.

. . . . . posted:||4:37 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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I've found my muse. And I'm elated, light-headed, energetic, yet intimidated by the company he keeps.

. . . . . posted:||11:25 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Ugh. fucking hell.

Why haven't I been in the mood to draw/ write lately?

Moods? Moods are for cattle and love-play.

Yeah yeah shut up.

. . . . . posted:||10:53 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Well it's about time something like this surfaced. Too bad the boyband scene is dwindling down and, as regretful as it is, neo-punk is making the charts.

. . . . . posted:||10:49 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Okee, I got it wrong. Rosh Hashanah wasn't today, it's tomorrow. Technically it started on sundown.

Homework overwhelming. Help.

Still thinking of someone.

. . . . . posted:||8:56 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
le sigh... I think I'm infatuated again. With a freshman no less. Whom my gaydar has yet to go off with despite the fact that he spends every lunch hanging with token-homo Theo. Then again that doesn't warrant to much besides a short eyebrow raise. Just wished I had more interaction with him since learning that he likes anime and j-pop (very unusual thing back where we used to go to middle school) but I swear by everything holy... fuck it, I'm sacrelige incarnate... that I will not send out love letters with that purpose. Besides, that whole thing was very very scary and I don't think I have the leftover reserves of creativity to do so.

Trading one vice for another. Putting the events of last Tuesday on hold so I can think of my conceptual piece for the upcoming December show. Now the big question is this: baby craddle or naitivity scene. Which is better to depict the un/newly born with HIV? I originally wanted the baby craddle with a whole baby-shower feel... but the three gifts the Magi give in the naitivity scene have startlingly relevant messages of cost, life, and death. Either way I'm smothering my piece in frankencense.

Mucho homework due tomorrow. Most are trivial things (basically coloring for World History) but still they're time consuming. Not to mention I have confirmation class tonight. Speaking of which... why do I even bother? I know I'll never believe in all the church teaches. I wish I had the courage to tell my parents that no, I do not want to sit for an hour and half listening to stories which, although fascinating, are disappointing in their lack of inspiration. It all goes back to when I discovered that there were other religions out there.

So tired. Tired tired and dreaming of a person with a name that starts in D and ends with an anny. I blame the stupid thing with the necklace.

. . . . . posted:||3:38 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Oh yes, to all those out there who care: Happy Rosh Hashanah. I have a feeling a lot of my friends and teachers won't be here today; no work, just most of the day at the synagogue. Then again, not all of them are serious/practicing. Art teacher's definetly gone though.

. . . . . posted:||6:14 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Scratch that. BlogThis is still not working.

I did the unthinkable. Went on Yahoo and typed 'blog' to see how many sites/categories turn up... holy shite there's a lot. Some are rather interesting, but like many fads for the masses most of them were down. The ones that stay up have something interesting to say...

But the more I read these several blogs, the less original and unique I feel. Granted there're a lot of people out there who're obsessed over love, art, music, dance, literature, elegance at the same time... just that we're spread apart. Afterall, if there were more of them in my general vicinity I really wouldn't be single right now now would I?

Listened to Janet Jackson's "Someone to Call My Lover" all morning long. Didn't bother to turn on the morning news since I know what they'll all be talking about.

And now for school with a camera and tripod in tow.

. . . . . posted:||5:57 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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# 700

So, what am I gonna do about it? Originally I was going to do a self-analytical thing like Rica does, recaping the past 100 posts... but I'm too lazy to do that. So, here's my horoscope for the upcoming monday courtesy of Yahoo!:

You're going to have a fairly long stretch of introspection. No, this isn't a prison sentence! Everyone knows that you're not too keen on self-analysis, but you are going to need this time to mull over the lessons the cosmos is offering you. Specifically, it is inciting you to make a major inner transformation in the way you deal with others. "Be less proud" is the simple message, but you will need every one of the next few weeks to integrate it into your soul. Get to work!

Male Daily:
You might want to rest and to recharge your batteries. This is probably a busy week, and your nervous system could be over-stimulated. The Moon is conjunct Venus, urging you to pamper yourself. Have a lazy evening at home. Read a good book or watch a funny movie. Go to bed early and get caught up on your sleep. Eat your favorite foods and ignore the pressures of the outside world.

When people start scrambling to sit next to you in math class, take heed. These may not be your new best friends. They probably heard the buzz that you're a math whiz, and wanted easy access to the master.

Your self-image could suffer a blow after Wednesday, making you more vulnerable. You're too eager to compromise, and more willing to take the blame for any problems. You may feel that your mate takes you for granted. If that's true, don't let it happen, but if that feeling is the result of low self-esteem, the planetary timing is right to build the kind of self-confidence that ensures success. If you're ready to share your life with someone, be prepared to encounter unusual reactions from others. The people you meet are open, and you like them. Frustrations surface around midweek, however. You may even encounter the same people, but now they're nervous, unstable, and have more than their share of problems. If you enjoy relieving others of their anxieties, you'll love most of August.

Mercury, Saturn, Pluto, and the Sun will get together to make today quite interesting -- which, of course, is your favorite state of affairs, Aquarius. But speaking of affairs, with this secretive pack working together with the combination of loving Venus and risk-taking Jupiter, you'd better be careful. Temptation will be everywhere.

Romance Monthly:
At the beginning of the month, go ahead and move forward on those plans you've had in mind, even if you're going it solo -- your honey pie will come running to catch up. Nobody likes being left behind! The Taurus Moon's influence on the 6th, 7th and 8th will keep you steady and on the right course, though you might strain a bit at the tether of discipline and conservatism. Family places itself front and center on the 11th and 12th -- make it clear to snookums that, like it or not, they're just going to have to deal with your mother and her mood swings. You're well-balanced around the 17th and 18th, easily juggling work, friendships and romance. Your boss, pals and significant other will thank you -- and all will think they're your top priority. Good job! If all the responsibilities get you down on the 25th, make a run for it -- your sweet pea will understand if you just need a few days to yourself.

Expanded Daily:
With all of the great things that have been happening to you lately, it's easy to see how you've gotten to be so sure of yourself. It's important to keep in mind that good luck is a random gift though, Aquarius, not a resource to tap at your convenience. The Moon in Virgo is here to save your hide, but it won't be this way every time. Always make a habit of looking before you leap, just in case the safety net is missing.

Male Romance:
A phone call, perhaps business-related, could come from someone who wants you to drop everything and make a short trip out of town. This might upset your weekend plans, but it might work for you if your sweetheart accompanies you. A romantic getaway might be just what you need! No matter what the purpose of the trip, you should still be able to muster some time alone.

Weekly Forecast:
With a grand trine all in air signs over the course of this week, you will find that you have plenty to keep you occupied, and you will enjoy socializing, mixing, mingling, and forming and reforming friendships. The movement of Mars into Capricorn could indicate that for a few weeks you may not make as much ground with certain plans or projects as you would like. But life is made of rhythms and cycles, and this presents a good opportunity for you to recharge your batteries and to allow life to flow for a while, instead of trying to push the river.

Monthly Forecast:
Relationship issues are (still!) your main focus this month, as your ruler, rebellious Uranus, opposes Venus, the planet of love and relationships! You crave change and excitement in your partnerships now, and you are prone to make waves just to add flair and adventure to your interactions. You seem to gravitate toward unusual and eccentric people, places and ideas, and you hardly can stand anything that seems ordinary or routine. In addition, you are so unpredictable in your emotions now that even you don't really know what you feel from one moment to the next. Clearly, the energies will challenge even the most solid of bonds, and you can expect the month to be anything but calm. Try to channel the energies in a productive manner, by engaging your partner(s) in your search for exciting and original experiences. Rather than shutting him/her out, share your wildest thoughts and musings, and see if he/she will actually help you come up with grand schemes to go!

Gen X:
If you don't do it now, when are you gonna get the chance to do it again? Your social calendar is already starting to fill up even as you're reading this.

Yargh. Why do people believe all this shite again?

. . . . . posted:||11:56 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I knew something bad would happen when I upgraded to IEv6. What happened ask you? Nothing 'cept BlogThis ceased to work so I had to redo that one... and the annoying 'e' in the corner is now a 'Y!' thanks to the fact that I downloaded the version of off Yahoo. Thank you corporate America.

"remember that if you do not think the united states should go to war, that does not make you unpatriotic. everybody loses in war; even though we might wipe out terrorism, as is the plan, that's not to say that millions of americans might not die."
-Jerome from E

I'm contemplating gathering various quotes from the blogs/journals I read on a (ir)regular basis. A lot of them have many things to say (just like everyone out there) and the ideas need some circulation.

Question to anyone who reads this often (or who is uncanningly perceptive/ has a degree in psychiatry): anyone feel like probing my mind? It's rather tiring, frustrating being the only one to give enough of a damn to try to find out what the hell goes on in my head at any given moment.

I suspect it's a lack of discipline I had way-back-when.

. . . . . posted:||11:34 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What the hell are patriotic symbols doing inside a church? After a grueling two hours struggling to keep awake whilst a soft-spoken priest talked about "christian morality," it was quite ironic to see the values of the "one-world-salvation" the Catholic church believed in shot to hell by the presence of an American flag by the doors past the baptismal font. Worse yet, for the sending-forth song they sang "America the Beautiful." Granted it's no "Amazing Grace", but it's still on my low list including "God Bless America" and "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again" for a song about the country.

I think I'm finally seeing signs of the things I wished would not re-surface; I fear the church may be approaching something like the Holy Crusades of medieval times. Afterall, why do you think the U.S. sided so vehemiantly with the Israelies than the Palestinians? Personally I don't buy that "making the world safe for democracy" reason.

... I was going to post about something more personal (concerning an old present) but it seems the affairs of the world are more important than the troubles in one's head. Or at least everyone says they are. Especially if the troubled mind is behind the movements of a country.

Yep, we're all relativists here.

. . . . . posted:||11:02 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Is it just me, or do I have the diet of a businessman/ college & grad student? I work looong long nights... well, I just stay up all night thanks to my sleeping habits. For energy I have half a can of Red Bull or some other source of caffiene/ B12... but I manage to fall asleep during the last half of art (at about 1:00pm) even after ingesting said beverages for lunch as well. Thanks to the incoming wisdom tooth I take an Advil as soon as the effects of the other one goes off to keep my body in a general state of numbness.

... The fancy company dinners in exquisite fine-dining gourmet restaurants of a businessman I can do with however.

Contemplating telling my remaining friends who don't know. Wonder how long we'll stay friends.... Care to make a bet?

. . . . . posted:||4:18 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Heard that Margaret Cho's coming 'round Vegas in October with her sho C.H.O. at the Joint... so I figure "oh! lemme get tickets for!"... Price of one: $32.00... I hate being hesitant/frugal.

Lil bits and pieces of a life... doo ti doo

. . . . . posted:||3:58 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Shock. They actually bothered to update the school calendar. Funny since all throughout freshmen year events from the school year before were posted.

I need to start working on some of my major projects which haven't been finished yet. A Brave New World still needs to have those quotes and reactions written, I have to make my sketchbook entry for art concerning "Enclosed", study for a test on the camera parts in Photo (speaking of tests, the Algebra one was horrendous! The copies were really bad so most of the plus signs looked like minuses which forced me to redo half of the test with ten minutes left in the class... I don't think many people actually finished), and let's not forget the neglected oil painting in the garage.

The roses bloomed nicely recently. I think I'll give someone a rose at school tomorrow.

. . . . . posted:||2:01 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Ha... it's funny when you're completely drained of all energy. Today my entire left side of my mouth ached like a slap in the face; both top and bottom wisdom teeth ached so much. I brought a film canister full of Advil to school to deal with the nice bouque of the accompaning headache... took about two in about an hour.

By the end of the day I was feeling the reprocussions; falling asleep thrice in art. Then again, everyone else was pretty distraught about the events of yesterday so not even most of the teachers were functioning as normal.

Later, during my hour break before choir practice, Matt interrupts my sleep and calls me. Funny thing is, all I remember from that 15 minute conversation was "Yeah, I just woke up so I'm a bit... whatever." I don't think I even recognized who it was.

Now I'm completely fatigued again. Fuck.

. . . . . posted:||7:53 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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The way I see it, the Pentagon's decimated so they'll need a new home. Thus, the move into the White House thereby creating the Pent House... hey, just trying to inject some humor to an otherwise bleak moment.

. . . . . posted:||11:17 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I won't comment on the actual events of this morning else I may suffer lynchings and otherwise. People at this moment are a bit too sensitive to look at the situation from a purely neutral and tactical point of view; times like these aren't great for people who are able to diassociate themselves and look at things from several perspectives (i.e. americans crying for revenge, the palestinians are rejoicing on their side (although I highly doubt they aren't the only ones responsible for this), and the attack was masterfully skilled, but families and friends were lost, a city is rubbled, the skyline has been changed, and paranoia has already begun to set in).

Interesting thing to note about the weblogging/journaling community at large. It's more or less a reflection of the current times and events. And the more important/popular an event, the more there are entries written on it. If anyone was smart, they'd use blog-word-of-mouth to market and advertise their products. Hell, we've seen that happen already with several things (i.e. psychoanalysis test) and god knows it's big when all your daily reads are doing it... later posting it on their pages and you get to compare how fucked up everyone is. Not to mention that most (not all) blogs are at least posting today; the dormant authors even moved to make an entry.

Ya see... there's a reason why I don't like physical journals... I haven't been maintaining mine much. And no ideas are spread out unless it is published or passed on... but not at the speed of electronics.

They say that the best thing you can do for the country right now is give blood, go about your day as normal, keep calm like the British during Germany's bombings of it and don't let that ego start mass hysteria, and... yeah, that's about it.

But, if worst comes to worst, I'd rather not go to war where the frontline's in my backyard. And when family/friends died is when I go on an evil massacre.

I'm also wondering what the reprocussions/paranoia will do to the treatment of those not natively American or of middle-eastern decent. Afterall, we really don't need the mob to do pograms/genocide now do we?

There, I talked about it.

. . . . . posted:||11:14 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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goddamn you and your talent for fluid imagery

haven't worked on my painting in god knows how long (2 weeks)

the oil's probably dry by now

but the copy of Seiken Deitsu 3 I got off the net is taking up my time

and reading past journals that have been requirements

in long forgotten school days


I need sleep

school tomorrow

writing very strangely


. . . . . posted:||1:31 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Nostalgia is fun, no? I was just reading what I wrote about Kevin back when I was jealous of him for catching Eric's eye instead of me. Now, I've gotten to know Kevin better and... well, it's weird. As I mentioned before some people intimidate me. And I hate feeling helplessly inferior. But when I'm just talking about stuff with Kevin, I feel comfortable. Like I can't make a mistake in what I say (although in hindsight I probably said many things I shouldn't) no matter how long I talk.

But absolutely no pangs of love for this one.

. . . . . posted:||2:54 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Here's an analysis of this evening's festivities:

time at party: 3.5 hours
time till guests of honor arrived: 1 hour
time till I talked to people I knew: 30 minutes
approx. number of filipinos present: 120
exact number of familiar faces: 10
spoke to: 7 people
ate: 3 bowls rice, salted pork, roasted chicken, mongolian beef, pecan shrimp, fried flounder
drank: 3 cups 7-Up, 2 cups Coke, 6 cups cheap champagne
danced: 30 minutes
guys flirted: 3
girls flirted: 5 (4 unintentionally)
souvenirs: one ceramic round box
saw: a priest from church, a party of 20 white people tucked in a corner surrounded by 120 filipinos, 8 fish in a dirty fountain, 4 waiters for the entire restaurant, used trojan in parking lot

I had no idea 50th Anniversaries could be this wild... erm, okay it's not that wild compared to some others...

Hang over kicked in five minutes ago, and I love love LOVE QaF.

Now today it's a baby shower. Ugh. I think I'll bring a cell phone and a sketchbook.

. . . . . posted:||2:16 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Why the hell do I have to be flamboyant to be noticed by possibilities?

Thinking about it, that World History class with those two people in it scares me. The teacher I'm familiar with so it's a very loose and near care-free atmosphere, but those two intimidate me. They give off an air of flightly, ephemeral-troubles with a nice bubbly after taste.

Eric can't help but be happy and constantly smiling whenever he does something.... erm, anything for that matter.

Joey just gives the air of "token darling girlfriend" and has to act as "cutely" as possible at almost all times.

But what I hate/envy most about these two is their ability in articulation. Eric's opinions are always backed by an equally bubbly tone of voice so he gives off the aire of the little kid, and everyone just thinks it's cute.

Joey has amazing articulation and is not afraid to put his opinions out in the open for dissection from the entire class.

Add Lizzy-pooh who is even more verbally finessed than the two combined... and I'm afraid of looking stupid in contrast to these brimming examples of... can't really say intelligent about all of them, but opinionated yes. And I who always has to pick out the right things to say before I attempt to even open my mouth...

... but we'll come back to that later.

How the fuck am I ever going to be taken seriously. I want to approach things in a more mindful manner just like I would in the manipulation of certain people. However, I must break away from the initial appearance of myself to others. Thank genetics for giving me a face that can be described as "adorable" but not "sexy" or "intelligent" and a voice on the high side with no potential to be seductive. If the situation needs it I can act like all the other prissy out guys, but I prefer not to. If I can get my way, I can exploit my cute features to the fullest extent, but that only demeans my self image.

So, tell me this: what outward appearance can an extremely multi-faceted person have without the initial stereotypes?

... for the most part I guess I'm just looking for someone to have conversations and in-depth discussions on the topics I hold oh so dearly. Something that has an abundance of absent 'yeah, yes, yep, no, nope, huh, I dunno, what?' words.

There's got to be someone out there with a deep appreciation for all things art. Someone who believes in tasteful sensuality, elegance, and the beauty of any self-expression or realization as a mantra in the way of life. Someone with beautiful ideals.

And someone I cannot be intimidated by.

. . . . . posted:||1:24 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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"This is quite bizarre; keeping a physical journal. I'm more used to blogging online. It doesn't completely make sense to me to maintain one for a photography class (unless the teacher I have has a voyeuristic urge to document the growth and highschool year/career of a possible future acante guar photo master; hell, I'd do it just to say "look how I influenced my students and produce artistic genuises") but a grade's a grade and I personally like my 4.0 GPa the way it is.

So, I guess I 'll reach some sort of compromise. Seeing how I don't blog due to falling asleep and waking at odd hours, I'll write in here instead and then convert from analog to digital.

Currently the cable company is free-previewing Showtime which means that I get to see the newest episodes of Stargate SG-1, and I get to wath Queer as Folk on the big screen for the first time. Yay."

Made a batch of chocolate syrup because I'm bored. And to get a sugar high since god knows I need one right now.

And the events of the upcoming weekend won't help either.

. . . . . posted:||11:09 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Went to art club's welcome back party. Sad sight to see when everyone broke off into cliques about mid-party... ech.

Tired again.

Gouged myself against something sharp in the art room. Disinfected and peroxided several minutes later, all I had to do is slap some Neosporin on. Now I'm tired, I'm sweating, and I'm rather bothered.

Excuse me.

. . . . . posted:||7:41 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Tired tired tired.

Did some more post-back-to-school supply shopping. Now I have to organize at that shite. Dammit.

Went to the first church choir practice. Only guy there. Damn.

Left my permission slip for art in the... erm, art room. Damn.

Gonna switch to my old art teacher though.

Have Algebra homework, easily done before practice started.

Talked about boring mechanics and formulas for adjusting apeture and shutter speed in photo. Need to buy photo paper and pay $30 for darkroom privileges. Damn.

Still need to do English homework on the book I read. Need to re-read it since it's been a while since I've even seen my copy lying 'round. Damn.

Witnessed (but thankfully not involved in) a bigot attack against filipinos in the Main Street Station Casino's many restrooms. Stupid redneck fuck.

Never found that Holcombe Waller cd I lost. Damn.

Did I mention I was tired?

. . . . . posted:||9:58 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Today's been quite the headache. It's our last 8 period day before we begin blocking classes, and a majority of my teachers just had to start piling on the work.

Not much in Japanese; just writing down vocab. The second level textbooks look horrendous compared to the ones we had for first year.

English I have an introductory paragraph on a fellow classmate due when I have it again (thursday). Also got my heavy heavy purple textbook for the course.

Photography class... not much going on there. Just got a course expectation sheet and then passed up our 5-Senses collage. We're gonna get submerged into the vocabulary and physiology of the camera; not exactly the fun part of learning how to take a picture.

World History... got seating charted and thankfully I'm not next to too many rowdy/talkative/queeny people. Nearby, yes. Saw a ten minute video that all the history classes were required to see. Afterwards started on vocab for that class with half the words you have to make up definitions for since the glossary in the back of the book does a pretty shitey job of doing so.

Algebra... I can't bare that class! The teacher's completely eccentric with his puppets and his teaching format doesn't have a concievable note-taking format. In other words, while most teachers give you the vocab and formulas and then show you examples, he shows you examples and writes down what they are as he goes along. Grrr.

Chemistry teacher is starting to rear her flaky side. She gives just about as much extra credit as my last science teacher, but unlike her predecessor she doesn't make it necessary with all the tests and worksheets due. Hell, she doesn't even give us tests till the end of a chapter.

And as for art... I do not like the new teacher. She reminds me too much of my 7th grade social studies teacher. While we were going over course expectation sheets, the other class nextdoor with my old art teacher was laughing. Later I learned that they were watching the episode of Simpsons where Homer becomes a conceptual artist. I am definitely asking Mrs. Treat if I can switch over.

Talked with Cristin on the phone for about an hour and a half. Ment to call Matt afterwards but fell asleep on the all too comfy couch.

It's amazing I stayed awake till 4:00pm after I got home. I think, when winter comes along, I'll still be walking around the house with a thin white shirt and swimming trunks. I like the cold anyways.

. . . . . posted:||10:20 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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::fumes:: Rica!!! Lucky! Why can't I get people to stare at me with malicious(ly lusty) intent?

Did get the new pair of glasses... and I think I might actually wear this pair. It does look good on me. Even the lady who was adjusting them for me (who was an extreme FOB) said I looked cute.

Before that went to C's for a "band practice." Good and all except for two things: only two people from the band was there (bass and guitar), and I'm no longer part of the band. Did attempt to sing along on a few songs a la Steve Tyler including big lips, but all the songs they were covering were all about a half octave out of my range.

Afterwards ate b-day dinner at Buca for cousin's 18th and mom's 44th. Had about half of the tiramisu (read: equivalent of 1 cup of rum in the dessert) so right now I feel a bit giddy.

Saw possibly the second cutest guy working at the Mrs. Fields while sis got pecan fudge for dad. He was busy gathering the trashbags from the cans 'round. The whole time he was at it I heard Missy Elliot's "Hot Bois" with cut scenes like those found in Dark Angel's second to last episode last season. Sis later mentioned that she noticed I was being very quiet at that time.

It's very very hard for someone with grace to be stuck in a body like mine. Sure, I can dance if I really feel enthusiastic about it, but it always looks quite bizarre when I do. We'll leave it at that.

24 hour broadyway/showtune marathon. Shoot me Martha!

. . . . . posted:||9:27 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Some one be my muse? I need to be inspired.

. . . . . posted:||3:45 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Holcombe Waller... managed to find one of his cd's at Best Buy, bought it, only to lose it in the van... dammit! Thank the peopleat AudioGalaxy for having a large plethora of his songs though. ^_^

Sleeping arrangements in this house is screwy at best right now. Bite-sized cousin is visiting (and again no one bothered to warn me before hand about her) so she's holed up in my grandma's room while the aforementioned family member is sleeping in a sleeping bag in the dining room...

I contemplated letting her sleep in my room seeing how many nights I spend lying on the couch ,asleep or otherwise, but I don't want to run the risk of her searching through my room for incrimination materials.

And knowing me there's plenty to be found.

. . . . . posted:||2:54 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Despite their bad rappor with the rest of the world for the first half of the 20th century, you've just gotta admire the insane images and concepts that come out of Germany.

Right now I'm watching Ian Bostridge singing Schubert's Wintereise, and he's crouched over a pile of black coals singing about the fire that won't start. Meanwhile the camera just rotates up above his head.

And did I mention that the pale/dead complex he has makes him utterly sexy?


God, someone stop me. The way people have changed over the summer is disturbing. Semi-knewly outed Eric is now 10 times the flamer he was before, token gay guy Joey is going bi, Theo the fellatio expert is back after being expelled when he was caught in the act... well, he just changed a lot lemme say.

And me? I fear I'm acting far more effeminate; worrying about completely matching clothes, the texture of my nail polish, etc. etc. Ugh, I hate acting gay...

But maybe like Jim said on friday, I try to hard to be weird. Do I even try at all? Not exactly something I analyze about myself all the time.

Then again, Jim's a prick-head.

. . . . . posted:||6:46 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Spending three hours in the dead of night down on the strip with a cousin who's short enough to look like your younger sis but really is a graduate student viewing the sites is not fun. Can't really people watch/ eye fuck properly with her conservative filipino views...

And the Mocha Valencia I got from the Starbucks was laced with tequila. Good times, till I had to worship the porcelain god in a less-than-sanitary restroom. Blech.

. . . . . posted:||6:32 AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Currently waiting for sis to get back from driving lessons. In the mean time, I'm trying to adjust back to working on homework.

Three items to work on over this Labor Day weekend: english, photo, and art. In english I have to give an analysis of a poem and I must incorporate iambic pentameter and scheme into the two paragraph long page. For photo, I need to make a collage which represents all five senses; I intend to put that kid from The Sixth Sense in just for kicks. Art has two assignments. I have to construct a landscape from the abstract lines we did while doing blow ink but that's not due till wednesday. The other is a "sketchbook" assignment due the 15th on the subject "enclosed."

Don't even wanna think about the math and world history homework looming in the not too distant future. Damn.

. . . . . posted:||4:47 PM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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