Computer... slowwwww!!!! Dammit! Seri! I blame it on you! ...::deep breath:: Okay, I'm calm. Just to let you know the video's ready, it's 6MB and my buddylist is failing me again... argh. Major argh.

In other news, Joy married Sal today and I was there to see. Funny thing about being catholic (well, supposedly catholic anyways) is that a five-minute wedding ceremony is hard to fathom. Regardless, the ceremony was charming. The weather was perfect, and from where I stood (holding the digi-cam so my other aunt could get the event taped by the best camera man in the family) shaded by the tree next to me, I had a perfect shot of the bride and groom. Sad thing is, the waterfall behind completely obliterated whatever the minister said, or of those getting married for that matter. But, my near vicinity to water meant a look at the life guard at the pool. Nice.

Literally five minutes later, everyone was ushered to the reception hall, located on the second level of the casino. While walking to the appointed place, we caught glimpses of people marching outside holding picket signs saying "Save Our Schools!" They're supporting a campaign by the mayor to help the shoddy state of Las Vegas' schools. But enough of that. So, I finally sit down at the table I was assigned to, to find out that I was sandwiched between the two cousins of mine which annoy me the most. A simple swapping of name tags cleared that mishap-waiting-to-happen up. As the occasion carried on, the whole affair became sadder and sadder. First off, the wedding singer was an annoying old woman who couldn't control the extreme vibrato in her throat, and the keyboardist chose all the wrong songs (a song about letting someone you love go was played quite frequently). Also, no one wanted to dance. Half of the guests even had the gaul to leave before the first dance. Mid-way through they called over this woman to help the party go along, and she seemed rather disinterested... or resentful that she's still single. Regardless, she was being rather sour. So, the first dance finally occurs, and Sal and Joy dance slowly, mesmerizing the crowd... till the balloons were released from the ceiling. Then, the 20+ lil kids came rushing onto the dance floor and proceeded to collect the balloons, all the while managing to ruin the romantic mood. In fact, I doubt any part of that day was rather romantic. Argh. And then they charged $2 per refill of soda... double argh.

I really pity Sal and Joy. It wasn't the best wedding, really.

So, when the question of whether I wanted to attend the party in their honor later that night, I gracefully declined, and went home. Thus, I'm sitting here, blogging.

Seriouslly not looking forward to singing tomorrow. Someone help me. I hate my mafia-esque family.

ah... a few rounds of Hot or Not can cure any bout of depression I have. ^_^

And in the long search to keep amused, check out the quizes at Straightacting.com. Funny as hell. Level 4 in straight acting here... coincides with my 54% gay rating in that other test I took... whose name eludes me for the moment.

It seems that my post of march 27th has been making a few waves. First, Paul wrote a bit about it, and a few minutes ago, Leah told me how she cried when she read it... Wow. That's all I can say. Nothing I've written thus far has had such an impact. I guess writing from life really can be effective.

Extended Play on MTV is playing right now. The videos are from MTV2 (which I get with fuzzy reception). It's rather refreshing to see new videos, especially those which have animation in them. In fact... the character designer and author of the Galaxy Express 999 manga made a video with blue-skinned people... hm. Interesting, but nothing to write home about.

Spent a few minutes typing up poems long in need of digital archiving... and I need to transcribe the rehearsal video of Seri's so she can upload it to her site... ack. How long has it been since she's blogged?!

... still on a sugar high, can't you tell?

The day that Blogger stood still, huh?

Wedding's tomorrow. I still have nothing to wear, though I take the fact that a maroon oxford shirt appeared in my closet this morning as an indicator to what I should be wearing. Well, 9:00am at the largest church in town is the time, and the reception party happens immediately afterwards. This would be a welcome event save a few things: I need homework-time to finish my sphere paintings, I don't feel like going out tomorrow, I was bumped down from adult to child and therefore have a smaller menu for the reception, I don't even remember who is getting married so I don't know how happy I should be, only 3 of my 10 cousins who I respect will attend, 20 of the 20 cousins I hate will be attending, I need to call Lailani sometime this weekend, and I need to drop off library books. Sunday I have to sing in church (again) and I completely forgot my harmony part.

On a brighter side, piano lessons when great. I'm halfway through Gershwin's Prelude 1 and am starting the MapleLeaf Rag and Moonlight Sonata. All of these being far more challenging pieces than I've ever previously done. I'm so excited! Now if only I could find the time to practice...

... and another minus, because of piano lessons I missed the practice reception meaning I missed out on good food tonight! Woe is me... but to compensate my dad ordered some PizzaHut Stuffed Crust Pizza... mushrooms only, it being Lent and meat abstinance and such... Tradition sucks sometimes...

My sis got me sick when she "accidently" coughed on me four times on the drive home. Funny thing is, now that she's sick her voice has dropped low and has become rather raspy... and thus she sounds like Eric.

Photography contest is currently being held. I should enter, but I don't think my photography is good enough for that calibre of a competition. Sigh... oh well.

I've been drawing on loose sheets of paper lately. staying up till 3am with a pot of coffee, a couple blank sheets, and my stereo playing Cibo Matto all night long... not necessarily healthy but I was able to draw some pretty cool stuff. I'll sleep when I'm dead, goddammit! ^_^

This hyperpost was brought to you by a pitcher of Tang. 10% mix, 30% water, 70% sugar. ^_^ ... yeah, I know it's 110%.

And as the curtain closes from the final bow, and the stage lights dim as the house lights emerge, I sit back and think "wow. Pucini could really write an opera." Then, I get off the couch and place the dirty dishes into the sink. Yeah, so I'm an opera arsitocrat whose main experiences with opera are infront of his TV watching PBS. Ahem.. but bach to the opera.

La Boheme was on, and that is a rather painful opera to watch. In the beginning, a group of friends gather and make a little bit of paradise together in a small apartment. In the very last scene, the painter of the group has covered the yellow and orange hues of the wall's mural with cream white, and the poet sits on the roof tearing apart his writing. Yes, Bohemian is dead ladies and gentlemen. No matter how much we want it to be, no one regards pure artistic and aesthetic lifestyles as plausible. Sure, a life lived in good taste and fashion is elegant and attractive, but by no means is it Bohemia. That sort of utopia needs the irreverence of money and politics, which are inseparable in modern times. Perhaps, the Bohemia we can create today is that of the world of the digital. Afterall, I'm by no means making any money out of this website. Regardless, I plan to strive for the Bohemia of old as long as my youthful vigor will carry me.

... Choir practice was boring. Very boring.

Today seems like one large haze. I can't remember any specifics of what has happened today, but I just know that they've happened. Yes, I'm being vague. I can't quite describe it, though...

My project partner in Geometry was rather distraught this morning. Her dog had died the night before. What makes it worse for her is that her last words to the dog were "Go lie down somewhere and don't disturb me again!" Of course, the dog did, and never did seem to wake up. She told me why she had a rather large bandage on her left hand, and her explanation was rather disturbing. She used that hand to swap at her dog, and now it "reaked of death." The razor-blade cut to her hand was suppose to symbolize her cutting off that hand which, no matter how hot the water or how many times she washed it, still had that particular scent. After that story was told, Sarah-who-sits-behind-us said "Dude, you're strange." What I'm wondering is, can someone really get so attached to a pet? I've never had one, so perhaps I couldn't understand her feelings... I guess it's just my general apathy. I've only met with something which I would mourn if he died, and even then that feeling has subsided over time. And I regard my parents with a sense of unappreciation... or what it seems to be often.

I yelled at my grandmother yesterday when she was being quite stubborn and started generalizing about people again. Initially, I just wanted the bitch to get out of my hair, but now that I've had time to reflect... I feel really guilty. But, no one apologizes in my family. That's how it works. And who am I to change that tacit law now?

I'm beginning to hate the days when I have my even period classes. Ceramics no longer holds the joy it did, what with everyone lacking in energy lately. I've also realized that I can't translate my expressions into clay as I could have done with just drawing or painting. Perhaps I should make some sort of architectural design which I can devote my time to. I need to distance myself from those who would chain me down.

Just finished unzipping the 20+ jpop videos I programmed to be downloaded last night. I'm officially a reborn fan of the Kinki Kids. Those guys are hot! ^_^;;

... Bad thing about reading the blog of a writer, when you ignore it for a couple of days, they post rather long entries which you feel like reading later. Blech.

I so do not feel like going to choir practice today. Sadly, I have a sort of a solo (again) so I have to. Damn.

Paul, thanks again. I'm feeling much better now. Really, I am. Just been getting over old memories lately, and it's been a bit hard. But, I'm fine now. ^_^

The more I read the previous entries to Boy-ashamed, the more I begin to realize the similarities I share with this person. In the entry aforementionally linked, he talks of his dream guy, and how this person would act. All the little qualms and unusual quirks which would enamore him into his heart. A bit sad at times, but mainly of good moments. Yes, I think like that too.

I'm perhaps queer in how I fantasize about others. None of my fantasies are sexual in anyway. When I do day dream as such, I always imagine the boy in question and I in different situations. At night, I'd place him infront of me on the bed, and I would have my hands wrapped around his waist and press my body completely against his back. Then, my voice, ever so softly, would sing him "Yellow" or "Funny Valentine" or someother sappy love song to lull him to sleep. Sometimes, we wouldn't sleep at all. His head would lay and make a pillow of my chest and we would just lie there, watching the stars and the bright full moon as the radio softly played on. And he would feel warm against me.

Sometimes, he's working at his desk. I would sneak up to him, wrap my arms around his shoulders, all the while feeling his body through the fabric of his shirt, and nibble lightly on his ear. He'd sigh, lean backwards against me, and whisper a thank you before returning to his all too important project.

And then, sometimes we would be sitting in a 5 and Diner or some other 50's restaurant and sit across from eachother. My hand would reach for his under the table, and my thumb caressed the top of his hand. Completely lost in eachother, we wouldn't notice the waiter standing, rather uncomfortably, infront of our table and would ask us what we wanted to eat. French fries and a chocolate malt, please. And the same dear petting would continue until our order arrived. We'd sit there for almost an hour, feeding eachother fried potat slivers dipped in chocolate malt... wait, I did do that once.

... I just realized how explicitly I described those weird fantasies of mine. I apologize, but I have no intention of deleting them.

Another thing I've also found in common... we both can fall in love within a second of seeing someone. In a much much earlier post, he talks about seeing this guy in the place where he usually buys his cigs, and regaliates how cute he was and how, in that instant, he became infatuated. Similar situation almost a year ago now, when I was at the mall with my family. I ran into him several times, and talked to him for only a minute or two, but he was beautiful.

The fallen angel, I dubbed him, because he seemed as if he had fallen from above. But, not in the excessively puppy-dog cute sense, or the extremely gay sense. No, this was a subtle, seductive attractiong I felt towards him. I bumped into him early upon entering the mall, and I gasped when I did, for he was beautiful. I apologized, and he said no need. We parted ways. I had to wait for my sis to get back from the restroom, so I sat down on a bench. That same boy walked back and forth from a watch store to a cigar shop. After about 10 repititions, he noticed me sitting there, and game me a nod and quite the adoring smile. Later, I was walking through an art gallery located within the mall, and I stopped infront of a painting that really caught my attention. And, as luck would have it, he walked up behind me, and stood by my side. After a few moments of admiring the canvas infront of me, I noticed he was there, and I got flustered. He asked me what I found so intriguing about that particular piece, and I mumbled something about the use of symbolism... ironic that it was an abstract painting. I must have looked like an idiot. But, he didn't acknowledge my stupidity, and just smiled and nodded. That's when my mom called for me, and with a quiet bye we parted ways again.

... in a way, Boy-Ashamed is lucky. He can see that particular boy again, that is if he's still interested. I, on the other hand....

Mondays... suck. Reminds me of the song "Why Do I Hate Mondays?" which was inspired by a woman with a shotgun. While she shot at school children going to school, the police asked why she was doing this. Her reply: "Tell me why do I hate mondays?" Weird. Verily.

Oscars were... disappointing. 'Nuff said.

Today's assigned homework goes as follows: three worksheets and 8 questions answered in paragraphs for biology, a 12+ package of busywork for japanese, the main outline for our up and coming art project, the usual 20 problems for math along with the advertising project due in a week. Sigh... too much work.

And I feel so small right now. Today, my art teacher had all the pieces she was putting in the gallery out for display, and I was shocked. The other first year art class had far more talent than my class did. I absolutely loved almost all of those paints, while at the same time wishing to strangle the artists. But, no, I will not start to better myself like Liz did. She kept on saying that her creative expenditures were used not all in art, but also in poetry and debate. That's really no excuse, since creativity has no bar measure which can be lowered... then again, it's not so much the creativity that I'm upset about, but the general higher quality of execution. Damn.

... and I feel even smaller now. What is my problems compared to those of others surrounding me? Lailani is ruminating over her inability to get over a certain crush, and it's seriously affecting her performance. Bill has been wondering about her own convictions about her choice in life and her choice to enter graduate school. Paul has been asking that for a while, and his latest cryptic posts have been at times frightening. Lastly, the owner of boy-ashamed came out to his parents, with disasterous outcomes. I'm... suddenly discouraged to come out to my own parents. Ugh, I think I'm experiencing discipline problems.

Please, some one hit me till I'm blue and red and the puss oozes from my tender flesh. I need to feel that something is real.

Damn, looks like J.C. is everyone's NSync soulmate... Take the test and see what pops up.

... Just realized that I've been calling Bird "Soul" for the past few posts. Gomen nasai, Bird-san!... Anyways, just downloaded all the music off of her Mindtravel cd, and may I say that I can die happy now. This cd is so awesome! My comparison of her with Macy Gray was far off, she's so much better than her! Her piano pieces near the end of the album are my particular favorites. The notes played were reminicent of a Spanish Guitar, and are the perfect mellow-down tunes I need to listen for a bit. Her funk style echoes very much from the 70's but still maintain's a more "modern" feel. Good stuff~!

My new painting is coming together quite well. I've decided to use a complementary family of colors (mainly red and green) instead of the rather boring black and white... But I need to get better oil paints! The ones my grandma bought for me are the cheap-o type, and they dry far too quickly and have a lackluster appearance when they dry. Maybe I should have used acrylic afterall...

And in other news, I've decided what to do with my favorite poems. I've recently been taking photographs I have taken (with an exception of one so far) and superimposing them onto the picture. Needless to say, they've turned out quite well. So, till I implement them in the next layout redesign, here are two of the ten I've done thus far: Oblivious , Sacchrine Valentine

... Just let Alyx look at both of them. Apparently he doesn't want to read or view such material. And it's his right, I guess. I just don't see him in the same, open-minded sense as I did before he commented. Oh well... the truth was bound to show itself sometime.

... Ever tried eating Jello out of it's plastic cup without using an utensils? It's along the same lines of unwrapping Starbursts in your mouth... quite interesting. Course, when I did it it made a terrible mess.

Wow. Soul's "Sakura" is pretty damn good. In fact, all her music which I've heard is pretty damn good... dammit, must get her cd... or download all the songs.... probably the latter choice.

... wrote my first angst-esque poems in quite a while. In keeping with my distaste for poems about teen-angst, this one is strictly S&M. Although I don't want this to happen to me (whips and chains are a bit of a turn off, but biting's fine) it's fun to pretend. Right, Mr. Johnsy?

Wow. Soul's "Sakura" is pretty damn good. In fact, all her music which I've heard is pretty damn good... dammit, must get her cd... or download all the songs.... probably the latter choice.

... wrote my first angst-esque poems in quite a while. In keeping with my distaste for poems about teen-angst, this one is strictly S&M. Although I don't want this to happen to me (whips and chains are a bit of a turn off, but biting's fine) it's fun to pretend. Right, Mr. Johnsy?

Oh, wow. Searching through different cliques/webrings can turn up some amazing shit. Sean, owner of the sorry girls, I'm gay clique, has some amazing poetry. I read them out loud and... can't describe it. The experience was amazing. Go there now!

With that said, I think I'm getting a new idea. I want to record myself reading my own poetry... what to do afterwards, I do not know. Still, poetry read out loud is so much more rich, so much more beautiful that what is written on paper. This all ties into my preference for oral poetry.

And in other news, new painting started, and I'm debating whether to color it or keep it black and white. I've recently come back from a "night" on the town, which involved two drinks from Starbucks and several dozen packets of sugar, heheheh. Afterwards, we went outside to watch the light show atop Fremont St. I still had to take a few pictures for the Las Vegas deck art project, so I took the following for the Jack of Clubs: a man cleaning the sidewalk, a statue of a baseballer ontop of the Las Vegas Club casino, a mime juggling bowling pins, a statue of a milkman, and a guy in a cloud costume.... no, not FF7 Cloud, but an actual, fluffy pink cloud. Oh, the tackiness of this town. Sometimes, I absolutely love it... but then nearly everything else lacks class.

... and dammit! I need to drink more mocha valencia!

Just learned why Seri seems like she's been avoiding school for the past couple of days... Mainly that the people we hang out with at lunch have started to seriously annoy her. So, lately she's been migrating to quiet, peaceful places. I can't blame her, really. Those people can be one hell of an annoyance... more so when they're all in a pissy mood as opposed to an overtly boisterious mood. Anyways, this reminded me of how I never go off on my own for peace and quiet anymore. Perhaps that's what I should do during school to cool off a bit. Afterall, stress can be quite a bitch. Hm... guess the question now is where would I go to just relax?

Discussion in Health class today was on the topic of Marlow's Heiarchy of Needs. According to Marlow's theory, physical needs such as food, water, shelter, and security must be met before all other needs do. Afterwards, the need for recognition and the need to love and be loved. Then comes the aesthetic needs, followed then by self-assurance. Of course, it seems like a good way to organize all these human needs, but by no means does it apply to all situations. Sure, at the barest consciousness we follow that order, in that if one need is not satisfied, all those after it can never be. But, when the person becomes more complex, has their own ideas about the world, you can shuffel around those needs a bit. Take, for instance, I can forsake sleep, meals, even social interaction to finish a picture forever juxtaposed on my brain like a broken slide project which just doesn't want to turn off. Perhaps, that's what it means to overcome human instinct. Instinct tells us to prioritize by what the body needs, but we are able to transcend that mind set and prioritize for ourself what we need first and foremost. Exactly the same reason why I like the idea of evolution so much; with evolution we can change to be more that what we are already. Not so much to the point of being gods, mind you, but to change to maybe be more insightful and less destructive...

Which reminds me. I was watching I Shot Andy Warhol today on Bravo. The movie was absolutely brilliant. It showed the ruminations of Valerie, the woman who shot Warhol when she conjectured that he had stolen her "S.C.U.M. Manifesto" from her. Ironic, that several years after she's been dead (and died in a home-less shelter no less) her manifesto has become a classical feminist piece. A starving artist who doesn't want to become famous until post-mortum... as much as I appreciate a romantic dream, I don't want that.

The more I listen to Alanis Morisette, the more her music reminds me of my current state of thinking. I absolutely love her song "Forgiven" right now... the deep bass in the beginning is the rain which falls infront of the gravel steps on the catholic church in question. I envision her singing in an empty church and the surrounding areas (cemetary, catholic school, orchid grove) with the camera slightly out of focus and the black and white film almost blue and purple. God... I so want to make a video for this song.

Speaking of which, Seri-chan's also having a lot of frustration figuring out what her religious beliefs are. Mine own are very vague, even to me. Originally, I did buy into the whole strict catholisism, till I found out that they were against me. I began breaking free from those strong chains, leaving the metal fixtures on the wall my only foundation for the new set of beliefs I have bought for myself. Yes, there is a god, whether he be Buddha, Odin, Zeus, all those other archaeic gods, or a mere focal point for the wills of the human whole. Incarnation does exist, I believe. We have second chances which, although it maybe nice after our first lifetime, it can be a cursed existance for all eternity. Still... I have pushed all thoughts of religion from my mind for some time, focusing instead on art and sensuality; a search for the zenith of the aesthetic. Then I remember reading a chapter in an art book I borrowed once, saying how the painting of one or two squares of color was colinear to a religious experience. Yes, art can, and is, religion.

No piano lessons today, so I can more or less relax as my uncle brings the family over for a crab dinner tonight. However, as a custom in my family, I refuse to play the piano for their enjoyment, since I can only play so little.

Well, just found out why Paul hasn't been online lately. Pity, I really wanted to talk to him about stuff... I guess it's time to write some rather long over-due emails.

ILacking in Emotional Content. I've fallen in love with it again.

Argh... stupid Blogger just deleted my post I was writting...

Anyways, I have found another blog to read and eat away at my daily time scheduel: In The Closet Boy (via pylduck). Just the ramblings of a guy living in Ontario who still hasn't come out to his parents and complains about never getting a boyfriend. (sounds familiar, neh?) (... and NO, I was not talking about myself just now! >.<)

And from that blog I was referred to another: My Journal-Just Another Guy In The Closet. Although it's not exactly the best page design in the world, the guy lives in Vegas (+1), is 16, likes Sailormoon, Tenchi, and anime in general (+2), favorite food being hot chicken fingers (+3), likes the song "What's My Age Again?" (+4), drinks OJ/ Slice (+5), and likes watching Undressed (+6). Intriguing thing is, he has Japanese in first period... Hmm, wonder if he goes to my school. That'd be surreal, seeing how there are two other bloggers there that I know of.

Mia's new page, Playtime!, is so pretty! The picture of Sakura to the side is absolutely gorgeous, and stuff and stuff. But, it's a bit late for St. P's day, huh?

Current favorite from the Alanis Morisette CD I'm listening too... "Perfect." Another good thing about it, the music was used in an Utena musicvideo I saw online. Good stuff!

Ya know, the more I see them around, the more I'm thinking of getting one of those tracker programs... Sounds like fun, I guess.

New address or not, HOT or NOT is still an addictive place to spend time. Weird thing is, today my sis joined in the fun and we spent an hour going through pics and debating what score we should give. It's scary how well we get along most of the time...

Funny quirk about my geometry teacher, Mr. Jackson... he has an urge to change the seating layout of the classroom several times a month. Today, he returned the desks into a row pattern, as opposed to the table groups we had before. Regardless, the new seating did nothing to change my place by the very cold air vent... Brr!

I was talking with Lailani before heading over to Japanese today, and Joey was there. While we used "code names" to refer to Eric (that's when I told her that I'm over him) Joey said "Just tell us that you're over Eric!" This event was followed by a quasi-conversation of why we liked Eric (and all three of us did at some point) while he danced ballet dangerously close to the railing, she banged a rhythm on the railing rather loudly, and I sang excerpts from "Bring on the Men." Really, quite surreal.

Hmm... ne'er noticed that Dave had a thing for making winamp songlists and posting em. But... looks like his collection is bigger than mine! No far... why did Napster have to go offline?! ;_;

... You know what. I think I just had an ephiphony... I don't like Eric anymore... But now that I don't, I feel lost, as if all my affection used up till now were for naught... well, they were, but without someone to focus my attention on, I feel a bit unstable.

And that's a problem with having a baby-face complextion... everyone thinks you act cute, yet when you try to change and be the passionate romantic you truly, they step back and look at you weird. It's almost as if you aren't allowed to change at all. I maybe already comfortable with my body now, but I don't think the rest of the world is ready for it. Le sigh....

Hm... that kinda reminds me of one of Paul's poems I read quite a while back. He should post it somewhere on his blog, the one of the person in the box. I loved that poem.

... now that I think about it, no openly gay person in my school is my type. They're either all too ditsy or too shallow for my tastes. I want someone who can reciprocate my passions and need for deep conversations. Looks like I'll only be that close in college, unless I get lucky like when I had Topher.... oh well.

So, the playlist for this auspicious day is:
-Janet Jackson's "Doesn't Really Matter"
-The Cure's "Why Can't I be You?"
-Utada Hikaru's "For You"
-Incubus' "Summer Romance"
-Tracy Chapman's "Devotion"
-Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"
-BBMak's "Back Here"
-Dido's "Here with Me"
-Spice Girls' "Holler"
-Soul Decision's "Oh It's Kinda Crazy" and "Faded"
-Garbage's "The World is Not Enough"
-Pushing Daisies' "Disagree"

Ah... it's been a while since I made a playlist for a specific day.

Stupid Blogger didn't publish that last post when I wanted it to be posted a few hours back... Oh well.

The pics from Seri's b-day party finally got developed, and also the film I used on the day before finals.

Oh... Watching the Opera "Tristen and Ophenda" on PBS right now. The set design is exquisite, I'm quickly growing to love the music and storyline of the opera, and the costume designs are absolutely stunning. Just one quam about it... Why do the lead singers always have to be enormous. Take, for instance, Turandot. When a 300+ singer walks on stage and her opposite sings of her radiant beauty, are we suppose to believe him? And another thing, operas were hardly ever written to be acted out. You can only act so much without restricting the air passage to your throat. I only know of two composers who did have the writing talent to inject a fair amount of acting into their characters.

... Loud banging sounds are coming from the neighbor's home, and I think I hear yelling. I wonder what's going on...

Today... or rather last night, I was able to achieve minimal sleeping time by downing not one, not two, but twelve cups of hot, sweet java. The down side? Extreme caffeine withdrawl... and thanks to it, I've been quite irritable.

Hmm... I guess you can say that I'm turning to drugs for artistic inspiration. Lately, I've been only able to draw something new or different while under the cocoa-induced hazed one gets after the third cup. Sure, you can't really pair that up to the "inspirational" use of absynthe during the mid to late 1900's. Still, it's a bit unnerving that I can't naturally think of original ideas. And believe me, I've tried to make something different while off my caffiene, not good.

In Health class, we're studying stress and methods of reducing it. To see how our body temperature changes with our moods, I'm wearing a Biodot which changes colors when my body temperature changes slightly. As of now, I'm as relaxed as can be, but I was quite stressed earlier today while working on a test. Tests are always stressful, but I never thought they would be that stressful... eh.

Saw the Madonna video. As a major fan of all of her work, I'm obligated to like that particular video. Well, I don't... I absolutely love it! It's interesting to see how, in our society's youth-orientated music industry, Madonna can still look almost younger than Brittany Spears (with the help of her hubby/director anyway). Still, I don't see why the censures are so uptight about the "violence." First off, there is hardly any violence to the calibre which movies have taken them. With the absence of blood in the video, everything didn't seem quite so real. Then again, if blood was introduced into this video, it'd end up looking like Crash. This leaves one speculating whether this whole "one-time viewing" video is really a publicity stunt coordinated by Madonna for more recognition for her new album. Regardless, this video pushes the age-old story of girl rebellion to new lows, and I absolutely love it!

Sexually frustrated? If you are, join me and tim. When my style of drawing shifted from sensuality to down-right erotica about a year ago, Tony pointed out that it was just my sexual frustration seeping through. Well, now looking back at my old sketchbooks (and reading tim's post) I see what she ment. Funny thing is, I think I'm more aware of my frustrations now than I was back then, yet lately my artwork has returned to a more sophisticated sensual style. Eh, being a human contradiction can suck sometimes.

In ceramics, my puzzle mug finally got out of the kiln, and I proceeded to take several shots of it with my camera. Why was I carrying a camera? My sister needed it to take some photos for our up and coming Las Vegas in a Deck project in art. Naturally, she decided that we could just take those photos during the weekend, and then she proceeded to yell at me for using up half the film which she told me to waste in the first place... She's far too picky, if you ask me.

... Hmm... getting an idea for a sexual-frustration webring. On second thought, naw.

Eh, dad's bringing in the computer to fix the floppy drive (finally!) so I must be brief. First off, the dreaded projects I've put off till today only took an hour of my time to complete each. Hm, go fig. I'm still jealous of my sister though, her painting's so smooth and clean cut. Mine's full of jagged edges and the occasional crisp line. Oh well... I still be her out in creativity though. ^_^

I just spent about an hour and a half scanning pictures I drew and then cleaning them up with PSP7. Hmm... I guess I won't be keeping this layout for long afterall.

Currently listening to Alanis Morisette's Jagged Little Pill cd, specifically the "hidden" track at the very end of the cd. If you listen to that particular track while everything is quiet, the slight echoing is eerie. I can see myself doing that to my ex-boyfriend's stuff. Thing is, he now lives in Maryland so that's a bit hard to do. Le sigh... oh well.

It's a really nice day outside today. I feel like reading a book out in the sun.

First off, I've been watching the science of beauty on TLC. Contrary to popular belief, I did NOT watch it to scope out the hot guys, I was actually interested in the psychology behind it all.... but yes, the guys were muy caliente. It's interesting that people in Venezuela spend a fifth of their income in cosmetics and grooming products... despite the high poverty rate of their people. As the guy with the uni-brow said: "We are a poor nation, but we are a beautiful nation." Right now, they're talking about how pictures are edited over and over via computers... I should try that with some of my pictures. Heck,I have the experience with computers to do so... Ack! Just saw a girl from japan who's the startling image of Willow. Scary...

Been looking around I Kiss Boys (yes, again) and I've realize something. As much as I hate it, I've found myself trapped in the stereotype of the gay male blogger. Minus one, I rant and bitch about cute guys. Minus two, I write poetry/short stories which I have a link to. Minus three, I draw/paint and post it on my page. Minus four, I have a page dedicated to quotes. Minus five, I've joined such presitigious cliques as BoyLogs and I Kiss Boys. Minus six, I'm linked to Boylog.com. But, plus one (and the only one I might add) is that I have more or less all the content expected of my "type" of weblogger. All I'm missing is a couple nude photos of myself, and I'll be the model ga blogger... What, you want the sarcasm to end? Sorry, but that has a snowball's chance in hell of happening.

Take, for instance, this blog:snowbound 7.3 Or maybe Psionics... I could name a hell of a lot more blogs. .. hey, I should devote a whole section of links to those types of blogs.

Erm, just realized I was being a complete ass up there. I apologize... but hey, in completely better news, looky what I found! :ninagordon.com:

Eh, being single sucks. Especially after you've already had someone, and then experience the loneliness afterwards... I need to lay off boy-chasing for a bit. Independence is something I need to work on.

(Btw, Paul, you are one lucky guy. ^_^)

Mmm...Been looking through the other sites in I Kiss Boys, and I stumbled onto Dave's site. First off, love the image of the wing nailed into a... erm, steel plate. Looks like something I painted a while back... um, yeah. Second plus, that backgroud picture is just too damn sexy! Those two look so cute together... I wonder where he got that pic? Third plus, fan of Dave Mathews Band and Silverchair (Johnsy!). Fourth plus, he likes church. Now, that may sound weird and unusual, but I happen to like church sometimes too... mainly when I'm in the choir loft instead of in the congregation where people can't sing worth shit...

Speaking of church and singing, my friend can't make it to the MXPX concert today (after her psychotic mom found her reportcard) so now there's a free ticket up for grabs. I dunno... I don't really want to go, but a concert's a concert. On the other hand, I have a solo/duet to sing at 6pm mass today, and Patty would kill me if I missed it. I dunno... maybe I'm far to lazy to do either.

And in other news, Liz-from-Az's boyfriend gave me a critique of my poem "Sacchrine Valentine." According to him, it was awkward and felt... what was the word? Oh yeah... "gay." Personally, I take that as a complement. I always want myself to come through in my works, and if that's obvious from reading that one poem, I'm glad. On the other hand, why do people have to factor in gender preference into literature... or anything relating to life, for that matter? Yes, sensuality and sexuality are a big part of life in general, but does that necessarily include whether you're a fairy or not?

I really like this webpage layout... I think I'll keep it a little bit longer. But, on the other hand, I thrive on change. Maybe I'll keep it through March, and maybe into April too...

... Wait, six hands?... Damn, I must be Vinshu today. -_-;;

Well, been talking with Tony recently (now that I've caught her online). Damn, a lot has happened since last we talked. A month ago, she FINALLY found a girlfriend who shares her interests (i.e. anime, choco-covered coffee beans, turning anything into a turn on, etc.). She's also going to a wedding at the end of the month. I have to go to one (one of my many aunts I believe) and I have yet to find a suitable attire. Woe is me! ;_;

"'Twas a lover and his lass, with a hey and a ho and a 'who the f*ck's in bed with you?!' "

Yep, it's official. I'm part of "I Kiss Boys" now.

Just finished playing Mah Jong with the family downstairs. 'Course, I only won one game... but at least I was very close to winning three others! Still, there's nothing scarier than a filipino family playing Mah Jong... especially when you add a pitcher of iced tea with a quart of sugar in it. Let's just say that my ears will be suffering a little bit from all the unnecessarily loud yelling.

Another interesting thing to factor into the scenario described above. Philadelphia was playing on TCM, so we decided to watch it. I absolutely love that movie... although the directing was a little bit unusual at times, and the facial shots were sometimes unnerving, I still can't get over the final impact of the movie. Tom Hanks, as much as I detest his recent work (with the exclusion of Saving Private Ryan) has a lot of acting talent. That particular opera scene, where he's translating and describing the aria to Denzel Washington, is rivetting. Whenever I see it, I'm moved by the passion so ever present. And the director's use of close-up facial shots, although unnerving in all other scenes, was used so appropriately in this one. Beautiful.

My sister hadn't seen this movie before, so when she saw it then, she was bawling when the film reached it's final conclusion. And I was the one to tell her to watch it when she adamantly refused since it was a "Tom Hanks" movie. Oh well, I was right in the end, neh?

Currently watching Riverdance on Bravo. I happen to like Riverdance a lot, but it's like the nutcracker... It's cool the first time viewed, but then it gets boring. Any coherent plot is lost in the near repetative dance steps and music... I don't know, maybe if I were able to dance like they do and hold an appreciation for it, it would entertain me more. The other rip-offs of Riverdance, I could do without.

.... Happy St. Pat's day, everyone!

welll.... okay, I have about 10 posts or so that I need to delete now....

ugh... never mind, it's still being a bitch

okay, I think I got it more or less normal now...

oh yeah.... Just to let you know, Wendy didn't win Vice-Pres afterall... that and Mike's been calling me up and we've been talking about... stuff. Eh, don't know where this is going...

Eh, yeah.

Once again, the duck says a few words of insighful wisdom, yet this time it's about artistic critiques and criticism. 'Course, me being a self proclaimed "artist," my ears (erm, eyes more so) perked at the mention of the subject. I completely agree with his speculation. Some art shouldn't be judged with the imagery they present in their paintings In fact, some artists use that mentality to shock people and make their statement heard (specifically the one painting where Maria Magdalena draws attention away from christ to a bowl of fruit... caused a riot at the Vatican).

During the 1960's-70's, there was a near-death of painting due to a movement in the art community... which strangely eludes my recognition right now. Anyways, they believed that art was incompetent and sook to knock down the use of imagery in two-dimensional artwork. They claimed that the use of paints was far too primative in the advent of bronze-cast sculptures. The movement accumulated in the lead artist painting a white canvas white a hundred times, and then burning all his paintings in a great bon fire. Thing is, this rash movement wasn't backed by a strong enough thesis and thus, it's revolutionary strive was mearly transient.

Just learned that Jen (the junior, not my freshman friend) still has a crush on me. It's weird... and also dishearting since there's a snowball's chance in hell that I would go out with her. Even she said it while at the Halloween dance last year: "You know life sucks when the guy you have a crush on is gay." But really, I don't see what she sees in me. I'm nothing different. Just a semi-normal, semi-insane guy trying to get through life.

Had a meeting after school to discuss the image-logo I'm doing for the Nevada Association of Nurses poster during their celebration of outstanding nurses. This is an excellent opportunity for me to flex my graphic-arts skills. If I can get them to pick my design, I'll know that I'm a compotent enough graphic artist.

God, I feel like curling up in my bed and crying. The world has been a tad too harsh lately and I wish I could just pull the shade and hide myself from all the world. I'm frustrated with my art, my friendships, schoolwork, certain obligations, and with the boy I currently like. I wonder how Mike felt when he found out that it was I who left him the note folded like a crane... maybe I should ask him about it, I don't know....

... dammit, I need a backrub.

Eh, It's been a rather long day, ladies and gents. First off, I'm happy to say that after a month's work on the damn thing, I've finished sculpting my model of the Notre Dame! ... all that's left now is to bisque it, paint it, glaze it, and then firing it several more times... on second thought, I have a long ways to go.

Art was rather interesting this time around. We had a "walking" fieldtrip to one of the nearby downtown tourist attractions to take pictures for our up and coming project. We ventured into the extravagant Fremont Street, looking for tough love on the hard asphalt... But really, we were just there to take photos. In our new grand project, we are painting the photos we're taking of "old lasvegas" and are manufacturing it into playing cards. Before going about, each person chose a card randomly from the deck and had to take an interesting picture which would represent that particular card. I got the Jack of Clubs. So, we split up into our different groups, and I think I was a bit lucky. No more than 15 minutes into the trip and I had already selected either a neon-sign milkman or a guy with a baseball bat as my jack.

Course, it wasn't so easy for others to find their's as well. Mi amiga Sarah had trouble finding an 8, let alone an 8 of diamonds. But, halfway through our excursion, I noticed that the trashcans and ashtrays formed an 8 when they were placed side by side... weird. Still.... Sarah being Sarah, she also took a photo of one of the strippers in a nearby gentlemen's club who only had 8 fingers (yes, including thumbs too). I wonder what the teach will say when that photo gets developed.

The rest of the day was, more or less, uneventful... That is, until the final bell rang and everyone was getting out of the building. While walking over to the parking lot (where my dad's Odyssey fit snuggly into a nice, shady parking space) I notice Wendy stuffing something large into a trashcan. At first, I was a bit confused when I saw that it was the large banner we had been working on for the past week... So there was only one plausible conclusion: that the other candidate for vice-presidency, Shakera, had sabotoged it. I saw Wendy and how she securely taped the banner to the railing with duct tape, and when, in closer expection, I noticed that the tape had been too cleanly removed from the railing and the post to have been "knocked" down by the wind.

Now, normally, I am a civil man.... civil as an orange, yeah right. Well... at least I pride myself in proper etiquet when it comes to competitions. However... Shakera has seriously stretched my patience too thin. First, she never started this whole campaign with a simple nod or encouraging word to Wendy, and met her with a sneer. Later, when the posters for whichever office one was running for, Shakera and her "goonies" have been knocking down the competition, and once again a war brews between the performing arts and the visual/international arts. Wendy was even ridiculed for putting up a poster in the drama department's hallway. Honestly, I sincerely disagree with the sense of elite-ism I seem to be getting from these strutting, prancing blowhards. Because they (and the dance department) have the largest budgets of all the other majors in the school, they somehow have more importance than others. Really, why? This is a school for the arts, and it and it's students should be treated thus; no favoritism, no gender bias, nothing.

... It seems that I have presented myself as some... vigilante out to kill or a rebel stirring feelings of anarchy. I don't mean to... just that I've been frustrated these past couple days, and no one listens to me unless I scream and shout. Indeed, it is a foul's follie... but such is the way of politics.

... still, this is only a highschool race for the sophmore-class officers. Really, there shouldn't be this much involvement and treachery at this little of a stage.

Is it just me, or does Boylog's most current post reads like a song... or a nursery rhyme. I dunno, something with a beat to it...

Oh, I stopped by the library again to finish up my research (which is still not done) and I browsed through a back issue of Newsweek, which just happened to have an article about WeBlogs. They mentioned the blog of one Noah Grey, so I decided to check out his site. Unfortunetly, he's gone on hiatus for a bit, so all that's left on the site is a couple of semi-recent posts and a hell-load of imagery. Another site which is almost as egotistic as some others I can name.... but I won't. Still, love his photography.

Waaah... paign of jealousy right now. No matter what he says, Paul can still articulate and process his thoughts far better than myself, specifically in writing. Perhaps it's just a product of age and experience... either that or an increased vocabulary... but I wish I could write like that. Maybe that's why I can only write poetry... I have no stamina to write paragraphs about one specific topic without completely bullshitting half of it.

Watching Dark Angel as of now. It's strange, how people who aren't exposed to certain thoughts and ideas never consider the possibility of those ideas (like freedom to on who doesn't even consider themselves human). Perhaps, that's how one can control another indefinetly, from the moment of birth you feed them lies. But then, how do you suppress the desimenation of information into that population?.. reminds me of the book The Giver or The Fireman (F451). Eh, the only true way to control the human mind is through extreme lobotomy. ^_^

Ugh, I hate teenage angst. I hate the emotional tormoil of student relations and relationships. As much as I love sensuality and am a heart-sick fool, life was so much simpler when I was too young to care. But... I like this type of complication in my life... sometimes anyway.

.....waaaahhh!!!! Logan's sad, and has a 9mm in his hand! No!!! Don't do it, cutey!!!!....this moment brought to you by 9 sticks of Winterfresh gum being simultaneous chewed and it's combined sugar count. Enjoy!

Hey! Nick has the same blue shirt... which I never wear anymore due to a bad photo take of me while wearing it. I swear, I'm too effing tanned to wear light colors... Speaking of which, I got the pic I took at Wendy's today. Now I'm reconsidering whether I should post it or not....

Psionic seems to be in an interesting mood today. I just felt obligated to mention something about the "workplace politics" he's worked himself into. As much as most people say that they're against politics, they don't even know that they're already immersed in it by the time they reach middle school. I didn't have to suffer too much of that during my time at PMS, however. Seeing that I was the only guy in choir for 6th and 7th grade, I was on good terms with all the popular girls and there for had some "safety" from the usual teasing and harassment that goes on... eh, probably mispelled a couple of words there, but oh well.

Anyways, I just had to dwell on this a bit since we were talking about gossip, school politics, and the like in Health class... And another thing I'd like to say, why do people feel like sharing all their hardest life stories in class? Personally, I don't feel like disclosing such information in school unless I can shroud it a bit (i.e. in a cryptic poem or as a "work of fiction"). I say this because while talking about the hardest decisions we've had to make, this one girl said that her's was going to her mother's funeral... Promptly followed by her sobbing loudly and putting her head on her desk... really, if you know that that type of reaction will come from what you say, why say it? School is not the only outlet for thoughts.

La Duck mentioned an article about how the media seems colorblind to the obvious "whiteness" of the recent school shooters. While I don't think it's completely right to say that the potential school shooters are going to be white (most school shootings are performed on rather small scales) I guess this is one of the only ways to get people to listen. Most people accept your views with a casual glance, a polite nod, and then bash it in the head with their "views." So, you basically have to yell in their face, tack a sign to their ass, and bitch slap them to make an impact.

... And while we're on the subject, why is it that when guys are sexist they get crucified for it, and when girls are sexist they get praised for standing up to "the male chovanistis." It's quite sickening, since the psychology teacher at my school is completely biased towards females... And she's a psychology teacher too. But then, where do us gay guys stand in this whole debate? Guys bad mouthing other guys is "normal" but gay guys bad mouthing girls?.. I'm happy being in the middle ground. ^_^

But, like my friend said: "I'm gay, that doesn't mean I'm not a guy." In otherwords, we're still basically hormone-pumped, just our attentions have been channelled into something other than woman... And anything non-human is just evil.

Heh, keeping my friend Wendy on a leash about who I like ( ERIC! ) is such fun sport. I did that to Jim too. I don't know why, but I like to play mind games with people. I'd look at someone, laugh, and then turn around for no good reason. Then, they're hounded by the fact that I laughed at them and they want to know what's wrong with themselves. Self-conciousness is a fun thing it f*ck with.

This afternoon I found my copy... well, recorded version.... of the movie The Incredible Story of Two Girls in Love which is one of my all time favorite movies. I love how everything was treated like a regular "growing-up" story about two people in love. Difference: it's between two girls, the black person is rich and Harvard-bound and loves opera and poetry, the white girl is poor, lives in a "House of Dykes," and is failing in school... In fact, the only "normal" thing I found throughout the movie was that the white one's friend is so gay he's almost made a 360 back to straight... I have yet to see The Velvet Goldmine which has come highly recommended by my kindred spirit Lizzy.

.... Well, at least the notes have been pushed back till thursday, but I still need to find magazines concerning my topic... this sucks.